I really just need to get this off my chest.
I have been married to my dh for 4 years.DH's ex-wife left him when she had an affair.
When we met, I told him that I would never cheat on him and I still mean that. He asked if I'd ever cheated on my exes and I said no. This is where the lie begins.
As a teen, I had a very low self esteem and I was with my boyfriend from the time I was 13 (he became my first husband). He never made me feel good about myself and it wasn't until I was in my late teeens that I started to accept that I wasn't ugly and I began to get attention from other men. In time, this led to harmless flirting until I ended up kissing a work colleague and we had a fling (although not sexual). After this, I found myself craving attention from all of my then dh's friends and if they showed any interest I would flirt.
As I became more confident, my then dh became more introverted. He would spend hours at work and then hours sitting in front of his PC playing games. He then started working nights.
I began chatting on web sites to people and I met a man over the net. My relationship with then dh was at an all time low and I found myself spending hours talking to guys and in the end agreed to meet one. He told me he was separated with a child and we met a few times. I told my then dh that I wanted to split and we agreed to separation.
I told him there was no - one else, but 8 weeks later I moved in with this guy. My then dh was devestated and nearly tok his own life. To cut a long story short, I moved in with this guy, who turned out to be a drunken violent bully and after 6 weeks I left. My dh was there to support me and we got back together but for all the wrong reasons. Four motnhs passed and I found myself knowing that I'd made a mistake. My then dh was trying really hard and he was being affectionate and kind and stopped working such long hours but I didn't feel any sexual desire for him. I then had an affait with a mrried man from work. This lasted 8 weeks, but I can only describe it now looking back as torrid. We would have sex whenever we could, booked into a hotel room for 3 hours one day and even in the office. It was disgusting. I ended this because I relaised I was being so deceitful.
I tried really hard then for about a year but I couldn't live the lie with my then dh who didn't deserve such a bitch of a wife. We again agreed to split up.
I then went off the rails and one night I got drunk on a train on the way back from a meeting, chatted up the barman and asked him to to take me for a drink. He agreed but instead of taking me to a pub, he took me to the staff changing rooms and he pushed me into a cubicle and raped me. He forced me to give himn oral sex as well as anal and "ordinary sex". All without a condom. He then calmly walked me to the tube station and asked me if I was OK? I was so disugusted with myself and sobered up pretty wuick but I didn't report it becuase I feel that I asked for it. No-one who had seen me flirting with him on the train would have stood up for my side of the story.
This has haunted me for the past 5 years and although I have never even considered looking at another man apart from my husband I am so scared that somehow my past is going to come and hit me in the face.
I won a competition in a national newspaper and my dh couldn't understand why I refused to have my picture taken and the reason is becuase I'm scared someone will say, "hey I had a fling with her".
I had tests for HIV and STD's when I fell pregnant with my ds and all was clear, but I still can't get over the fact that I behaved so badly. Having only ever had sex with my then dh, I then had sex with 4 men in the space of 6 months along with being raped.
I'm not expecting anyone to be able to tell me what to do, but I feel like my dh is married to a woman he doesn't really know and I can't stop feeling guilty.