*Warning a little explicit* Really so fuming with my dh. Have you ever found porn on the PC downloaded by your dh?

[fumingactually]

I cannot bring myself to post under my name so if you suspect trolling fair enough.

Ok I know it's more a guy thing and I never thought I would react in this way but think the way I found this stuff and recent events have all contributed to my feeling absolutely shit today.

DD wanted to see some video files of her we have on our PC,lately I have been sorting some of the earlier ones into folders etc. She is sat on my lap and I do a search for her stuff which is when she fiddles with the keyboard and unwittingly opens up an avi file with some really hardcore *nal stuff on it.

I was so shocked that I flustered a bit before I managed to grab the mouse. She said some stuff innocently and now keeps referring to mummy's bits and other parts of anatomy (the woman on the avi had dark colouring like me) I feel sick that she saying these things.

It's stuff that dh has been looking at for god knows how long and we had a huge row about it and I told him it was throughly irresponsible no different to him leaving dirty mags in her toybox downstairs. He was distraught and I'd say appeared pretty distraughtthat she had to see that.

Anyway off on a tangent now but dh has pretty much tried to get me to do stuff that I don't care for sexually and most of these files contain examples of this and I am left feeling hurt, inadequate and frankly very insecure.

I feel like this is a side to him that I could never see before and that he has been living a lie.

I'm not happy at all right now and my emotions feel so tangled.

Also I can see why it would be anoying if its stuff you don't want to do , but then he does not need to ask you to do it. know it is irritating though, my issue is lack of real sex between us so I get a bit miffed he wastes it on porn lol

Fumingactually - I'm using an alias too for obvious reasons. Porn's not a 'personal' problem unless it's damaging to the user and/or to those who love them. A whole other thread is needed for whether it's a social problem - a user called monkeytrousers I think has a lot to say on the subject. But, from a personal POV, if you'd like a chat with someone for who it WAS/IS a problem and managing to get past it (slowly), h23 linked to my thread below and the subsequent one I set up.

With regards to your situation right now - I think your DH will feel awful that your dughter saw that video and that in itself may be enough to shock him into looking at the sitution more seriously and taking steps to make sure it never happens again. Often the line - 'how would you feel if that were your daughter having a dck stuck up her ase on film' will do the trick. With regards to how you feel, you don't need to feel inadequate in any way at all though I know it's really hard. Like I said, if you want a chat I'm still around (and not quite so angry anymore so hopefully constructive advice long with the sympathy).

But some men do as do some women, and I just can't see the point in getting worked up about it. If it's not your bag, fine. If it is your thing, fair enough.

if you don't see it anymore you won't get all upset, honestly tell him to keep it out of your face and the family pc

I probably won't say the type of thing you want to hear right now but porn doesn't have to be bad.

There's a few questions that I'd ask of you and your partner in these circumstances:

Why can't you bring yourself to post this under your name?
Do you think sex is something dirty?
Do you think porn is automatically bad/evil/dirty?
Do you enjoy sex?
Do you initiate sex?

When your husband wanted you to do things sexually you didn't care for;
how did he approach it?
what did you say?
Did you tell him any of his ideas/desires/needs were dirty/bad
Has he ever refused any of your desires/needs
Do you communicate your desires/needs?

Are you more annoyed that;
he was looking at porn
your DD saw it
it was something you had refused to do with him
you fear he may move on from porn to illicit sex

Now for the biggy
Do you read or watch any type of romance films/books/aga sagas/ hello magazine?

In all of those you are seeking a fantasy you don't have at home. The hunky plumber sweeping you off your feet, the romatic poet, the famous lifestyle. We all - men and women - tend to take the 'easy' option sometimes to fulfill a desire. Whether that is for more romance via the written word(usually women) or wilder sex via pictures(usually men) - it doesn't make us bad people.

I'd say have a quiet adult conversation with him and explain that you don't want your DD to be exposed to that type of sexuality whilst she is a child. You DO have a right to be angry about that.

The rest of it - well thats up to you, it can be a marraige breaker if you want it to be, on the other hand an honest and nonjudgemental conversation may make your relationship stronger if you use it as an opportunity to BOTH talk about what you want romanticlaly and sexually from each other.

Just a quick one on the other issue thats cropped up - why on earth is porn degrading to women?

It sexualises men just as much and believe me there is porn devoted to dominant women, gay sex, gay dominant sex etc etc.

Agree with Iquiteunderstand - read most of the archived threads on here and you'll see the biggest problem is not the porn but the lies and deceipt - that's your sign IMO that there's a problem.

Riab - whole other thread!

SEx can be intimate and loving with the right partner. Sex can also just be a damn good f**k, anamalistic, raw, dirty and down right fantastic. Nothing wrong with either.

Some women like to be f**ked you know. Some women like looking at porn. Some women like reading erotic fiction. Some women get a kick out of knowing that men find them horny and simply want them for sex.

There is nothing wrong with being dirty IMO.

Hmm. I'm far from convinced that all men use porn, at least the sort of porn you mention. I certainly had one ex who absolutely did not use porn, even when masturbating. And I've had a few who preferred written porn (dirty stories) and couldn't stand pictures. (I'm guessing dirty stories are less offensive? As nobody can be participating in them against their better judgement?)

Reasons I find video/photo porn problematic:

• women involved may be mistreated (the whole Deep Throat story)
• it perpetuates unrealistic ideas about how women look, particularly bizarre public topiary and alarming breast implants
• ok, yeah, yeah, someone people do it by choice and are well-paid. Would you want your daughter doing it? Really?

That being said, I don't really understand why you're troubled (or even surprised!) to find your DH has porn of an act you don't want to do? I mean, you already knew he was interested in that, why is this worse? He accepts you don't want to do it, he's fulfilling his fantasy another way.

IQU, most of the porn I've seen seemed to involve women very much wanting sex, demanding it, pretty much.

I've not seen hardcore for yonks, though (had some v sad roommates at uni), and I gather it's a bit darker these days.

Lying is a problem, though, about anything. I did get very annoyed with an ex, once, when I found a cache of (fairly inoffensive) porn in a box behind the sofa, while I was moving things about for the window men. Somehow, even though I more or less knew he had porn, and wasn't actually opposed, it was still quite upsetting to find this box full of nekkid ladies in my house.

I do think, that if there is porn in the house (on the computer, whatever), both people need to know where it is, particularly if they want to stay away from the other person's cache!

stop the lies and deceit by telling him he can look at what he likes he is an adult after all, but to keep it away from you and locked away. then no kids see it you don't see it and no one gets lied to.

NQC, PMSL at "public topiary"

Like this...

Whoops ... obviously meant "pubic" there.

Although am now wondering who does waxing to the shape of a peacock ...

Agree NQC, completely.

Oh, well, we can both look for someone doing peacock waxing, and share information as we go? ;-)

I started a thread a while ago after I saw porn on our history and I was certain it linkwasn;t dp as it seems so out of charactar. Click here for dp dalinaces with Miss Pussyland! But (much to Cods amusement) it was dp and tbh it did not really bother me, as I know that his interest in looking at women in states of undressed excitement in no away undermined his love or passion for me. What he looked at did not involve animals or children and was just a bit of fantasy - something we all do it just takes different forms.

I don't think your husband needs counselling or that this needs to be a big issue, he was daft not clearning his history and that needs to be discussed if your children are to access the computer. Maybe you do need to have a chat about sex if your wants and desires are not matched, relate do a really good book about sexual relationships that I can recomend if you think that perhaps you and dh need to talk about your sex life in an open and frank manner. But honestly unless dh is spending a fortune on porn or is spending hours looking at the stuff I would not worry.

I'm not interested in being f*ed only in being made love to.

just my honest opinion

i'm saying too much ingnore me
0 i', off

What book is that Twinset?
Yes I am interested.

PMSL Hoolio

Not quite sure how I feel about porn totally - on the one hand I find it degrading and insulting to women and men to be objectified by one or two body parts, but on the other hand I can see that it may relieve the pressure, so to speak, that may otherwise be relieved in far nastier ways on unconsenting parties. (not sure I really buy into that latter view, mind you).

However what is at issue here is:

a) fa's husband has, albeit inadvertently, exposed his wife and child to images which shocked and dismayed the former and confused and upset the latter. FGS, it isn't that hard to delete files from a computer - the reason they have been left on there is for him to 'enjoy' again at a later date - which is inexcusable on a family computer

b) he knows fa dislikes the idea of anal. (I agree with her, by the way, not that it's relevant.) Whether fa and I and others who dislike the act are being prudes or repressed or whatever isn't the point. the fact is he is showing a complete lack of respect for his wife by allowing these images to be seen on the family computer.

c)riab - I'm sure what you say is perfectly reasonable, but the key issue is a lack of respect for the feelings of the person you are supposed to love and cherish. To question fa's sexual tastes and imply that perhaps she's being a little uptight (which your post does) not only misses the point completely but insults fa as well.

d) porn, when it's legal and used openly to the agreement and tolerance of both sides, is fine. When it's hidden, secret and 'shameful', then I'm sorry but I think it's just plain wrong.

e) finally, riab, your analogy with romance and the like is quite obtuse. Romance and fantasy requires the use of imagination. Porn does not.