In any relationship, one person (normally the mother) takes full responsibility for the child(ren) ...

[Twiglett]

don't they? so its never truly equal is it? ie one partner could just get up and go with minimum effort but the other partner would have more difficulty in doing the same

is it ever truly, truly shared even in the most democratic of households?

say for instance school clothes need buying, babysitters organising, getting them to school, activities booked etc .. all the little niggling things that come with children .. are they normally thought about and sorted out by one person in general or is it ever truly shared

I agree. I was thinking this the other day whilst iorning name labels into my dd's uniform, it's the fiddly little things that the other partner probably has no idea they get done or need doing.

*ironing

I do pretty much everything in our house, from the general housework stuff, to the arranging babysitters, taking dd to nursery, putting her to bed, food shopping, clothes shopiing for all of us. I understand that dh works, so do I only not as many hours but sometimes it would be nice to have some of the responsibility shared.

Especially the food shop, it's no fun trying to push a buggy and a trolley and then lug it all home on the bus!

Don't think it could ever be truly shared - it's not practical.
You'd spend so long discussing who'd bought what and who needed to get this.......
Also...from a clothes point of view...if both partners used their initiative than they would be buying things twice often.

nope. my dh does quite a lot, but i reckon i do 80% of it. for instance if we go out, he'll never remember the nappies, muslins etc. doesn't think ahead to planning feeds blah blah blah. ultimately i think i'm responsible for dd.

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I think we truly share. (ds 16 months)

dh is a SAHD atm and I do a lot of my work from home. Next year (hpefully) we will both be PT.

Some things are more my domain than his and vice versa (he does more cooking and going-to-play-outside type things; I do the medical appointments, Christmas and birthday presents, organising playmates, looking for/buying books/clothes etc. - and of course bf ) - but on the whole we share. Number of nappies changed - about equal. Time spent with ds - about equal.

Does it depend on your partner? The minutae of life always pass mine by, child related or otherwise, so I know that I either do it myself or make a list and tell him what needs to be done. On the other hand, I know some men who have no problems at all with remembering stuff like this.

I would totally agree that it is one parent that takes responsibility for the majority of childcare related tasks.

Thinking about friends with children it is the mother in all cases that is the main carer. OK, in some families the Father takes more of an active role than in others but it stil tends to be the Mother that does all the types of things you listed.

I should say that dh is also working on his PhD.

Dh and I share pretty much everything as we both work at home (he does research and I am a SAHM). We both share the domestic drudgery, shopping (he goes to the shops, I tend to internet shop), reading with the kids, nappy changing etc. I tend to do most bedtimes and baths, that is probably the only difference. What is funny though is that dh is a very traditional sort of a bloke, and we both do things totally differently - I take ages but am meticulous, he much quicker but cuts corners.

hang on FIT your saying there that you do all the organisational, humdrum things and he does the cooking and the play things outside the house ... that doesn't seem shared to me .. ... you could easily take over his role without thinking but he couldn't yours because he doesn't know all the 'niggling' things (really not getting at you .. trying to understand something)

I was just thinking sthg similar myself reading back my post twig

His role does, tbh, involve more of the 'fun' things. He's also not necessarily the most organised of people and just doesn't think some things are important which I know are. I also have to remind him to do housework - but he does then do it.

Part of it is me. I hate working FT, even though my job's OK, and feel guilty, so try and do as much with and for ds as humanly possible.

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I've thought about this a lot since reading about a kind of "instruction book" a young mother dying of cancer wrote, so that her husband knew about all the little (and big) things he needed to think of.

To add to my earlier post, if I WANTED TO GO AWAY FOR A FEW DAYS IT WOULD INVOLVE ME HAVING TO GO THROUGH ENDLESS THINGS WITH dh (Oops, sorry) -silly things like where DS's socks are, what to give/not to give him to eat mid-morning, what time DD's friend is dropping her back etc (all the stuff that men don't usually become involved with).

On the other hand if DH was to go away there wouldn't be a need for a "handover" of child-related stuff.

loopylou
get your shopping online and deverled to your door
i dont do shopping with children and i would deff not carry shopping/children home on a bus

My DH plays an equal role in taking care of the children and hands on a hands-on level.

However, if something happened to me, DH would have to learn to start thinking about birthday parties, birthday/Christmas presents/when the girls need new shoes and clothes, what activities they should be doing that are appropriate for their age, when nursery school fees are due, what's the theme of the week for nursery school... that kind of thing. But I'm sure it's not beyond him

Puff, I remember reading that too -it made me cry

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Bettyspaghetti sums it up basically. I'd also have to give dh and handover of ds if I was to go away for a week. Explaining, his day, what he needs to take to school, play dates, appointments etc.

I remember this feeling of my responsibility overwhelmed me when ds was born. Dh seemed to carry on with his life - going to work, then the gym or football and I resented the fact that I could not do that anymore. It was a huge shock to me.

Eve now, if dh has a day to look after ds and I'm working, dh will ask 'what shaould I do with ds?' and 'what shall I give him for lunch?'

And if we're both around it's me who thinks about meals/bath time/bed time etc. Dh will do it, but not untill I say 'Do you want to run his bath now?' Sometimes I wonder what time he would get put to bed if I kept schtum? Perhaps I'll try it one day

Agree with the basic premise of the OP. I think a lot of people kid themselves that they have an equal role (and a lot of women go into denial about the fact that they don't, because facing up to the truth is unbearable) but imo if you would have to leave instructions to enable the other person in your house to function in the parenting role when you're not about, then you obviously don't have an equal role in the childcare. (Which doesn't mean to say you don't have an equal relationship, btw, I don't think there's anything at all wrong with jobs being shared out differently, as long as it's conscious and both parties are agreeable.)

I do feel that in our household everything is truly shared. But then it has to be, as we both work f/t. I wouldn't be able to cope unless dp contributed 50%, and anyway, he wants to - he sees it as part of fathering and running a household.
The only factor has been that especially when he was younger, ds was more 'glued' to me - was fairly casual if dpwent away, but the first time i was away for work for a night, he went barmy. And do i ahev felt emotionally more tied down. But now that DS is older dp has reduced his workin hours because he wants to 'catch up' on that time I had with ds as a baby (all that b/f) by doing more after-school pick-ups.

I can see that in a household where responsibilities are shared differently, one working at home (childcare) one outside home (money), that it would be easier for one partner (the outside home one) to slide into a more complacent position and take the other for granted.