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WTF do men think that women are pieces of meat rant rant rant - very long sorry

137 replies

Bloodymen · 18/02/2006 18:51

My dh is an arse

Why cant he appreciate that I dont want to be touched, groped, pawed at and bloody leave me alone.

Its not funny - I hate it. He thinks a game but when does 'messing around' go too far?

For example, tonight I was lying in bed as I feel crap. He comes up stairs and demands sex. I say no. He comments that maybe he should find someone else more obliging. Hes only joking so I laugh. Then we are messing about with him holding my wrists and just playing fighting.

Then he hurts my wrists, and is squshing me so I try to get away, but he is too heavy. Then he puts his hands up my top and i tell him to stop but seeing as I cant move, he doesnt. He thinks we are playing, but im not anymore. He pulls my top over my face and so i cant see or move. I scratch him and he tells me that if i dont stop then he will hurt me and scratches me back. I hate having my top over my face (painful memories associated with it iyswim - he probably doesnt remember, but I do)

He bites me on the nipple and it hurts. He still seems to think we are playing. I honestly cant free my hands and my top is getting in my mouth and I cant see. I think he realises that ive had enough as he lets go of my wrists alittle. I instinctivly reach out and scratch his face He stomps off saying that I am frigid and that because we havent had sex for a week there is something wrong with me. My wrists are bruised. But he was only playing. It just brings back memories that I would rather forget.

I asked him a few minutes later if he would go to the shop and he says he would only go in exchange for oral sex. I tell him to piss off. I do not want sex, I am not in the mood FFS why is that so hard to understand?

He is wondering round now like we were just playing but I hated it. I tell him and he will say that I was playing too. But i wasnt and its getting increasingly often that this sort of thing is happening. Like last night, when i said i didnt want sex, he told me just to roll over and he will cuddle me and so of course i did and he pulled my Pjs down and tryed to do it anyway. I had to ask him 4 times to stop. He doesnt seem to think that he is doing anything wrong but being treated like a piece of meat is getting me down and making me alot less likely to want sex with him. And also, his hair is all greasy and he needs to shave and the feeling of it on my skin makes me cringe.

I have often posted about how good our relationship is but this aspect of it is making em feel worthless. I am sorry about the name change but there are people in RL aswel as my DH who read MN.

He is great with the kids, does his share of the housework etc and we normally get on fine. How can I make him understand that I cant be treated like this. I know that lack of sex gets to him and makes him moody but thats something that he will have to deal with himself.

OP posts:
foxinsocks · 18/02/2006 19:48

Has he always been like this?

Bloodymen · 18/02/2006 19:52

Tribpot - He wouldnt have known that that had happened before as he left the court room half way through my evidence iyswim.

I too think my relationship is fixable but Im struggling with how. I cant and wont ever let myself be forced into having sex anyone ever again, whether pysically or just in my mind and Im not sure you can have a relationship with out sex. And why would I want to sleep with a man that doesnt respect me...

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fob · 18/02/2006 19:52

please follow foxinsocks advice.

foxinsocks · 18/02/2006 19:53

It sounds like you are not at the stage where you want to leave him or give up on the relationship

In that case, could you go for counselling yourself (perhaps call that helpline, they may have some ideas)?

Could you convince him to go for counselling with you?

I think if he is not listening to you when you tell him it reminds you of being raped, then it sounds like he's not listening or hearing anything you say to him at all re sex or your feelings and you need a 3rd party involved.

Bloodymen · 18/02/2006 19:54

Nope, he used to be a gentle, caring, considering, lving man who has always treated me like a princess. Until after we had our DS2. We had problems after that and it hasnt been the same since. We had a really rough patch in the summer but got over it and then things were great and then they started going down hill again - i cant keep up!

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tribpot · 18/02/2006 19:56

And you never talked to him about the rape? Even so, he knows that you've been violently assaulted and thus are not likely to be into 'games of force', surely now you're going to tell him what his performance reminded you of?

Only you can decide if your relationship is fixable, but it does very much seem like some counselling is in order to help rebalance the power if nothing else.

foxinsocks · 18/02/2006 19:57

I do feel dreadfully sorry for you but it also chills me to the heart to think what his next move might be

Has he had any mental problems (depression, excessive anger) because from your post, it sounds like this is a complete personality change for him?

Bloodymen · 18/02/2006 19:59

He has been a bit strange recently. Usually he likes sex once or twice a day but over the last couple of weeks went completely off me and focused more on magazines and pictures. Then last night he decided he was intrested again and that happened.

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foxinsocks · 18/02/2006 20:03

So he's started getting into porn?

He's not taking drugs or anything like that is he?

Bloodymen · 18/02/2006 20:04

No he deffo isnt taking drugs - he doesnt even smoke. He is stressed about money though, in that we are totally broke!

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expatinscotland · 18/02/2006 20:04

try lying back and thinking of england. act like the piece of meat he seems to think he wants. it might satisfy him for a short while, but not long. soon he will want his willing wife back.

Are you for real?! !

NO ONE should feel they HAVE to have sex when they don't want it. Ever.

NO means NO. End of.

Anything else is rape.

WideWebWitch · 18/02/2006 20:07

I agree with foxinsocks and just wanted to add my voice to those who say it's not normal and it most definitely is abusive. Poor you and apologies because I'm always posting this link but you could try talking to women's aid

jowen · 18/02/2006 20:07

Is he, in a clumsy, selfish and insensitive way, tryng to spice up your sex life? It seems that he has spent two weeks looking at porn to get a few (guarenteed bad!) ideas, then decided that because the women in these mags and films love to be treated like shit, that it would turn you on?

Marina · 18/02/2006 20:09

No advice but just wanted to say whoever you are "usually" this is such a sad and upsetting series of postings. I hope the brilliant advice others have given you, helps you find a way out of this situation. How could he cover your face

foxinsocks · 18/02/2006 20:09

I'm a bit worried that he's heading for some sort of breakdown. Does he do any physical activity during the week - like football, sport etc. - sounds like he really needs to let off some steam.

Has he got any close male friends that you know well enough to have a word with?

WharfRat · 18/02/2006 20:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

VeniVidiVickiQV · 18/02/2006 20:11

Unfortunately some men are too dense to realise that no really means no. They think if they persevere a bit longer you might just change your mind and want to. They think that women are like women in movies (of all genres.......)

You need to have a serious chat about this, but when things have died down a bit.

expatinscotland · 18/02/2006 20:12

I'm not at all worried about him, I'm worried about her, a rape survivor, being raped again. By her own partner.

Your opening line said it all, bloody. He's an arse. No one but a complete and total arse would hold his partner's top over her head, pin her down and bite her ANYWHERE, whilst she pleaded w/thim to stop, and then say he was 'playing'.

foxinsocks · 18/02/2006 20:13

I'm worried about him breaking down because of what he might do to her

Passionflower · 18/02/2006 20:14

I really think you need to get a third party involved.

Blandmum · 18/02/2006 20:14

I think that you have to be very, very clear about this, what he is doing is abuse. Full stop , end of story.

I know this may read as 'pop' psychology, but you are focusing on the one Mnetter who's ex partner was the same. Now I can fully see that her support must be invaluable, but I worry that you are also 'normalising' what he is doing to you.

Please, he is hurting you, and abusing you, and normal men do not do this. Youmust get this stopped. Please get help over this.

foxinsocks · 18/02/2006 20:16

it really worries me bloodymen, that this is an escalating situation

as in, he wasn't like this before and now it's started and it's getting worse

drosophila · 18/02/2006 20:17

No expert here but I think you need to have a serious conversation away from the house and kids. It seems that it is very much linked to the problems you guys had after DS was born. Is it possible he is angry with you and expresses it in this way rather than talk to you?

He really need to know how it make you feel when he does these things. I remember once seeing a therapist on telly who said that you should start each line with:

when you do X or y you make me feel .....

Don't just say stop doing x or y.

Bloodymen · 18/02/2006 20:18

Im a little concered about giving to many details about what happened before as i might 'out' myself.

After we had ds2, we had a party with 2 other couples. We were drinking and having a good time then they left and me and dh went to bed. He started calling me my friends name and saying that he loved her and wanted to make love to her and hold her and keep her safe etc etc. I had forgotten by the morning until he said it again. Ended up with me in tears in my mil's house and days of arguing.

In the summer, a few months later communication between us broke down completely. Looking back I was very difficult to live with and was getting rid of a few of my own demons regarding the rape. I struggled alot but pulled myself together and got through it as I always do. I refuse to be beaten by some monster who thought he could ruin my life. I was spending alot of time purely thinking about me and my emotions and didnt leave any space for him (and i feel i was totally right to take the time to sort myself out)

Then things got so much better.

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Bloodymen · 18/02/2006 20:20

Thinking about it, my whole mindset changed after that, I became so much more confident and independant. I wonder if he feels threatened by it

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