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Invite to wedding when heavily pregnant

79 replies

Rhubarb · 14/09/2003 15:56

Dh and I have just been invited to his cousin's wedding which will be at the Barbican Centre in London in late October, by which time I shall be nearly 8 months pregnant. We would quite like to go as we've always promised dd that we would show her London Bridge, Big Ben and the Tower of London. But can anyone prepare me for how posh this Barbican Centre is likely to be? Is there anywhere cheap we can stay in the vicinity? And any tips on how to get through a wedding whilst heavily pregnant (no doubt watching dh get roaringly drunk and feeling quite a bit left out too!) would be more than welcome. Plus it might be nice to meet a few fellow Mumsnetters for a quick drink if there is anyone around! (Scummy?)

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Rhubarb · 17/09/2003 11:04

I just told dh that he would need to read up on childbirth so he knows what to do if I go into labour, and he said that he would call for his dad (his parents are going too) and announce that it was "calfing time"! His dad was a dairy farmer you see and delivered lots of calves, and dh's sister. I could see the funny side if I didn't think he was being serious!

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waterbaby · 17/09/2003 11:16

Rhubarb, can I turn this question around for a moment? I'm getrting married next year, and two BF have just announced pregnancies - one is due a week after wedding, the other a fortnight. They both want to come (but this is first pg so see how they feel later on ), and I want to make it as easy as possible for them. I've been racking my brains and agreed with DP to book quiet rooms for them at the hotel, what else could I do to make the day as comfortable as possible for them?

Rhubarb · 17/09/2003 22:10

Ok, if you are having a lot of people attend the ceremony, make sure that you reserve seats for the women and their partners, so they don't have to stand through it. And if the chairs are hard, try to get some cushions on them.

At the meal, seat them near to the toilets! Also make sure you have lots of soft drinks on offer as well as wine. If you can get hold of J2O's, they are a lovely soft drink and you get a damn sight more in the bottle than you do an ordinary Britvic Orange. Fizzy drinks might not be a good idea.

At the reception don't expect them to dance or to stay long. Forbid the DJ to point them out (some DJs think it's funny to make jokes about any pregnant women they see). Above all try to allow for the fact that on the day itself, they might not turn up. Some days, esp when heavily gone, are worse than others and if they feel really bad in the morning, they can't be expected to spend the whole day at a wedding. Plus they might go into labour anyway! So expect the unexpected!

But do make them feel welcome without making a show of them, if you know what I mean!

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Rhubarb · 17/09/2003 22:11

Forgot to say - congrats yourself! Have a brilliant day!

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janh · 20/09/2003 21:36

Hi, Rhubarb! Don't know if you've found somewhere to stay yet, if not have a look at this - it's the Novotel by Tower Bridge, £75 a night b & b for 2 adults + 2 children sharing a room. (You even get a Playstation !!!)

Rhubarb · 20/09/2003 22:13

Ta Janh! I like the Playstation idea! Dh has yet to phone his friends so we'll see how it goes.

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Rhubarb · 23/09/2003 10:20

Need some help with this now. Dh spoke to his friends who said we are welcome to stay so long as he goes out for a drink with them, there was no mention of me. Now my dilemma is this: we had a crap holiday in Scotland, dh spent most of the time drinking and him and my dad got drunk, I got pushed to one side (well you can't drink 'cause you're pregnant, so how about driving us to the pub?), had to put up with constant jibes from my dad about why and how I got pregnant again, what a shame I can't drink and they can, how I needed a haircut, etc, etc. Dh didn't stick up for me unless I really pushed him to. I felt so down and miserable and depressed during this time I just wanted to get in the car and drive home without him. I have never felt so unwanted. It didn't help that I'm depressed anyway and had quite a few panic attacks whilst I was up there.

Now I think it would be nice to go for a break for me. I do like London and this wedding was the perfect excuse to spend a bit of time in the capital, show dd the sights that are in her nursery rhymes, and get to see a nice wedding too. Dh's family would be there so I knew I would be looked after. There was just the problem of where to stay. Looking at our finances we can't really afford even £50 a room for a hostel, as we are talking 2 nights minimum, and we'd have to sort out our own food and so on. Staying with friends was the cheapest thing to do. But now I have this fear that when we get there, dh will go off drinking with his pal, they won't want me around as dh and his friend go back a fair way so no doubt will want to catch up, which means I'll be left in the house on my own with dd. It's no use asking dh not to get drunk or smoke, as he'll just accuse me of being a killjoy and say something like "He's one of my oldest friends, there's no point going out with him if I have to remain sober". I can see his point, but at the same time am I being unreasonable in just wanting some time spent on me?
How can I compromise in this situation? Is it worth us going at all? Dh thinks a holiday is about drinking, I'm getting fed up with him constantly drinking in front of me, knowing how hard it is for me to just stick to one glass of wine or half pint. I feel fairly useless anyway at the mo, almost like I've dirtied myself in getting pregnant again. Him going out and leaving me in someone else's house just makes me feel worse. Like I'm good for nothing but carrying this baby. Or maybe I'm just being unreasonable and petty? Some honest opinions needed please.

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CountessDracula · 23/09/2003 10:25

How about the SW London mumsnet night out? Could be arranged for late October!

Rhubarb · 23/09/2003 10:41

But it'll probably collide with dh's night out with his friend (Friday) and then the wedding reception night (Sat). But if you are meeting during the day either Friday or early Sat I could tag along! I'd really like to do something just for me.

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CountessDracula · 23/09/2003 11:02

Rhubarb if I'm in London that weekend would happily meet up with you. Which weekend is it?

How's your dh getting on with that lamp I sent you btw? Just wondered if it has made any diff.

dinosaur · 23/09/2003 11:45

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Rhubarb · 23/09/2003 12:16

Ah Countess - it's you is it? He has got it set up and working, and is going to see if the GP will give him some of those pills you take with it. His psorasis always gets worse in winter so it'll be interesting to see if it does make a difference.

Dinosaur - dh's friends live in Hackney too. I guess what I'm asking is whether or not I should bother going. The wedding is on Sat 25th and we were planning to travel down on Friday, stay 2 nights in London and then perhaps another night somewhere else. If dh is going out on Friday, and we have the wedding on Sat, that doesn't leave me with much. It also doesn't leave that much room for sightseeing either. And if I'm going to be left out in the cold whilst he drinks, maybe I should simply avoid a potentially disasterous outcome and not go?

I do like weddings though and would have liked to have gone, but the way I'm feeling at the mo, it might not be the best idea. I feel so isolated as it is, there are so many things I cannot do now and it seems to be rubbing it in every time dh has a drink. I haven't met up with my friends in ages because I hate people talking about the pregnancy, dh has been staying in with me, but he drinks at home so I end up wishing he had gone out. We're no longer intimate because it hurts and I feel so s**t and unsexy anyway. I don't have the energy I used to, I'm finding it hard coping with dd and I guess I just want something to make me feel better. The wedding was a date to focus on, something to look forward to, but I don't think it will turn out as I imagine. And I don't want to feel left out, I don't want to watch him go out with his friends whilst I'm left feeling miserable and in the way, I don't want him to resent me for making him feel guilty. Oh I'm just so fed up!

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Rhubarb · 23/09/2003 12:17

Ah Countess - it's you is it? He has got it set up and working, and is going to see if the GP will give him some of those pills you take with it. His psorasis always gets worse in winter so it'll be interesting to see if it does make a difference.

Dinosaur - dh's friends live in Hackney too. I guess what I'm asking is whether or not I should bother going. The wedding is on Sat 25th and we were planning to travel down on Friday, stay 2 nights in London and then perhaps another night somewhere else. If dh is going out on Friday, and we have the wedding on Sat, that doesn't leave me with much. It also doesn't leave that much room for sightseeing either. And if I'm going to be left out in the cold whilst he drinks, maybe I should simply avoid a potentially disasterous outcome and not go?

I do like weddings though and would have liked to have gone, but the way I'm feeling at the mo, it might not be the best idea. I feel so isolated as it is, there are so many things I cannot do now and it seems to be rubbing it in every time dh has a drink. I haven't met up with my friends in ages because I hate people talking about the pregnancy, dh has been staying in with me, but he drinks at home so I end up wishing he had gone out. We're no longer intimate because it hurts and I feel so s**t and unsexy anyway. I don't have the energy I used to, I'm finding it hard coping with dd and I guess I just want something to make me feel better. The wedding was a date to focus on, something to look forward to, but I don't think it will turn out as I imagine. And I don't want to feel left out, I don't want to watch him go out with his friends whilst I'm left feeling miserable and in the way, I don't want him to resent me for making him feel guilty. Oh I'm just so fed up!

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Rhubarb · 23/09/2003 12:18

Ah Countess - it's you is it? He has got it set up and working, and is going to see if the GP will give him some of those pills you take with it. His psorasis always gets worse in winter so it'll be interesting to see if it does make a difference.

Dinosaur - dh's friends live in Hackney too. I guess what I'm asking is whether or not I should bother going. The wedding is on Sat 25th and we were planning to travel down on Friday, stay 2 nights in London and then perhaps another night somewhere else. If dh is going out on Friday, and we have the wedding on Sat, that doesn't leave me with much. It also doesn't leave that much room for sightseeing either. And if I'm going to be left out in the cold whilst he drinks, maybe I should simply avoid a potentially disasterous outcome and not go?

I do like weddings though and would have liked to have gone, but the way I'm feeling at the mo, it might not be the best idea. I feel so isolated as it is, there are so many things I cannot do now and it seems to be rubbing it in every time dh has a drink. I haven't met up with my friends in ages because I hate people talking about the pregnancy, dh has been staying in with me, but he drinks at home so I end up wishing he had gone out. We're no longer intimate because it hurts and I feel so s**t and unsexy anyway. I don't have the energy I used to, I'm finding it hard coping with dd and I guess I just want something to make me feel better. The wedding was a date to focus on, something to look forward to, but I don't think it will turn out as I imagine. And I don't want to feel left out, I don't want to watch him go out with his friends whilst I'm left feeling miserable and in the way, I don't want him to resent me for making him feel guilty. Oh I'm just so fed up!

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Rhubarb · 23/09/2003 12:18

Sorry, got p*ed off with pc then too!

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dinosaur · 23/09/2003 12:43

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CountessDracula · 23/09/2003 13:03

Rhubarb, how about having some you time on the Sunday? Your dh will prob be hung over anyway, so could go out for a lovely lunch somewhere in town? One that didn't involve drinking that is.

Rhubarb · 23/09/2003 16:38

It's ok Dinosaur, and thank you, both of you. I don't know if I'm being unreasonable or if my hormones are playing up again. I could ask him to go on his own, but I couldn't expect him to take dd with him. Making plans for Sunday might be an idea, perhaps without him and dd?
I feel very low at the moment so maybe it's best to leave it for a couple of days, see how my mood is then. I just felt so let down and betrayed by him in Scotland, I don't want to give him a chance to do it all over again. I know even the threats of me going into labour won't be enough to stop him drinking, he'd just order me a taxi to the hospital or something. He can't even stop himself having a smoke when I ask him to.

Where are friends when you need them eh? (apart from Custdy who is excused as she lives hundreds of miles away from me!)

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dinosaur · 23/09/2003 17:11

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Rhubarb · 23/09/2003 19:04

Don't think we're going now. I talked about it to him when he got home. He said he can give no guarantees that he won't get drunk or have a few fags whilst he's there. He said it's unfair to spend a couple of nights with his friends and have to be a killjoy to them by staying sober. So I said how about just sticking to 4 pints, but he again made out that he would be expected to have quite a few beers. He said there's no point in us going if I'm going to make restrictions.

So there you go. I dreamt of a nice break, taking dd to her first wedding, getting dressed up, having a posh meal, having people to talk to, seeing London again and showing dd all the sights. But it's obviously not meant to be.

He said we could go somewhere else for a break, but I wanted to get away from dh and dd for a while! Get dressed up, have people to talk to. Yet I would be spoiling his fun if we went and I insisted he stay sober. I wouldn't mind if that's what I was doing, but I didn't think asking him to stick to 4 pints was that bad, or asking him not to smoke (he only smokes when he drinks and I hate it. Esp now being pregnant the smell of stale smoke makes me feel sick and often he's had to sleep downstairs because I couldn't stand the smell). So whilst I give up all these excesses for our child, he cannot give up any of them for me. I understand his friend would want to go out with him, but surely his friend would understand his limit on drinking with me being 8 months pregnant? Anyway, there you go, he won't compromise and accuses me of being jealous and bitter. And so I wonder if I should have taken that medication after all, it might come in handy at times like this.

Or am I really a bitter, shit person? Am I being crap? Maybe they should take me away until I've had the baby, that would solve everything!

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aloha · 23/09/2003 21:38

Oh, Rhubarb, don't say no to going if you are looking forward to it! When are you going? If our stepdaughter isn't here do you fancy a night in South London? Seriously! Who else do you know at the wedding? call them up and ask them to keep you company. I'd be very, very flattered if someone asked the same of me. Please come! Your dh probably feels worried, tense etc with your depression etc and wants to let his hair down. I hated being sober when pg so I can understand that. You've had lots of serious offers from mumsnetters, so take them up. Enjoy your weekend. Ds and I will happily accompany you down the thames! ds loves girls! Come on - you know you like a party!

dinosaur · 23/09/2003 22:07

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bloss · 24/09/2003 01:16

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Rhubarb · 24/09/2003 10:36

Don't make me cry now! I think he's being a twat too, but he makes me feel so bitchy and selfish. Perhaps he can stay with his bloody friend on the Friday night, and me and dd can stay somewhere else? Then I don't have to be around him when he comes in stinking of stale tobacco and alcohol. He'll then have to explain why I'm not stopping with him - ha!
Is Hackney in South London then? Sorry, I don't know all the areas very well, I only know central.
Aloha - the wedding is on Sat 25th Oct.
Thanks for all the offers, it would be nice to meet up with someone who doesn't have dh's interests for a change! I can fully understand dh wanting to let his hair down, but he gets the chance to do that every weekend. It's his birthday at the end of this month, we're planning to go for a curry, £50 says he will get drunk and smoke a cigar because basically he can't enjoy himself unless he's done that. And he'll want to meet up with friends, he gets bored just taking pregnant, sober me out. How does that make me feel? Like a piece of shit to be quite frank. Isn't it a wonder how you cease to become an individual when you are pregnant? You're just a lump, an embarrassment to single, childless friends, a hassle to your partner and a medical case to your GP and midwife. People see my stomach now before they see me.

Oh well, at least the piles cleared up!

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prufrock · 24/09/2003 10:50

Rhubarb I'm glad to see you can still focus on the positives m'dear. Please still go - your dh is being a twat, but you can still enjoy yourself inspite of him.
Hackney is North East. I'm in Middle East London (Canary Wharf) and would love to see you anytime that weekend. I can't guarantee to be good company, but maybe if you see me throwing up it will make you feel better in some wierd sort of unhappiness shared way?