Tea Room the Nineteenth

[amberlight]

All in need of a restful break and a chat are more than welcome to the nineteenth Tea Room.

We find ourselves in the South of France, where the warm sunshine is just the thing for those who are missing the summer. The tea room has its aga and its distressed chintz sofa...and its potted plants. The usual fictional tea room inhabitants are here, as ever: Mellors, the gardener/handyperson with the handy ways with massage; the collection of tea room animals including the horses, camel, bison, guineapigs and sundry others; the Bishops and other faith leaders who joined us a while back and potter in for the occasional cuppa. It may not make sense, but that's not important. What matters is the lovely people here and the chance to just relax.

I found a few online, thank you, Scout. If you have any ideas, though, I'd always welcome them!

Reindeer are fun, easy, not expensive and are cute....

And not necessarily for Christmas Craft Fair ideas, but I thought you might find this site useful, small. I used it a lot as a Daisy and Brownie leader, but still find myself going to it for Guides and Seniors.

Mmmm, I like sherry.

Scout, coming back from holiday is always bad when it comes to bedtime. Is it in any way nice to be back here?

16 degrees centigrade would not really be very chilly; 16 degrees fahrenheit would be well below zero. (I think). Which is it???

16 degrees C is when our heating clicks OFF as the hall is then warm enough. 14 degrees is where the house is at temp wise while boy and I are home during teh day. house gets down to 12ish if no on is in all day.

Hey, check out teh teeny tiny dungerees teh NMBS have crafted from felt. don;t they look cute.

Chocolate marshmallow brownies are on offer...

scoffs a brownie and sups her pint.

Stick another log on the fire would you please Mellors.

House is normally around 14-ish. But I was absolutely bloody freezing so put it up 2 degrees (C not F). We're on an end terrace, facing a valley (on our three free sides) of "green space" and we get the harsh East Anglia winds. My kitchen, on it's two free sides, are all windows/glass doors, with a tile floor -- it was so bloody cold I could feel it through my socks & slippers. I was worried about BabyScout crawling around, etc. And we had the heat off while we were away and I'm not convinced it's back "warmer" in here. BBRRrrrrr!

My bed is nice!

Seriously, I do like my life here. But I miss my parents (and siblings) like crazy. I have friends in the States, but not many where I'm from. Most of my friends "back home" are of my mom's generation or transplants so I don't necessarily get to see them over Thanksgiving because they're at their parents' in other parts of the country. I have friends in other parts of the US through various things (Girl Scouts, my four years in Minnesota, uni in the opposite side of the state). I have friends here, too, and like at home, mixed generations. But in a lot of ways I've found (lately) I'm very lonely. I didn't feel lonely at home, even if no one was around.

I'll just feel sorry for myself for a while, then get back into the swing of life again.

Would anyone care for Hot Chocolate with French Vanilla (snowman-shaped) Marshmallows?

Oh dear, Scout. Do you need to find a few more local friends? (Says she whose best friends all live 50+ miles away). I do remember how isolating it can be being at home full-time with an adorable but non-verbal toddler.

I'd love a hot chocolate but will pass on the marshmallow.

Well, I never had any in my town because I worked "away" (ye ol' Uni town then L-town). And most people here are born-and-bred and very chavtastic. My friends are in the village I do Guides in or further afield in ye ol' university town/univ town county. I go to a lot of baby groups here to get out, but more and more find myself only talking to BabyScout or the people running the activity as I have nothing in common with the other people or they ignore all my efforts of small-chat because they come with their friends.

I don't want to give up/cut back on Guides because it helps keep me sane, but I can't actually continue to do it with BabyScout getting bigger/needing his bed and with MrScout working away. So yes, I agree small, I need friends.

I spent most of my life with few and often different friends. I am astonished now to find I have two good friends in two adjacent villages. These are both through Wriggle - maybe you will meet more condusive people as BabyScout gets older?

I've had friends come and go and accept that's part of life. I think what I'm missing is a few close (local) friends -- you know the type, the ones you who ask "how are you" and really want to know.

Hello friends who may be feeling cold or lonely
our heating is set to 16/17 which makes me feel very profligate but also warm!

Scout - I think you are in the throes of full-on homesickness, without perhaps even realising it - a bit like people get PND but don't always realise it. It can be very insidious - you think your life is going along nicely and there is no real reason why you should feel at a loss - but you do. And I think, for me anyway, that it is a loss of easy access to the familiar. There is much about Australia that I enjoy; but when I hear about one of my best friends having her first baby, and I know that I can't get to see it until it will be at least 6mo, it turns a small knife in my heart.

I am lucky - I have local friends but they are not yet so close that if something bad or sad happened, I could call them up and have a good weep. Or even if I was just feeling down in the dumps - we're still at the "jolly friends" stage, iykwim.
I am also very lucky that most people I am friends with have experience of England and missing people - so they understand when I am a bit blue about stuff. Can you find some fellow countrymen or women to talk to? Maybe there's an American Society or something? don't know, perhaps an American Expats forum? You might find a kindred spirit in the locale!

Will put cake pics up shortly. In t'other place, not here.

Scout- get thee to a guide meeting ASAP. but before that wrap yourself round a large quantity of chocolate or similar AND Mr Scout. WOn't stop teh home sickness but might make you a tad happier about something.

Hot choc with a candy cane for anybody?

My jobs list for tomorrow is bit daunting. AND In laws arrive late afternoon so I have a dead line. Do tick me off if you see me here too much tomorrow. I have my escape stratagem for parts of weeekend planned. just trying to persuade DH that's not toooo rude of me to go and celebrate a friends birthday in teh pub tomorrow night, along with being a helper at teh preschool thing on saturday and working all day sunday.

The sunday work only came in today. Apparently 2 companies each thought the other had booked me for a project they are doing jointly... actually neither had. LUCKILY for them I needed to drop some equipment back to one of the companies concerned and said " you what" when the boss asked if I had a start time for sunday....

We could always meet up sometime Scout, if you'd like...

Urk - this cough is now a flu-thingy with full-on shivering and feeling achey.

Oma throws a duvet, while staying out of breathing distance. You poor darling

Having a lazy (cold!) Mommy day -- heat up a bit, still in our pjs, watching tv with blankets and books and toys. Have decided I don't care and we (BabyScout) need and deserve it.

Sorry to intrude... I'm new here , and I wondered if I could pick (?peck) your brains on something, please?

I'm in a very sad lonely place at the moment. We have an adorable DD aged 7. We had been ttc#2, but after a miscarriage a few weeks ago, DH has now got cold feet, and I don't think it's ever going to happen. He was pretty ambivalent about it in the first place, to be honest. It just feels like such an irreconcilable difference of opinion, and I don't know where we go from here. As far as I can work out, we're going to end up with a family consisting of:
(a) DD, sad DMum (me), content DH, unhappy marriage
(b) DD, DC#2, content DMum, unhappy DH, unhappy marriage
(c) unhappy DD, unhappy DMum, no marriage
(Far too simplistic of course, because once one person in a family is unhappy, the rest could easily follow.)

DD is my world and I don't want her to be unhappy (c). I feel I have no control over exactly how unhappy DH would be if we had another DC (b). So, trying to make a complicated problem simple, it looks as if the only one I will have any control over to salvage happy family/marriage is (a). That is going to require an awful lot of restructuring of my mindset, in order to get over the gut-wrenching disappointment of not having the opportunity of having another child. To complicate matters further, DD has said she would really like a brother or sister.

I'm aware people have single-child families for all sorts of reasons, and some of these are positive choices, and some aren't. My question to you is this: does anyone who has been through anything remotely similar have any advice for readjusting expectations, banishing the yearning for another child, and finding happiness eventually?

I think DD is doing fine as an only child at present. I think my wish for another comes partly for selfish reasons, and partly so that she has someone to share the potential burden of 2 ageing parents eventually, and a close family member to turn to when we are no longer here.

Thanks for listening.

Hello Ostrich and you are very very welcome here you are in the right place for such questions

We are all here with different family building stories and experiences, some of us have more than one child, some not. I have one DS who is 4. I have never suffered the trauma of m/c because for me it was difficult to fall pregnant at all

So my general view is yes, it is always possible to find happiness. Even in the hardest of circumstances. But it may not come easily and it may not come straight away. You have only just suffered the trauma of m/c - a few weeks is a very short period of time to decide upon your entire family future. I would suggest you take it easy on yourself and your DH and your DD. Let some time pass, let some healing happen. Have as lovely a christmas/ new year/ break as you can all muster wihtout thinking about the bigger picture (easier said than done)
I am not saying you should not think about family building, but simply that I think now is far too close to the m/c to make full on future decision - for any of you
xx

Hello Ostrich. Would you like some cake?

I am so sorry for your miscarriage.

My situation is in many ways similar to Oxeye's. Although I'd never thought about it very much (as from the age of twelve I had vowed I would never marry or have children) once I did marry I kind-of-asssumed we would have the regulation 2.4. We ended up with one, in circumstances where we were extremely fortunate to have her.

Oxeye's advice is excellent. All I would add to it is that time does change things, because it lends a perspective that is impossible to find when still feeling shell-shocked by recent events.

I would be wary too of falling into the pattern of thinking that your daughter needs a sibling to be a tower of support in later life. If you did have another child, there could be an age gap of 8 or 9 years. That, especially if the younger child were a boy, may well mean that however cordial their relationship it wouldn't necessarily be a very close one.

There have been some threads in the past from people in similar situations to yours, with lack of agreement between partners about having or not having another child. Have you seen those? You might also get more replies if you start a separate thread, but please stick around here too.

Hi Ostrich. Well, I have a 4yr old ds who will be an only due to the multiple miscarriages I had before him, and we don't want to go there again. We are very happy though.

As Oxeye says, you are very close to the mc now, and it does amplify every emotion.

A sibling does not mean support in caring for parents, or someone to share things with , so I think its important to only think about you and dh