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Original poster

**********************MUMSNET JURY*******************************

64 replies

SoWhatDoYouThink · 11/05/2006 17:06

So heres the case:

Have been with DP for 5 months. He is a lovely person, we have a lot of fun and I love him very much.

He was previously with someone else for 2 years. He thought the world of her and they were very much in love. They spilt due to them both wanting different things out of life. They have remained friends and work together.

It was her birthday last week and he wants to take her out to lunch. Unfortunatly when he told me I got jealous and insecure and reacted badly. Although we talked and he assures me that it is just as friends and that its me he loves.

How would you feel about it?

Points to consider:

He has a long history with this girl. They split because they wanted different things not because things wernt good between them.

He was totally honest with me

He says that his feelings have changed towards her.

I have no reason not to trust him, he has never let me down.

I dont know and have never met this girl.

So, MN jury - whats the verdict?

OP posts:
Blu · 11/05/2006 17:42

I once went on holiday with an ex, after I had started seeing someone else. The new man made a terrible fuss (understandable, I suppose) and created an ongoing row, but in truth, me and the ex did not mess about at all while we were away. I'm still v good friends with the hooliday ex, and never speak to the jealous ex.

Original poster
SoWhatDoYouThink · 11/05/2006 17:43

Her finacee doesnt know they are meeting as her was hurt in the past by an ex who ran of with her ex (did you follow that? Wink) so wouldnt approve.

OP posts:
Blu · 11/05/2006 17:44

aaaah, that sounds really nice. he is lucky to have found you, swdyt.

hello Mr swdyt!

Blu · 11/05/2006 17:47

hmmmmm.
Then, imo, she should make a point of telling her fiancee, so that he can see that she can actually sit across a lunch table and have a conversation without committing adultery. Otherwise she is simply deceiving her fiancee - not great fopr trust, huh?

And, she is meeting your dp secretly, and doesn't know about you? they need to sort themselves out if they are going to continue as proper (rather than improper Grin friends. Otherwise it all seesm a bit fishy.

moondog · 11/05/2006 17:49

Hmmm,it is very fishy business.
Beware!

beckybrastraps · 11/05/2006 17:52

If her fiance is insecure because of past bad experiences, subterfuge is likely to seriously backfire. So, she hasn't told him about the lunch, and you dp hasn't told her about you. Too much secrecy. I think it's unhealthy. Something has got to give!

Original poster
SoWhatDoYouThink · 11/05/2006 17:53

He said he will tell her about me at lunch. I dont know why its so important to me that he does but it just is Blush

OP posts:
NotQuiteCockney · 11/05/2006 17:53

Hmmm, it generally sounds ok. How long ago did they break up?

But I am twitchy about a) her not telling her fiance they're having lunch and b) him not telling her about you.

Still, it's just lunch. And frankly, if he's about to run off with her, better he do it now, when you've only been together 5 months, than a few years down the line ...

PeachyClair · 11/05/2006 17:53

I'd let him go, at some point you have to 'test' things anyhow (NOT in a calculating way). Frankly, in the (it would seem unlikely) event of him being up to no good, better to find out after 5 months than 5 years.

Look on it as a moving forwards thing, a rite of passgae

Blu · 11/05/2006 17:56

I think that it's right that he tells her about you, too, swdyt. I would feel the same about that.

frumpygrumpy · 11/05/2006 17:57

Its really hard but I'd let him go. I'd want my DP to do the same for me if the situation was similar. Its kind of healthy to have friends of the opposite sex. I like to think if its not forbidden its not so desired. Keep a casually watchful eye.

Original poster
SoWhatDoYouThink · 11/05/2006 17:59

They broke up about 18 months ago.

I find it very reassuring that he has been honest with me and that he put me first today (by taking me out instead) It means alot to me.

But there are so many memories there for them both. They didnt break up because they didnt love each other, just because they wanted different things in life (her marriage and him not) He says he feels a deep affection for her and always will but that hes in love with me.

He did say that when he told me on the phone this moring he had to clean the green ooze off his phone (hmmm maybe i came across as jealous?? Blush) but that was because he was going to stand me up for her (but when he realised he did cancel on her)

I dont know, its so hard being a woman!!

OP posts:
frumpygrumpy · 11/05/2006 18:00

I just read the bit about him reading this thread. He also has to remember that it is quite a big thing for you to deal with and consider and voice how he would feel about you doing it. We are ALLLL watching him and we are EVERYWHERE Grin Grin Grin.

beckybrastraps · 11/05/2006 18:02

I don't think he's not to be trusted by the way, just that secret lunches could well be misconstrued by HER fiance, and that could lead to all sorts of fallout. And I don't htink you need to be embarassed about asking hime to tell her about you. Completely natural I would say.

frumpygrumpy · 11/05/2006 18:03

So she knows about you and he was honest...... its ok I think. You also said you had no reason not to trust him......that speaks volumes. If he decides to abuse that, he will lose a wonderful woman.......and we are EVERYWHERE!!!!

Original poster
SoWhatDoYouThink · 11/05/2006 18:06

Grin I think that if im talking about him that its only fair that he sees it. And also that i think i have a better chance of putting across how I feel with typing than umming and confusing us both when we talk iyswim.

Anyhow, it doesnt matter how I feel as he will be doing it anyway! I just have to work on making it ok in my own mind (and not sitting around sulking when I know hes out with her!!)

Logically theres no reason why he shouldnt go out and have lunch with a friend (an ex girlfriend who he has a history with and wears rose tinted glasses when talking about [frown] - opps theres the greeneyed monster again WinkBlush)I trust him and I love him and I know I am lucky to have him in my life. Ive never been as happy as hes made me. I still get butterflies when he phones or txts or when we meet Blush Blush Blush and I know I have to give him the freedom to make choices and I want to let him know that I trust him... so why wont my emotions listen to logic???

OP posts:
frumpygrumpy · 11/05/2006 19:03

Because you love him. He should be concerned if you didn't get a little green. Don't dwell too much on it if you can. Try it and see, then judge how you feel.

I have always told my DP I can handle the truth above everything else. Even if he had something sad/awful/deceitful to tell me I could always handle it if it was straightaway and honest.

And, if one of my exes asked me for lunch, I'd want to go with his blessing albeit that I would have my eyes wide open to be sure a candle was not being held for me (I should be so lucky!!!!).

Good luck to you babe.

moondog · 11/05/2006 19:17

No issue with being friends with exes.
I e mail an old (very loved at the time) boyfriend all the time,mostly to offer(requested) advice on his love life!

My rule of thumb is that neither of us should be writing anything we wouldn't be happy for our respective spouses to see.

suejonez · 11/05/2006 19:45

I stayed friends with one ex who I was very close to. When he got married I had still known him for longer than his (then) fiance. I always admired her for being able to put up with me in his life as we did have a close bond and I was also close to his family. On my side I tried not to abuse her graciousness by sticking to lunch rather than dinner and including her occasionally.

You will always be slightly envious that someone you love shared good times with another in the past. Its the price you pay for not meeting them at 14 and marrying at sixteen!

You can let him meet her graciously AND still feel jealous, he should be man enough to appreciate both of these "gifts" from you.

Original poster
sowhatdoyouthink · 11/05/2006 22:53

Bump

OP posts:
jasper · 11/05/2006 23:31

here here Blu. Couply expectations and limits are something I don't understand. I think it is a sign of weakness in someone to allow their partner not to allow them to do certain things with other women/men that they are perfectly innocent and upfront about.

I TOTALLY undersand the feelings of insecurity but you have to deal with them yourself and not limit the other's behaviour so you feel better.
SWDYT sounds like you have a very lovely dp!
Best wishes

wannaBe1974 · 12/05/2006 07:00

I would definitely let him go, he's been honest and up front about wanting to go - if he didn't want you to know he could have had lunch with her and you'd never have been any the wiser. but I'm wonder if, and maybe I'm being too anallitical here, but I wonder if your insecurities have a different basis...

You say that this couple split because she wanted marriage and kids and he didn't. Did he not want marriage to her? or did he not want marriage at all. If it was the latter, then it's possible you are having insecure thoughts about your own future with this man, that it will come to a stage in the relationship where you want something more permanent and he doesn't, and that him meeting up with an ex brings home the fact that he didn't/perhaps still doesn't want to settle down and have a family.

GamelanCarrier · 12/05/2006 07:26

I absolutely agree with Blu.
If he has told you then there is truly no reason not to let him go other than:

  1. you don't trust him to behave himself - bad reason
  2. you don't want him to have a life awy from you - bad BAD reason

You need to deal with your insecurities and not make them his problem, imo.

If he behaves like a shit and misbehaves - well then you know where you stand.
But by "not letting him go" (and believe me, that phrase makes me cringe inside) you are telling him that you don't trust him and that you are being a bit feeble and controlling. I would hate it if I were him.

Original poster
sowhatdoyouthink · 12/05/2006 10:15

Its not a case of me not letting him go (because I cant tell him what he can or cant do and because hes already said hes going anyway)

I just dont know how to feel comfotable with it.

Its not that I dont trust him - I dont know her, so dont trust her. Ive never met her at all, all I know about her is what Ive been told... how good they were together, how much it hurt when they broke up, how much he loved her...

She doesnt even know I exsist.

OP posts:
Jessajam · 12/05/2006 10:35

If you trust him then it doesn't matter whether you trust her (IYSWIM) becuase if she tries anything then your totally trustworthy dp will expain to her that although he is still fond of her, he is in another relationship now and is very happy with that thank you!
My DH is in a job where he has been known to be approached by random women (often young, nubile non-mummy types in tight tops...grrr)after a bit of him...I trust them about as far as I can see with my eyes closed, but trust him totally to(and have witnessed) politely extricate himself from the situation. (And no he is not a male stripper! Or an escort!)

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