Living a Lie and it's tearing me apart

[Chameleon]

I really just need to get this off my chest.

I have been married to my dh for 4 years.DH's ex-wife left him when she had an affair.

When we met, I told him that I would never cheat on him and I still mean that. He asked if I'd ever cheated on my exes and I said no. This is where the lie begins.

As a teen, I had a very low self esteem and I was with my boyfriend from the time I was 13 (he became my first husband). He never made me feel good about myself and it wasn't until I was in my late teeens that I started to accept that I wasn't ugly and I began to get attention from other men. In time, this led to harmless flirting until I ended up kissing a work colleague and we had a fling (although not sexual). After this, I found myself craving attention from all of my then dh's friends and if they showed any interest I would flirt.

As I became more confident, my then dh became more introverted. He would spend hours at work and then hours sitting in front of his PC playing games. He then started working nights.

I began chatting on web sites to people and I met a man over the net. My relationship with then dh was at an all time low and I found myself spending hours talking to guys and in the end agreed to meet one. He told me he was separated with a child and we met a few times. I told my then dh that I wanted to split and we agreed to separation.

I told him there was no - one else, but 8 weeks later I moved in with this guy. My then dh was devestated and nearly tok his own life. To cut a long story short, I moved in with this guy, who turned out to be a drunken violent bully and after 6 weeks I left. My dh was there to support me and we got back together but for all the wrong reasons. Four motnhs passed and I found myself knowing that I'd made a mistake. My then dh was trying really hard and he was being affectionate and kind and stopped working such long hours but I didn't feel any sexual desire for him. I then had an affait with a mrried man from work. This lasted 8 weeks, but I can only describe it now looking back as torrid. We would have sex whenever we could, booked into a hotel room for 3 hours one day and even in the office. It was disgusting. I ended this because I relaised I was being so deceitful.

I tried really hard then for about a year but I couldn't live the lie with my then dh who didn't deserve such a bitch of a wife. We again agreed to split up.

I then went off the rails and one night I got drunk on a train on the way back from a meeting, chatted up the barman and asked him to to take me for a drink. He agreed but instead of taking me to a pub, he took me to the staff changing rooms and he pushed me into a cubicle and raped me. He forced me to give himn oral sex as well as anal and "ordinary sex". All without a condom. He then calmly walked me to the tube station and asked me if I was OK? I was so disugusted with myself and sobered up pretty wuick but I didn't report it becuase I feel that I asked for it. No-one who had seen me flirting with him on the train would have stood up for my side of the story.

This has haunted me for the past 5 years and although I have never even considered looking at another man apart from my husband I am so scared that somehow my past is going to come and hit me in the face.

I won a competition in a national newspaper and my dh couldn't understand why I refused to have my picture taken and the reason is becuase I'm scared someone will say, "hey I had a fling with her".

I had tests for HIV and STD's when I fell pregnant with my ds and all was clear, but I still can't get over the fact that I behaved so badly. Having only ever had sex with my then dh, I then had sex with 4 men in the space of 6 months along with being raped.

I'm not expecting anyone to be able to tell me what to do, but I feel like my dh is married to a woman he doesn't really know and I can't stop feeling guilty.

Wow, Chameleon. I don't know really what to say, except that I'm wondering if you can talk to your now DH and tell him some (not all the detail) of what happened, but reassure him that you would never cheat on him, that you don't want to, but the truth is that you did cheat on your ex?? Sounds like you married really young - and that has something to do with how you treated your ex.

why dont you talk to a confidential helpline who may put you in contact with some specialist advice.
you do not have to tell your husband what happended but you should not wake up every day feeling guilty with yourself for something in your past
we all have secrets - embaressing or whatever that we wish we never did.
my dh uncle is a priest, neither of us are religious, he told me once when my dh was in the US and i was at home having agreat time, we were kinda having time apart, that it didnt matterwhat i got up to, we probably needed to do stuff and i needed to be out and socialising as i had been with my dh since 20, what was important was out time together and how we related, we were not married at the time but it does make sense. your husband must trust you now and you him and if you both do then past things really dont matter, share everything with him and build your confidence in each other.

being honest with yourself is what you are doing are, and decide how you want your relationship with your husband to be.
talk to a specialist i am sure they'll have lots more info and experience than me.

I posted this earlier on your duplicate thread but wanted to make sure you read it Chameleon...

Chameleon, first of all reading your post I am struck by the fact that you are feeling guilt that you really shouldn't have. Your first relationship didn't work out, it wasn't the kindest of circumstances but there we are. Truth be told you slept with 4 men in 6 months, that really is not all that shocking, but the fact that you were attacked is truly shocking.

This rape is really troubling me, you must have been terrified and you clearly still bear the wounds 5 years on. The attack was violent and was not your fault, this man took serious advantage of you when you were vulnerable. You must tell yourself that you did not provoke or deserve this attack, it's the truth. I do think you should seek counselling in order to help you deal with this awful feeling you have, I feel fairly sure that all or most of your guilt feelings are all tied in with the feelings attack left you with.

You said yourself that you have no desire to look for sex outside of your marriage and so you really have nothing to feel guilty for. YOU HAVE DONE NOTHING WRONG TO YOUR HUSBAND. I do think that it would be a good idea to tell DH about the attck as I'm sure that his support will be vital to your 'recovery'. Perhaps not straight away, maybe you don't feel strong enough yet, but I would take the counselling option and work yourself up to a time where you feel able to tell your DH. Please don't suffer in silence any more.

Hugs
WSM
xxx

this may help you make the first move

To echo Hermykne...you don't have to tell him. Would that do either of you any good? He would be gutted, and you might lose him. I would say that, if you still want him, treat him like you want him, and 'make up' for the past in that way. IMO you do not really have anything to make up for. You went off the rails in a rather spectacular way, but then I'm sure that most of us have done things that we are ashamed of, to whatever degree. You did not ask to be raped. That man used your probably obvious state to abuse you. That was not your fault.

I know that I have done things that I regret, and some that I do not regret, but would possibly change if I had my time again. You have to forgive yourself.

what wsm says about the rape is very true you may need to heal this awful damage to you with professional help.

dont leave it any longer, for you and your family

Don't know why this thread has created twice. So WSM thanks for your comments too.

My dh has been through so much and when I first met him he was just recovering from an abusive relationship.

He only admitted to himself that hew was suffering from depression once we had been together for 6 months. He was drinkging too much, not sleeping and having panic attacks and together, we saw the GP and then a counsellor who prescribed him mild anti-depressants. He is much better now but it takes only little things to make him feel low and I do sometimes, feel the need to tread on egg-shells.

He definately wouldn't be able to cope with me telling him about my past.

He knows I was in an abusive relationship which lasted only a short while, but doesn't know about the rape and I can't tell him. The issue is that I do feel responsible. I flirted, I got drunk and I probably gave this man the wrong signals. My logical side tells me that doesn't give anyone the right to do what he did, but it doesn't stop me feeling that it was my fault ultimately.

How can I go on for the next 40 years of married life with my dh thinking that I am whiter than white? On the other hand, I know that he probably has some skeletons in the cupboard and if he told me, I would just say "you were young" etc. etc.

I have never told anyone that I was raped although I told a fiend in the office that I had a "bad" experience the day after it happened.

I don't know why I suddenly feel so scared and awful about all of this. maybe it's because I now ahave a child and I am so frightened that I am going to lose my relationship if this ever gets out?

Chameleon - I also posted on the other thread.

But I want to add this: flirting and giving signals is not an invitation to rape, ever. In fact, even stripping off and saying "come get me" before changing your mind is not an invitation to rape. Men are not animals - they can control their desires and most do. The rape was not your fault.

chameleon, maybe you are suffering from ptsd as a result of the rape. you absolutely did not "ask" for this terrible thing to happen. i urge you to contact a rape counsellor and start the process of forgiving yourself. only then will you be able to set down the burden of anxiety and guilt which is currently diverted/misplaced on to your marriage.

as far as the other affairs went, well, i'm sure you are not the first person (and certainly not the last) who has sought an escape from a troubled and abusive marriage in this way.

please do not confuse the two things - they are completely different.

i am so sorry you have suffered and are still suffering from this awful experience.

i really hope you get some advice here that makes sense to you and start the journey of recovery.

good luck.

I have to log off now as I am at my sister's baby-sitting and she will be home soon.

I wake up every morning at 3 O'clock and can't get back to sleep. I lay there thinking about all of this and it's really starting to make me feel ill.

I have a stressful job which does take me away from home occassionally. Whilst my dh says he trust me implicitly I do wonder if he has doubts based on what happened to him before.

I love my dh and would never dream of even flirting let alone cheating on him. He is kind, considerate and a great dad. I am also a lot older and wiser and because he treats me well and tells me that he loves me (Unlike my 1st husband)and finds me attractive, I have no reason to even think about straying.

He does bring me down emotionally though when he has off days and his feelings of depression start to kick in again. I want so much to be able to continue to support him, but feel that my feelings about me are starting to bring me down. I'm snappy with him and his dd and I'm so tired because I'm not sleeping.

I don't think I could talk to anyone in person or on the phone about this.

It's strange but just writing this down has lifted some of the pressure.

hi chameleon, i know a couple of people who work with rape survivors and there's nothing they haven't heard. it is not your fault. i think you should speak to someone who is used to counselling people in situations like yours. good night and i'm glad you feel even slightly better for having posted here.

Chameleon, I can only echo what everyone else here has said. You are dealing with this awful rape very bravely but you can't do it all on your own, you need to get some help. You have done nothing to hurt your dh, you were young and unhappy when all this happened. I bet everyone on mumsnet has done something they regretted, I know I have. It was just unlucky for you that you happened upon a monster who took advantage.

Seek some help and it will stop ruining your life. xx

Chameleon, whenever I have seen counselling services for rape advertised they always say you can phone their number no matter how long ago the rape occurred. I also think you should seek help to talk about this professionally with people who know how to deal with this kind of abuse. Maybe you are frightened that you will "go off the rails" again when you feel low self-esteem. You won't, but you need to deal with the past in order to move on. Nothing that happened is your fault, you did not deserve this.

Chameleon - I don't have much good advice for you, I just want to tell you that I understand what you are going through. I'm not going into details here as I can't be arsed changing my name.
But I TOTALLY understand why you didn't report it and why you still haven't.

I really think telling your DH will help you. Nevermind the other men, who cares about all that.... we all go wild at some point in our life and it really is none of your DH's business. But the rape is different, if you feel you can't speak to a Counsellor could you tell your DH?

Chameleon,

I don't have anything to add, but I urge you to follow the advice that others have wisely suggested.

xxx

What happened to you is by no means your fault - no matter how much you flirted you always have the right to say 'no' and this should be respected. If your dh really loves you then he will not judge you but he may however be a little hurt that you did not feel able to tell him sooner. Perhaps you should consider getting this off your chest and talking to him it will probably result in a much stronger bond between the two of you and he might understand you more. If it has haunted you for 5 years then unfortunately it will probably haunt you for a lot longer unless you can speak to someone and try and move on. Of course it is up to you whether or not you tell him but at least if you do you can stop worrying about your past 'coming and hitting you in the face'. It must be a horrible way to live and at the moment you feel like you are living with a shameful secret when in all honesty you have nothing to be ashamed of - we've all be a bit wild once in a while and you didn't deserve any of this unhappiness.

Chameleon

I'm speaking from the other side of this problem.

Tell your DH. It will make things easier unless he is completely heartless.

I know this because I have had this sort of thing told to me by partners before and it may explain to them some odd things they have noticed but never been able to understand.

Thanks everyone for your advice.

This may sound silly in the big scale of things but what troubles me most is him finding out about me having had flings before we met and I don't think there's a magic solution to stopping my fears over that. He has always made it perfectly clear if I ever strayed, there would be no discussion or chance of reconciliation - we would be over. Whilst this may be very black and white, I suppose with his past experience it's understandable. That said, I have no reason to want to stray.

I have decided to tell him about the rape although I think I will try and start to learn to "forgive" myself before I do. I still feel that I was pathetic in getting so drunk and out of control and that ultimately I caused this man to believe that he could take advantage of me.

I don't think I can tell him everything. If I tell him that drink made me lose my sense and ability to look after myself, he'll never want me to go out again! That said, apart from my hen night, I haven't allowed myself to get drunk since that experience. (I regularly have the pi$$ taken out of me for not "letting go" when out with friends).

I don't know how he will take it but I do know that he is kind and supportive and it may explain a few things to him, (Like how I can't watch anything on telly of a similar vain). And why I get on my soap box when I see or hear stories about girls "having deserved it).

My feelings about him finding out about my past is entirely selfish. However, I don't want anything to spoil our relationship and am only grateful that my infidelity in my first marriage didn't destroy anyone elses relationship.

Thank you to everyone who has been so supportive and helped me to start to make sense of this.

good luck.

good luck.

Wish me luck everyone. dh has his first full weekend off for 2 years and I;ve decided that I should talk about my experience with him. His mum and dad have ds this weekend.

Don't know whether to tell him, tonight or leave it till tomorrow so we at least get one stress free evening together?

Good luck this weekend.

good luck chameleon I know this is going to be really really difficult for you. If you want to talk you know mumsnetters are always here.

I think you are and have been really brave, and you deserve a happy life

Have just read this post. So sorry for what has happened to you. But big hugs and good luck for the weekend. Keep us posted.

Best of luck Chameleon. You're being so brave and taking a big step -- I hope it goes well for you. And like fio2 said, you'll find support here if you need it.