In any relationship, one person (normally the mother) takes full responsibility for the child(ren) ...

[Twiglett]

don't they? so its never truly equal is it? ie one partner could just get up and go with minimum effort but the other partner would have more difficulty in doing the same

is it ever truly, truly shared even in the most democratic of households?

say for instance school clothes need buying, babysitters organising, getting them to school, activities booked etc .. all the little niggling things that come with children .. are they normally thought about and sorted out by one person in general or is it ever truly shared

dh asked me this morning where dd1's socks were so I think that says it all

I do all the childcare niggly things, like at the moment am sorting out all the school stuff, forms etc

He would manage fine though if I had to go off somewhere, but it would involve actually opening his eyes and looking instead of asking me 300 questions

Interesting point twig. I WOTH f/t and so does dh, so stuff like school and nursery pick-ups and drop-offs have always been willingly shared 50-50, and so is domestic stuff like cooking/clearing (dh's forte) and laundry (my fave). Cleaning tends to fall to whoever loses the argument
I love that despite our hours outside the home dh is as involved in the after-school and weekend outing routine as I am, I think it is great for the children - and seems quite rare at nursery and school tbh.
But - and it's a biggie that I sometimes get very resentful about - I am the one who does all the logistics re additional childcare (eg babysitting and holiday cover), I organise their wardrobes and school uniform, birthdays and social calendars, toys and books - I feel as though I am the one who has to do all the thinking and planning IYSWIM. I do see dh as a happy brianless passenger in my bleaker moments - such as being rung up at work to be asked if he can give dd a Humzinger FFS!

Marina - Thinking and planning. That's it. I think that's my role wrt our whole life, not just ds.
have to admit dh is getting better now, particularly wrt getting a move on with the PhD, funding applications etc., but for a while I was doing the working and a lot of the ds stuff and translations to earn extra and slowly getting very resentful, and dh was just drifting happily along and playing with ds (very very good for ds, no doubt). But I'm still the one thinking and planning ahead and making sure we're squirrelling away some money and so on.

Once we've moved and are hopefully both PT (or rather me PT, dh on funding), the dynamics will be different again. I reckon it'll seem like luxury to me, and dh is going to be in for a bit of s shock.

LOL at the Humzinger, marina.

That made me realise that as dp IS doing his 50%, he has as much right to do it in his way...i.e yes, he does buy b'day presents for ds's freinds, but never what i would buy, and I'm sometimes a bit horrified. Likewise, whereas he is generally good at ds's food, he gives him sweets more often than i would, and does a few things diferently...I have to relax and let him do his 50% as he does it. We do have talks to make sure we are taking a 'one-line' approach to any behaviour / development issues that are emerging.

I would like to think that everything is 50:50 although that's probably not quite true

The morning routine is 50:50
I bath dd in the evening.
I put her to bed whild dh cooks a meal or vice versa.

I do all the washing & ironing

Dh does all the diy and car related stuff

(hadn't realised until I wrote this that we had slipped into our gender stereotypes!)

We share the housework and financial management more or less 50:50

We both work OTH F/T

Well, there you have me bang to rights blu. I think any latent ability dh might have had to make some of these decisions has withered on the vine thanks to me wading in all too often with a big exasperated sigh and taking control . If dh is clueless about shoe sizes and new Bionicle releases it is not totally his fault I guess
But the Humzinger Incident was almost worthy of UN intervention I have to say...I nearly melted the phone in response

Thinking and planning. That's exactly it.

What's a humzinger?

Totally agree with Marina - lol at brainless passenger. My dp is at home two days a week, so am I. Today I am at work and he is at home As usual (as every day) I have left him with a list of things to do - from picking up a bit of electrical equipment to asking a friend at school to babysit for us. He'll do them quite competently and without complaint. But I have to do the list in the first place.

Yes, there is a balance of gaining and 'relinquishing' and I do sometimes harbour a secret wish that i could influence dp psychically to do what I think we should do!

I do see dh as a happy brianless passenger in my bleaker moments lol marina

Seriously though I am sick to death of doing everything "DH can you feed DS2?" "Yes I can do that for YOU" "For me?? do I drink from a bottle? or eat baby food?"
He says tha he does far for me than I do for him although he classes doing thing for the 4DC's as doing things for me.
Sometimes he point blank refuses to help.
2 Loads of washing have been on my line all week as he promised that he would get them in for ME on Monday and he still hasn't.
There is a difference between what hours we work paid but if he is left in charge of the DC's he can't do anything else (like stack the dishwasher) so how he thinks I cope with our 4 plus my mindees and housework etc I don't know

Oh go on, Marina, tell us what you said. God knows I could do with a laugh.

Actually dh has been v. good this week, as I had to travel oop north for work 2 days this week at v. short notice.

I'd had so little notice for Monday that we couldn't organise any childcare, so dh had to take the day off work and brave the wrath of his line manager when he missed an important meeting. And on Wednesday he managed the whole school/nursery run single-handed and was actually quite miffed when I phoned up at 8.15 to remind him about ds packed lunch. So I'm quite pleased with him atm, even though he spoiled the effect on Tuesday by blaming me for not waking him at 7am precisely.

But all in all, not a bad record. Though admittedly I take responsibility for what Marina calls the logistics -- shoes, clothes, school admin, swimming lessons, dental appointments, the whole bit. Which does occasionally grate, but then the control freak in me wouldn't like not to do it either, iyswim.

A Humzinger is a small snack made of dried fruit Fluffy. So therefore not massive/raw/alcoholic/laden with salt. Aimed at little children so not really much of a dilemma there really.
Still the overheard "discussion" gave my colleagues a much-needed cheap thrill.
Puddle, am sorely tempted to add "locate arse with both hands" to the lists I issue poor old dh with sometimes...

Twig, we had this conversation last night. Ds2 starts reception next year and ds3 starts school nursery - I was saying to dh he would have no clue about how to apply for places etc, what they do each day at school so what kits/equipment etc they need.

OTOH, he is a bright bloke - he'd work it out! Buy 99% of this household is run by me and if I got run over by a bus today, the whole lot would crumble around him for quite a while before he got organised.

"such as being rung up at work to be asked if he can give dd a Humzinger FFS!"
Really sorry M but that is hilarious. Was he met by an oh so stony silence?

I think I usually take more responsibility for jollying everyone along and calming emotional hiccups than my partner- partly because I tend to be more happy go lucky than him. I sometimes resent the fact that if I am feeling irritable and unjolly he doesn't seem as able to do that and everyone will dive into the quagmire of grump alongside me. Practically we are pretty even in parenting and household tasks though we often go for the shared solution of deciding not to do things like name tags, lots of formal activities etc.

spot on Marina .. that's just it

Funnily enough DH and I had a big argument over this (indirectly) last night, and I was thinking of posting on here about it.

We both work from an office based at home (different businesses) but since I started doing this (used to work at an office) I'm convinced DH is doing less around the house - kind of assuming that I am doing it instead.

Written down it's all petty stuff, but it's beginning to bug me, so e.g.

• he puts a load of washing on, but NEVER gets around to transferring it to the tumble drier or clothes line, or sorting, folding and returning to rooms/ ironing pile etc (which of course is the time-consuming bit). But of course if I make any comment, he just says 'but I put the washing on!'

Also the last couple of weeks (back to school) have been hell - all the uniforms/ forms/ school clubs/ cheques/ PTA meetings - I have done it all. DS had a friend round to play early in the week (on a day DH usually 'takes care' of him after school) and finally at about 5.30 I had to 'ask' DH to make them some tea (even though I know we'd agreed to split the week like this, so we could each have certain 'long' working days. I resent the fact that I still had to be 'thinking' about the boys downstairs and remembering to remind DH.... he just doesn't 'get' why this annoys me so much?

Also he always does the single 'big' jobs e.g. painting a door or putting up shelves, which he can clearly point to and say "Look, I've done that!". I get all the 'consumables' - cooking, shopping, washing, odds & sods for school. .

Has anyone ever tried to successfully work out a 'responsibilities list' with their partner, so everyone is clear what the other is expecting, 'cos I think that's where I'm heading at the moment....

Sorry- I see that stony silence was not the response you went for. How exciting for your colleagues!

DP has rung me at work to ask me 'shall I take your washing out of the machine?'

1. It's our washing
2. No, just leave it and it'll walk to the washing line all by itself.

I have to say though that having kids has just exacerbated a trait that he's always had. I've always been the planner and organiser, he's just along for the ride.

at puddle!

Dh learnt the hard way fairly early on in our parenting life that "for you" was not an appropriate phrase to use in the context of discussing domestic chores, although occasionally he still has to check himself.

I wonder if your dp and mine were separated at birth puddle.

I'm afraid I sank to the depths of the lowest form of wit, scummy, and finished off my hissed tirade about using your grown-adult common sense with, "And whatever you do, ring me if she needs the loo, so I can do a risk factor evaluation over the phone for you".

I had already been called to ask if it was OK for dd to watch Tracy Beaker

I do love him really, he's just a clueless nong. And as busy at work as I am at the mo so quite zonked, but just the same!