Raise a glass for Twinkie..

[twiglett]

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Honestly, what a hopelessly hypocritical transparent liar he is! He is obviously trying to be all freindly now because he has lost, and knows that contact with DD will depend a lot on your co-operation, and, as others have said, now he no longer has DD as a bargaining ploy, he has to try another tack to keep what he can in the forthcoming divorce settlement. Was there anything in particular in the judgement letter that would explain his sudden new act?

You have been brilliant all along in not using DD as a pawn, and I am sure you will find a way to operate that is in her best interests, and doesn't sink to his level. But I don't think that means you immediately have to pretend to be friends. You could say, about meeting DP, well, I'm sure it will happen in good time, when the moment is right, etc, and keep him at bay with good manners, no more no less. The decision has obviously been a major milestone, but like childbirth, it's only the beginning, really! I daresay there are lots more hurdles on the way.
Don't worry about DD acting up. From her point of view , now that things are settled, she doesn't need to 'please' you anymore, in order to make sure that you want her with you, IYSWIM. I think it's probably natural, and subconscious, and something to CELEBRATE, cos now she feels ABLE to be 'naughty'.

Twinkie, I agree with everyone about x2b and about your dd. She'll be fine and is bound to be unsettled atm and he's an arsehole and always will be. Lots of love to you and your lovely dp too, I don't blame him either for not fancying a heart to heart with psycho man.

No advice, Twinkie, just sending love to you and dd. xxxxx

How's it going now, Twinkie? I'm feeling for you, because I suspect that this period is still going to be quite hard; managing x2b's shenanigans, and still lots of legal and financial stuff to sort out. The lilkelihood is that he will now start all that other crap: arranging to spend the day with DD and then letting her down, and definitely doing what he can to use money as a weapon. So hang on in there, and make a calm, assertive approach to how you would like things to be: yes it's a good idea to go to the school together, but you can meet there rather than at home, etc. And I agree with everyone else about doing the money through the CSA....it's only following his own precedent of insisting that everything is done through third party channels!!!

Blu is right, Twinkie. Your ex is the sort who need to try and control you in some way, up till now he was able to use the contact issue, so now he is trying different tactics.

When my ex lost the contact case all the contact he was granted was 4 letters a year to one dd. He even managed to use that to hurt her. His one chance to write for 3 months and all she got was a cheap multipack Christmas card with the heartfelt inscription, 'Love, Dad.'

He even made sure to post it from Gatwick so that the postmark would tell us he was going on holiday - this when he told the CSA he could not afford child support as he is on benefits.

My dd threw the card in the bin.

It's pathetic, isn't it? I fear your ex will be pretty similar - he has been so far.

Sorry for not posting on here or anywhere else for a few days and sorry for not replying to all of your emails - I will - it is just that I am taking some time off to spend getting DD settled into school and my laptop is sooo slow if I use it during work hours - dialling in to the same network everyone else is using I think!!

Anyway X2b is coming to pick DD up tonight to take her out to dinner - not sure if this is when he wants the big heart to heart - this is when he expects to speak to DP anyway - oh well he won't get much luck with Arsenal being on telly

I am going to just say to him that we can be amicable for DDs sake but I think wanting to be friends is a bit rich and a bit too soon - especially with all that has gone on - I won't be able to forgive him for the last year for quite a while (if ever!!) and I will also mention that it may be hard to be friends considering we have a divorce to go through!! (Hopefully he will get the message from that phrase that I will be takinf him for everything he can get!!).

Anyway thanks for all your help and advice - I agree with you all - he is a tosser and has no choice but to behave like this now the shoe is on the other foot so to speak.

I am going to be polite but distand and not give any more then I have to - I am alos going to write down all DDs school holidays and get his contact sorted from the start and it will be non-changeable so he won't be able to mess me about or hopefully disapoint DD at all.

Anyway - got to get her dressed and off to the hairdressers!!

If you suspect he'll be tricky over money, ask the CSA to collect the money from him and pass it to you, rather than let him send it to you directly. That way, if he is in arrears, the CSA will chase him up and you don't have to. If the money is sent to you, it is much harder to chase up late or missing payments.

Good luck with everything. I don't think you ever have to be 'friends'. Why on earth would you be? You hate the bloke and he did terrible things to you. Hardly a friend in my book! Being civilised over contact/holiday arrangements etc is a very different thing and entirely adequate in your case, I think.

How's Harriet doing at school? It's a big change for them, isn't it.

BTW what are the contact arrangements? Are you happy with them?

Harriet is doing ok at school - they love her and she seems to be making friends. Think they give her a little bit more attentin than the other kids as she started a week later but that's no bad thing and she enthuses about how lovely her teachers are each day.

His contact is every other weekend and half of the school holidays although he did ring and say that he would like it to be a regular thing that he take her out in the week - I let him last night just so he would get to see her this week ( not sure why I did now as he has her for the weekend!!) he said he would like to pick her up from school one night each week so he has enough time to take her back to his - I am sure his mother would love that - I am going to say no as she is only little and having to go to school every day is a big change for her and she gets really tired as well as the fact that it could take him an hour to get back to his in the traffic and then he would only have an hour or so there before having to bring her home - it is all just too much - he said he hates not being able to see her for whole weeks - he never thought of that during the last year though when I did not see her from Sunday evening until Friday morning.

I gave him a list of all of the school holidays last night and he is going to ring me today to say when is best for him - that won't be it though - I am sure we will disagree about something, he sort of thinks he can just pick and choose when in the holidays it suits him to have her and not even give it a thought that I may have things arranged!! I don't at the moment other than the first 2 weeks of the school holidays but I still don't want to give him an easy ride and I don't want us to set in stone what parts of the jolidays each of us have her in case something comes up - I would rather do it nearer the time.

He has asked for the first half term - not sure who s gonna have her though cause he won't be able to get a full 7 weeks off work to cover half the holidays - anyway his reasoning for the first half term was that he 'let' me have her this week when he could have waited until the directions hearing on Monday - he is still being an arsehole!!

Oh well after Monday it will all be written down and he won't be able to go back on anything or try and hold me to anything I don't want to do or bully me anymore - hoorah - I can't wait until I only have to see the creep every other week!!

Not sure what to do about CSA and all that stuff - I may ask him on the phone today to give me an idea about what he would want to pay and see what he says - I am sure he thinks he won't have to pay me anything - if it is not more than 75 a week I will go to the CSA I think - oh well actually think I will just tell him I am contacting the CSA and await his response - if I am right in thinking the payments will be backdated to when I first contact them - I will do it on Monday when I am in work and then await the fireworks when they get in cintact wit him and his employer.

He is paid a basic rate and then comission - will they take the comission into account like a mortgage application -- if so I will be alright, if not I won't get very much at all - I suppose the tax office may tell the CSA his last 6 months take home and then use those - I hope so his basic was a bit crap when we were together and I am sure he will do everything in his power to make sure I get a small amount as possible - GGGRRRR

Will post on this later after talking to himabout his holiday demands - yipee can't wait for the call!!

Hi, Twinkie. I agree that her going home with him one day a week is a loopy idea at the moment - he'll have no idea how knackered they can get, will he? Maybe in the summer term you could think about it. It would make more sense though, if he is so desperate to see her, just to take her out for an hour or two nearby (to the dreaded McDonalds or something) rather than inflict 2 long drives on her.

How are you going to manage in school holidays yourself - can you get enough time off?

Sorry, meant to say I'm glad she is so happy at school - what a good start!

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Stressyhead - my boss is moving to Singapore in April r July depending on when he can get his family over there and I am going to ask for redundancy - that should give me nearly all of the summer off with DD and then I will look for part time work when she starts reception in September - the new me - I have had enough of the train journey everyday and not seeing DD all day - I feel that she actually needs me more now than she did when she was a baby IYKWIM!!

Anyway I will see what x2b has to say about the holiday contact - I can easily sort out my holidays and work from home and DP can get time off if needs be - x2b can't he will have to rpoe in the outlaws and stepmonster and the bastard (that's my father!!)

I will tell him about the times in the week (him nat having her) once everything is signed at the directions hearing on Monday - then he can't, without huge financial lay out go back to court and ask for more contact - anyway the judge was pretty sensible and I am sure he won't grant him a week night when DD is only little.

Its silly I now have the upper hand and am more in control yet I am still terrified everytime the phone rings or he knocks on the door!!

At least he did not make any more noise about his 'chat' with DP - DP was in a grouchy mood because those 'cheating bastards' (Middlesborough) had called off there game with Aresnal last night and he would have probably given x2b a piece of his mind.

Oh well - I am supposed to be making jam tarts and a snow man this mornig and won't get it done sitting on mumsnet lettig DD watch Nick Jnr all morning - she'll go to school and they willask what she has done and it will be revealed to the world that I am a neglectful mother!!!

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ooooh no Stepmonster and Bastard will help him out and not me - I am an orphan now (they don't exist im twinkieworld!!)

We are going to Italy the first 2 weeks of the summer hols - have a wedding to attend - we are at the fighting about where to stay bit - everyone keeps coming up with great villas on the sides of cliffs - er we have a 4 year old and a 2 year old with us!!! They just don't get that I can't even risk being somewhere with a 1000ft drop - no way no matter how much we watch the kids I would come home needing a holiday after that!!

As for your DD to be honest the longer she doesn't walk for the easier life is my DD walked at just before 10 months and she was a nightmare (along with poeple looking at her weirdly cause she was so small) everyone else at baby group sat there and left their child sitting with their toys - mine meanwhile was walking about pulling their hair and smearing food onto cream carpet (stupid bitch she had it fitted the day before she came home from hospital with a severely allergic baby who used to projectile vomit and poo every 5 minutes - the carpet has now been changed for a far easier to clean pattern!!)

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Twinkie, on his holiday weeks is he allowed to dump her wherever he likes? Can't you have some say in where she spends the days if he's at work?

You going part-time is a great idea.

We have light carpet all the way throughthe house and I used to be soo stressed about it - now I just rely on my magic carpet cleaning formula - wshing liquid and a bit of washing powder - it really works.

DD is now pretending to be Mary with her dolly as baby jesusu - FGS - she has only been at schhol a few days and the Catholic message is really getting through to her - oh dear she has just dropped baby jesus - good job she wasn't the real mary - the world would have been a different place with Jesus being a bit of a wally after being dropped on tiles onto his head!!

Trying to decide whether to get her to make these jam tarts or not - pastry is ready and waiting but she seems more interested in watching Dora and being Mary!!

Will be great to meet you next Saturday - DP is going to be in Wolverhampton watching his beloved footie team beat them hopefully so should be clear all day!!

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Cat would have been a dead cat if it were mine - DP loves cats but I just can't cope with things like that - I would have to have the bathroom recarpeted if anything had come to its untimely end in there. I cannot believe you had to clear it up!!!

We have pictures of cats by this indian artist bloke (they are part of DPs investment in art!! (yes he is slightly mad)) they are alright I suppose and at least that means we don't have to have actual cats because I would freak if he even suggested it - we are going to buy a new rabbit soon to replace the paraplegic one who had to be put down before christmas - just got to wait until it is a bit warmer!!

Anyway must get these jam tarts made as will have to actualy get me and DD dressed in a short while and start the walk through the snow to school - hoorah boots and gloves and all wil be coming out of the cupboard!!

Hope you have a nice day and I look forward to meeting you soon. XXX