Anyone else think that siblings are overrated?

[Anonforthisparticularpost]

I am probably one and done. One thing I frequently see posted on MN, is people saying that they had a second child so the first child would "have other family" once they and their partner are gone.

I think this is nice if it happens, but it's an overly optimistic and romanticised view of sibling relationships as adults.

I have a brother, and he adds very little to my life, not in a nasty way, but in a practical sense. As an adult, I may as well be an only child.

Our parents have always taken great pains to treat us equally, so there's no golden child scenario to create a sibling rift, nor has there ever been a dramatic falling out, my brother just doesn't really give a toss about staying in touch with me.

I am a couple of years older, and we got on as kids until he hit his early teens, when he decided to reject all things academic. His choice, and it's fair enough, but it has meant that he and I have had very different lives and interests since then.

As adults, he has never contacted me to keep in touch, so texts to maintain any semblance of a sibling relationship always come from me, and he just generally can't be arsed.

He's now moved with his partner to a country in Southeast Asia, and doesn't have any interest in asking about his nephew (my toddler DS), or in keeping in touch with me unless I message him.

This context makes me scoff a bit when people say I should have a second DC to guarantee a lifelong family member and companion for my DS.

Looking at three generations of horrible, serious fall outs (law suits etc.) between siblings in my family... yes, they are overrated. Not sure how close mine will be in later life either, just so different and one with SEN who is not terribly interested in relationships.

I've always been close to my DB and and very grateful to have him. My own adult DC are close and also get on with their cousins.

Slblings have always been important to me and very valued in my family 🥰

You don’t need to denigrate other people’s values or ideas, to justify your own.

It’s okay to have only one child, for whatever or no reason. Other people will or won’t disagree with you. That’s all there is to it. There’s nothing else.

You don’t sound 100% sure of your decision to stick to one. Look to yourself, and your family unit for the answers. Not outside. It will be your responsibility and your privilege, whatever you choose.

Confirmation Bias

I don’t have a lot of contact with most of my siblings in adulthood, no falling out but we all live some distance apart and none of us are great at remembering to call or message. However, they hugely enriched my childhood. Most of my favourite childhood memories involve at least one of my siblings.

One’s enough for us. My son loves playing with his cousin, so I can see know a sibling relationship would benefit him. And take the pressure off me, with the constant “mummy, mummy, mummy”.

But, every other aspect of an only child works for us. Don’t known how DS will feel about it when he’s older. He’s very social, extroverted personality & makes friends easily. So, at least he has that.

My siblings have been extremely nasty my entire life and I sincerely hope to never lay eyes on them again.

I agree. I can't remember the last time I saw my brother, it'll be a several years, we speak maybe yearly on the phone and do Christmas/Birthday cards, but that's it. We've never fallen out, but just have nothing in common, and once we'd both left home, we never kept in touch.

Both our parents were "only ones" and were adamant they wanted two children so their children wouldn't go through the loneliness etc. which is a bit of a laugh really as, even as children living at home, we had our own friends, interests, etc., and seldom hung out together.

Because our parents were only ones, we had no uncles, aunts, cousins, etc., so were are pretty insular/isolated family, so we've never known big social family gatherings etc.

Our son is an only one, (not through choice), and he's turned out fine, lots of friends, good qualifications, good job, lots of interests, etc., so it's not bothered him either.

I'm glad to have my brother and sister in my life. Perhaps that's why I want a sibling for my son. Makes sense that someone who hasn't had a good sibling relationship will feel the opposite. You only know what you know yourself!

It's funny because I've always thought/found the opposite- that brother/sister combinations work the best because of lack of competition or rivalry.

My brother has always been a best friend of mine (and I adore SIL) and my friends with opposite-sex siblings seem to have an equally relaxed unfractious relationship 🥰

I can't think of anything worse than being or having an only. Don't belittle people who make different choices to you.

Surely you are wanting to believe this, and have others agree in order to support your decision to be 'one and done'?

I am very close to my brother, not so close to my sister. So many variables, including personalities and life choices, you really can't generalise.

My 4 siblings and I have a very close relationship. So do my dh and his 3 siblings. My children also love and support one another. I am very glad I had more than one child.

I am not "wanting to believe it", it's my reality. My own sibling adds nothing to my life because he has no interest in maintaining a sibling relationship.

Given that depriving my child of this supposedly wonderful sibling bond is the main reason people criticise me for being one and done, I was interested to find out how many other people have crap or underwhelming relationships with their adult siblings. Based on the comments, it seems to be about 50/50.

Who are these people criticising? Just ignore them surely and do what you want?

@blacknredsweeties I am one and done by choice, but you may want to think how your post could come across to someone with secondary infertility. "Nothing worse" is a ridiculous statement.

So is overrated

That's your choice. It doesn't make "siblings are overrated" an actual thing. Other people have different opinions, and make different choices.

I have two sisters and we’re very close. They are a huge support to me & we have fun together, so no I don’t think siblings are overrated. What a weird thing to say.

Nothing worse than not having siblings?
What a very charmed life you must have.

@Squirrelsnut

I wouldn't say that.

I never minded being an only child when I was a child - but it’s something I’ve found increasingly difficult as an adult. Agree that you can’t guarantee any sibling bonds - but when they do exist, there’s nothing like them (or it seems that way to me from the outside, anyway). So I’m glad that my kids will have a shot at that. But - ultimately - everyone’s situation has pros and cons; we all just have to try to make the best of what we have!

Sometimes life just happens that way. It’s not always down to choice. Where I come from, it was not unusual for women to have 20 babies. I’m not sure a lot of those women would sign up for it today… Having children is a biological thing, reality. Not necessarily a lifestyle choice, as presented nowadays.

I am very close with my only sibling, my brother. We support each other a lot, and we have so much fun! He is my brother and also one of my best friends.

But I also know that not all siblings are close like that. Some siblings hate each other.
And I also know that some people are unable to have more than one child.
And many families wish to be a "one child-family" for different reasons. And it's all OK.

I have very little to do with my brothers, and will have no reason to stay in touch once our DParents are gone. It's partly a question of parental favouritism having poisoned the well right from the beginning, and partly a question of brothers not really bothering with their families of origin as PPs have said.

In our case, the favouritism has been multi-generational and has effectively stopped the DC having a relationship with their cousins. No great loss though, as DB1's kids are much younger, live far away and aren't well behaved.