My child is a biter and is becoming an issue

[Motherofflower]

My 2 year old daughter has been going to nursery since she was 9 months old. Last month she transferred from the baby room into the toddler room. Everyday nearly when she is there I have incident reports and handovers collecting her with staff telling me she bites. Shes been known to bite other kids. Her father and I are constantly on the ball when she tries to bite that biting is not nice and trying to tell her gentle hands is nicer. We constantly tell staff we are constantly on the ball with tackling the biting issue.

For context my fiance/daughters Dad is a professional wrestler and our daughter has gone to watch some of his matches. On average we will go to watch him once a month. This is something for later.

Today because Im at work there has been another biting incident at the nursery and her Dad has had to pick her up at normal collecting time. Its once again been an issue with sharing and she has bit the kid. Now staff havent told us if its a specific kid or different kids she is biting. However, today when hes gone to pick her up hes told me staff have tried to hint that her watching her Dad's wrestling matches are the reason shes biting. Hes a little upset from it.

Her biting at home has not happened for 2 weeks plus now but its still happening all the time at nursery. Whats the next best thing to do? Im constantly telling staff we are working on it, but its not getting better while she it at nursery and sadly staff are also saying the other kids dont want to play with her and asking if she plays with other kids. She is an only child but does have play dates and goes to community play events when she doesnt have nursery. Its heartbreaking to hear and it might be just how we are interpreting it but it feels like we are being accused we arent doing enough, although we constantly tell her about biting and how it isnt kind. Shes also never bit another child when shes been with me and/or her Dad.

Im tempted to ask for a formal chat to go over everything. Whats the best course of action?

@AgnesMcDoo was right - adults who bite children have no credibility.

Don’t bite very small children = virtue signalling. I see.

But even if it worked it wouldn’t in this instance. This was the problem I had with ds; biting was limited to nursery and even the most hardcore ‘bite them back’ would surely agree that’s not going to be effective, hours later.

So really it’s just adults enjoying thinking about how they would and how they did cause hurt and harm, humiliation and distress, to toddlers.

Quite unpleasant really, isn’t it?

Exactly! As someone whose child was bitten by another child once, badly bruised, and then averse to going back to kindergarten until the bruise faded, it's incredibly frustrating to see people brushing off children biting as some phase that other children just have to put up with at nursery (so clearly they think it's not a big deal to be badly bitten)! But simultaneously, they're trying to say that a parent biting their child once - sensibly - after trying every other method and failing, is a terrible, abusive thing.

And of course, they also over-exaggerate and misrepresent commenters. To take a leaf out of their books, I'm sure they also think that shouting at a child who tries to run out onto the road will emotionally scar them.

Young children have much thinner skin than adults. You have said you bite pre schoolers 'firmly, but not enough to properly hurt'. I'm pretty sure you will have left a mark when you did that. It is your normal, we understand that. It is not normal in most households or acceptable though. Many of us have raised multiple decent children without ever biting them. And suggesting a parent that the nursery clearly already have safeguarding concerns about is not going to go well for the parent.

But biting doesn't really teach children not to bite though.

Just like hitting children doesn't teach them not to hit.

@OtterlyAstounding there is a massive grey space between ‘this is a normal developmental phase’ and ‘so other children have to put up with it.’

The onus is on the adult or adults to manage the environment so that children don’t get bitten. It is generally easier for the parent to do this than in nursery settings to be fair, but people are largely missing the fact this is happening in nursery, when the OP isn’t there: the nursery really need to be putting a plan into place.

And that plan will not involve ‘biting the child’ just FYI. It isn’t about teaching them; your post makes it clear it’s about revenge (he hurt my child, so biters must be hurt back.’) Seriously, move on

Plus, a lot of biters have also been bitten. The two aren’t mutually exclusive. Interestingly, my DD has never bitten nor been bitten. I wonder if biters gravitate to one another!

I’m quite old school but for biting / hitting at that age response was a firm “no” and immediate putting of toddler in the cold boring porch away from fun where they stay for a few minutes. Worked well.

Remember dd2 on witnessing a little terror at playgroup whispered to me “ee needs to go in the porch”

Nope, no mark! And my happy, well adjusted teenagers have never bitten any other children. So yes, we're normal, thanks.

How on earth is biting my own child, to ensure they don't inflict pain on any other children, about revenge?? What a bizarre thing to say.

I tried teaching both my children not to bite when they began biting me - gentle hands, firm 'no's, social stories - all the things that did work when they tried to hit, interestingly enough. But with biting? No, they kept chomping down on me until finally I bit them back enough to startle them and make them think 'ouch' in that second, but not leave a mark. And they never bit again 🤷

Well, it’s possible I misread your earlier post and apologies if so (bad night!) but this As someone whose child was bitten by another child once, badly bruised, and then averse to going back to kindergarten until the bruise faded, it's incredibly frustrating to see people brushing off children biting as some phase that other children just have to put up with at nursery from your earlier post did sound very much as if you were understandably angry and upset your child was hurt.

Biting is one of those things where it’s both a big deal and it isn’t. It shouldn’t be allowed to happen and as I explained I went to great lengths to ensure my son didn’t bite others but it’s also a normal phase (normal in this context doesn’t mean they all do it) and biting a child is not how you deal with it.

Would you bite someone with learning difficulties, or an adult with dementia? That’s the sort of thing you’re dealing with. Toddlers just don’t have those fine sort of logical skills.

That's not why I bit my children though - my eldest was bitten by another child after he'd already stopped biting, and my youngest was never bitten by another child.

If people just want to keep their children home from nursery until they stop biting, or ensure the nursery keeps their child from having the opportunity to bite, that's fine - I just think it shouldn't be brushed off when other children do it viciously and causing lasting harm, but then it's simultaneously monstered if a parent does it once, without causing harm, to stop their child from inflicting bad bites on other children.

Perhaps many toddlers don't have those kinds of logical skills, but mine did. They were closer to 3 than 2 though, so that could be why. But either way, it did work. If it hadn't worked then I would've exhausted all options, and would've just had to try to wait it out, but thankfully it did work, on both children.

Anyway, that's me done. If people want to be silly and hyperbolic, I'm sure they will be, but I'm bored of this repetition now.

Adults biting children is not a normal or legal thing to do.

you shouldn’t need that explained to you on the internet.

I do notice that those who are advocating this seem to be the angriest on the thread and that makes your stance even more concerning.

dont bite your babies and toddlers it’s wrong.

And you should know that already. If you don’t. Get some help.

Biting is a normal developmental stage for many children.

nursery should be very experienced with dealing with it because it’s common. They should have strategies in place to manage the child who bites and to keep safe the other children

if they don’t then it’s the nursery that is failing. Not the child who is doing something normal

if your child is being bitten ask nursery what they are doing to keep your child safe

if your child is biting ask what they are doing to manage the situation and prevent this from happening

We've got a biter and a hitter who has just gone up to the toddlers room at nursery. It's always when he wants something that he can't have or if he's being made to do something he doesn't want to. If he manages to bite or goes to hit at home, he is taken and put in the hall.
If he tries it at nursery, he's taken to the regulation station. The biting is subsiding but he's still hitting.

I agree. However, I imagine that if you've been brought up in an environment where it's seen as normal for an adult to hit inflict pain on 2 year olds as some sort of bizarre learning opportunity (even if you're careful to do it in such a way that the marks aren't visible to other adults who might have something to say about your methods) then you won't ever see this type of discipline as abnormal.

Managing a situation without causing physical pain to a child is not ‘brushing it off.’

Honestly just bite back once it usually works. Not painfully but to show it’s not nice. She’s 2 she don’t understand empathy or even “not nice” that well. Sometimes they have to learn by example.

You guys are trying to have complex conversations with 2 year olds and confused why 6 months later it’s not working and they’re still terrorising their nursery mates.

Who are 'you guys' and where are they on here with their 2 year olds who are terrorising other children at nursery?

You seem confused. They don't understand empathy or "not nice" at 2 - but you believe they learn by being bitten by adults (which requires them to have a grasp of both concepts)? That approach is both contradictory and ridiculous.

My son was a biter from age 2.5 until about 3. At his “peak” I was having to sign 7-8 incident forms at every collection.

The gentle approach didn’t really work for us. We moved to bribery to be honest. He got a chocolate biscuit for every day he didn’t bite and a small toy for every week without an incident. We also emphasised how sad we were when he bit someone which really got through to him. No TV allowed on biting days either. It took a while but we eventually tapered down to one bite a day, then one bite a week, then only biting when he was very overwhelmed and sad. Now at 4.5 he is such a kind and gentle boy!

I will echo what others have said - she should not be watching her dad wrestle, we need to model behaviour to our children. If she sees grown adults fighting, this will be very confusing to her.

If your child tells an adult at the nursery that you bit them, you will be referred to social services. It’s a non-accidental injury inflicted by a caregiver. Telling them you discipline by retaliating isn’t going to go down well.

If your toddler has punches or hits you, do you punch back? It’s fine if there’s no mark according to you.

It doesn’t even work. Children frequently do retaliate toward each other and it doesn’t stop them from biting, pushing and hitting.

Crack on I guess?

If your toddler has punches or hits you, do you punch back?

Well quite. Hitting, biting, kicking and punching are all a recognised part of toddler vocabulary - they're not known as the terrible two's for nothing. I would like to think that the posters who are recommending that adults should bite 2 year olds wouldn't punch or kick them to teach them some sort of lesson - but from their posts, who knows.

I appreciate the comments that gave very helpful advice without judgement and jumping to conclusions to what Im like as a parent. I asked for advice, well appreciated, but not judgement.

I asked for advice because Im appalled my 2 year old has ended up being the biter. She rarely bites at home but its an everyday occurrence at nursery. So there is something obviously happening there thats triggering into happen more.

An update from earlier in the week, Ive been very firm with NO, time outs and less cuddles when she is misbehaving. There has been no more biting at nursery. There was one close call but staff intervened. My daughter was even hugging all the kids lovingly on the way out.

I know its a phase shes going through and my changes of how to deal with it has helped so far. My fiance and I are also stopping her from watching any wrestling for a month to see how it goes. All good so far 👌

Again thank you for the comments that were helpful and non judgemental. Other ones, especially suggesting I bite my child back, give your head a wobble.

In an environment such as the toddler room of a nursery, flashpoints can occur all over the room simultaneously, and workers can also be tied up changing nappies, dealing with a mess, dealing with emotions.

There is sadly no way a nursery can in good faith guarantee the safety of any child when a biter is at large, therefore. It can talk the talk about constant monitoring, but the reality is that this is never possible. The workers will try their best, and will prevent an uncountable number of incidents on any given day, but it's inevitable that a biter will bite.

It's also worth noting that many nurseries won't fill out an incident report unless a visible mark remains on the victim close to pickup time. They will also skip the incident report if the biter went for a victim but was stopped at the last minute. So a child might have been seriously frightened, but no mark, no foul.

...And a hitter will hit, and a kicker will kick - etc etc etc. That is the nature of nursery as children move through their developmental stages and learn through positive behaviour management (which very obviously doesn't involve an adult biting, hitting, kicking or punching young children to 'show' them).

OP, I'm glad many of the comments on here were helpful and that you're having a bit more success this week. Don't beat yourself up, toddlers are gonna toddle, despite our best intentions. You sound like a great mum - hang on in there, these phases all pass, and before you know it you'll be dealing with teenage and young adult stages (where the road can get quite bumpy)!