**********************MUMSNET JURY*******************************

[SoWhatDoYouThink]

So heres the case:

Have been with DP for 5 months. He is a lovely person, we have a lot of fun and I love him very much.

He was previously with someone else for 2 years. He thought the world of her and they were very much in love. They spilt due to them both wanting different things out of life. They have remained friends and work together.

It was her birthday last week and he wants to take her out to lunch. Unfortunatly when he told me I got jealous and insecure and reacted badly. Although we talked and he assures me that it is just as friends and that its me he loves.

How would you feel about it?

Points to consider:

He has a long history with this girl. They split because they wanted different things not because things wernt good between them.

He was totally honest with me

He says that his feelings have changed towards her.

I have no reason not to trust him, he has never let me down.

I dont know and have never met this girl.

So, MN jury - whats the verdict?

If I was in your situation I would NOT feel comfortable with my dh going out to alone with an ex of his. Why don't you go along with him? He obviously wants to stay good friends with her so if you and him are an item then all the more reason for you to meet her.

Cause I really dont think he would want me meeting her or being there.

My boyfriend and I split because we wanted different things (we were fantastic together and never argued but we wanted different things)

I met someone else and had dd. He ended up in a 2 year relationship with someone else.

We went for a drink one day to try and clear the air so that we could be friendly for the sake of mutual friends. We have been back together 18 months now and things are fab again. Unfortunately his girlfriend got hurt in the process and for that I feel very guilty.

I would be very careful about people who meant so much to each other being 'friends'. Does she know all about you? if not why not?? has he played your relationship down? Why can't you go to lunch to?

..Will go and read thread now..

Feel I should emphasis the "If you trust him" bit (and point out that you don't HAVE to trust him...IYKWIM)
In your situation I would REALLY want him to let his ex know that he is with you...I know men sometimes don't run around shouting about their love lives as much as women do, but I would expect a close friend of either sex to know about another close friends relationship status.

I think Wannabe 1974 makes a really interesting point about why you might feel insecure - i.e his not wanting to marry / have kids.

Sparkler...don't you think it's a bit undignified to have to appear, limpet-like, at your partners side ata lunch meeting? The gf og one of my friendly-exes did this, and i thought 'eeeuk' amd was quite insulted that hse felt he needed 'protecting' fromme. Of course i was happy to meet her and would have become frioendly in the scheme of things, except that her initial chaperonong behaviour made me think 'clingy jealous female, eeeuk'!

And if a man did that, we'd be shouting 'controlling man, controlling man!'
harsh, aren't I?

M'ohara - Yes, I too am with someone who was once an ex (iyswim)...we always stayed friends during our years apart, and then got back together. BUT I waited to see if DP would wait until fishing his marriage before broaching our undoubted continuing connection (if he had tried dirty double dealing and deceit i would have had none of it, for ever!!), AND basically, if c someone IS going to get back together with an ex because of deep-rooted lasting feelings, you won't stop it, not at all, by keeping guard. And if you do, you won't be truly happy, so what's the point?

TBH I'd worry about the bit where he wouldn't want you to be there. He needs to tell her about you, and to be happy for you to be there (if you wanted to be) for it to be "right". Bit weird that she's meeting him if she knows her fiancee would be pissed off about it. I'd meet an ex, but only if I knew dh was OK about it (and he;d be more than welcome to come).

hmmm
no I don't think whether you trust her is relevant
what's she going to do - kidnap him and tie him up??
what's the worst she can do - make a pass at him? then what - if you can trust him , he will say no.
again, I agree with Blu.

Well we talked today as it was still bothering me and I worked out what it was that I was so uncomfortable about.

It was because when he told me his inital responce was 'im doing it anyway' so i felt like whatever my feelings were they would be irrelevant. It felt like she wanted to meet for lunch and he was putting her feelings first if that makes sense. Also I felt like I was being taken the piss out of and having my feelings laughed at. I had a mini flounce over it (He said I stomped off - but I dont stomp ) and then we talked properly and he reitterated that he loves me and that he was sorry for taking the pee (I also said sorry for being jealous and only seeing things from my point of view)

It does mean alot to me that she knows hes seeing me. Not just a person - but my name, and that he loves me etc. He was worried that she wouldnt want to hear it (my response was 'So??' Its a fact and thats that) So he will tell her specifically about me.

I was just about to post this when my friend came round and expressed a very strong opinion of 'finish with him, why on earth does he want to take an ex out to lunch, hes taking the piss out of you and you shouldnt stand for it and best to end it because I feel like crap about it'

Oh dear

I hate feeling jealous. And I love my dp very much. Ive said that its fine for him to go (like it matters anyway) and so I had better just get used to the idea.

Its wierd knowing that he can read this thread as between us we have sort of come to an understanding and its mainly me wondering how the hell to deal with feelings like these that are making me so miserable and its almost like I dont want him to know.

I can completely see why you have been upset by this...the way he braoched it, the whole thing about not telling her about you.

But what is really really good is that you both seem to have been able to talk about it openly and sensibly, and both make compromises and adjustments on the other's behalf.

HOPEFULLY this lunch will clarify his position for him, and sort his loyalties into a strong ranking order - he will find that telling her about you is easy and natural, and he is proud to talk about you, and you will be pleased to see him home again, and eager to hear how it went. And both move forward easliy together.

At very worst, it has raked up some stuff that the two of you need to think and talk about.

A little private territorial fireceness for someone is fine, natural and almost a bit sexy - hope he knows why you want the world to Keep Their Hands off, he's all yours when it counts!

Hope it all works out v well.

How did it all go, SoWhatDoYouThink?

New to this lark, so stick with me. I think you should let him go, if he is going to stray he will do it anyway. I do think it would be nice to meet the lady in question as it would show from his part that he is proud of you.

aah just read the thread properly I can see the time has passed Well how did it go?

My ex husband and I split b/c we, too, wanted different things in life, not b/c things went south for us.

We are both now happily remarried to people who shared similar goals AND we are still good friends. Our spouses know this, know each other, and it's all good. She's a wonderful woman and I'm so glad they have each other.

I'm very, very happy for him. See, when you love someone, you want to see them happy, even when that means their being with someone else.

I can understand where your partner is coming from completely.

It's OVER between them. That's why he is with you, and she will probably be w/someone else soon enough.

That doesn't always have to mean no more contact, ever.

You have an honest partner. I'd wish him well on his lunch.