Why do people say such rude unhelpful things because I have one?

[Enchanted82]

I’m feeling so sad and could do with some advice.
we are one and done,(DD8) it has always felt the right decision for us for many reasons and I never yearned for another but…. Others make such horrible comments and it really gets to me and I feel I am failing because my daughter doesn’t have a sibling. Things like ‘she must be so lonely’ how horrible she had nobody to play with during Covid’ ‘ I guess she is very close to grandparents because she doesn’t hsve a sibling’

isn’t the most important thing in life being safe, loved and having parents who love one another? So many children don’t have that.

we do everything we can to help our daughter lead a full life, develop friendships, spend time doing hobbies and with friends. she has parents who support and love her.

I had this comment from my MIDWIFE! Even harder to take as she knew I was in my mid-40s already, used IVF and was escaping the abusive father 😳😡

I do say to DD, when she’s going somewhere risky or new, “what’s the first rule?” And she says “don’t die!” Because I don’t have a spare like those other families. It’s a running joke.

Lots of her friends are onlys so it’s normal round our way.

Thank you to everyone for lovely supportive messages 🩷
And yes we do live more rurally now, used to live on a big town but wanted a quieter lifestyle and more of a community. We def have achieved that but we are the not the typical sized family. I’m wondering whether this environment isn’t helping our daughter in terms of feeling the same as others. Lots of benefits to living here but this is definitely the con!

Ooh this is lovely! You had your DC young, and now that they have moved out you can have some of your life back now!

Me too. Wealthy family and horrible siblings. Abused by a brother a year younger and bullied by a sister year older. Horrible horrible horrible

I once said to someone in the course of a conversation about our children that one of the reasons I only wanted one was so that I could focus on her. The person basically said that it's better to have two otherwise she wouldn't learn she couldn't have all the attention on her. It was so rude.

I have one! He took a lot of treatment and a lot of upset and cost a lot of money! He’s 13 now. He isn’t lonely, he has lots of friends, he has continually an extremely privileged life. We considered going through it all again for a brother or sister but it might cost another 50k to achieve it and where would that have left my longed for child? Having to say no to an ice cream or a kids magazine because we were saving up for something that might never work?! No, instead we have just the one, who wants for nothing and enjoys his life immensely. Not once has he requested a sibling and not once has anyone ever commented on it!

People can be so rude - mu own mother said we should try for a 3rd as we had 2 boys and ' my life would never feel complete without a girl' which is absolute rubbish obviously and at least I could call her out on it as she was my mum but people have very strange ideas of the 'perfect' family and don't recognise that its their own issues they are projecting onto others - enjoy your family and ignore these comments

It’s fair enough to think it so long as you don’t voice it, because I feel the same about people deciding to have more than one. Why wasn’t their first child good enough for them? If they actually love their child why did they need to have another? My daughter was enough to complete our family, we didn’t need to have more children so that there was enough love in it. She will never have to feel she wasn’t enough for us.

But I accept that’s rude and judgemental so don’t say it to people either.

I only ever get this from people with multiply kids who are in the trenches with them and want company for their misery to justify how they feel about it being shit, and want everyone to also be having a shit time because children HAVE to have siblings. People who are happy with their lot never comment.

I think there's a large degree of truth in that. It was certainly the same type of person who seemed to be personally offended I was happily childfree by choice who seemed most deeply pissed off that I didn't have more than one child.

I concluded that a certain kind of unimaginative person, possibly one who doesn't think deeply about their own choices, but drifts along doing things their peers are doing because 'it's just normal, isn't it?', is vastly annoyed at being reminded, by other people choosing differently, that their life choices are just that -- choices. That it's not actually compulsory to sleepwalk into marrying whoever is in your vicinity when you hit 25 and become a SAHM to three children. Other choices are available.

Who is saying horrible things? I’m an only, I’m also the daughter and the mother of an only. Hold your head up high.

@luckylavender it’s other mums, never had my own family ask or friends, just other mums in same neighbour hood or school

And thank you @LateQuartet. I feel I have t just been a sheep and lived my life based on what my peers do. I have my own mind!

Horrible, abusive brother here too. The dream of happy, supportive siblings is just that in many cases.

Nope.

Lots of reasons why people only want one child.

I actually know people with more than one child who suffered from secondary fertility so couldn't have the family size they wanted.

They are just justifying their own decision to have more than one.

To be fair apart from a healthcare professional the only other people who have asked me did so because I was kind to their own children and showed I liked them. There as the more aware people know me better 😂

Totally ignore them OP! Your family sounds lovely. In my opinion, some people just can’t help themselves but to pass comment on something. I have three, which also invites criticism. I imagine that some people can even find fault to pick if you have the MN Standard of two (one boy and one girl, obviously). The fact that I had that and then ruined it all by having another is extremely vexing to some. 😂

I always say when asked that I got a brilliant one first time so I didn't need to keep trying for a good one

I have had MAJOR old child guilt over the years. My son is 6. His sister was still born in 2017 at full term so whilst he looks like an only, technically he isn’t. I haven’t had any negative comments from any mothers, especially my mam friends as they all know about my daughter but I’ve had questions from strangers in the park etc, with pitying “awwws” when I say he’s an only child (because I’m not going to go into detail of my stillborn daughter with strangers) but one woman kept on, so I said, well he had got a sister but she’s dead so you can imagine it’s been a very stressful few years.
That shut her up.
Im 44 now, and I am far too tired to contemplate another.
He’s got a great little life, lovely friends and we (family) all worship him, so I think he’ll be ok!☺️

People are strange... and damn rude!

"she had nobody to play with during Covid"
She had her parents to play with!!!

Why not? I'm an only, it's completely normal to me. I've never felt lonely and I enjoy being on my own. I find the idea of having a sibling quite odd and when visiting friends with siblings, was always relieved going back home to our quiet house.

Hopefully my son feels the same. Many of my friends only have one (either by choice or secondary infertility) so it's pretty unremarkable.

It is inconsiderate and cruel
at least it gives you an immediate heads up this this person is one to avoid!

have you ever found yourself fibbing in answer and saying you have two OP?

I did think about trying for another incase anything happens to my only but I realised that was bat shit. Pregnancy took a while to achieve, did not agree with my mental health and I became single parent at 18 months. I don't want to go back to them dark days.

That's shit that people comment this way. FWIW, I think it's a load of bollocks, sone of the luckiest and happiest DC I know have no siblings. I had a second when ds was 9. There are positives and negatives but I definitely don't see being an only child as a negative for the child. I'd never put dd back of course but I wonder if DS's life would be easier/better if I hadn't had her. It's swings and roundabouts and I wonder if some people comment because they're trying to convince themselves they did "the right thing".