Why do people say such rude unhelpful things because I have one?

[Enchanted82]

I’m feeling so sad and could do with some advice.
we are one and done,(DD8) it has always felt the right decision for us for many reasons and I never yearned for another but…. Others make such horrible comments and it really gets to me and I feel I am failing because my daughter doesn’t have a sibling. Things like ‘she must be so lonely’ how horrible she had nobody to play with during Covid’ ‘ I guess she is very close to grandparents because she doesn’t hsve a sibling’

isn’t the most important thing in life being safe, loved and having parents who love one another? So many children don’t have that.

we do everything we can to help our daughter lead a full life, develop friendships, spend time doing hobbies and with friends. she has parents who support and love her.

… slightly different angle but do any of you knows something bolstering to say to a young only who is DESPERATE for a sibling? The fact that I don’t get along at all my brother doesn’t seem the do the trick! Is very keen on helping to raise (a not happening) baby

OP, I think you need to start standing up for yourself a bit more. You can’t control the fact that there are rude and idiotic people in the world but you have some control over how you deal with it and how it affects you. The fact you feel so bad about it is such a shame. I have four kids but don’t understand what the issue is with people who only have one kid. If I’d wanted one kid that’s what I would have had and anyone that gave me grief over it would have regretted it. I’m not rude but I would let them know that their comments might really upset some people.

If it’s people that you know well perhaps you could put your comment in a message rather than in person if you think that might be easier. Keep things short and to the point. Tell them you don’t like the comments and that you don’t want them to say anything similar to you in future.

If you challenge people when they make these comments you might feel better about it.

Are you an only child @Enchanted82 just out of interest?
I’ve noticed when I’ve met mums who have the ‘one and done’ attitude often have the siblings themselves and maybe take those relationships for granted.
I would never say these things to anyone but I do think it is a loss not having a sibling. I’m an only child and my dad now has Alzheimer’s - wish I could share the burden…

We are one and done, no-ones really said anything about it tbh but if they did it wouldn’t really bother me. She’ happy and well adjusted (I think). I also don’t care if people don’t have kids or have loads, genuinely not bothered as I’m happy with my choices. I don’t understand people who invest so much emotional energy in what other people have chosen to do. I was happily childfree for ages and would cheerfully say “fuck no, don’t want any”.

It always amazes me how many rude people so many mumsnetters seem to know.

How many children you have is your choice. Nobody else’s business unless, slight proviso, you are frequently asking for friends to come over etc and saying because she’s an only child, the the friend’s parents are fed up with the frequency. We had that situation, every Saturday afternoon, barely in from orchestra and the girl two doors down would knock to play, her mum would say she’s bored because she doesn’t have siblings - problem was the dynamic then wasn’t good in my house because one of mine then was excluded (by her sister I should add)

I have had comments like this over the years because we only have our son (14). I am also an only child myself, my Mum has pre-eclampsia and I nearly died at birth being born 12 weeks premature. Most people who comment, are those who have siblings. They have no experience of being an 'only child' or if they were, it was only a year or two before a sibling was born, and they have no memory of that time. In my view, you can't miss what you've never had or experienced. People don't seem to understand that having one can be a choice but equally it may be circumstances. I've learnt to ignore these people. Don't feel guilty for the choices you have made. You only have to look on MN to see that having siblings isn't a guarantee that you'll get on, be close or have their support.

@RampantIvy i know I’m more sensitive than others but for example on a teams call a while ago my daughter was looking at the camera for a couple of minutes just observing and somebody said ‘that’s because she doesn’t have siblings to play with I suppose’

i think that’s rude, maybe others don’t? Maybe she wouldn’t bother me if she had siblings, maybe she would. It’s these kind of flippant comments people don’t think about. And they’re stupid comments

I agree, that's rude. I have nicer workmates than that.

I wonder if you asked them

gosh how does your second child feel that they were only born to supply a play mate for your first child?

did you just have your second child because your first would be lonely, have they got any complexes due to that?

Hi yes !!!! I can help here. And you’re right - saying you don’t get on with your brother won’t help at all because kids of this age compare themselves to their peers not their parents.

So.. I think best way to deal with this is be very MATTER OF FACT about it and not at all ‘emotionally charged’ iyswim.

So .. keeping it factual - say - yes brothers or sisters can be great … BUT … having a brother or sister would simply mean that you’ve got someone else of your generation in your immediate family - it wouldn’t guarantee a happy life necessarily, solve all your problems or make you more popular with your peers!

What I WOULDN’T do is say “oh but you’ve got more material things than kids with bros and sisters” because this isn’t necessarily true .. it could be the case that kids in larger.families sometimes DO get more toys etc than onlies actually.. families go into credit for this kind of thing if they need to. And also if a kid desperately wants a bro or sis, they probably wouldn’t want more material stuff anyway.

Instead I’d look into examples from my old life of when an only child was very popular with her peers and a girl with both a sister her own age and a baby brother was very socially awkward and clingy and sadly the most disliked kid in the class. Luckily as an adult she gained much more self respect. I’m not saying this to be mean just merely to illustrate that having a bro or sis doesn’t guarantee self respect, self confidence or popularity.

Although one would hope in many - or even most cases - that having brothers / sisters can indeed be a blessing - what’s more important than siblings is your OWN character. Even in the complete absence of arguments and jealousy and where siblings ostensibly get on, they can still drift apart due to the demands and daily grind of adult life and even sadly in some cases - indifference. Whereas, you can develop your own character to be ready to face anything life throws at you.

I wouldn’t say this in a million years. Totally inappropriate!!!!

I’m one of three and not close to my siblings. I was pretty much playing on my own in childhood. There’s photos of me with my pretend friends lol. Similar with DH’s experience he’s not close to his siblings as a kid or now as an adult.

Meanwhile, DH and I are one and done.

People say all kinds of stupid and hurtful things around kids.

Don't you want to try for a girl? If you are expecting a boy.

Your kids are far apart in age (like these things can always be helped).

You kids are pretty close together it must be hard for you )again see above).

Twins! Wow that must be challenging.

etc etc. People are just thoughtless sometimes - don’t let that get to you.

My response was "we went for quality rather than quantity". I reckoned a rude message needed a curt response.

I have an only child, but I guess I’ve failed her because her dad ended up hating me and being horribly emotionally abusive so I left him when she was 2. So my daughter doesn’t have parents who love each other which you seem to think is vitally important.
She doesn’t still see plenty of her dad who adores her.

If you don’t like people judging you don’t judge others.

Try having the audacity to have a third! And all the same sex😂
Mother in laws reaction was 'oh......you don't want ANOTHER do you?!'
Others were........are you going to try again?🤦‍♀️ well hadnt 'tried' the third time but perfectly happy and that they were all the same sex, I'd had a bully of an older brother, abusive to me as a child, disappeared out of my life for decades as an adult then reappeared expecting to bully me again. Last time I rang him in relation to a parent, he swore and put the phone down on me when I stood up for myself for the first time, not heard from him since. Having a sibling is not always better🤷‍♀️

@Upperroom , it's more likely that the one and done mothers who you are encountering who have siblings themselves have crap or underwhelming relationships with their own siblings. That's certainly the case for me.

My brother and I stopped being close once he reached about 12 years old, and he has pissed off to live abroad and does the bare minimum to stay in touch. As my parents get older and start to need support, I will have zero help from him.

If you look at multiple child families, it's usually one sibling that gets saddled with helping out older parents.

People can be so insensitive. I had 2 siblings, one of whom is a twin and I still had periods of loneliness when I was a child and I haven't spoke to either of them in years so I'd be completely screwed on relying them to stop me being lonely! On the other hand, I have cousins and family friends who were only children who had great childhoods and were far from ever being lonely.

I also second this. I work in elderly social work and would say that the vast majority of clients I have, it is normally just the one child helping out as well.

I have two children because this is what I always wanted however while I am hopeful they do get on, I certainly didn't give my eldest a sibling so he wouldn't be "lonely". It's a concept I don't understand at all when people talk about only children given loneliness can affect everyone. I also think it's a terrible burden to place on siblings that they are somehow responsible for stopping each other being lonely and I sincerely hope both my children build their own lives with their own friends and families as well!

And as I mentioned I work in Older social work, but having children so they'll look after me or support each other when I'm older wasn't even a consideration for me for having children! There's just so many variables and unknown factors that it's pointless even worrying about it until the time comes. I may not even need care when I'm older, I may not even reach old age, my children might not get on with each other or want to provide care or even live in the same country as me!

People will have an (unwanted) opinion about any family combination you have.

We had a girl then a boy so most people said to us "how lovely, one of each, you won't need to have any more". As the older child with a younger brother growing up, the girl then boy combo was something I really didn't want.

We ended up with 4 very close together. Lots of stupid comments "are they all yours?" (no we always take spare children furniture shopping), "don't you have a TV?" (oh I haven't heard that before), "have you worked out how it's happening yet?" (haha you're so funny).

We had a bonus baby when the youngest was 15. Lots of sad comments about how she is effectively an only child. It has been wonderful having "just one". Days out are more affordable, sitting around waiting for activities I can read a book and not have to entertain a younger child. Attention not drawn multiple ways - what's not to like? When she started primary school a good half the class were "only"s. It isn't unusual.

Whatever you do somebody will tell you that you are doing it wrong. Best to just do what suits you. There is actually no right or wrong way to be a family.

I find this so sad OP and I’m very sorry you’ve had to suffer these comments. I am an “only child” (awful saying!) and now in my mid 30s. I grew up with some very rude comments, admittedly mostly from other children who maybe didn’t know better, but either way it was reflective of the overriding attitude in the 90s/00s - such as, “were you a mistake?” Or bluntly “why did your parents only have you?” Etc. I’ve also recently had people say “you’re so normal even though you’re an only child!” (Yeah and you’re a fucking weirdo despite having 3 siblings 🫠).

I found this harder to deal with than I ever admitted as I didn’t want to upset my parents. However, I grew up and realised it doesn’t mean shit whether you have siblings or not. In recent years, I’ve had some friends say they would only want one child and have met more families with one child which gave me hope that people have become less judgemental and have finally realised that being an only child doesn’t make you odd or lonely.

I really hope that people really will let go of this nonsense about only children and concentrate on what really matters. Don’t let these ignorant people get you down OP!

The meerkat who had many children commisterated with the lion, who just had one. Yes, said the lion, but mine's a lion.

@Mushypeas101 i really appreciated your message! You are so right. Why on earth just because you don’t have siblings they think you’re not going to be ‘normal’ - what a load of shit.
do you ever say to people who have had a parent die or are from a blended family or parents divorced, ‘gosh you’re so normal considering the situation’ it’s such rubbish and I know it really.
we are all different with different opinions, characters, different personalities etc which has NO bearing on how many are in our family!
as you say things are starting to change slowly. One of the biggest differences I see as an only child compared to friends with siblings ( not all of them but a lot) is I do seem to invest more in friendships and prioritise my social circle. However totally possible that’s circumstantial!

Yep couldn’t agree with you more! It seems to be that making a comment about only children (or families with a lot of children) is socially acceptable. But hopefully things are changing. Either way, I hope you learn to ignore these silly comments…it took me many years but I really am now so over it!