My child is a biter and is becoming an issue

[Motherofflower]

My 2 year old daughter has been going to nursery since she was 9 months old. Last month she transferred from the baby room into the toddler room. Everyday nearly when she is there I have incident reports and handovers collecting her with staff telling me she bites. Shes been known to bite other kids. Her father and I are constantly on the ball when she tries to bite that biting is not nice and trying to tell her gentle hands is nicer. We constantly tell staff we are constantly on the ball with tackling the biting issue.

For context my fiance/daughters Dad is a professional wrestler and our daughter has gone to watch some of his matches. On average we will go to watch him once a month. This is something for later.

Today because Im at work there has been another biting incident at the nursery and her Dad has had to pick her up at normal collecting time. Its once again been an issue with sharing and she has bit the kid. Now staff havent told us if its a specific kid or different kids she is biting. However, today when hes gone to pick her up hes told me staff have tried to hint that her watching her Dad's wrestling matches are the reason shes biting. Hes a little upset from it.

Her biting at home has not happened for 2 weeks plus now but its still happening all the time at nursery. Whats the next best thing to do? Im constantly telling staff we are working on it, but its not getting better while she it at nursery and sadly staff are also saying the other kids dont want to play with her and asking if she plays with other kids. She is an only child but does have play dates and goes to community play events when she doesnt have nursery. Its heartbreaking to hear and it might be just how we are interpreting it but it feels like we are being accused we arent doing enough, although we constantly tell her about biting and how it isnt kind. Shes also never bit another child when shes been with me and/or her Dad.

Im tempted to ask for a formal chat to go over everything. Whats the best course of action?

I don't think that your young DD should be watching any wrestling matches, never mind ones that her dad is participating in. At the very least she will be confused.

I work in a childcare setting where one child was biting other children but never staff.. to the point where the child would leap and bite a baby that was crawling on their back and then their faces… we had to reduce their timetable and eventually it got better but every child that was bitten or had seen the bites was petrified and wouldn’t go near them and everytime she tried to be kind they’d cry so it does happen no matter how much intervention you put in place. I witnessed one staff member have a baby in their arms seen the biter go to bite and practically had to bend herself in half holding child to stop the bite happening.

In my opinion, although take it with a pinch of salt as I'm not a child psychologist, saying kind/gentle hands is confusing for young children. Our appendages don't have emotions. We do.

Saying kind hands makes as much sense as saying angry legs to them.

You need to work with nursery to find out why the biting is happening. Is she overstimulated, understimulated, in pain, tired, hungry, stimming, testing cause and effect?

If you dont know why it's happening you won't be able to stop it. She isn't developmentally ready to tell you why, so it needs careful observation from the adults around her to work out what happens before a bite attempt so they can make sure those triggers are reduced.

I was thinking it maybe a possibility and Im wanting to trial her not seeing her Dad wrestle at all.

I wouldn’t be shocked if the wrestling was causing this, at least in part. It’s sending very difficult mixed messages to her. I’m actually quite surprised you’ve allowed her to see that tbh.

They may ask for a meeting eventually that’s what we did with our parents the managers put a wellbeing plan in place and followed it. We also kept an eye out for triggers but there tended to be none.

I would ask for a meeting and then you can talk and see what they can do to help and what not. I also think a nursery aged child shouldn’t be watching wrestling they won’t be able to separated what's real and what isn’t and it’s not age appropriate

Absolutely this. Can you see how this looks to a child who is unable to understand what’s happening.

Can you work with nursery to unpick this?

I wouldn't take them to watch wrestling at that age but at the same time I think this is just a phase that some DCs go through. There have always been biters in both of my DCs nurseries.

And you don't bite with your hands either - kids are quite logical, she won't see any connection between her hands and biting.

Have you tried any type of discipline when she bites at home? What do they do at nursery when she bites?

My DD used to bite other kids when she was a toddler. At the time (15 years ago) someone said because they don't have the language to communicate their frustration. She grew out of it.

We used to say 'No!' firmly, and remove her from wherever we were e.g. leave the soft play, leave the toddler group, to teacher her that actions have consequences.

This, I’m afraid. He can be upset all he wants but your husband has to be realistic, and do what is right for his daughter, not just what feels good for him. She is a small child, why did you think that would be appropriate for her?
Also, personally, I’m not sure ‘gentle / kind hands’ is much cop. It’s just a bit feeble when biting has nothing to downth hands anyway. My son had a very short biting phase, I came down hard on it, a very sharp ‘no, we do not bite!’ then removed him from wherever we were (toddler group, soft play etc)

You tell her to use gentle hands and that's the opposite to what she sees when watching her dad wrestling.

It must be very confusing for her, she's much too you to watch wrestling , she will see it as fighting .

Children's brains are so influenced by their environment. Watching something like her dad wrestling must do something to her fight or flight responses. She's just not old enough to understand it's a sport.

I tend to agree with pp's - it's difficult to argue for kind hands (which I think is pretty meaningless to a very young child) when she sees her dad apparently knocking lumps out of other people.

A lot of children go through a biting phase, so it's not unusual - but I do think it would be better if she didn't see wrestling at such a young age, even for a little while until she's older. What do the nursery want to do re this behaviour? Just do your approach is consistent. I'd be more inclined to go for a much firmer 'no, no biting' and removing her if you're not able to stop her in time before she does it.

No but if once a month you see (through a child's eyes) your dad fighting. It probably heightens your own fight or flight response.

Very mixed messages for a 2 year old that Daddy can be aggressive but she can't. Think you have to practice what you preach. Witnessing 1 violent fight must be terrifying for a toddler let alone repeat events

Kids bite sometimes, it's awful for both the biters parents and the DC who are being bitten/parents of. I used to work with a toddler who bit, we had to give him as much 1 to 1 as we could, but even then it happened sometimes as he was so quick!

His issue was sharing, he didn't like other people in his space but he didn't have the speech to say no, it was quicker to get his point across with a bite. He also didn't have the understanding to remember the consequences for next time, but it came eventually.

What is your DD's speech/communication like? It could be happening at nursery rather then home as she doesn't have to fight for attention/toys at home so she doesn't need to bite there, but feels she does at nursery as there are other children involved.

It’s quite a normal stage of development at this age. It can be a sign of frustration. How does she communicate?
Does she have a good bond with her key person?
I would absolutely agree that a wresting ring is not an appropriate place for a young child. Aside from her seeing physical contact sport, I just can’t imagine that it’s the kind of environment a child should be exposed to. I’m surprised there isn’t a minimum age limit.

Saying ‘kind hands’ to a bitey toddler is absolutely pointless. She needs to be sharply told ‘NO’ and removed immediately. Stern face and your body language needs to convey how serious you feel. Biting is really painful and she needs to know you are very cross about it.

When shes tried to bite Ive usually managed to intervene before shes actually managed to do it and Ive got down to her level and said "No biting." Ive even mimicked biting myself and or her Dad and said no biting. Shes seen it and got sad from it. So it looks like she understands but obviously she's only 2 so I know shes still learning in some ways. In terms of punishment Ive gently said no biting but if she tries again instantly I say no and walk away from her. She usually follows after me cuddles me and says sorry.

Have you tried a social story? Teeth are for eating...not for biting, teeth are for smiling...not for biting, etc. with pictures.

It's a phase, it's awful, but she'll grow out of it eventually.

I don't really see the problem with the wrestling, although I can see I'm in the minority. Why would seeing wrestling make her want to bite people? Kids are used to very physical interactions and at 2 they can understand what a game is (or at least mine seems to and is fairly average).

Although I'm picturing fairly sedate grappling rather than WWE-style throwing each other around.

At our nursery they redirect them to stroke each other if they try to hit or bite. So whatever impulse they have for contact has an outlet. Obviously unless the recipient says no.

This is bang on the same thing happening with my daughter. Its usually a kid in her personal space (I know cant be helped) and sharing and biting is her only way of dealing with it.

Rather than walking away from her when she bites, I would remove her from the situation with a short time out - and wouldn't be saying no gently.

This is another thing Im wanting to try with time out. I did get backlash for it because apparently it wasn't appropriate for a 2 year old but at this point what Im doing currently obviously isnt working 🙃 Thanks for the advice!