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Original poster

*Warning a little explicit* Really so fuming with my dh. Have you ever found porn on the PC downloaded by your dh?

107 replies

fumingactually · 05/09/2006 16:33

I cannot bring myself to post under my name so if you suspect trolling fair enough.

Ok I know it's more a guy thing and I never thought I would react in this way but think the way I found this stuff and recent events have all contributed to my feeling absolutely shit today.

DD wanted to see some video files of her we have on our PC,lately I have been sorting some of the earlier ones into folders etc. She is sat on my lap and I do a search for her stuff which is when she fiddles with the keyboard and unwittingly opens up an avi file with some really hardcore *nal stuff on it.

I was so shocked that I flustered a bit before I managed to grab the mouse. She said some stuff innocently and now keeps referring to mummy's bits and other parts of anatomy (the woman on the avi had dark colouring like me) I feel sick that she saying these things.

It's stuff that dh has been looking at for god knows how long and we had a huge row about it and I told him it was throughly irresponsible no different to him leaving dirty mags in her toybox downstairs. He was distraught and I'd say appeared pretty distraughtthat she had to see that.

Anyway off on a tangent now but dh has pretty much tried to get me to do stuff that I don't care for sexually and most of these files contain examples of this and I am left feeling hurt, inadequate and frankly very insecure.

I feel like this is a side to him that I could never see before and that he has been living a lie.

I'm not happy at all right now and my emotions feel so tangled.

OP posts:
Original poster
fumingactually · 05/09/2006 16:45

Oh Christ. I feel dreadful that nobody has posted.

Please don't think I am a bloody tripperty-trapper.

OP posts:
anniediv · 05/09/2006 16:46

I don't think that but I don't know what to say...

hunkermunker · 05/09/2006 16:48

I don't think you're a troll.

How old is your DD?

Have you spoken to him about how uncomfortable the things he wants you to do make you feel?

Would he go to counselling? It looks like he's compelled to look at this stuff, rather than doing it to upset you - addictive behaviour?

Original poster
fumingactually · 05/09/2006 16:48

Sorry, I don't mean to come across as rude.

OP posts:
LieselVonTrapp · 05/09/2006 16:48

I dont know what to say but didnt want to wander past without giving you some comfort. I do know that porn is a fairly common and harmless hobby for a huge percentage of the male population.
I really dont know what else to say though

Original poster
fumingactually · 05/09/2006 16:49

She is 2.5.

He knows about how it makes me feel and doesn't pressure me.

He doesn't think it's addictive beaviour, he says all men do it and he has an interest in it.

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Wordsmith · 05/09/2006 16:51

I would tell your DH that if he wants to look at that sort of stuff then get his own computer which you don't have to use too. Your analogy of porn in the toybox is spot on. If he has to look at it (and I would feel exactly the same as you about it, believe me) he should do it completely separate from his wife and child. I would tell him that you are amazed that he can even think of bringing such stuff into the family home, to be honest. Good luck to you.

It may be quiet cos it's teatime!

Original poster
fumingactually · 05/09/2006 16:53

Thank you.
I've been a wreck today and not let dd go to nursery as I am petrified that if she says anything they are going to think/assume awful stuff.

OP posts:
hunkermunker · 05/09/2006 16:54

Right. Don't worry about DD - for now. What she saw won't make any lasting impression on her, I'm sure.

BUT it will begin to if he doesn't find some way to curb this and she keeps seeing stuff on the family PC like this.

I think I would very calmly say "I'd like a word, please"

Then I'd, still calmly, say "I realise you look at porn and, much as I don't like it, unless it involves children or animals or violence, so be it. But if you bring it into our home and keep it somewhere where DD can see it, do not be surprised if one morning you wake up with your testicles stuffed in your mouth. If you cannot promise me this won't happen, you need to think about getting some outside help with this because it is a problem."

Then you tackle him about him making you do things that make you feel uncomfortable separately, at a different time.

PinkTulips · 05/09/2006 16:55

for you.... how irresponsible to have it there where there was a chance your dd could see it. no wonder you're fuming.

i'd second hunkers suggestion of councelling.... it sounds like his interest in this stuff is turning into an obsession tbh.

Holidaymum · 05/09/2006 16:55

agree with wordsmith. Hopefully dd will forget about it soon.

Original poster
fumingactually · 05/09/2006 16:58

I don't want to post what she said to me this morning. It's awful and I was really bsahful about coming out of the shower this morning-which normally I would do without a care.

I think she other PC idea is good and I'm not sure what to think about the porn thing. What's the difference between liking it and having an obsession though? I like/eat chocolate alot but wouldn't say I was obsessed with it.

OP posts:
VeniVidiVickiQV · 05/09/2006 16:59

I wouldnt say addictive, to be honest.

I agree that you have every right to be angry with him for allowing it to be so freely accessible for your DD to catch sight of. It really is irresponsible and careless.

I can understand that you are hurt by this, aside from the fact that it is shocking to see (especially when you aren't expecting it....), I am guessing that you feel like you aren't enough for him.

What I would say is that, from a personal point of view I have no issues with porn, and accept that a large majority of men have preferences such as those you witnessed.

To be able to enjoy these things through looking at porn (not most womens cup of tea, I grant you) is a "safe" way of purging, if that is something that turns him on, but not something you wish to do. To a certain extent, people cant "decide" what does and doesnt do it for them. I suppose what I am saying is that this, if at all possible is the best "compromise" for him.

I think you need to sit down and talk this whole thing through with him. I dont think that making him feel like a freak for looking at it will help, same as telling you that you are wrong for not liking it isnt helpful.

You need to know where he is coming from and he needs to know where you are coming from and hopefully you can both meet somewhere in the middle.

PinkTulips · 05/09/2006 17:00

do you HAVE to eat chocs though... even if it were to negatively impact on your marraige and daughter and you knew this?

Holidaymum · 05/09/2006 17:00

How often does he view it? Does he spend time viewing porn when he should be doing other things? Have you checked the history on the pc to see how much he looks at?

Eowyn · 05/09/2006 17:01

my dh has the same inclinations iykwim which I do not wish to comply with.. and I found a very expensive stash of dvds of that nature... so I know how you feel to some extent, but if they'd been left where dd could have seen them I don't like to think what I'd have done..

had a pretty bad time after that as it was, not totally resolved really..

MrsApronstrings · 05/09/2006 17:01

I wouldn't worry too much about your daughter - she is very young - too young to remember or glean any implications from what she saw I would think - so down play it, casually change the subjsct if she mentions it and hopefully she will soon forget. This presumably has been a wake up call for your dh.

southeastastra · 05/09/2006 17:01

it's awful but you really have to talk to him, find out exactly what the problem is, otherwise it will eat away at you.

PinkTulips · 05/09/2006 17:02

don't get me wrong, have no prob with porn but if dp left it where therte was a chance in hell of dd finding it and seeing it i could not be responsible for my actions i'd be so mad.

Bibliophile · 05/09/2006 17:02

If you liked chocolate so much you ballooned so you much you could hardly breathe and couldn't look after your children properly then you would have a problem. If you liked it so much that you spent the children's lunch money on it it would be a problem. If it started to upset your children and interfere with your relationships and family life it would be a problem. Your dh's interest in porn is causing problems in his marriage and affecting his daughter. IMO it's a problem. I'm not saying he has to have counselling, but he does need to sort his priorities and look at what he is doing.

foxinsocks · 05/09/2006 17:04

I hate that bollocks excuse 'all men do it' - well, they don't!!

I don't know what to say about the porn stuff but I think it is totally unacceptable that he is trying to pressure you into doing something in bed that you are uncomfortable with.

I think I'd be so pissed off I'd be tempted to get a d*ldo and shove it up his arse and see how he feels about it.

serenity · 05/09/2006 17:05

I'm pretty sure that DH has looked at porn on the PC (not the stuff that you describe though) Tbh so long as it's not stored on here and he deletes the history so it can't be found accidently by the DCs I don't really care. I would however be fuming if I was put in your position, and I'd also be amazingly p'd off if DH kept trying to pressure me into something I didn't want to do.

I think you need to talk to your DH again, I would hope that he accidently left the file there. I think he needs to agree to a ban on all 18+ materials being viewed/downloaded on what is your family PC. If he's that desperate to look at it, he should get a laptop and keep it away from the family (sounds a bit seedy, maybe it'll sound seedy to him too, make him think about what he's doing!)

I can understand why you feel insecure. With the pictures and the pressure it must feel like he wants more than you're willing to give, but see what his reaction is after you discuss it. If you feel brave ask him outright if he's going to leave it or if he's prepared to jepodise his family by pursuing it - where will it end? If pictures lose their thrill, is he going to look for it in RL? I think, and I hope that that is far far beyond anything he's considered. I think he's just being clumsy and insensitive. and I think he needs a good jolt to realise just how much he's let you down.

Right, that took ages and I'm sure it's been xposted with far better (and shorter!) advice, but I hope you get it sorted.

Original poster
fumingactually · 05/09/2006 17:05

Gosh.
That's quite a bit to think about.
VVVQ yes you are spot on about how it's made me feel. I feel like I am not enough for him now.

OP posts:
PinkTulips · 05/09/2006 17:06

excellant plan foxinsocks. i'd love to see his face if she did

Fran81 · 05/09/2006 17:08

I can only sympathise. this is one of the reasons i split from DD's daddy. He just could not help himself and it was becomming an addiction I think. It didn't help that, like you, it was things I didn't really want to do. Also, women with very boy shape figures like I used to have pre baby...(know kind of a curvy flabby mess!) Didn't help that he told me he didn';t fancy me anymore!

If I were you..and your relationship is still good otherwise, then I would perhaps contact relate or another service like them. Porn doesn't have to be a big deal, but you don't want to get to a point where it is...(if you see what I mean?)

I can only agree with others too...if he is going to look at it, then he needs a seperate PC to do it on and if this isn't possible, then he simply can't do it anymore.

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