My child is a biter and is becoming an issue

[Motherofflower]

My 2 year old daughter has been going to nursery since she was 9 months old. Last month she transferred from the baby room into the toddler room. Everyday nearly when she is there I have incident reports and handovers collecting her with staff telling me she bites. Shes been known to bite other kids. Her father and I are constantly on the ball when she tries to bite that biting is not nice and trying to tell her gentle hands is nicer. We constantly tell staff we are constantly on the ball with tackling the biting issue.

For context my fiance/daughters Dad is a professional wrestler and our daughter has gone to watch some of his matches. On average we will go to watch him once a month. This is something for later.

Today because Im at work there has been another biting incident at the nursery and her Dad has had to pick her up at normal collecting time. Its once again been an issue with sharing and she has bit the kid. Now staff havent told us if its a specific kid or different kids she is biting. However, today when hes gone to pick her up hes told me staff have tried to hint that her watching her Dad's wrestling matches are the reason shes biting. Hes a little upset from it.

Her biting at home has not happened for 2 weeks plus now but its still happening all the time at nursery. Whats the next best thing to do? Im constantly telling staff we are working on it, but its not getting better while she it at nursery and sadly staff are also saying the other kids dont want to play with her and asking if she plays with other kids. She is an only child but does have play dates and goes to community play events when she doesnt have nursery. Its heartbreaking to hear and it might be just how we are interpreting it but it feels like we are being accused we arent doing enough, although we constantly tell her about biting and how it isnt kind. Shes also never bit another child when shes been with me and/or her Dad.

Im tempted to ask for a formal chat to go over everything. Whats the best course of action?

My 1st daughter was a biter. It was awful and she did it alot. We are a calm, non shouty house (just because we are so laid back).

We tried everything. How is her speech? Sometimes they bite out of frustration.

What worked well for us in the end is that i carried her favourite toys in my bag, she knew biting was awful and if it happened, she has to say sorry and give the poor recipient of the bite - one of her favourite toys to keep.

Im not sure if this helped as her speech developed the same time but it did start to stop.

Just to reassure you - my daughter is now 18 and the kindest, gentle young lady you could meet.

Happy to dm if you need some support.

I was a biter until my dad almost bit me back. Scared the shit out of me.

My kids have both had biting phases and we found the best thing is a firm “NO!” I think things like “gentle hands” can confuse little biters, because they’re not using their hand - and “gentle teeth” doesn’t have the same ring to it. With DD we think it was more a boundary pushing thing and she was jealous of her new brother. With DS I suspect it’s a bit more complicated, so we also offered him a chew trinket thing. I think for him it’s a combination of he’s seen his sister bite and also sensory seeking behaviour.

Thank you! I appreciate that so much 🙏

Thank you so much! I really appreciate it 🙏

My DD was a prolific biter at that age, she had to wear a special bite necklace and was tag teamed around the nursery. She did eventually grow out of it

Children bite at this age due to frustration or communication difficulties. This is well known. Staff need to watch her like a hawk and remove her or redirect attention before the bite.
Your DD watching her Dad wrestle is likely a completely separate issue and nothing to do with the biting.
Its very common for toddlers to bite. She will grown out of it. But yes it’s embarrassing.

Thanks for the advice everyone, its all been very helpful. I think the gentle approach hasnt worked and being firm/having a time out is the next best thing to do.

In regards to wrestling, she has watched her Dad do it since she was a few months old. I have had thoughts in my head she is at the age to copy and its something she thinks is appropriate for her to do because her Dad does it. Thank you for the advice and I will be removing her from that to alleviate potential influence of her biting.

I am also aware its something a lot of kids her age do but its at a point where I don't want it to be a consistent problem.

This! My poor son was the one bitten at nursery. It was awful seeing tooth marks in his skin. Either be firm or take her out of nursery until she’s over this phase.

My son was a biter out of frustration, we had a mantra in the morning, no hitting not kicking no biting be nice, also reminded him say help please if he's angry, this was reiterated with nursery staff if he bit with them so everyone said the same thing, social stories like teeth are not for biting helped as well. So if he bit he would be told no say help please, read the story together then mantra. He came out of the phase soon enough

So my son is autistic and he was quite physical for the first 4 years of his life.

The only thing that worked was telling him that if he can't be safe around everybody then he would need to be taken out and following through with removing him. This is what a time out looks like for us, it's not a naughty step or corner, it is taking away from the setting in order to change the mindset.

I didn't shout at him, but I was very assertive. We don't do 3 strikes here. It is 1 strike, time away to co regulate and when he is in a listening state I tell him why he has been removed.

You still need to do the work on identifying the triggers or need that is behind the biting. It isn't enough to expect a 2 year old to be accountable.

All this “kind hands” is nonsense. She needs a shock. A loud “we DO NOT bite people” and remove her from the situation.

Better her be a bit surprised/alarmed a few times to stop this behaviour.

My ds was a biter. It was mortifying; I was so relieved when nursery called one day to say there had been a biting incident but he was the one who had been bitten. Great joy.

Honestly, it is a phase and it isn’t a pleasant one and all you can do is try to encourage her not to bite which is hard when you’re not there! When out and about with my ds I used to have to follow him about; it was one of the main reasons I was never really a fan of the church hall type playgroups tbh.

He grew out of it; it peaked around 18-19 months and slowly phased out until his second birthday. There were incidents after that but more isolated and usually linked to eg ear infections (always caused ds to be unpleasant to other children) and the like.

It reads from your first post that the biting started when she changed rooms? I suspect the fact there’s more kids, and more older kids, therefore more noise, more stimulation, more kids in her face snatching the toy she was playing with, etc, etc - normal nursery stuff, but the toddler room is an entirely different ballgame to the baby room and it sounds like she is struggling. Presumably it’s also meant a new key worker? I would be expecting the nursery to be doing more to manage this change for her as she is clearly struggling with it (although I note they seem to want to transfer responsibility over to your partner’s wrestling).

How is her communication more generally? I would try and find ways to get her to feel more secure at nursery and to communicate her needs better - building a strong relationship to all the new staff in the new room. I would also be much firmer with her when/if she bites at home or when out with you. As others have said, it is a phase, and it will pass, but I think it sounds like more could be done to help support her

Def shouldn’t be watching daddy fight /wrestle

kind hands doesn’t work

needs a firm no. That hurts. Ouch. Etx

To remove from area. or walk away an say I don’t want to be near you if you hurt me/others

sadly sometimes they need to be bitten theirselves to know the pain and obv you shouldnt bite her - but I’ve known parents bit back as at end of tether an it stopped and child didn’t like it (surprise)

or thy get bitten by another child at nursery theirselves and it stops

A 2 year old watching her father wrestle- madness!

This is a great book. I don't think you should just say it's not nice. You need to be more shocked and angry if she bites you.

Personally, I doubt the wrestling is the cause of the biting specifically. Quite a few kids go through biting phases, and almost none of those are watching wrestling. Biting/using your mouth etc, hitting, pushing, pinching.. it all happens, and it doesn't normally come from watching wrestling. I've known young boys to come from families where their mums don't expose them to any violence at all, go around pushing and kicking when they are with other kids. It is "somewhat" natural, for many kids who are still learning to communicate and deal with emotions.

In a way I feel a bit sorry for her dad because I feel like he will feel that he is getting the blame for this,

But then on the other hand, while I am very skeptical of the wrestling being the cause for the biting specifically, in generally I don't think it is at all suitable for a 2 year old, especially if her dad is involved. Very confusing thing to see, and way way to violent. My partner enjoyed professional wrestling as a kid, and I know my son would love it, but at 5 - I still think he is too young, and we are going to wait a few years..

For the biting, treat it like any other physical thing. A combination of harsh and soft. Harsh reaction immediately after (hard if it happens at kindergarten) so she associates it with a direct negative consequence... and then soft explanations/emotional development later. Get bed-time story books about biting/being kind, discuss it, role-play it, etc. It might take a while though for that combination to actually get through, 2 is still very young.

How is her speech and understanding? We went through this with my toddler, probably not as often as your child but often enough to dread the phone calls from nursery, it’s very stressful and frustrating so I feel for you. The thing that helped us was teaching him what to do instead of hitting or biting, gentle hands was just not working when he was frustrated so we taught him to shout “I’m angry” to alert us that he was getting frustrated and needed help regulating. I know shouting isn’t ideal but it’s better than biting and it’s a way for him to communicate and express his frustration. When he shouts “I’m angry” I go over and tell him he’s a good boy and I’m proud of him for telling me and we try and resolve whatever the issue is together. It works a bit like this…

“well done DS for telling mummy your angry, are you upset because you want that toy? Why don’t you play with this while we wait for your turn” big cuddles

It’s worked amazingly well!

Whilst the nursery cannot tell you which child has been bitten they absolutely can, and should, tell you if your child is biting multiple children or one specific child because the strategies to deal with it (and possibly reasons behind it) can be very different.

You need to know if your DD is reacting badly to a particular child - when my DD went through a biting stage the nursery let me believe it was multiple children, only when I was approached by an, understandably, upset parent did I discover that my DDs 8 biting incidents had been aimed at the one child. Within a few days it became apparent that it was one child in one specific part of the nursery and eventually I clicked why (not in a way that made it ok, but realised what was triggering it).

You need to know if it’s multiple children or one, is it always at the same time or day or different, and always around the same activity or different.

I wouldn't take a toddler to essentially watch fighting. That may be causing the problem.

I'm one of those terrible people who gets tsked at, because when my two kids went through a bitey stage with me, after several firm 'no biting, that hurts' attempts, removing my attention, and trying social stories, and getting nowhere...I just bit back (firmly, but not enough to properly hurt), and said, 'see, it's not very nice, is it?'

And for both of them, they stopped immediately after that. I honestly don't think they'd realised it hurt people until it was done to them!

However you deal with it, though, I don't think watching her dad doing professional wrestling is a great idea at this age, though. It'll be confusing her.

This.

OP needs to be firmer which she clearly is not. The child should also NOT be watching wrestling at that age.

The wrestling isn't causing the problem, unless she's wrestling in association with the biting, but it's not a suitable event to bring a toddler to all the same.

Gentle hands, etc isn't going to cut it when it comes to biting, I'm afraid.

Biting is an intense sensory experience that becomes a really problematic habit. It can go hand in hand with autism and ADHD in toddlers. You would be very wise to take your child to OT to try to identify the cause and to work on breaking the habit.

With the best will in the world, and despite being fully staffed, no nursery can hope to keep a biter from biting, even with one on one care from an eagle eyed worker. Biting can occur in the blink of an eye.

However, you might like to investigate a less busy and stressful environment than the toddler room of a nursery. Child:caregiver ratios are simply never enough in that environment, regardless of what the law says, and toddler rooms are chaotic/ noisy/ buzzing with unpredictable peers at the best of times - very hard for ND children to navigate.

As an aside, back in my dad's youth, one of his sisters used to bite, and what cured her was being bitten back. Possibly very drastic, but my aunt went on to live a happy and peacefu life.

No 'tsking' from me.

My eldest has gone through a biting phase recently and we got a book called “teeth are not for biting”. There’s something about books that seems to work for our kid. It’s like if mummy and daddy say it, it doesn’t count, but from a book it’s community knowledge and she just wants to fit in.