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WTF do men think that women are pieces of meat rant rant rant - very long sorry

137 replies

Bloodymen · 18/02/2006 18:51

My dh is an arse

Why cant he appreciate that I dont want to be touched, groped, pawed at and bloody leave me alone.

Its not funny - I hate it. He thinks a game but when does 'messing around' go too far?

For example, tonight I was lying in bed as I feel crap. He comes up stairs and demands sex. I say no. He comments that maybe he should find someone else more obliging. Hes only joking so I laugh. Then we are messing about with him holding my wrists and just playing fighting.

Then he hurts my wrists, and is squshing me so I try to get away, but he is too heavy. Then he puts his hands up my top and i tell him to stop but seeing as I cant move, he doesnt. He thinks we are playing, but im not anymore. He pulls my top over my face and so i cant see or move. I scratch him and he tells me that if i dont stop then he will hurt me and scratches me back. I hate having my top over my face (painful memories associated with it iyswim - he probably doesnt remember, but I do)

He bites me on the nipple and it hurts. He still seems to think we are playing. I honestly cant free my hands and my top is getting in my mouth and I cant see. I think he realises that ive had enough as he lets go of my wrists alittle. I instinctivly reach out and scratch his face He stomps off saying that I am frigid and that because we havent had sex for a week there is something wrong with me. My wrists are bruised. But he was only playing. It just brings back memories that I would rather forget.

I asked him a few minutes later if he would go to the shop and he says he would only go in exchange for oral sex. I tell him to piss off. I do not want sex, I am not in the mood FFS why is that so hard to understand?

He is wondering round now like we were just playing but I hated it. I tell him and he will say that I was playing too. But i wasnt and its getting increasingly often that this sort of thing is happening. Like last night, when i said i didnt want sex, he told me just to roll over and he will cuddle me and so of course i did and he pulled my Pjs down and tryed to do it anyway. I had to ask him 4 times to stop. He doesnt seem to think that he is doing anything wrong but being treated like a piece of meat is getting me down and making me alot less likely to want sex with him. And also, his hair is all greasy and he needs to shave and the feeling of it on my skin makes me cringe.

I have often posted about how good our relationship is but this aspect of it is making em feel worthless. I am sorry about the name change but there are people in RL aswel as my DH who read MN.

He is great with the kids, does his share of the housework etc and we normally get on fine. How can I make him understand that I cant be treated like this. I know that lack of sex gets to him and makes him moody but thats something that he will have to deal with himself.

OP posts:
drosophila · 18/02/2006 20:21

Does anyone think couples councelling is worth a try?

WideWebWitch · 18/02/2006 20:22

Well if he's abusive (which he IS) then damn right he would feel threatened by your becoming independent and getting through it. Please don't tolerate this, it's awful.

expatinscotland · 18/02/2006 20:22

Could be, bloody, that's why he seeks to dominate and control you in this way. And it's NOT acceptable. Ever.

Bloodymen · 18/02/2006 20:25

I wont put up with it. I promised myself that I would never ever go through anything like that again and although the first posts from me on this thread seem a bit defeatist, it was just because I was shaken. But I have pulled myself together and when dh has had time to think for a while then i will tell him that its not on and he had better get his arse into gear.

Honestly. I will not put up with this from him and those who know me, know that.

OP posts:
foxinsocks · 18/02/2006 20:26

there's no excuse for his behaviour and don't blame yourself (I still think you need to get out or at least involve someone else).

if he is feeling threatened by you, I doubt that is going to change overnight

he is obviously feeling inadequate aswell - is it because of your money problems? Does he have any friends?

fob · 18/02/2006 20:28

i'm sorry to sound so forceful on this as i'm so new to the mn world, but this man is a bully and he's using all the tricks in the book to keep you under his control. this is about power and it could get nasty. please use some of the advice that has been put on this thread and consult a third party. you have to for you and your kids sake. he quite clearly has issues to deal with himself.

sickandtired · 18/02/2006 20:56

did he know about the rape when you got together? Perhaps he felt good in the role "rescuer" suited him - now you are moving past that he feels the need to make you remember feeling helpless?

just to let you know, my dp, when he wants sex, does the "i just want to cuddle thing" which alway leads to PJ's being pulled down until sex happens - and while before I don;t want it, I always get in to it and end up enjoying it, only a couple of times have I said NO and really meant it - and its been respected.

When I had DS2 (nearly two years ago) my sex drive died - and hasn't return since - so if he never cajooled - he'd never get it.

not saying this is what your other half is doing, but perhap if you stopped laughing during the plsy fights, and put up clear boundaries - he would get the message more?

sickandtired · 18/02/2006 20:57

read that back - sounded like I was making excuses for him - I'm not - what he is doing is very wrong, and you are NOT to blame

Bloodymen · 18/02/2006 21:01

We were together when the rape happened. If anything he felt that he had let me down by being late home from work.

I think the persisent trying to get sex til i give in is a good point.

OP posts:
emnatmum · 18/02/2006 21:12

bumb

emnatmum · 18/02/2006 21:16

sorry about that 1st time ive changed name .

im really sorry to read this thread but in another im really pleased (sorry) but i have exactly same problem except i say no roll over for cuddle he takes pjs down and goes for it anyway!!! infact ive woken up before and he has been at it with me. and once all be it a year or so ago i said no and he woke during nite and w**d over me whilst i was asleep i woke when too late and caught him wiping it off men they wonder why we are not in the mood , maybe if they tried to treat us with a bit of respect they might get what they want and more. as for oral my dh asks all the time i dont mind doing it although i have never had an o from oral myself but the more he asks for it i think ffs i will and i will bite it off

sickandtired · 18/02/2006 21:18

another perhaps inapropriate thing to say is that prhaps he is try ing to make you feel "his" again?

sickandtired · 18/02/2006 21:19

emnatmum - been there - done that

emnatmum · 18/02/2006 21:26

BM,

When you said dh has not been interested in you and only pictures and mags, did you mean porn ?

emnatmum · 18/02/2006 21:30

my dh has been obsessed with porn over years and has watched alot, i think thats why he has no respect for me he sees all women like porn stars who are obviously gagging for it 24/7. if i try and cuddle him he see that as im wanting sex, actually i wouldnt mind if never had again tbh.Just remember earlier this week we had sex when i wasnt really up for it but i gave in to him but within 2 hours wanted again, i said no but he pulled pjs down and did anyway i didnt respond didnt talk cuddle him nothing and he still wondered why i was pissed off with him.

Branster · 18/02/2006 21:40

emnatmum honey, this is not normal. the reality of it is that you are being raped all the time has it always been like this? is there anything you can do to make things better for yourself???? Please don't put up with his behaviour anymore, you are a woman, a human beeing not a sex toy.

Bloodymen , are you feeling OK hon? The situation is totally wrong here. You do not deserve thsi kind of treatment. You must distance yourself physically from DH and make him see for the woman you are. He has no justafication for treating you like this and hurting you. This is full on abuse and just look at how much you are hurting emotionally right now.

I wish I had something more constructive to say but I am not familiar with this sort of things. None of the men I've ever know have done anything remotely as bad as this and am so angry some men behave like this. I've read this thread in utter amazement and am so angry on both of your behalves.

It has to stop.

Bloodymen · 18/02/2006 21:56

Yes, I did mean porn.

He is being as nice as anything to me atm. He has taken the quilt downstairs and wants to curl up and watch a film. Am I totally losing it or what???

emnatmum your situation sounds very similar to mine. I do the whole lying still and pretending to be asleep thing too.

In someways you get used to it and it becomes 'normal' although it never really is. The longer it goes on the more unreasonable you feel for saying "erm hang on a minute..."

I will not allow myself to feel like this though and will do something constructive to get it sorted. I am alot stronger than I used to be and I think it scares him.

In response to the comment about him wanting to make me feel like his again, I can only say that I am not a possession and i belong to no-one.

OP posts:
mcmum · 18/02/2006 21:57

some men are total bastards and deserve to have nads chopped off ! dont put up with this bloodymen, i would seek help from third party what about relate ? my dh has v v v v v v high sex drive and takes major huff if i say no but that tough

LoveMyGirls · 18/02/2006 21:58

emnatmum- im not sure why rather than let him carry on you didnt just get up and walk away? im very innocent to all this so sorry if i dont seem understanding (though i feel very sad and angry) if you're not in the same room then he cant do it. though tbh if it were me id tell him to f off for being a rapist and id report the sick perv!

BM he needs to understand what you went through try counselling hun.

emnatmum · 18/02/2006 22:01

he makes me out to be bad wife if i say no and he makes me feel guilty, we have been to counselling for this and counsellor told me to let him see when i cry to sleep as i often hide it,

starshaker · 18/02/2006 22:05

i understand how you feel and my dp tries till i give in but thats because in the start i was "up for it" all the time. i was also raped when i was 18 and in the start of the relationship i just kinda gave it away so i wouldnt be forced. then as i got to know him i felt confident to say no and for him to accept it. now we have sex only when i feel like it (which has been getting better yay) and not when he wants it which would be all the time.

what he is doing is abuse and if my dp did that he would never have the ability to father children again. you should never be in the position where sex scares you ESPECIALLY by ur dh

Bloodymen · 18/02/2006 22:07

emnatmum,

No one should have to put up with this. It is effectivily rape and you are worth so much more.

Rape is about power and control. He is asserting his control over you like this and in doing so is making you feel worthless and destroying your confidence and self esteem. It has to stop.

It is difficult because he is your partner and because it has become 'normal' for you. Instead of lying still and ignoring it next time, shout loudly. Shout at him to stop. Shout that it is rape. If it wakes the kids up then good, cause him as much distraction as possible (thats is if he is no danger to the children and would stop if they were to see) Maybe the shock of you reacting would force him to take a look at his behaviour.

OP posts:
LoveMyGirls · 18/02/2006 22:08

what a shit counsellor!! did he not say leave him? hes making you feel worthless, hes making you cry ffs?! i just feel so bad for you i cant believe he has the cheek to make you feel bad. why on earth are you with him?

sorry im just so shocked by this. i think this is worse than the abuse i suffered with my ex and he was mentally and physically abusive but he would not have raped me.

Branster · 18/02/2006 22:08

what makes him then when he forces himself on you? a brilliant husband?! why would you need to be a good wife for someone who abuses you and makes you feel so low about your own standards? do you see how wrong all this is? and you are allowing yourself to be part of it, you do not need it. please seek help and bring a stop to all the trauma then you won't need to cry anymore emnatmum. walk away from him when he's putting pressure on you. you are rejecting his awful and disgusting manners and so you should. and all this about him taking advantage of you whilst you are asleep, oh . as your husband he should ensure you're sleeping peacefully and look after you and be your guardian, not objectify you like this.

foxinsocks · 18/02/2006 22:08

you're not losing it bloodymen, he's trying to manipulate you - I'm glad you're going to do something. Please please do.

emnat - it's emotional blackmail. If he has not changed after counselling, are you not tempted to leave him?

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