In any relationship, one person (normally the mother) takes full responsibility for the child(ren) ...

[Twiglett]

don't they? so its never truly equal is it? ie one partner could just get up and go with minimum effort but the other partner would have more difficulty in doing the same

is it ever truly, truly shared even in the most democratic of households?

say for instance school clothes need buying, babysitters organising, getting them to school, activities booked etc .. all the little niggling things that come with children .. are they normally thought about and sorted out by one person in general or is it ever truly shared

Me and dh are in a similar position to FIT and Mr FIT, only instead of having a PhD to do he has a chronic illness (NO funding for that!)

I don't know what the dynamic would be like if he were well and a 'normal' SAHD, I have to work from home a lot more than I really want to, just because he can't cope on his own. Not that I don't enjoy being able to spend more time with ds that way but ds often cries and screams whenever I go upstairs to do any work and it gets very draining. He's happier when I'm out of the house and he knows I'm not 'ignoring' him, to be honest.

So of course I organise everything, and do pretty much everything except playing with ds during the day.

I think we share about 60/40, (me doing the 60, but I work PT). Because DH was a student/SAHD for about 6 months, he is quite good at thinking about the little things. I don't think this is that uncommon. I am often out numbered by Dads when I drop DS off at nursery.

DH is not good at ongoing household maintenance things e.g. putting plates in dishwasher, noticing that the bathroom floor needs cleaning, but where DS is concerned he is pretty good.

"I do love him really, he's just a clueless nong"

LOL LOL

also rofl-ing at Batters nong

ROFL at finding that humzinger is a harmless snack, not some kind of character-improving weapon.

ROFL as well, at the consultation DP's find necessary about childcare. It's all about responsibility for decision-making isn't it? I suppose there's this old chestnut about "if I don't consult you, you'll accuse me of doing it wrong" somewhere in all this. Which to be fair, is sometimes true.

I take most of the responsibilty for DD. Partally as I only work PT so am home most. But I also just do DH does a fair bit, but tends to have to be guided a bit more, lol! I could happily and safely leave him on his own with DD for a day or two - I know that when I got back they'd have had a fab time, both fed and watered, dressed, etc Howver the little bits wouldn't be done - the house would be untidy, no washing sorted, etc. I agree it is all the bits^ that get missed; well by my DH anyway! They don't cross his mind.

Oh Xena! That "I've done this for YOU" approach infuriates me too!!!

E.g. This week - cooked a big lasagne - enough for 2 meals - we ate ours, DH said leave it in the oven I might have a bit more. I rushed out to PTA meeting, last words being "don't forget to put the lasagne in the fridge".

Back home later - kitchen tidied (at least)- dishwasher on.

Next morning I find the lasagne still in the oven, so no longer edible and therefore no kids tea for that day [ angry].
Get annoyed with DH, but hold back a bit, OK it's easy to forget sometimes.... I rush off to take kids to school. When I come back, DH is disappreaing to his office with a cup of coffee and says "oh, I took the lasagne out of the oven for you..." WTF?! Congealed lasagne in tray is sitting on the side of the sink!!!!!!

And he wondered why I lost it!!! (P.S. that is also why I was hacked off when he didn't then make the boys any tea - he had caused the lack of tea in the first place!!!!)

Grrrrrrr.

I think life is not about 50:50 straight down the line, but maybe he does 0% ironing/cleaning/sewing and I do 0% earning. (Actually...I make money selling on amazon and ebay occasionally, and he used to hoover but then broke my nozzle...and I banned him, as he did such a bad job anyway)
For me, the key is that I do the things I am good at and he does the things he is good at. The main, obvious ones for me are that he earns and supports me emotionally (which is probably quite a big job!) and I do the house and children.
So,in general, unless I get angry and am ranting, I am ok with being, or feeling soley responsible for the children....
(oh, these are famous last words!!!)

should add that if I were to work....that WOULD BE VERY DIFFERENET!!!

I do wonder sometimes how much I have created the situation (how like a woman to blame herself for a man's shortcomings).

I am though quite fearsomely organised.

He's perfectly capable of doing everything essential when I am away for a couple of days but not the 'value added' stuff.

oh trib, my ds is like that too. We have a 1-bed flat with a large living room, which is where my desk is. I CANNOT work uninterrupted because ds will come and want my attention and dh often has to be told to try and distract him, maybe take him out or into the bedroom, and often when I tell him he does it with a very bad grace. He does seem to (subconsciously I think - he is always shocked when I point them out) have ways of making the guilt worse. he is getting better at taking him out a bit more often, but quite often I'm so shattered when they go that I just need to sit down with a cup of tea and enjoy the peace.

I do all the thining, planning, organising, sorting etc etc etc. Dp does his bit but mainly through my instruction!

So yeah, in my case it's very much my responsibility.

about 40/60 but im reluctant to critisize him for it.
He works full time, i work pt and its the way that i have designed the way in which we do things TBH.
I think that he does his bit, naturally he could do more but i dont expect it.
Im no push over and im not soft, he does as he is told and we get on fine

FIT, I was in the house on my own for the first time ever one day last week, when dh felt well enough to walk ds back from the park (it's uphill, so I drove them up there). Couldn't believe it - was meant to be working but the need to just enjoy the fact that for once no-one needed anything from me was too much.

Fortunately we have a 3 bedroom house so it is possible to isolate myself from ds physically but I can hear when he cries. God knows what dh must think, spending all his time and energy looking after a child who just asks for mama all the time. (Ds asks for dada constantly when I look after him too!)

Oh, god Marina, I feel less embarassed about DH bringing me the bloody quinoa last Sunday.

He only really does it about cooking, though, he'll use his own judgement re: feeding the boys, at least.

I think me and dp share equally. I work full-time and she doesn't, so of course she looks after them for more of the time in the week, but she also works 3 evenings a week and all day Sunday, so if you looked at the hours they were at home (i.e. not at school/nursery), it might be pretty equal now.

We both do the nappies, cooking, bath times, reading/playing with ds's, housework, shopping, completely equally - so whoever's free/got the energy does it. Dp takes and collects ds1 from school because she's at home. I take and collect ds2 from nursery because it fits in with my work times.

Maybe it's because we're two women? Although thinking about it, dp always does the rubbish 'cos I'm too wussy!

As a single parent the responsibility for me is definitely 80/20 but as dd stays at her dads regularly he knows how to do everything. I start off things, ie potty training, tell him how I am going about it, and then he carrys it on.

What I think is funny is his fear of being judged as a parent. Next week dd starts 'settling' in week at nursery (she went last year and is now moving to over 2s, I have been on holiday - am a student) and I am doing work experience. Her dad will have her for her first couple of settling in hours at nursery and he got so agitated about it! Worrys about people watching him and him not behaving as he should... it amazes me as he is - in general - a good and confident dad!

I'm pretty sure we do 50/50. Both of us work FT, doing similar'ish jobs. DCs are 4 and 2. Earlier this year I had to go away on business to Japan at very short notice (3 days) and ended up commuting between London and Tokyo for about 7 weeks. DH basically just got on with everything -reading practice, packed lunches, consolidating potty training, making a hat for Alien Day, preactising for assembly and sorting out outfit etc.

This morning he said: "We need to get presents for the birthday parties DS is going to at the weekend". And he mentioned that he had seen something we had previously talked about as a birthday present for DD and so had bought it yesterday as he was in the shop. Oh, and he regularly tells me he appreciates things I have sorted for the children, like buying all of DS's uniform (he went and collected/dealt with the straggling items).

So I'm fairly confident it is 50/50 with us.

we've actually talked a lot about this since dh is one of my freelance clients

so for part of the week he is my boss; at home we have agreed that I am his boss

I can give instructions because I run the place

I think it's fair; he always does what is asked, and after many years together I have realised that while he is willing to do lots of things around the house/ for the kids, he often doesn't see that they need doing

it doesn't bother me now but I think it's just a case of communication - I've stopped expecting him to just know what needs to happen.

I do think I could go away without leaving instructions. Except about what programme to use on the washer. But everything else, he'd manage

Marina wrote "thinking and planning"

Oh definitely. I see myself as i/c of 'acquisitions' and 'logistics' regarding the children and DH manages to overlook the idea that these roles exist. If I asked him to sort these things out he could and would but the fact is the initial thought that these things have to be done is mine and never his.

A while ago an MNer called Chandra wrote about attempting to pack for a holiday and all the things she needed to take. Sounded innocuous enough until she said that her ds had a nut allergy and she had to take food that she knew her ds would be able to eat. Her dh was wondering what all the fuss was with packing for what must have seemed like an arctic expedition and Chandra said that not so long ago her dh tried to give their ds pesto - her dh was happy to obliviously give their ds food that could have easily killed him! That says it all really.

Practical things are left to the mother. Football and farting are left to the father. That's just the way it is.

With my ExDH it was about 99% my input! He would do things like leave every cupboard / drawer open in kitchen - 'why shut them when we just have to open them again?"!!!! / same logic re making the beds / preferred to drip dry on the bathroom floor instead of putting mat down and when asked to said it infringed on his rights to 'drip dry' (WTF!). Argued with me about taking the rubbish out (he didn't want to fall into sterotype gender roles!) as I sat bfeeding a newborn after a c-section!!!! When I went away for work, rang me to ask how to turn washing machine on - to everyone's amusement! As I said now the ex!

With my DP - more 50% and he is really hands on with household stuff but I generally do the children organisational stuff (for mine and his kids) - sorting out clothes / school stuff etc. But as it is appreciated and I quite like all that stuff it is OK - they will be grown up one day and I will probably miss that side of things!