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Original poster

does anyone regret a abortion

45 replies

SHIREENSMOM · 04/03/2004 14:53

i am writing this because of what i wrote in the other thread i had a abortion 3 years ago i was only 17 and i was with the same boyf that i am with now and we have a dd togther and every day i think about a life that i disstroyed i cant get over it, after i had it done i had to take ages off work(my dad was my manager so i was allowed) after i had the abortion a moth and a bit later i found out that i was pg again and i didnt even think about having another abortion it felt like it was a way i could make up for what i done i would never change dd for the world but i cant stop beating myself up about it i was even looking at pro life web sites
yesterday and i was looking at the pictures of aborted babies i couldnt stop myself i was crying all night thinking how could i do that. does anyone else fell this too its only me dp and the doctors that no i had it done

OP posts:
secur · 04/03/2004 14:57

Message withdrawn

Galaxy · 04/03/2004 15:01

message withdrawn

donnie · 04/03/2004 15:03

I am very sorry for you Shireensmom.You were only young and probably very confused. I do not agree with abortion at all and I believe it is wrong to take a life.But abortion is promoted as being totally acceptable these days from so many sources that it's hard for people to see the wider picture, especially at a young age.My advice which you may feel sounds odd, is to pray for the soul of your dead child, and for yourself.God bless you.

aloha · 04/03/2004 15:03

Remember, if you hadn't had your termination, your dd wouldn't exist. You would have had that other child, maybe, but not this one whom you love so much. Stop torturing yourself by looking at other sites. I'm really sorry you feel this way. You made a decision that was the best one you could make at that time, and something lovely came out of it in the form of your little girl.
How is the rest of your life right now? What happened with your boyfriend's arranged marriage?

Original poster
SHIREENSMOM · 04/03/2004 15:13

the rest of my life is goin ok my boyf didnt end up going he told them no and they have just left it well i hope they will leave him alone. we have spoke about getting married soon

OP posts:
Clarinet60 · 04/03/2004 16:20

I second what aloha said. The time wasn't right for you then, and what happened probably makes your dd all the more precious.

motherinferior · 04/03/2004 16:32

Sweetheart, please don't look at the sites. What's done is done: I personally think women should have the option of abortion, but this isn't the place for a longer argument. Aloha is right. Your dd is so lovely.

WSM · 05/03/2004 09:38

Those pictures will do NOTHING to help you, they will just make you more confused and upset. What's done is done.

I, like you, had a termination at 6 weeks gest when I was around 17. It was by far the worst decision I have ever had to make. I know I did what was right for me at the time but the very second that I knew the pregnancy was over all I could do was cry and regret ever having done it.

5 years on and I have a DD of 18 months, I still feel that I shouldn't have gone through with the pregnancy in my heart, but my head tells me that I simply could not have coped financially or emotionally alone with a baby. I know I did the right (?) thing but I will never stop wondering what might have been.

Please don't go near those pro-life sites, they will only compound your misery. Put all your energies into being the best mum you can be to the child you do have.

WSM · 05/03/2004 09:44

FWIW Donnie, I think shireensmom was looking for support. I accept that you have your own opinions on the subject to which you are entirely entitled, but I can't see how telling her that 'it is wrong to take a life' and that she must pray for her 'dead child' is going to help her at all. Deliberately emotive language, inappropriate for a thread of this nature.

Having said all that I have said, I personally wouldn't go through a termination again. It was harrowing and tortuous for me, but I would NEVER feel it was my right to take away a womans right to choose.

Best wishes shireensmom.

WSM · 05/03/2004 09:45

"5 years on and I have a DD of 18 months, I still feel that I shouldn't have gone through with the pregnancy in my heart"

Sorry, I mean "5 years on and I have a DD of 18 months, I still feel that I shouldn't have gone through with the TERMINATION in my heart...". Unfortunate typo.

stillsosad · 05/03/2004 09:53

Shireensmom, please please try and stop torturing yourself over this. It can't change what's happened. I had an abortion years ago and bitterly regret it now. I so wish I had chosen to keep the baby. However, I remember at the time being so relieved when it was over. I think you should maybe talk things over with a counsellor. And PLEASE stay away from the pro-life websites.
I've changed my name for this post.

silly · 05/03/2004 10:06

Donnie -yes- your advice sounds very odd, as wsm says surely shireensmom needed support not for 'salt to be rubbed in the wound' for want of a better expression, i really dont think your opinion belongs on this thread. I had a termination and also regret it but you must try to find comfort in your beautiful dd and give yourself time to grieve. You may always regret it but you will come to accept it and that at the time it was the right thing to do and like the others say your were (and still are really) very young. thinking of you

Memory · 05/03/2004 10:07

Hello SHIREENSMOM.
I had an abortion 11 years ago when i was 19 and yes i do regret it!
I was living abroad at the time, with a foreign guy and i knew if i had the baby, i'd never be able to leave, i wasn't ready, we were penniless.........but when i woke up after it, i was tied to a trolley in the corridoe screaming NO! It was the very worst day of my life and i had dreams for months about the baby.
It has haunted me ever since and i hate myself for it, i'm nearly in tears now! Like you i looked up websites years later and sat one night crying and looking at pictures.
I just try to think that if i hadn't done it then , i wouldn't have dd now!
No-on knows about this,(DP does but not my family). I have changed my name as it's too personal for me!
All you can do is try to get on with your life and enjoy your daughter, we all do what we feel is best at the time. Hope you don't dwell on it too much.
(((((((((hugs))))))))))

Stargazer · 05/03/2004 10:07

Hi Shireensmom - deciding to have an abortion is the hardest decision I've ever had to make. I was 26, in a relationship that wasn't going anywhere and I was not in a position to have a child. I sobbed for hours when I got home, but I've never regretted having the termination. Don't beat yourself up about this - don't go looking at the pro-life sites they won't help. You and your partner have a DD now and you both love her. Perhaps you should go and talk to a councellor, that might help. But remember, you made the decision you had to at the time. It's not something you did easily - but don't let it cloud your life with your DP and DD.

I have a DS (8) and DD (2) - if I'd carried on with the pregnancy - they wouldn't be here and I wouldn't be with my DH. So for me, an abortion was the right decision. I hope this helps.

Love xx

Memory · 05/03/2004 10:22

Just to add, i think as with anything, the pain does get easier! Please don't dwell on it now, you can't change the past but you can have a happy future+++++

magnum · 05/03/2004 10:40

I really regret mine. It was quite a late one which makes it so much worse. My partner had left while I was pg and was living with someone else and I was an emotional wreck. I already had ds and felt that continuing with the pg at the time would have been disastorous. I wouldn't have been able to cope emotionally. I had very little support. Now I have a lovely dd but can't stop thinking about the termination. Like everyone has said already, you can't change the past and you have to look at the child you have now, who probably wouldn't have been born had you continued with the prev pg. that's the way I cope. I do feel things happen for a reason and your decision at the time would have been the right one.

lydialemon · 05/03/2004 10:58

Shireensmom, please don't look at those sites any more - its not helping you, and it won't change things.

All I can say is that you will feel better over time. You have your lovely DD, try to concentrate on her in the here and now, rather than beating yourself up over something you can't change.

I too had an abortion at 17. I regret that my circumstances meant I had to do it, but I don't regret that I did it IYKWIM. It took me a long time to stop thinking about it, even now I am aware that I could have had a 15 yr old DD/DS, but I feel the same about my MC.

I was lucky that I had a lot of support from friends and family. I didn't want it to be some 'dirty secret', so I told everyone what was going on (except my DHs parents who would have had us married off sharpish). I really feel you need to talk to someone - have a good cry over a cup of tea? Do you have a friend or relative who would be sympathetic? It's good to talk to us, but sometimes a big hug really helps.

Thinking of you.

fisil · 05/03/2004 11:04

Shireen, I can completely understand where you're coming from. Please see your doctor and ask for counselling - you don't want it to affect your relationship with your beautiful daughter.

I am facing a d&c next week for a missed miscarriage, and over the past few days I have found myself thinking "thank goodness I never had to face having an abortion." I know it's a strange thing to think in my position, and I'm not sure why I'm telling you this, except to say that I can fully empathise with how you are feeling. You have every reason to feel like thatm and every right to get treatment for it.

big hugs (((((((())))))))

lydialemon · 05/03/2004 11:06

Sorry, DH rang whilst I was posting and distracted me. Forgot to say, I'm not critising of having a dig at anyone, but I do find it sad that people feel they have to be anonymous in order to post on this subject.

Big hugs to everyone feeling sad.....

marthamoo · 05/03/2004 11:10

Shireensmom, I think counselling would help you - could you ask your GP? It's done, you can't change it, and you must forgive yourself - you did what you thought was right at the time. You're never going to forget that you had an abortion, but you must stop beating yourself up over it (and please stop with the pro-life sites). Concentrate on being a Mum to your lovely dd, and try and put it behind you.

MM xx

sosadstill · 05/03/2004 11:31

Lydialemon, it is sad I feel I have to be anonymomous, but I am ashamed of what I did. That's how I feel. My family and close friends do know but I feel others would judge me.

sosorry · 05/03/2004 12:10

I had an abortion 3 years ago and I think about it every day, expecially now I've a beautiful little baby. I was in a new relationship and my partner was ill. We weren't trying for a baby and the timing was just so wrong. I desperately wanted to keep the baby but I knew that there was no way he could handle that pressure on top of everything he was going through. I very reluctantly opted to have the pregnancy terminated. I hate myself for it. I sometimes feel hateful towards my partner because I did it for him, not me. Nothing can prepare you for how you will feel afterwards. It was the most awful decision I have ever made.

The only thing that gives me comfort is that my partner is now well and we have our beautiful baby and a solid relationship.

None of my family know and for me that's really hard as I share everything with my sister to whom I'm really close. I couldn't bear to tell anyone.

Shireen'smum...you did what was right for you and you must try and put this behind you. YOu have a lovely daughter to concentrate on and she would not be here if you'd gone ahead with your 1st pregnancy.

Donnie, really find you post disturbing...can't imagine how you feel that was helpful. Pile on the guilt why don't you?

fio2 · 05/03/2004 12:19

shireensmom please go and get counselling, it will make you feel better eventually. You shouldnt dwell on this, hard to say but things will get better. I am glad you byf has decided to work through tings with you aswell (((((()))))

fisil, I am sorry to hear this too, hope evrything goes ok for you (((((()))))))))

lydialemon · 05/03/2004 12:35

sosadstill, I know it won't make any difference to how you feel, but you have done nothing to be ashamed of. You made a difficult decision, based on your own circumstances and situation. Anyone wants to make an issue of it can eff off. No one has the right to judge you on this. ( Yes, I get a bit emotional over this, sorry!)

alongtimeago · 05/03/2004 13:18

Hi, I've changed my name for this too,sad that I feel I have to, but because this issue can colour peoples opinions of you.

I had a termination 23 years ago, it was right for me at the time and I don't regret it. I am now a mother (with the same partner as then) and yes that makes me feel differently about what I did, but it doesn't change the fact that it was the right thing to do.

Shireensmom, please don't beat yourself up about it, it happened and its done and you don't need to 'make up for it'. Don't look at those sites, they don't give a balanced picture and are there to be reactionary. I firmly believe that unless you have been in this situation you cannot, hand on heart say, 'I wouldn't have a termination, its wrong'. Its so easy to pass judgement but finding yourself pg at that age is......well I can't find the words but it is devastating and its frightening. I found that writing down how I felt and putting the letter away helped me, please get counselling if you feel its right for you.

Hugs