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Original poster

In any relationship, one person (normally the mother) takes full responsibility for the child(ren) ...

139 replies

Twiglett · 15/09/2006 09:46

don't they? so its never truly equal is it? ie one partner could just get up and go with minimum effort but the other partner would have more difficulty in doing the same

is it ever truly, truly shared even in the most democratic of households?

say for instance school clothes need buying, babysitters organising, getting them to school, activities booked etc .. all the little niggling things that come with children .. are they normally thought about and sorted out by one person in general or is it ever truly shared

OP posts:
Issymum · 15/09/2006 13:12

Marina is bang on the money - it's the 'thinking and planning' that get left to me. DH is fantastic, he's the person who gets home every night at 6pm so that our nanny can knock off, he will also roll out of bed at 2am to deal with a nightmare and has wiped as many bums as me. He is a loving, involved and thoughtful father, but all child-related logistics are up to me.

By example, sentences my DH has never used:

"How about pasta and ham for the girls' tea?"
"The absence letter is in DD1's school bag."
"I've bought some gloves for the girls as last year they were all sold out by November."
"I'll be taking DD2 in for her jabs tomorrow."
"I've asked [nanny] to babysit on Thursday night as we'll both be at the parents' evening."

But he would argue that I have never been known to speak the following:

"Both our tax returns are in the post."
"Sign here to change your pension arrangements."
"I've arranged for the plumber to take a look at the boiler as I'm concerned that that noise it's making may the thribble-bolt-sensodyne-lock-washer failing."

We both have very clearly demarcated areas of responsibility for the house and children. If we didn't, our lives would descend into chaos with double-jabbed kids and overdue tax returns. It's just that women tend to do the child stuff.

harpsichordcarrier · 15/09/2006 13:17

I agree with Twig.
one thing about the "handover" to the other partner though - I used to think I had to do this too - sorting out clothes and food and giving a long list of who does what when.
now I just let dh get on with it, frankly, and try not to care. that way he just learns by trial and error (it helps that dd1 is much more able to describe what she wants and the rest of it). but I think it has really helped his confidence to be able to say oh yes dd1 does this and that, and I haven't told him
which sounds hugely patronising now I write it down

Wordsmith · 15/09/2006 13:24

I's say about 70-30, he does a lot more with DS1 who's 6 (than he does with DS2, I mean) and he knows much more about his karate lessons than I do. As from next week he'll have full responsibility for the kids on Mondays as I'll be out at work and then going on to my pilates class almost imediately after. He's at home on Mon. It'll be the first time he's has DS2 all day and done the school run both ends of the day and had to think up and make tea and then put them both to bed. It will be interesting to see if he does any general housework and makes them a dinner from scratch or just plays all day with DS2 and then does beans on toast.

I will still do all the planning/checking money's in school purse/answering letters/buying birthday presents etc. It wouldn't occur to him to think about it and it comes naturally to me. But our relationship has always been one where I'm the organiser, even before we had kids - I make sure bills are paid and so on. I would like it to be different and feel I could take more of a back seat and have realised the only way to do this is to stop doing it myself. Otherwise you just get 'oh but you're so much better at it than me'.

The point is, only one person needs to do most stuff - there's no point duplicating. As long as you both pull your weight then there shouldn't be a problem.

CountessDracula · 15/09/2006 13:27

I seem to remember a thread or was it an article about this which said that the mother is the one with the "family picture" in her head, so she automatically knows what has to be done when.

I have a constant list in my head I know!

Ie if you were going on holiday, how many of your dhs could pack properly (and I mean a uk holiday where you have to take food etc, self catering sort of thing)

Not many I bet

Cappuccino · 15/09/2006 13:33

harpsi that's exactly the attitude I take with my dh - I realised that a couple of my friends (and sometimes me though obviously much less because I am practically perfect) would get really annoyed if their dh did something different to the way they did it, even if everything did get done and the kids stayed alive and everything

I'm talking about things like hanging the washing up in a particular order or wearing the slightly thicker skirt to school because it might cloud over later or not having cheese on pasta today because dc had had a babybel at lunchtime

sometimes if you run stuff it's easy to get a bit control freaky about how things work

and letting dhs sort it out themselves is, well, ffs, what you ought to be able to expect of them. They're grown men. We're not their mothers

ComeOVeneer · 15/09/2006 13:42

DH does very little around the house or for the children tbh. In his defence he is out the house just after 8am and not home before 8pm at the earliest. At the weekend he takes the time to do fun things with the kids (park,swimming etc) rather than the mundane (washing, housework etc). He deals with all the finances (mortgage,life insurance) and the house and children are my domain. I now this sounds rather like a household from the 50's but it works for us. I am pretty particular about how things are done so would follow around after him correcting it all anyway.

harpsichordcarrier · 15/09/2006 13:48

exactly Capp. I go to a tutorial every month all day on a Saturday and I used to get up and leave dd1's meals prepared in the fridge and leave her clothes out . and if I was going out I would always make sure I put her to bed.
things really had to change when dd2 came along, so I try not to mind too much about the Scooby doo watching and the cocopops BUT he absolutely cannot look after the children AND kepe the house in some sort of order and it is always a kind of treat day to be looked after by daddy
like comeonveneer though, he is out from 7am till 8 or 9pm every day, so it is not like he has any time for childcare during the week.
but tbh I don't mind the fact that I look after the majority of the household stuff. the bit I that grates, tbh, is the social diarfy stuff - buying Christmas presents, phoning relatives, sending cards blahblahblah. I find that incredibly wearing

Legacy · 15/09/2006 13:53

Cappucino - you're so right, and I am guilty of this - I think DH has done soemthing 'wrong' when in fact it's just 'differently'. But I think it does come back to planning and thinking ahead in the end, because e.g. I don't want the kids to go to bed late 'cos I KNOW they'll be ratty the next day, then the morning will be horrible and it all goes downhill.... hmmm.. maybe I AM a control freak?

QueenEagle · 15/09/2006 13:57

Twig, that certainly used to be the case in my house. I would constantly have to remind/tell dh what needed doing and when.

However, since I have been working 3 evenings he just gets on and sorts out dinners, bathing, bedtime, milk and stories, homework, chores etc etc.

It has shown me actually, that I was guilty of not allowing him to get too involved. It is so much better now.

ScummyMummy · 15/09/2006 15:55

To be fair to all the dps and dhs (or should I say clueless nongs) mentioned here, I do think that this thread probably contains contributions from some of the most talented thinkers, planners and organisers in the known universe!

TheRealCam · 15/09/2006 16:15

Guess that proves they're not that clueless then Scummymummy, they spotted the way to an easy life

dinosaur · 15/09/2006 16:23

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

HRHQueenOfQuotes · 15/09/2006 16:23

Completely shared in this house!

School clothes - he did got the last lot
Babysitters - we rarely need babysitters at the same time - I suppose I organise most of them.....but it's me that needs them - if he needs someone then he sorts it.
Getting to school - shared equally
Activities booked - shared

Actual child care evenly shared.

I look after them weekday afternoons, we both look after them weekday mornings, if I've been working the night before then he looks after them on his own.

I do most of the clothes washing, he does most of the ironing.

He put the names in the school clothes this year.....

frogs · 15/09/2006 16:33

But dino, surely most women don't want to be clueless nongs where their children are concerned. Okay, I could live without being up to speed on my kids' shoe sizes, but I like to know what they're eating, or doing at school, or when their next music exam is and how the teacher thinks they're getting on.

Whereas most men don't mind contemplating these minutiae from a distance, if at all.

beckybrastraps · 15/09/2006 16:38

Yep, I take responsibility for the children. But he takes responsibility for the income. ANd we share ignoring the housework. And if I go away he manages. And if the unspeakable happened he'd pick it up quick enough. When we both worked, we both did it. All of it, even the boring little bits. Much easier now it's just me actually. No duplication or wondering if the other one has done it. Of course it's set a precedent for when I do go back to work, but I'm sure we'll sort it out.

motherinferior · 15/09/2006 16:48

I keep forgetting my children's shoe sizes, frogs

But this is something I've thought a lot about over the past few years - as a number of my friends will attest from grumbly emails. I've felt very much the 'default' person: the one who knows which days DD1 has PE, and who makes sure she does some school reading, and sorts the half-term homework out (into the stuff that is DP's responsibility and the stuff that's mine), and who sorts out those bags of clothes to work out what fit and what doesn't....especially as I work based from home. I've felt very much the person who can pick up the slack if there's a crisis, and so on. And I know who their friends are.

For me, one way round this (because I did feel not hog-whimpering wild about it) has been to do a more formal demarcation of things like party invitations: we alternate, and alternate the lot (buying the card, buying the present, sorting the transport, and so on) and the aforementioned homework. And in fact one of the main reasons I've opted for a job where I'll be based outside the home two days a week is that I can hand over the 5pm pickup to DP (whereas I get the morning walk, for which I feel a possibly fairly perverse affection). I think that should redress a lot of balance, actually. I hope....

dinosaur · 15/09/2006 16:55

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

ScummyMummy · 15/09/2006 16:59

I am a clueless nong- no doubt- but unfortunately so is partner. boo hiss boo hiss.

motherinferior · 15/09/2006 17:01

I would very very much love it if DP turned up one day from Sainsbury's with, say, new pants for his daughters. Or socks.

dinosaur · 15/09/2006 17:02

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Blu · 15/09/2006 17:05

Am still LOLing at 'locate own arse with both hands'

Blu · 15/09/2006 17:06

And Tracey Beaker!!

jessicaandrebeccasmummy · 15/09/2006 17:06

DH does a lot of the "care" side of the role and I do the paperwork/appointments etc.

DH went back to work yesterday after 3 months off and its been a shock for both of us, but he is also being discharged in 2 weeks time and will become a SAHD and I get to go back to work (And tbh i cant bloody wait)

He is a lot more patient and calm with the girls than me, and he baths them, i get them ready for bed, he puts them to bed.

He gets up to them at night, and first thing in the morning, often getting me up at 8am 20 mins before he has to be at work.

It works for us, neither of us feel the other is doing too much and we are happy. Weknow that once 7pm hits, other than put dishwasher on, all is done and the evening is ours.

motherinferior · 15/09/2006 17:07

To be fair to Mr Inferior, he is I think slowly realising that his daughters aren't babies any more and that his determined vagueness about their friendships and social network has got to crumble. I think he can tell some of DD1's friends apart now.

But I'll bet the farm if I went away over a weekend he wouldn't remember DD1's PE kit on the Monday - although I do also concede that may be because I neurotically sort it out in advance. Because part of this in our case is that I am a (fairly good) advance planner and organiser, which DP isn't.

I would love to be the sort of person who can coast vaguely through life, it sounds so very much fun and so cool

notasheep · 15/09/2006 17:12

dp has yet to surprise me and remember the dinner money