Raise a glass for Twinkie..

[twiglett]

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Would love a glass of Champers please!!! Just to be socialble of course

Of course that should read "sociable"!! Shouldn't have had that other glass of Champers this morning......

Don't normally drink but.....Jeeezzzz this is a bloody good reason too!

I'll have two if thats ok

I want to party to but got to get back and teach - so here's a quick drink in her honour. Well done Twinkie

Am not meant to be having a drink but as it's to celebrate i'll let myself have one glass.

1 glass over here when you have a minute barlady

I'll have one with you.
Am so thrilled Twinkie got her girl back.
Hoorah for British justice !!!

Just a quick one before I have to pick ds up from Gymnastics.

Cheers to Twinkie, dp and dd, may you all enjoy the family life which you have so patiently waited for. Congratulations

hurray!
i feel very emotional now

Twinkie congratulations
You must be over the moon, now you can finally have the happiness you so very much deserve.
I am so happy for you.

Wow - just seen this - thanks all - I feel really chuffed that someone has started this for me. XXX

Things have been ok this weekend although DD has been testing the water I think with her behaviour, deliberately ignoring me and doing the opposite to what I ask her but I suposse that is completely natural.

X2b is compleyely mad - he is coming to take DD out on Wednesday evening for her tea and would like to have a chat with DP (he said that after seeing him in court he is obviously a decent guy!!) - he has never spoken to him before and had not even seen him until the court case last week - DP has said that he has no intention of speaking to him whatsoever (which has annoyed me a bit but I can see his point of view) - he hates him - not him personally but what he has done to me and DD over the last couple of years and anyway - Arsenal will be on the telly!! What does x2b think we are gonna do - invite him in for a little chat and a cup of coffee - as far as my feelings go I don't want him coming in and soiling my house (just his very presence would do it im my opinion).

I also think he has got the wrong end of the stick with regards to 'us'. On Friday he rang me to say that I may as well keep DD as she needs to start school and waiting until the directions hearing would be a bit silly - fine all well and good but then he said - 'I think we really need to start communicating now and being friends (!!!!)' - I have been trying to be amicable for at least a year and driving god knows how many times a month to pick up DD, allowing him to bully me so I stay the 'white' man in the court's eyes and basically letting my life be completely controlled by him - and now he wants us to be friends!!! - I just don't understand him - does he think I am just going to be able to forget the drinking and the threats and the violence - he is now in the weaker position and so is trying to just be nce but how can I forgive everything he has done??

Sorry I am terribly happy to have DD with me but I just can't understand where he is coming from - he even wants to come and have a coffee with me on Friday and then come with me to DDs school to meet the teachers and pick her up - I don't want that wanker in my house at all let alone for a friendly bloody coffee!!!

I just don't know what to do - I know we wil have to get to the point where we are friends - but that is a long way off - I can't even contemplate it at the moment - and I don't want to get to the stage where I have to ask DP to speak to him and tell him that he is not going to be allowed to come and go when he pleases. - Fuck I thought this would all be over by now and all I find is that I have to deal with disillusional twat deciding that we are to be best buddies when I actually can't stand to be in the same room as him!!

I AM HAPPY THOUGH BELIEVE ME _ HE IS JUST BONKERS!!

Is it ok do you think for me to say to him that DP just doesn't want to speak to him at the moment

Twinkie let him stew in his own shit that he has caused.
He has a cheek wanting to come around for tea and hobnobs after all he has done.
Tell him to sling it IMO.
Congrats again

What do you mean, is it ok? Do you think he would think twice about it if he wanted to say something like that to you?

You owe him nothing - he is a low-life. He should think himself lucky if you even speak to him and answer his calls.

You are wearing the trousers now, girl. So make sure he knows it. And don't be too hard on DP, he's really angry on your behalf and my dh was just the same over my ex. It's because he loves you both and you haven't had the luxury of being able to express your anger. I expect there have been times he would have liked to go over to ex's house and punch his lights out, but he couldn't do a thing. You know how men hate to feel emasculated like that

Your ex should think himself lucky that you are so approachable and fair.

Sounds to me like he is trying to control you again Twinkie, i would ignore him and go through your solicitor, agreeing temporary access arrangements and leave it there. Make your situation crystal clear, just continue to be polite and distant.

He has lost and now is trying to confuse you with this nice behaviour tactic. Don't fall for it.

ANYWAY CONGRATULATIONS AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!

oh forgot to add he is a slimey, low life toe rag!

not like your dp, who sounds lovely

I'd just be very wary of him changing his behaviour like that. it has probably been pointed out to him that an agressive nasty approach is not going to get him anywhere - and would also look bad from a legal point of view.

On the other hand though - and I know this is bloody hard to accept - it will be better for your DD if you and he can be civil to each other.
I don't mean being 'friends' as such, but at least not at each others throats when he collects her etc.

I totally understand your dp's reaction to your ex wanting to talk to him. But I would be curious to know what on earth he wants to ask / tell him.
It could be worth knowing to work out how he is thinking at the moment.

If you have to meet him to discuss dd, you have the right to insist that it is on neutral territory. You do not have to invite him into your home.

You don't have to be friends at all. You can be polite and civil, but after he beat you, threw you out of your home, put you through hell and cost you a fortune, well, I think friendship is quite a bit to ask! Yes, tell him your dp doesn't have anything to say to him and also tell him that you aren't his friend, that you will cooperate with him over arrangements for Harriet, but no more and he is not welcome in your home. My dh will never forgive his ex for the things she said about him and did to him, but they talk rather frostily about their daughter and it works OK. It's not happy families, but my stepdaughter is a lovely, well adjusted girl. Your ex is NUTS and you don't have to dance to his tune any more.

Thanks chaps - that makes me feel so much better - think I will just say to thim that at the moment I think us being friends is a bit optimistic and that we can work at being polite and amicable and then work from there - I will tell himthat DP feels that he doesn't have anything to say to him and if he had wanted to speak to him a year ago that would have been a different matter but considering he has only just decided when DD has been with us every weekend that it would be a good idea to speak to DP then he must be mad (IYKWIM) - surely if he cared about DDs relationship with DP he would have spoken to him before now.

Just got to get through the divorce and battling with the CSA and then we should be ok. Oh is it better to go through the CSA or just ask him for money.

How much should I get from him?? I thought about £50 a week was reasonable - am I living in cloud cuckoo land??

Twinkie, there's a basic rate that is related to his salary - after that it's up to him how generous he will/won't be and what he can/can't afford. You can ask for help with childcare costs etc - isn't she at a childminder's?

I think you should do it as legally as possible, so that he doesn't have a tool to use against you - ie if you don't do this than I won't pay this week. Also this way you have minimal contact and don't have to call to ask where the money is.
We pay my DP's ex £50 per week for his DD, but fortunately we have a very amicable relationship and so the CSA are not involved, it is just a standing order that gets sent across every week.
Am fairly new to MN but have been reading the other threads recently. Hope you don't mind me butting in

Hi, Twinkie - have just read your post and couldn't believe the cheek of the man - next thing he'll be inviting your father and stepmonster to your house with him so you can all be friends!!!

Yes, eventually you will have to be amicable - eg when DD's parents' evening come round it would probably be better if you go together so you know what he's heard (even if he remembers it differently, he can't make anything up if you are actually there) - but he is totally unrealistic to think you can be friends, ever, on his say-so, let alone right away.

I hadn't properly realised that the divorce hasn't happened yet (I know you say x2b but I'd forgotten what it means). That might be part of his change of heart too - thinking he might be able to manipulate those proceedings more his way if you are less adversarial? - after all look what happened this time! So don't give the b@st@rd an inch until absolutely everything is sorted out to your satisfaction. Be polite but very frosty, like aloha's dh.

PS Not surprised DD is being antsy. It'll take her a little while to settle down and be secure and know where her boundaries are now. You'll get there!

hi Twinkie, I am so pleased that you have your DD with you

I would say go through CSA as if decides to be shitty then he won't give you the money for your DD (take it from one who knows).

The standard rate for 1 child is 15% of net earnings, but if he has another child living with him they will allocate 15% of his net earnings for them and then after that you will get 15% of that figure. I think there are other factors too such as your income (don't quote me on that as not 100% sure) but if you get Tax Credits then they do not take your income into account at all (or at least that's what my award letter said).

I like the others have said would basically tell him where to go. Does he honestly think that you can just brush everything he has done to you under the carpet and forget about it?

I'm of the thinking that if I ever laid eyes on my ex again I would be the violent one (not infront of the kids of course) as I am not the weak thing I thought I once was!

Anyway congrats and take care

Twinkie, I don't know what he earns but £50 per week is peanuts if the figure is 15% of net earnings he would have to earn a gross salary of less than £24k to give a figure of £210 month. I would ask for more, plus extras for stuff like school uniform, new shoes etc. I would let the CSA sort it out, it will then mean he can't muck you about in the long term.

Yes, it is 15% of his income. Yours doesn't come into it. You will of course be entitled to more if he's a millionaire, but I guess he's not. Also you will due a share of the house (at least 50%) now. I think it's right that he may now be very worried a/about contact with Harriet and b/about the divorce settlement. Obviously if he'd had Harriet he could have had more money and a bigger share of the house etc.
PS my dh and his ex go to parents evenings, but on different nights! Her choice.