My child is a biter and is becoming an issue

[Motherofflower]

My 2 year old daughter has been going to nursery since she was 9 months old. Last month she transferred from the baby room into the toddler room. Everyday nearly when she is there I have incident reports and handovers collecting her with staff telling me she bites. Shes been known to bite other kids. Her father and I are constantly on the ball when she tries to bite that biting is not nice and trying to tell her gentle hands is nicer. We constantly tell staff we are constantly on the ball with tackling the biting issue.

For context my fiance/daughters Dad is a professional wrestler and our daughter has gone to watch some of his matches. On average we will go to watch him once a month. This is something for later.

Today because Im at work there has been another biting incident at the nursery and her Dad has had to pick her up at normal collecting time. Its once again been an issue with sharing and she has bit the kid. Now staff havent told us if its a specific kid or different kids she is biting. However, today when hes gone to pick her up hes told me staff have tried to hint that her watching her Dad's wrestling matches are the reason shes biting. Hes a little upset from it.

Her biting at home has not happened for 2 weeks plus now but its still happening all the time at nursery. Whats the next best thing to do? Im constantly telling staff we are working on it, but its not getting better while she it at nursery and sadly staff are also saying the other kids dont want to play with her and asking if she plays with other kids. She is an only child but does have play dates and goes to community play events when she doesnt have nursery. Its heartbreaking to hear and it might be just how we are interpreting it but it feels like we are being accused we arent doing enough, although we constantly tell her about biting and how it isnt kind. Shes also never bit another child when shes been with me and/or her Dad.

Im tempted to ask for a formal chat to go over everything. Whats the best course of action?

It sounds like she gets overwhelmed from people in her space. Hopefully the nursery staff are helping her to protect the toy/activity she is playing to give her less reason to react while helping her share the space. Biting is pretty common in younger two year olds and a form of communication. If she is nearly three I’d be more concerned about other development needs such as speech and language/ other SEN.

@mathanxiety thats barking mad to be honest: it’s a perfectly normal developmental stage for some toddlers. Yes if they’re still doing it post three I’d be concerned but 18 - 24 months is absolute peak for this sort of thing.

And biting back is just horrible. I’ve certainly been overwhelmed and frustrated as a mum and said things I didn’t mean and feel so bad about but biting a baby??

Or me

my reply above said I’ve known parents to do it

my daughter never bit but if she did , I would have done the same as you if tried other ways and still bit

they need to know it hurts

too many parents are too soft

My granny bit me back when I bit her as a toddler - I still remember it well.

Did it stopme biting again? Did it heck. I didn't link my biting to the pain from my granny biting me.

Too many parents are too idiotic and don't understand how children's brains develop.

Biting isn’t a stage or normal. She watches her dad be violent and then you tell her to use ‘gentle hands’. Time to parent better. No more watching violence and no more gentle parenting. Take responsibility and control of your child’s behaviour.

Odd, it worked for both of mine. They both had a bitey stage, and with each of them I tried what felt like everything else first - but a bite that made them uncomfortable while still not 'hurting' them was the thing that immediately worked. But then they clearly were capable of understanding, unlike you.

Not sure what's idiotic about that.

no idea when she is biting why you be talking about kind hands!!!!!
sounds like your parenting style is not working, watching fight etc and no clear boundaries, your child will become the child every parent at the nursery is talking about unless you change your ways.

Just do me a favour and have a cursory google of ‘toddler biting.’ I’ve started you off.

There are ways to teach it hurts without biting them back.

Apart from anything else, what’s the relative size of you to a two year old? My two year old is sat on my lap and I can’t believe anyone would recommend biting or hitting or harming her; she’s tiny

Our DS had a bitey phase but luckily only at home not at nursery. He would do it when he got excited/overstimulated. Because we knew the trigger, we could intervene before he did it and offer him something else to bite instead, and that fixed the problem, e.g. 'DS, do you want to bite me?' 'Yes' 'Well, you can't bite me but you can bite this towel.'

I think the nursery in this OP sound like they're being a bit rubbish to be honest. At our nursery, you could be talking to a staff member and they'd break off to say 'hang on, those three little girls are all a bit close together' and go and move them before any biting happened.

To be fair to the nursery, it can happen very quickly: even when I was 1-1 with DS there were a couple of occasions where I was stood at the wrong angle for a grab (thankfully ‘only’ a push / shove not a bite but still.)

I will admit DS was a complete thug as a toddler. I’m just relieved he grew out of it. It is horrible for the child on the receiving end and for the parent as well; it really upset me when i used to collect ds and be told there had been ‘another’ incident. I read so much on toddler biting and the main takeaways were to make a fuss of the victim (not sure this was effective for us!) firm ‘no, biting hurts, we don’t bite’ and praising positive behaviour when seen.

My thug is now five and is a lovely boy and for the most part quite gentle with younger children, although still very energetic and filled with exuberance and zest for life. He did grow out of it, the most important thing is to try to reduce the opportunities he had to do it.

To those who advocate biting back, yes it may be a "natural" approach like how a mother dog will gently bite a mouthy puppy, but if a member of staff at a nursery bit a child they would quite rightly be reported to the safeguarding authorities. So not a sensible approach for a biting at nursery situation.

(Strange how it's often "if they bite, bite them back" but less "if they hit, hit them back"...)

I think a lot of the biters would have no hesitation in hitting as well. Absolutely awful.

This - she doesn’t get that wrestling is a farce not to be taken seriously - it’s literally showing her looks violence is fun

Stop the wrestling and the kind hands twaddle and tell her in a stern voice NO biting is wrong so no more and say it over and over again.

My DD was a biter at nursery at that age too and she never watched wrestling. She’s a twin as well and her twin never bit anyone. Some kids just do it and need help to regulate their emotions in a different way. She grew out of it and is a wonderful teen now.

that said I wouldnt have let my kids watch wrestling until they were much much older.

I can't believe I'm reading advice to bite a child back.

How on earth is that modelling the behaviour you want them to see?

Isn’t wrestling on late at night? It’s not something for 2 year olds is it?

I would be very firm about saying No to biting and remove her from toys. Dc won’t want to be friends with her.

'Gentle hands' is one of the most ineffective parenting techniques ever invented. As @CrazyCatMam says, a firm 'no' and immediate removal from the situation is called for where biting is concerned.

Biting is common in toddlers (although mine only ever bit me) so it's hard to say for sure whether the wrestling is a factor, but tbh I can't see that anything good would come of a 2 year old watching it at all, let alone her dad doing it. As pp have said, she doesn't have the critical thinking skills yet to understand that it's staged.

No, I don't suppose you do given your poor judgement and obvious lack of critical thinking.

Dear god. Why are you teaching a toddler that physical fighting is fine, by showing her wrestling videos? The fact that it's her father is worse.

As for the biting, I would be shouting at her "No!" - well, maybe not shouting, but a very sharp voice.

And if DC went into nursery with a bite mark and told nursery that Mummy or Daddy did it they would have to report the abuse.

Gracious, look at you go.

Yes, look at me telling you what I think of your poor judgment and ridiculous suggestion that adults should bite 2 year olds.

MN has become extremely adversarial in posts about perfectly standard toddler behaviour in recent years.

I mean if it’s a five year old to be clear biting is still inappropriate but I can see you might come in stronger but biting tends to peak between 18 months and two and a half, and some people think that physical assault is the best way of dealing with it?

Besides, it happens at nursery. The OP is limited in what she can do. All you can do is try stories, reminders. But toddlers are gonna toddle

wrestling seems an odd hobby to share with a baby.

if it’s any consolation though i was kicked out of nursery for being a biter but by school age was a normal/ good student and have subsequently avoided a life of crime.