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Original poster

I just can't come to terms with it.....

29 replies

nutcracker · 19/01/2004 21:32

Now I know i'm mad especially given my current housing probs but, I am really really having trouble coming to terms with not having anymore kids. For anyone that doesn't know, I have 3 (2 DD's & 1 DS). I knew when I got pregnant with Ds that it would be my last, bercause I was having my 3rd section, but it didn't really bother me then, i think because I knew at the back of my mind that women have had more than 3 so it's not a complete no no. However I had the additional problem of anti c antibodies when pregnant and after ds was born i was told never to get pregnant again. Even then i didn't really give it much thought and even refused to go to a meeting so the docs could explain WHY.
I really never thought it would bother me that much but god was i wrong. I feel so jelous when I see another pregnant women, and have even started avoiding a couple of pregnant people that I know.
I got really upset about it the other day and dp said "well you've just got to accept it".
I know i'm lucky enough to have 3 beautiful healthy children and should probably stop moaning and get on with my life, but I can't stiop thinking " i'm only 25 and my baby days are over".
What do you think ?? Am I mad ??

OP posts:
lilibet · 19/01/2004 21:35

A friend of mine who had three c/sections has just started fostering. Her youngest is 7 adn she now looks after a gorgeous three eyar old girl, perhaps this si something to think about for a few years time?

CountessDracula · 19/01/2004 21:37

nutty there is a thread on here with someone who is on their 6th c-section, talk to your docs if you want more info as they may change their minds?

Original poster
nutcracker · 19/01/2004 21:38

Have considered that before but dp isn't keen.
I can't believe how upset I keep getting over it. I think if i couldn't physically get pregnant or have baby then it would be easier to come to terms with (you know, if the bits weren't there) but I could get pregnant. I think i'm finally going mad.

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WSM · 19/01/2004 21:39

I think it is fairly natural for a young mother to feel like you do. Your head tells you that it is 'for the best' but your heart is having trouble dealing with it.

Your current economic position coupled with the apparent physical dangers of another pregnancy would suggest to me that you are probably done having babies, but you never know. Perhaps once things have improved and you find that you would both still like another child you could see a specialist who can make the risks as clear as possible to you, and talk you through your options (if indeed another pregnancy is an on option, health-wise).

Don't know what to suggest with regards to coping with these feelings in the interim, though. Apologies if that wasn't v helpful, just had an outpouring of thoughts onto the screen !

WSM
xx

motherinferior · 19/01/2004 21:39

She's called Zipper, I think, the six C-sections woman.

Nutty, why not find out the reasons from your docs?

emmatmg · 19/01/2004 21:48

Oh my god, Nutty you could have been reading my mind. I've had vaginal births for my 3 so a bit different there though.
I feel EXACTLY the same as you, jealous of PG women etc. It's so bad for me that I can't even look at maternity stuff in catalogues as it honestly makes me want to cry. If DH said yes I think I'd be PG again now and DS3 is only 4 months.
I don't think I'll ever stop wanting another baby and like you I find that terribly hard to accept.

Original poster
nutcracker · 19/01/2004 21:51

Just had a quick look through pregnancy topics for the 6 section one but can't find it.
All they said to me was that the antibodie problem would start off at the level it was on when ds was born (which was 5). Some women gave have a level of 20 and it doesn't really affect the baby, but some can have a level of 4 and the baby gets very ill. I didn't have any trouble whilst pregnant, but ds did need treatment for jaundice and anemia afterwards.
As far as the sections go, i've never had any probs, always been mobile the same day and recovered quickly.
Meant to say I am only 25 but dp is 45 tommorow so I couldn't really leave it too long.

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Original poster
nutcracker · 19/01/2004 21:52

emmatmg - Glad to know i'm not the only one. Know exactly what you mean about the baby cats. I used to subscribe to Mother & Baby and Practical Parenting but cancelled my subsriptions after ds was born as it upsets me to read them now.

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Original poster
nutcracker · 19/01/2004 21:59

I found the zipper thread. God I nearly cried. If it wasn't for the overcrowding i'd jump into bed with do now.

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Original poster
nutcracker · 19/01/2004 22:08

That should of said ' with DP' . Sorry, was getting carried away with excitement.

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Mandy03 · 19/01/2004 23:43

Well I must be from another planet. I can't relate to these feelings at all!!!! Does that make me weird?? I'm about 10 yrs older than you nutcracker, but I've only got one child (my dh has two other much-older children from a previous marriage... they don't live with us). I had PND for a long time after my son was born and also had several marriage problems during that time, so the last thing I feel I want is another child. I'm at the opposite end of the spectrum - if I see another pg woman, it fills me with horror because I would hate to be in that position again. I am extremely careful with birth control as I couldn't face the thought of another baby, even though I love my son very much. I just have no further maternal urges whatsoever.

I don't want to throw any negativity on this thread (sorry nutcracker) but I just can't believe how differently I feel about this subject. Makes me wonder if there's something wrong with me

Original poster
nutcracker · 20/01/2004 10:51

Of course there's nothing wrong with you. If you are happy with one then thats fine, just like some people are happy with none or 10. If anything i'm the weird one. I don't have easy pregnancies and at the mo am overcrowded so a baby is the last thing I need. I am not going to have one yet anyway as there are lots of things in my life that need sorting out.

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Carla · 20/01/2004 11:01

emmatmg,

Ignore this if you feel it too intrusive, but what's the reason you can't? I got the impression from one of your posts the other day (when we were talking about exactly the same thing) that you would go on forever?

Twinkie · 20/01/2004 11:06

God - nutcraker & emma I can relate to you - I would so love to be pregnant now and have another baby - it won't happen for a while but I am getting increasingly broody and worried that it won't happen with DP (he not DDs father) - I just read all the problems everyone has conceiving and get so sad - I don't think I would be able to cope with that on top of everything else - sometimes I even think about pulling out my coil and not telling DP (I won't) just so I can have another baby.

Don't accept it - do some research and see if the cap of 3 is definate.

God sorry feel a bit self pitying today.

Carla · 20/01/2004 11:14

I even worry that because they grow up so fast I won't have a 4 and a 5 year old for much longer either. I look at some of the big children in Anna's school and think 'God, I bet that didn't take long'.

Original poster
nutcracker · 20/01/2004 11:14

Well I've decided that I wouldn't let the having to have a c-section put me off, especially after reading Zippys thread (having 6 sections). I do need to speak to someone regarding the antibody problem though. I know that they would advise me not to get pregnant though. Oh I don't know, i need to get my housing probs sorted first anyway so i've got plenty of time to sort it out. I would agree to be steralised next time too as then I think I would find it easier to come to terms with as I then can't get pregnant IYKWIM

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lazyeye · 20/01/2004 11:15

nutcracker - I'm sure everyone has tales like this & every C/S is diff BUT when I was in the hossie having no1 there was an older women in (say 35-38) having her 5th by C/S - her 5th boy - she kept going for a girl. However, she had been told that the newest one was defo defo the last one..........I agree, do some research.

Original poster
nutcracker · 20/01/2004 11:24

Told my mom this morning that i knew people who had had more than 3 sections. Her reaction was not good. Dp's face was also a picture. I told him what i'd found out whilst he was opening his birthday pressie's.
One thing I will say though is that if I have anymore it will have to be a spring/summer baby as having 3 birthdays just before xmas is a nightmare.

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lailag · 20/01/2004 11:26

hang on, I have anti c Ab. Although not sure about the exact levels. dd did need treatment forjaundice ("sunbath".(also induced electively)
I asked the paediatrician regarding further pregnancies (theoretical question; purely out of interest ...) and he said it would not really be a problem (unlike when you have anti Rhesus antibodies).
So would certainly go for a second expert opinion (did a internet search at the time but not much information available)

Original poster
nutcracker · 20/01/2004 11:36

LAILAG - Well thanx for that info. It really annoys me when doctors try to scare you witless. I do know that it can be a problem especially if the levels are high during early pregnancy, because the baby can hamorrage (can't spell) resulting in miscarriage. But I also know that it can be treated too.
I searched the net for it too but couldn't find much out.
At the end of the day know one could know how much of a problem it could be until I was pregnant. My level was at 5 when i had ds and the midwife said that with any future pregnancies it could rise dramatically or could just stay the same.

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lailag · 20/01/2004 11:50

mine was less than 1 at least initially, may have gone up during delivery. As there wasn't much information available on the internet I suspect "they" may not know that much about it either. Anyway, they ought to give you the "risk" of more cs and antibody situation (or at least tell you if it is not known )and then it is up to you to make your own decision

emmatmg · 20/01/2004 12:12

Carla, yes I would go on having babies, god knows how many I could fit in as I'm only 30. One a year until my menopause so about 15 by my way of thinking.
But DH is much more sensible than me and thinks of the logistics of having more, ie money, bigger house, bigger car. He has said that he would also love to have more but he would have to work every hour available and would never get to see the children.
The way I see he knows that I will ALWAYS want another baby so if he ever changes his mind for wins the lottery, he certainly won't have to convince me. I keep my fingers permantly crossed that either will happen one day.

bundle · 20/01/2004 17:36

this has made me so BROODY!
I have 2 dd's - the youngest only 9 months but I feel sad already knowing that I probably won't have any more - I'm nearly 39 and we're pushed right to the limit paying 2 nursery fees (I work 3 days/wk) and live in a 2 bed flat. I know dh thinks that's it, and I'm sure given our space/finance issues he'd be dead against it but it doesn't make me feel any less sad

steppemum · 21/01/2004 16:05

There is a famous american wife who had dozens of c-sections, but I can't remember who, someone like Jackie Kennedy, or Mrs Abraham Lincoln. Actually I don't even know if it was a First Lady, but I remember reading that she had about 6 and the doctors kept telling her no more, and she just kept going without problems.

Wish I could remember who it was though!

mears · 22/01/2004 00:48

Nutcracker - I remember my consultant telling me that women should never be TOLD they cannot have another baby. My GP had told me after a miscarriage that perhaps that was a message to say I shouldn't have any more babies. I have Rhesus antibodies (anti-D) that developed during my second pregnancy. I had a third boy then had the miscarriage. My third son was induced prematurely and needed ventilated. He also needed a blood transfusion at 6 weeks because the antibodies cause anaemia. I then went on to have a fourth baby who needed 3 exchange blood tranfusions after delivery. I decided to get sterilised because the outcome of pregnancies could only get worse - however that was MY decision, not a doctors.
You haven't come to terms with it because it is not your own decision. You have not been given good advice. Perhaps knowing you can if you want to but choosing not to at the moment would help IYKWIM?