Autism...?

[Hawkmoon269]

It's very important that I start by saying that I'm not trying to upset anyone or cause any offence. Please don't read anything into my question that's not there!

But aibu to not understand why so many people on mn seem to have children who are autistic or on the autistic spectrum?

I have 2 (young) children. One is at a large state primary school. Neither have any friends or classmates who are autistic. None of our family friends are. None of my dc's friend's siblings are. We go to lots of groups (all inclusive things ) and no autistic children (or siblings that I know of). In my student days I nannied for a boy with aspergers. That's it - my sum total of people I know/ have met with children affected.

I've met lots of children with other sn, but it feels like on mn every other poster has a child on the autistic spectrum.

As I understand it, the definition isn't too clear with very high functioning autism (ie people "on the scale" but only just. That was my understanding from about 10 years ago - I'm sure research has moved on since then!

Anyway, not trying to be controversial - just genuinely curious. What do you think?

Where did I say this was a hate thread

Hawkmoon269, thank you for starting this thread. I have found it very interesting to read. I am gobsmacked at how rude some posters have been to you specially Worrywart. TotAlly uncalled for. There are children with aspergers and autism at school with my children, and I think it has made my children quite tolerant and aware of their difficulties. I hope that saying that hasn't offended anyone. My ds has just finished yr8 and is quite shy and introverted at school and has become friend's with a boy with hfa. Sometimes my ds has been worried about his friend doing stuff that the other boys are telling him to do in order to fit in when actually they are laughing at him. I hope that I helped with this by passing it on to a friend of mine who happens to work in the tutor group.

No, Hawkmoon, I don't think that Starlight is calling this thread a hate thread. There have been dozens of other, more offensive threads posted here, and when members of the sn boards have reported them and complained, MN Towers tends to say that they should stay as a valuable educational resource.
Which pisses off a lot of posters whose children are the meat in the discussion, and sometimes leads to an assertive and proactive response to other subsequent questions and threads.

Hawksmoon

Can I just ask you to do one thing

Can you re-read the thread and recognise that the vast majority of parents on here, with dc with SN, have answered you with reasonable responses. Your op has a few points that made some of us a bit wary, and made others defensive. But as the thread progressed there have been helpful and interesting posts.

Can you try not to talk about 'never mentioning sn again' as if everyone who has a child with sn forms into some kind of swathe of hostile people.

If I post about my dcs private school I will get a whole range of posts including some that are incredibly aggressive and rude. I would never post 'i am never going to try and discuss anything with state school parents anymore'. Because this is just a bunch of individual people posting from their point of view and from where they are in their life at the moment.

The early years with a child with SN is deeply challenging and the world is hostile. You may have only experience a choked who rarely gets unkind comments. My life includes people shouting 'get that fucking retard out of the way' as I put ds on the bus in the morning.

People will be defensive. But we each cope differently.

I hope that doesn't sound hectoring. I am just kind of trying to explain why this type of conversation - especially one you chose to start in aibu - makes some parents defensive.

Btw I am not going back to change it but my private vs state was a really shit example. Some of those fuckers would rip your heart out and stamp on it

fallen I know what to do in the future. Not mention autism! Ever! There are plenty of places I can go to for information where I can speak to people who won't jump down my throat for asking questions.

Can I turn your question round? Do you think that parents of children with sn could try to see questions at face value and not read "hate" into innocent questions.

As I've said, I don't have children with sn. My sister does. 2 boys, one has now died. I'm thankful that she's not watching for "hatred" when speaking to people about her boys. She assumes the best of people. Sometimes they disappoint but rarely. Her beautiful boys had/have their Mother's positive, inclusive and friendly attitude. Their lives are/were the better for it.

See how easy it is to become paranoid when you think people are having a go at you Hawkmoon?
Now imagine living like that every time you go out of the house with your child for years and years. Easy to get stressed at any imagined slight.

'Can I turn your question round? Do you think that parents of children with sn could try to see questions at face value and not read "hate" into innocent questions.'

I do, but I can only respond as an individual.

Spectacular x-post there.

I agree with Fallen. I can only post for myself.

'There are plenty of places I can go to for information where I can speak to people who won't jump down my throat for asking questions.'

You wanted to know why so many parents on MN have children who are on the spectrum. Where will you go to get that question answered?
You weren't asking for general information on autism.

pag I have several times thanked the majority of posters.

It really is interesting and useful to get a small insight into the lives of families with autism.

I'm sorry if I sound defensive and upset.

Yes, but... My question led to people sharing their experiences. That was great - I've learnt some new things.

But having a child with sn, while it might make you prone to being over sensitive doesn't give you carte blanche to be rude and personally attack people.

An I being over sensitive? Perhaps.

I know you have Hawksmoon. I am not asking for recognition or an apology. I am just asking you to recognise that a question like 'do you think the parents of children with sn...' is a daft think to say.

We have common problems and an empathy born of shared experience. But we are not a unit who all feel and speak with one voice.

pag I'm sorry that anyone would say anything like that to you or any child. I've heard similar things being said. Sickening.

I think the other thing that factors in here is that 'where have all these kids with asd come from....they didn't have any of that in my day.....they are trying to get their son assessed but I just think he needs discipline...' are common weighted statement used on here as an intro into heavily critical and offensive threads from fucking unpleasant posters.

Your question, innocent as it probably was, looked like an opening salvo for one of those threads.

Incidentally pag I have had a similar experience but it was a racist term that was used about a child I was with. I was so angry that I found out the school that the child who had shouted the abuse came from and made a formal complaint. The head took it very seriously and the child (teenager) who had shouted was outed by his classmates.

I do understand how furious and powerless that kind of hatred can make you feel. And yes, I'm sure I'd feel much angrier if it was MY child being called names/ abused.

Yes pag I take your point. But I didn't say any of those things and don't think that either.

What fallen said really sums it up

hawk apologies.

' And yes, I'm sure I'd feel much angrier if it was MY child being called names/ abused.'

You would also perhaps be aware of possible attacks before they were made, or read situations defensively rather than waiting to see how they developed.
You have a baby? Still too small to do much interacting with the world without you there? You have huge ambitions for him, and expectations of how his life will be, and his friends and his future.
We all did, and do still for all of our children. Some of us have had to adapt our dreams rather harshly. Some of us will not let others' attitudes restrict our children's opportunities. But that means that sometimes the defences go up at a perceived threat that isn't meant as such.

fallen point taken. But I see my sister cope differently. My nephew has been called all sorts of names. Spaz being veeeery common sadly. When my nephew with downs died, several well-meaning people said it was probably "for the best" etc. All very upsetting. BUT she still assumes the best from people. These comments are in the minority by far. And often comments are not unkindly meant (even though they're deeply offensive).

Hawkmoon

I know you didn't. I said you didn't. I am just explaining why your op could be mistaken for one of those threads.

You seem to keep wanting to bat back 'yes but I said x, I didn't say y'. I am not excusing the responses you got. I am just trying to explain why threads about sn are often difficult.

pag I do understand (or am beginning to)

Ahhhhh, my work here is done. Sunshine beckons....

This is a load of patronising crap tbh.

The OPening post was doubtful.

Hawkmoon your reply to worrywort was horrible and showed your true colours IMO (I know the thread moved on from that but I thought it was disgustingly spiteful)

this is another chance to educate someone about special needs, which some posters have taken instead as a chance to massively take offence at imagined slights

Oh for gods sake. Not that old chestnut educate someone.

Seriously GOOGLE it! Learn that way without causing offence to people who could really do without it.

Oh do forgive me

My feelings should have disappeared after your posts.