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Original poster

**********************MUMSNET JURY*******************************

64 replies

SoWhatDoYouThink · 11/05/2006 17:06

So heres the case:

Have been with DP for 5 months. He is a lovely person, we have a lot of fun and I love him very much.

He was previously with someone else for 2 years. He thought the world of her and they were very much in love. They spilt due to them both wanting different things out of life. They have remained friends and work together.

It was her birthday last week and he wants to take her out to lunch. Unfortunatly when he told me I got jealous and insecure and reacted badly. Although we talked and he assures me that it is just as friends and that its me he loves.

How would you feel about it?

Points to consider:

He has a long history with this girl. They split because they wanted different things not because things wernt good between them.

He was totally honest with me

He says that his feelings have changed towards her.

I have no reason not to trust him, he has never let me down.

I dont know and have never met this girl.

So, MN jury - whats the verdict?

OP posts:
JoolsToo · 11/05/2006 17:08

well he's told you about it, been upfront.

I'd trust him - you have to anyway for a sound relationship.

Greensleeves · 11/05/2006 17:09

I'm not sure I would be able to be reasonable about it - I would be as green as a very green thing, I'm afraid Blush

SKYTVADICT · 11/05/2006 17:10

I would feel just as you do. My DP has a best friend who is a woman and I hate it whent they go out and there was never anything between them.

Have you been invited to go with them?

Why does he want to take her out at all?

None of this is helping is it?

Greensleeves · 11/05/2006 17:10

When you say "He thought the world of her and they were very much in love" - would you describe your own relationship with him like that?

anorak · 11/05/2006 17:11

This happened to me soon after I met DH. With the important difference that the woman he had been seeing was married.

I told him how insecure I felt about it and asked him to make it a goodbye lunch, which he did.

He doesn't mind me meeting up with exes (I rarely ever do) but normally it would be both of us meeting them if anything.

I think the fact that she was married made me feel that she was the deceitful kind, and it was her I didn't trust rather than him.

JoolsToo · 11/05/2006 17:12

I agree with the others in that I don't think I'd be thrilled with the idea but I think that he hasn't taken her on the quiet is a good sign - men and women can be friendly after a break up

crunchie · 11/05/2006 17:14

Perhaps suggest you could meet her. Then you might get a sense of how the land lies IYKWIM

KBear · 11/05/2006 17:14

Ok be friends but no need to take her out for lunch IMO. He should send her a card and take you out for lunch. I would be pissed off TBH.

Original poster
SoWhatDoYouThink · 11/05/2006 17:15

Greensleeves - I love him and he loves me, but they have such a long history iykwim. I do sometimes feel i have to 'live up' to his memories but as he would tell me, we are two totally different people and its not possible to compare.

We have alot of fun and very good sex Wink I sometimes feel that I love him more than he loves me but thats my insecurities talking - hes never given me any reason to doubt how he feels for me. Hes been supportive and caring and I cant fault him in anyway.

SKYTVPERSON

Nope I wasnt invited but I dont know her and she doesnt know me, She is aware that he is seeing someone though.

Its because it was her birthday last week and traditionally they go out for lunch.

(He had arranged to go out with her today but when I said the he was supposed to be seeing me he cancelled his plans as he had honestly forgotten and took me for a picnic lunch instead :))

OP posts:
Original poster
SoWhatDoYouThink · 11/05/2006 17:17

Oh should also add that she is also in a new relationship and plans to get married.

I guess part of it is, that I know and trust him but i dont know or trust her - and you know what women can be like! He says she just wants to be friends.

OP posts:
JoolsToo · 11/05/2006 17:17

sounds like you've nothing to worry about

SKYTVADICT · 11/05/2006 17:20

I agree with Julestoo, don't think you have anything to worry about.

I have PMT at the moment so feel very emotional, first PMT after having an MC. My DP wouldn't dare go out with his friend at the mo!! Ha Ha. Just joking i'm not that bad.

Blu · 11/05/2006 17:22

I would let him go and not stress about it.
Jealousy is the quickest way to drive someone away - if he loves you you have nothing to worry about, if he is going to mess you around, he will do it all the more secretly if you are on his case.

I think it is perfectly normal to keep in touch with exes if it was an amicable enough split, it's lunch, he's been open with you about it, he's shown that he won't make excuses and has put your prior plans forst today, pay him the compliment of being grwon-up enough to behave like an honest adult.

I would have a very strong claustrophobic reaction to someone who was difficult about me seeing a friendly ex for lunch.

PollyLogos · 11/05/2006 17:27

Difficult one! But I am with Joolstoo in that you have to have trust in a relationship if it is to procede.

A lot depends I think on what the differing things were that they wanted. If he wanted to settle down (eg) and she didn't I wouldn't be so worried as I would if she wanted to settle down and he didn't.(probably illogical)

Also don't forget that it may be that you and him are right place /right time whereas they weren't.

Finally, I think you should at some stage meet this woman and hopefully become friends with her too.

Original poster
SoWhatDoYouThink · 11/05/2006 17:27

Nice post Blu :)

And I think you are right... by the end of the conversation I had told him to go to lunch and have a good time. And I meant it.

Im uncomfortable with the idea but he had already told me he wouldnt end his friendship with her (not that id asked him too) and I do trust him (I think its the not knowing her and the her not knowing about me)

I just know how in love they were and Im not sure how feelings like that than can disappear. She wanted marriage and kids and he didnt so they split.

I guess the strengh of his old feelings come across in conversation and I find that threatening. But I love him and I trust him. I dont want to be a jealous GF.

OP posts:
Blu · 11/05/2006 17:29

Hang on a mo' - she doesn't know you, or she doesn't know ABOUT you?

moondog · 11/05/2006 17:29

I think it's weird.
If it's over why does he want top take her out???

Original poster
SoWhatDoYouThink · 11/05/2006 17:32

He says that she must know hes seeing someone because he cancelled there plans today as 'he was meeting 'someone' else for lunch' He says she'll know he means a woman. I dont think he has told her specifically about me - although in our convo today I asked him too for my own peace of mind.

He wants to take her out as they were very close and are still friends. They work together. It was her birthday last week so he wants to do something nice I guess.

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Blu · 11/05/2006 17:35

I'm going for drinks and a dinner with someone I had an elongated fling with in a couple of weeks, to catch up on news about the same line of work we're both in, because he helped my organisation win an award and I want to say thank you, and because we find it useful to hear each others views on things - and have a nice time. NO chance of it being the slightest threat at all to his DP / kids or mine. Doesn't even cross DPs mind to think it's suspicious or a threat, and it isn't.

This is 21stC britain...not Victorian britain. I'm not going to live in purdah just because I'm in a relationship. I find it really weird that people have these 'coupley' expactations and limits.

beckybrastraps · 11/05/2006 17:35

Yep - she needs to know about you. If they're "very close" and you two are in love, very odd that he hasn't shared his news. Hmmm!

Hausfrau · 11/05/2006 17:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

beckybrastraps · 11/05/2006 17:36

Although if it wasn't for that, I would say absolutely no problem at all.

Blu · 11/05/2006 17:38

BUT, swdyt, despite my feelings in general about htese sorts of things, I would have expected him to have been absolutely upfront and clear about telling her he was seeing you. After all - if it is all fine and friendly, he certainly shouldn't be worrying that she would get upset about you. And she has found someone to think about getting married to v quickly, hasn't she?

Still think that you will do more harm than good by keeping him cooped up, tho! Just encourage him to tell her openly about you, and then suggest a 4-some drink.

juuule · 11/05/2006 17:39

Nope I wouldn't be happy at all. If it's all over between them why are they keeping up their their thing of dinner for birthdays. And why can't you go along too? and she could bring her fiance. Make it a foursome. Both of them together is just too cosy for me. Trusting soul aren't I? Envy Grin

Original poster
SoWhatDoYouThink · 11/05/2006 17:42

Blu, I think its cause it was a long term relationship. When they split up he got depression because of it.

He once said to me that he wishes things had been different with them. (although he says that the fact is that theyre not and hes with me now)

He will be reading this thread btw! I said that I thought MN would all say 'Noooo' Grin but i think that now we have talked my inital reaction has changed from 'No way ever ever ever' to 'ok if you must but im not comfortable about it'

Am hoping to get to the 'Im not bothered, have fun' stage.

I guess it is my problem not his and I will get over the insecurity. I keep telling myself that he has never given me any reason to doubt him and that he has been totally honest. He is a really lovely person, I just have never had to think about this sort of senario before.

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