Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Other subjects
Original poster

*Warning a little explicit* Really so fuming with my dh. Have you ever found porn on the PC downloaded by your dh?

107 replies

fumingactually · 05/09/2006 16:33

I cannot bring myself to post under my name so if you suspect trolling fair enough.

Ok I know it's more a guy thing and I never thought I would react in this way but think the way I found this stuff and recent events have all contributed to my feeling absolutely shit today.

DD wanted to see some video files of her we have on our PC,lately I have been sorting some of the earlier ones into folders etc. She is sat on my lap and I do a search for her stuff which is when she fiddles with the keyboard and unwittingly opens up an avi file with some really hardcore *nal stuff on it.

I was so shocked that I flustered a bit before I managed to grab the mouse. She said some stuff innocently and now keeps referring to mummy's bits and other parts of anatomy (the woman on the avi had dark colouring like me) I feel sick that she saying these things.

It's stuff that dh has been looking at for god knows how long and we had a huge row about it and I told him it was throughly irresponsible no different to him leaving dirty mags in her toybox downstairs. He was distraught and I'd say appeared pretty distraughtthat she had to see that.

Anyway off on a tangent now but dh has pretty much tried to get me to do stuff that I don't care for sexually and most of these files contain examples of this and I am left feeling hurt, inadequate and frankly very insecure.

I feel like this is a side to him that I could never see before and that he has been living a lie.

I'm not happy at all right now and my emotions feel so tangled.

OP posts:
VeniVidiVickiQV · 05/09/2006 17:08

Fox - she said he doesn't pressure her.

foxinsocks · 05/09/2006 17:09

she said 'dh has pretty much tried to get me to do stuff that I don't care for sexually and most of these files contain examples of this '

starshaker · 05/09/2006 17:09

my dp went through a phase of chatlines porn sites dvds and sky porn. i didnt mind the dvds but the chatlines (costing £1.50pm) pc porn (left viruses) and sky porn (ran up a bill of £140 ffs) really bugged me but mainly because of the money and the fact he was hiding it from me.

all i can say is that you have spoken to him and he knows how you feel about it so he should respect that and agree with the seperate computer idea.

Original poster
fumingactually · 05/09/2006 17:10

I don't think saying don't do it or I'll walk is feasible. I just imagine that would make someone do it more secretively.

He is (here I go sounding like the mother of all cliches) a fantastic, doting father/husband very considerate and loving and thoughtful (barr this incident that is)Which is probably why this feels so wrong and out of character.

OP posts:
Bibliophile · 05/09/2006 17:11

This: ""Anyway off on a tangent now but dh has pretty much tried to get me to do stuff that I don't care for sexually and most of these files contain examples of this and I am left feeling hurt, inadequate and frankly very insecure."
Sounds quite like pressure to me.

Original poster
fumingactually · 05/09/2006 17:12

Fox, he has asked more than once but never gotten funny with me and told me it's fine if I was uncomfortable. I think that's why it makes me feel really angry that he would apppear to be fine with me then seek it in other "formats"

Does that make sense?

OP posts:
Original poster
fumingactually · 05/09/2006 17:13

But Bibliophile, he's never known that I could see this stuff. I don't think he was hinting to me in any way.

OP posts:
VeniVidiVickiQV · 05/09/2006 17:14

I think its excessive for people to say he is addicted. THere isnt any evidence for that - sorry fuming.

The thing is, in my limited experience, most men view porn in a different light, and what they are watching is purely for visual stimulation - visual stimulation can cause physical reactions for them that wouldnt happen (usually) in a woman. So its hard to compare.

He needs to reassure you himself, though, no good me telling you.

How he feels about you, and your relationship - including your sex life needs to be clarified, but, i think its early days to be doubting how much he cares of feels for you simply through "catching" him looking at porn.

You need to tell him that this is how its made you feel, and so you need to have a conversation.

southeastastra · 05/09/2006 17:14

i think blokes separate the two and sometimes it comes as a surprise to find out you are upset by it. talk to him

foxinsocks · 05/09/2006 17:15

it does make sense - you sound very calm, I must admit. I think I'd be furious and less likely to be rational (never a good thing!).

It sounds like he has become obsessed with *nal sex. Is everything alright between the two of you otherwise?

VeniVidiVickiQV · 05/09/2006 17:17

Fox....she clarified here....

By fumingactually on Tuesday, 5 September, 2006 4:49:53 PMShe is 2.5.

He knows about how it makes me feel and doesn't pressure me.

He doesn't think it's addictive beaviour, he says all men do it and he has an interest in it.

VeniVidiVickiQV · 05/09/2006 17:18

It is okay to type anal folks....its not a swear word...

Original poster
fumingactually · 05/09/2006 17:20

VVVQ, yes I know and I must admit to having glanced at that famous thread but I remembered what a poster had said about younger eyes glancing at the screen which is why I didn't type it (it being this time of day etc)

Yes other than what has happened I thought and dh has reassured me that all is ok.

Phew a few days ago I wouldn't have dreamed I'd be posting any of this.

OP posts:
VeniVidiVickiQV · 05/09/2006 17:27

Anal is only wrong if it is typed next to sex. IMO. But I see's where you are coming from (darned popeye thread).

Its shocking - he's an idiot for not securing it properly, but, I think you are good. Its a blip

Northerner · 05/09/2006 17:28

Hi fuming actually. Don't know where to start really, other than I think you are possibly over reacting just a little here. The main problem as far as I can see is that your dd saw a graphic image. She's only little, so narrow escape here me thinks. It is ver irresponsible of him to not delete his history etc, but I guess as dd is so young it's not like she on teh PC every day is it? So he can learn from this.

Porn is always a bigg issue for most women, personally it doesn't bother me. My dh looks at porn on the internet and we seem to forget that men can quite easily seperate sex from emotions. Most men used to ahve a porn mag stuffed under teh bed, now with the internet it is much more accessible and boy is there lots of it!! Saying he has an obsession is a bit OTT IMO, he's a man. And yes I do believe all men look at porn. Show me one who doesn't and I'll show you a lier.

Not sure if this helps at all, but I'd just say tell him how it makes you feel because I bet he has no idea. As long as he realises that porn is porn and not real life, and you don't have to recreate these scenarios in the bedroom then I think it's OK.

Good luck.

Northerner · 05/09/2006 17:30

Btw, my dh is forever asking for anal, he knows he'll never get it but he still asks......

In fact most of my friends dh'd do too. It's like the holy grail of sex I think. I've never once thought he is addicted/needs help etc.

foxinsocks · 05/09/2006 17:31

I don't think they all look at porn. I've had a few boyfriends who definitely didn't.

NotAnOtter · 05/09/2006 17:32

have only read the op and feel thoroughly distraught for you. Not experienced this myself but empathise with you nevertheless.
You sound lovely and tbh your dh's reaction makes him sound nice too. I know all this business is horrid but there is no accounting for sexual preferences and it could be much worse. Also you knew this was hispenchant so its not like he hid it from you.
As i have said not read whole thing but stay positive i do believe this will be a blip X

VeniVidiVickiQV · 05/09/2006 17:33

Foxi, id like to believe that.

Northerner · 05/09/2006 17:36

As I said show me a man who doesn't look at Porn and I'll show you a liar. Especially whilst, ahem, 'plesuring themselves'.

Original poster
fumingactually · 05/09/2006 17:48

Northener, I just wanted to clarify that dd didn't see an image but a movie. Personally I don't feel I over reacted but appreciate that you take the time to comment as I have found other parts of your post reassuring.

OP posts:
PinkTulips · 05/09/2006 17:49

dp doesn't, i occasionally flick to late night porn on tv for a laugh and we talk openly about stuff like that so he wouldn't bother to hide it from me, he just can't be bothered. doesn't wank either though as he doesn't much enjoy that either... says it's too frustrating and prefers the real thing! we watch it together sometimes as part of sex but that the only time he does.

he also doesn't want anal.... the thought horrifies him almost as much as me as it does with 60% of the lads i know.

i don't think mass generalisations are fair tbh, and certainly don't help the op as her post was more to do with the fact that he'd been irresposible enough to let it be seen by her dd.

h23 · 05/09/2006 18:01

fumingactually!!! I am totally shocked that your DD had to see that!
You should have a look here and here ...the second thread is a bit empty.

HTH

NotAnOtter · 05/09/2006 18:05

my dp does not look at porn northerner. No- and he is not a liar - i would almost encourage it if he did but he does not.

Original poster
fumingactually · 05/09/2006 19:09

Hmmm thanks for those links. I'm glad to see there are several other posters who would feel the same.

I'm no prude but just can't be totally comfortable with the situation right now.

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread