In any relationship, one person (normally the mother) takes full responsibility for the child(ren) ...

[Twiglett]

don't they? so its never truly equal is it? ie one partner could just get up and go with minimum effort but the other partner would have more difficulty in doing the same

is it ever truly, truly shared even in the most democratic of households?

say for instance school clothes need buying, babysitters organising, getting them to school, activities booked etc .. all the little niggling things that come with children .. are they normally thought about and sorted out by one person in general or is it ever truly shared

MI, partly, probably, yes. He was a sahd briefly (8 months) and then I was away for 6 months so he just had to get on with it. But he'd already done 8months of school drop off/pick up and organising and looking after both of them by then. And now we both work ft oth and I do longer hours than he does. Our lives just wouldn't work if we didn't BOTH pull our weight. It's stressful enough at times when we do! I do think anyone working at home probably ends up picking up slack.

Oh and I have v low standards, don't care about various things being done 'right' as long as they're done!

DH, does loads of child related stuff mostly playing, bath times, reading books, putting to bed.

I could go away without giving him a list of all the kids minautie - they would get to school/nursery - get picked up, get fed and be put to bed. Everything else is just details and therefore unimportant - they would loved and cared for.

Moondog - Lasagne was ruined cos it was left in oven overnight i.e. didn't get put in the fridge, as requested!

Haven't managed to read all the thread so hope I'm not repeating.
This issue crops up in our house when I'm feeling hard done by. Usual conversation "you wouldn't remember to check we have stuff for packed lunches on a Sunday" this type of thing. Dh agrees and says "but thats the role you have taken on" I nearly swung for him until he reminded me that it wouldn't occur to me to get the car serviced or MOTed, and a multitude of other things, roles that he has taken on.
Yes on a very basic day to day level I keep the ship sailing, but he has some really important tasks within the house (not least earning most of the money which keeps us surviving)

My dh is only with us 3 days every 2 weeks. So I have to do everything but unlike a single parent can discuss things with him or share worries. When he is around I often disappear for a break. Chaos ensues but I don't care!

i am not sure it is ever truly shared - most of my friends who are mums agree that although in general we have hands on dad's they don't think about the same things a mum does. Dh will do washing and nappies but has never packed the changing bag or thought about what we need when we are out. They seem to have more freedom and carry on as normal where as a mum you never stop thinking about what you need to do. Once dd is in bed i run round like a mad woman getting the house sorted and dh takes this time to rlax in front of the tv!!

We share almost everything except the worrying - I do 100% of that .

I did used to specify what ds should wear when I was gone and pack his bag etc then I got bored with it and left it to dh. DH now does it and I don't enquire too closely what dh has dressed him in. I don't need to worry about what he has fed ds as dh is a good cook and does all our food planning and shopping and a lot of the cooking.

I do more drop offs and pick ups but that is purely because his job makes it impossible most days.

Last week I came in from a long day at work after ds was in bed and dh had cleaned the kitchen, tided up etc, got ds's bag ready for the next day including all his food and made me a packed lunch for the next day as well as dinner. He does a lot of planning stuff, more than I do and has a better organised diary than me. His social life is less busy than mine (his choice and he's happy with that) so he does tend to get more 'chilling time' than I do but for me socialising counts as chilling time.

Household type jobs are a bit more specific, e.g. dh doesn't iron or drive, I don't plan food or do the big weekly shop etc but childcare is really shared.

What I would say though is that truly sharing childcare is in fact requires a lot more communication and work than not sharing it does.

In a lot of ways it is easier to do it all yourself because that way it gets done the way you want it to but for me the resentment gets too much so we share. Anyway dh wouldn't let me not share it.

Its true about packing a bag of stuff needed for a day out. Dh wouldn't have a clue what to pack, actually probably wouldn't even think about packing a bag unless I asked him to. But then again if we are all going out, it wouldn't occur to me to drive, unless he asked me. Its just the jobs we do. In this instance, I remember to pack a bag, he drives.

Having read this thread it occurs to me that maybe if I DIDN'T leave detailed instructions he would work it out by himself - as various people have said, our DP's are largely intelligent adults and SHOULD be able to do this stuff - or DS (age 3) would do it for him? We both work FT (although admittedly he earns twice what I do) and both work from home at least a couple of days a week - but when I had to leave early last week I found myself leaving a whole page of instructions - and I still got 2 'phone calls (where was the cuddly toy he wanted to take to nursery, and where was his games kit (as mentioned in the note)). I have to leave early again tomorrow - maybe I will leave them to work it out all by themselves? Having said that, I know it will still be me who is putting the washing in the drier at 1am to make sure DS has clean uniform for the morning - there has to be a way out of this one!

Inour house I do all the following:-

Cleaning, meal planning, shopping, cooking,washing, ironing, gardening, putting bins out, sorting out everything ds needs for school, taking him there, arranging his social calendar, buying birthday/Christmas cards & presents, posting or delivering same, booking and packing for holidays, doing things with ds after school and at least 75% of the time at weekends.

Dh does:-

Going to work, dealing with the bills (although I used to do that in our previous house), anything to do with the car (I don't drive), ds's bath and story most evenings, and doing otherstuff with him the remaining 25% of the time at weekends.

So I do most of the "domestic" stuff, but don't work at the moment.

However, when dh and I were first together, we both worked ft. I assumed that when he moved in with me he would share the domestic responsibilities, but soon found that he didn't. Although he knows how to do most things, they are just not that important to him, and he would always give priority to doing something he wantedto do rather than boring jobs. When he lived on his own, he only ever washed his clothes or ironed them when he had run out, and only cleaned the house if he was expecting visitors, and it was always a mess. So after we had lived together for a while I reduced my hours at work, because I was fed up with working ft AND doing all the domestics, whereas he worked ft and then did what he liked. I did try asking him to do more, but he would say he would do it, and then never get round to it, so I would end up doing it after waiting for a week/a fortnight etc.

Interestingly I was having a discussion with my sister last night about who does packing for holidays and buys birthday presents.

I usually buy cards/presents for dh's relatives, otherwise I know they won't get anything. Does anyone else do this, or am I unusual? Also, I do the packing for all of us for holidays, withthe exception of dh's books etc. Does evryone else do this, or do other people's dh/dps do their own packing? My sister thought it was really terrible that dh didn't do these things himself.

I have to admit that I am the main "responsible adult". I am a full time SAHM so have the time to do the housework (if I ever get of the computer!), the cooking, school runs, dr/hospital appts, shopping, finances etc. Dh is in charge of earning money and the car, lol! Actually, to be fair, he does also bath the boys and read bedtime stories.

When we are both at home, like dh has time off, we take tuns with cooking, nappy changing and housework, but I still have main responsibilty for the boys, especially ds2, who take 3 meds 3 times a day. He would have no idea what to administer, how much or when, that is most definately my department. When I ask why he wouldn't even learn how to do it, he said it was because I would find fault with him and can do it better (he's damn right too!)

i think that at the end of the day it doesn't matter who does what as long as it works for you. i also think that sometimes i do more for dd not because dh won't but because i like to!! For instance i always put out what she is going to wear when dh dresses her, not because he can't but because i like to choose....must stop doing that!! i think that it is hard when you are at home as your role changes. we are still adjusting to that as before i finished work we shared everything. dd is now 10 weeks old and we are just started to get used to our new roles!!