My child is a biter and is becoming an issue

[Motherofflower]

My 2 year old daughter has been going to nursery since she was 9 months old. Last month she transferred from the baby room into the toddler room. Everyday nearly when she is there I have incident reports and handovers collecting her with staff telling me she bites. Shes been known to bite other kids. Her father and I are constantly on the ball when she tries to bite that biting is not nice and trying to tell her gentle hands is nicer. We constantly tell staff we are constantly on the ball with tackling the biting issue.

For context my fiance/daughters Dad is a professional wrestler and our daughter has gone to watch some of his matches. On average we will go to watch him once a month. This is something for later.

Today because Im at work there has been another biting incident at the nursery and her Dad has had to pick her up at normal collecting time. Its once again been an issue with sharing and she has bit the kid. Now staff havent told us if its a specific kid or different kids she is biting. However, today when hes gone to pick her up hes told me staff have tried to hint that her watching her Dad's wrestling matches are the reason shes biting. Hes a little upset from it.

Her biting at home has not happened for 2 weeks plus now but its still happening all the time at nursery. Whats the next best thing to do? Im constantly telling staff we are working on it, but its not getting better while she it at nursery and sadly staff are also saying the other kids dont want to play with her and asking if she plays with other kids. She is an only child but does have play dates and goes to community play events when she doesnt have nursery. Its heartbreaking to hear and it might be just how we are interpreting it but it feels like we are being accused we arent doing enough, although we constantly tell her about biting and how it isnt kind. Shes also never bit another child when shes been with me and/or her Dad.

Im tempted to ask for a formal chat to go over everything. Whats the best course of action?

My eldest went through a phase of biting, I was trying to be gentle but one time she bit me so hard while my head was close to hers I actually screamed and we banged heads and it scared her, she didn’t do it again! No other suggestions other than she will grow out of it x

You think it's poor judgement. I think it's poor judgement and terrible parenting to let your child bite other children.

And I didn't suggest it. I mentioned that I had tried everything else, and that was what worked for my two. I certainly think one should try everything else first, and hopefully those methods will work.

Happily, mine are teenagers and not at all traumatised by a bite that was enough to startle them and get across the idea that actually, it feels bad to be bitten, and because I kept them away from kindergarten until it was sorted out, they never ran around terrorising other children.

Frankly, I think it's horrible to shrug off your child deliberately injuring and scaring other children like that, and to just hope they grow out of it when all other methods fail. Try actually parenting.

Some kids bite. It’s a common developmental stage.

Nursery need to manage this and protect the other kids. And will grow out of it.

and ignore the absolute lunatic advice to bite your child 😳

No one ‘lets their child bite other children,’ well, maybe they do, but they are in a minority.

During my DS’s reign of terror (!) I

avoided anywhere that was likely to lead to conflict, so playgroups and stay and play type places (we still did groups but structured activities like football or Lingotots - a language - rather than anywhere he was likely to get into a tussle over toys. He can still sing baby shark in Spanish. Apta.)

Avoided soft play at busy times.

followed him around and grabbed him if it looked like he was going to bite or lash out.

Managed things like hunger and thirst. Pain was a biggie - his biting was always worst when he had an ear infection, so calpol helped.

all things you can do

what you don’t do - bite your baby. FFS

i would keep it simple and the same with all adults involved in her car, including nursery
Lots of positives for kind behaviour, being gentle etc
If she bites it’s a firm ‘No biting!’ and sit her out immediately, if she screams, tries to get up she goes back there and adult repeats no biting.
I would also give a consequence no park because you’ve bitten. No tv/tablet or whatever would work. Give her a reason why she won’t want to bite again.

This was my approach too but it’s also a really common phase. Awful to say but the best thing to happen to my biter was to be bitten hard by another child. She never did it again.

See ds was bitten as well as biting - made no discernible difference.

Toddlers are by nature pretty lawless.

Don't be absurd @OtterlyAstounding no decent parent lets their child bite other children or shrugs it off, and no-one on here has done that or suggested that. Equally, no decent parent bites their 2 year old in retaliation (or advocates for it or offers it as a solution) - unless they are also at the same developmental stage as a toddler. There are a myriad of better ways to deal with this toddler stage as have already been mentioned on here.

Except those myriad of ways clearly aren't working if other children are getting bitten at nursery, being hurt and scared in a place they should be safe. How nice for them. I suppose their distress over being repeatedly bitten, often very hard, by other children, doesn't matter.

No one has suggested they don’t matter.

😳

Point to where posters have said it doesn't matter?

Agree with this. We have no more biting issues at home because I will tell him off and he knows it. But we have waves of biting at nursery.

I know they have to be gentle and nurturing with other people’s kids but that style isn’t effective for all children, especially frequent biters.

I agree with pp- firmly say ‘no’.
Wishy washy parenting won’t help anyone, least of all her.

Then probably, a parent should actually do something effective to stop their child, if (and only if) every other method isn't working. Or, conversely, if you don't want to do that, then keep them at home until they eventually grow out of it. It's entirely unacceptable to inflict your biting child on other children.

Sending your child to nursery while they continue to bite, means that you think the other children's distress over being bitten doesn't matter. Or you'd do something about it that actually solves the issue one way or another.

Oh definitely, you would find yourself reported to safeguarding if your child was seen with a bite mark inflicted an adult. It’s really terrible advice and is likely to land you in serious trouble.

And what happens when you bite the child and it doesn’t stop the biting? Bite back every time or accept that it doesn’t always stop the behaviour?

@OtterlyAstounding So no-one has said it doesn't matter and parents should take action to stop their child biting.

Just don't sink your adult teeth into a 2 year old - use your grown up brain and do better.

Who the fuck would bite their child hard enough to leave a mark? Good god. The exaggeration and hand-wringing is just silly.

It's also confusing that people are so horrified (!!) at the thought of a controlled bite by a parent that only inflicts discomfort in the second it's done, but so easily minimise and shrug off bites to other children that are uncontrolled and very hard, can result in bruising, broken skin, bleeding etc, and be quite traumatic.

Yes, it's very obvious that you're confused. People who advocate for adults to inflict pain on children usually don't see anything wrong with it and can't understand why others find it offensive.

OP this gentle gently softly softly approach isn’t working. You need to be much firmer. Not aggressive or abusive or over the top
but firmer.

And as a mum of a kid who got bit at nursery - address it firmly and now. It’s awful for the other kids who haven’t done anything and don’t understand.

What goes through your mind to take a very young toddler to watch their dad physically throw another adult around for work. Think about that from a very small child point of view.

nah. you lost all credibility on this topic when you suggested biting children.

Sorry OP but this. Your parenting style seems very ’wet’

I’d be fuming if your child had bitten mine more than once, it it kept happening I’d be having a meeting myself to ask the nursery what they were going to do to keep my child safe from yours.

Get firm with her and quickly! And stop her watching wrestling, why on earth you thought that was appropriate for a child her age I have no idea. It’s really not

It’s a shame she doesn’t do it when she’s with you. I’d be very tempted to give her a bite to demonstrate what it feels like. I bet that would stop her. (I had a strict 70s upbringing though)

What’s with the adults wanting to bite children?

is it a full moon?

I think it’s probably related to the upbringing we had ourselves. Mine was the sort where if I went home having had a smack of someone, I would be sent back to give them a good leathering. Not ideal I know.

Nonsense.

Nobody is suggesting biting with force. Just enough of a bite to let the biter know a little of what the victims feel.

Nobody would be suggesting it if it didn't work.

Its not ok to have children go home day after day with bite marks on their bodies while a biter 'works through a phase' or fails to remember 'gentle hands'.

The virtue signalling.on this thread is something else.