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Original poster

DH is having an affair

44 replies

NadC · 08/12/2003 15:39

Hi I'm new to this but need to talk. My DH had an affair and left home for 5 weeks (to live with his new flame). He begged me to let him back and he's been back just over a week now. I've just had his flame on the phone saying that he's in love with her and that he told her he's only here because I'm blackmailing him with access to our DD (not true)! He says she's lying and wants to split us up - but i don't know what to do? Really do still love him!!! :-(

OP posts:
codswallop · 08/12/2003 15:43

I would refuse to speak to her about your marriage

salt · 08/12/2003 15:45

Hate to say this but she could be telling the truth... he could be telling her that... Although I certainly wouldn't trust her motives.

I hope you do manage to sort things out though.

Original poster
NadC · 08/12/2003 15:47

I agree - but I had to hear what she said. She claims that he went to visit her Wed/Thu and they had sex. I don't know what to believe anymore! DH was a real gem at the w/e and denies speaking to her - but he lied to me before! Too many coincidences

OP posts:
Twinkie · 08/12/2003 15:49

Message withdrawn

Original poster
NadC · 08/12/2003 15:52

I have his mobile - he gave it to me when he moved back in. She claims he phoned from his sisters. She now has our home number but again, he claims she got it when he was staying with her. Very very confused! He says he loves me and that she's just trying her best to split us up! Her kids have been leaving messages on my ansaphone and her friends have been phoning. She gave me a time when they were supposed to have sex and he should have been at home then - i was working....

OP posts:
valleygirl · 08/12/2003 16:01

It may be rash - but think about changing your home number if she/they are harrassing you - if she somehow gets the new number and continues to call then I would say it's bad news. If you can afford it get a private investaigator to follow him for a day when you are work and he's "supposed" to be at home. Or next time she calls can't you make HIM be the one to tell her to leave you all alone and accept that it's finished once and for all. THEN change numbers?

She may just being a vindictive and desperate bitch who can't accept rejection (sounds very much like it), on the other hand, like you said, he's lied before, and it's not that much of a stretch of the imagnation to imagine he wants best of both worlds.

handlemecarefully · 08/12/2003 16:03

NadC,

I don't know what to advise - this sounds totally throughly miserable....

So sorry you are going through this

aloha · 08/12/2003 16:05

Agree, if it's over, ask him to tell her over the phone when you are there. Change your home number and do not speak to her any more. She's not your friend and nothing she tells you will be for your benefit. Of course she's trying to split you up! He may be seeing her behind your back, but do you think he is? Where does he say he was on those days?

Janstar · 08/12/2003 16:39

I can't believe how mean some people are. It's bad enough that she has had an affair with a married man, but to plague his poor wife with calls and give the number out to her friends...and what is she doing involving her kids? She sounds just awful, and hopefully your dh is seeing her for what she is.

For your own peace of mind you have to put a stop to this invasion of your privacy. I just can't understand such people, most people would be feeling ashamed that they had caused problems in a marriage, not making the innocent party's life even more of a misery.

What a scumbag.

Twinkie · 08/12/2003 16:41

Message withdrawn

Dixie · 09/12/2003 00:30

Just want to add my thoughts are with you...affairs are horid things to deal with, you have taken a brave step taking him back & sometimes it can work out. It is had enough re-building trust without this extra burden of the old flame harrassing you. You know your husband better than anyone & as you say he has lied in the past & it will take considerable time for him to regain your trust. I agree with the idea of getting him to talk to her in front of you next time she calls....or in fact just make him ring her when she's least expecting it (either of them) If he is as sorry as he says he is & that there is nothing in her accusations he should not have any qualms about going through with this request...his loyalty has to lay with you not her & it is a step in the right direction for him to re-gain your trust.

Hope it all works out x

Ps She says he rang from his sisters???? How is your relationship with the sister, obviously you don't want her to know all your business but could you not enquire with the sister if he was actually there?

doormat · 09/12/2003 08:43

NadC I agree with everyone here and all there points, just to summarise all their points

  1. change phone number
  2. ask him to tell her in front of you to tell her the affair is over
  3. get in touch with his sister and ask her what happened, whether you get on or not 4.She is a lowlife SCUMBAG
  4. You do not deserve to be treated like this.

This woman is playing MINDGAMES with you and IMO your dh is just letting it carry on. He (if he means what he says) should be putting this floozy in her bloody place.
Could he be buttering both sides of his bread here?
IMO all I can see that this situation cannot carry on and a confrontation is needed from you to him and her.
I just hope it works in your favour.
Hugs and take care
xxx

M2T · 09/12/2003 08:51

NadC - When my Dads affair came to light when I was 15 my Mum, my big sister and I stood over the phone while phoned her and told her it was over. We could hear her screaming "NO NO NO"... it was one of thee most satisfying times of my life (obviously I wish it had never been necessary!). My Dad squirmed like a child.
I think you should do that, ask your H to phone her while you are there. At least you will be able to guage how sincere he is and her reaction.

Good luck. I agree that your H doesn't seem to be actively trying to prevent this woman interfering. If it truly is over then he has to make sure that you don't suffer anymore than you have already.

Definitely change your number too, she may be a bit of a weirdo.

Also, I think you are extremely brave to take him back. I really hope he is worth it!

crystaltips · 09/12/2003 09:06

NadC - so sorry for you.
You can ask BT to block certain phone numbers. The caller hears a message alonng the lines of "The person at the number does not wish to receive your call - please hang up"

I agree with M2T - get him to call her - with you there.
Good Luck

Original poster
NadC · 09/12/2003 10:09

Thank you to everyone - but last night when i confronted him it all came out in the wash! He was back seeing her within 2 days of moving back in with me. I've also found out that he's been sleeping around for the last 3 years - some of which were with underage girls.

I've thrown him out for good - got a joiner coming to change the locks.

He makes my skin crawl - my H is a nonce!

OP posts:
Blu · 09/12/2003 10:09

NadC: he may well be taking a bit of a cowardly line with her, in telling her it's pressure from you in order to extracate himself, but she must be pretty desperate to be taking such a tack as to be phoning you etc etc, so that means she IS feeling that your DH is leaving her by the wayside. I wonder if you could try to tell him what she is doing without codemning her yourself: that might make him feel defensive, but allow HIM to come to the conclusion that she must be truly horrible to phone you like that. The advice below sounds good...and I think you are being very brave in the most horrible of situations. Very much sympathy, and good luck.

dsw · 09/12/2003 10:12

NadC - Sorry that it ended up badly for you,but well done for confronting him and finding out the truth. Be brave and stand your ground - he has been absolutley awful to you - and you deserve better!! Big Hugs xxx

Blu · 09/12/2003 10:12

Oh NadC, so sorry, cross postings.

So, so sorry to hear that. Well, at least now you know, and will not have to live the indignity of living betrayed. You are clearly brave, and dignified. MUCH better to be you than either HER or him.

Go Girrrrl, and be a fab Mum to your DD. You will get LOTS of support on this site.

Big Big hugs.

M2T · 09/12/2003 10:15

NadC - OH MAGOD! How did you find THAT out??? Surely he didn't just come out and tell you he'd been sleeping with underage girls???

Well done. You've made the first step to getting your life on track. How sad and pathetic he must be!

How long have you known him?

Original poster
NadC · 09/12/2003 10:16

Again a big thanks - I don't know how I'll get through this. I feel so stupid and disgusting. To know what he's done and what type of person he is is just horrifying.

Thanks again - and I'll keep in touch

OP posts:
motherinferior · 09/12/2003 10:25

Please don't feel stupid or disgusting, honey. HE is like that. Oh, I'm so sorry. I really am. The creep.

Original poster
NadC · 09/12/2003 15:21

Hi MT2, He didn't quite come out about it straight away - but he thought that if he confessed to EVERYTHING he'd get another chance! I guess that's cos he knew I knew!!

He was cheating on me all through my pregnancy and after my DD's birth right up to now. When I asked him for names, I know some of the girls and know that they are under 16 (or at least were at the time.)

Seriously think he has multiple personalitites now when I think back over our marriage. Can see the signs now - the overtime, union meetings after work - visits to his sisters/his mums that never happened!

Only wish I hadn't been so stoopid. However, I've reported my car - the one he's driving as stolen and I've contacted the child support agency today - determined to ruin him for what he's put me through.....

OP posts:
M2T · 09/12/2003 15:26

NadC - What a weirdo!! And a fool if he thinks that you knowing all that would mean you would give him another chance. He quite clearly needs help!

Careful about involving the police. If he hasn't in fact stolen your car it could back fire on you! How old was he when he was sleeping with these young girls?

Having affairs whilst you were pregnant! Thats the lowest of the low!

Janstar · 09/12/2003 15:28

Thank goodness you have the confidence to get rid of him now. How old is your dd?

Twinkie · 09/12/2003 16:18

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