How do I get used to the idea of nursery?

[Palm2017]

My baby will be starting nursery just before he turns one when I go back to work and I’ve got so much anxiety about it! I’ve visited the nursery and it seems perfectly lovely and friends send their children there too, but the idea of leaving him with strangers for a whole day just feels very weird to me. I know this is a perfectly normal process for millions of working parents, but the thought of it makes me want to cry! Basically I just know that no one loves your child as much as you do..

Any advice on how to get past this?

I didn't get past it! And realised that maybe I don't have to get past it... I ended up not going back to work and just became a SAHM. I never thought I'd be a SAHM but I love having that time with DD. She's just turned 2 and we're looking for nurseries for her now and we're expecting our second DC.

Aww bless you - it's so hard isn't it. I've been where you are twice with both my daughters and it is a totally alien feeling as you say. I remember driving away from the nursery in tears with my first daughter thinking I've just left her with strangers! But, there are so many positives, she very likely will love it, gain independence, make friends and will have a whole little life of her own which you will get to hear her talk about as she grows up. You yourself will have a bit of time to be something other than Mummy and it'll make you appreciate the time you do have with her even more. I honestly never thought I'd feel OK about it but after a week or so it'll feel like your new normal. Best of luck with it all. You'll both be fine...I promise!

Have you done any settling in sessions? Mine absolutely loved nursery from the first time we went, so it was ok leaving him there because I knew he'd enjoy it. I did feel very emotional at first but I grew to know and love the staff.

Your feelings are instinctive - industrialised childcare is not natural, or beneficial to anyone except capitalism, basically.

please don’t ignore them. Lots of people could really reduce the hours their babies spend in childcare by hardcore budgeting - hacking back spending on the things that consumer culture tells us are essentials but aren’t. It’s only a few years, but they are so important in children’s psychological and emotional development.

Didn't take long for the judgey, working Mum bashing SAHM tribe to come out of the woodwork did it? Women are allowed to work and have children, it's 2025 FGS. It's nursery, not the workhouse.

Your baby is about 9 months old now, yes? But what you need to remember is that you aren't considering nursery for the little tiny baby that you are thinking of but for the rambunctious toddler that he will become very rapidly over the next few months, who will absolutely thrive with the stimulation of nursery.

We see the same effect a few years later with parents choosing a primary school that feels right for the 2 year old they have when they are deciding where to move to for the best school entry at age 5, which then turns out to be totally wrong for the 7 year old the same child becomes. Same again with senior school decisions made about a 9 year old without thinking about the 14 year old the child will become.

Early years education is genuinely beneficial to children and your 1 year old will settle in very quickly.

I found the anticipation of it much, much worse than when it actually happened. Once DS started and was settled, I could see that he was enjoying it, making ‘friends’ and getting to do lots of new things. He had a really good bond with his key worker which was lovely to see. Plus, I enjoyed being back at work and found the days passed very quickly.

I'm specifically not blaming women. I'm saying it's capitalism, which is an incredibly persuasive and powerful system which will continue to expand to feed itself. It's not possible in our society to live outside it, but it is possible to question what it needs to persuade us is 'just the way things are'.

Thank you everyone for your reassurance and advice. I’ve asked to go back three days a week (yet to hear back) so I’m hoping I’ll be able to create a balance of sorts. I won’t pretend that I don’t miss the independence and stimulation of work, but I’m a teacher, so leaving my baby to go and look after other people’s children also feels very odd to me! The point about the fact that he’ll change so much over the next few months is also a very valid one, and I can already see he’s going to require lots of activities as he’s a busy boy!

They don't stay strangers for very long. He'll create a lovely bond with them and you can never have too many people who care about your baby.

Mine all started younger and go full time. They absolutely love nursery.

Communal childcare is the norm in Hunter-gatherer societies with babies and children receiving care for extended periods through the day from a variety of care givers. The aberration is actually children being raised in nuclear families with mothers spending extended periods alone.

@Palm2017 They're not strangers for long. My daughter will still run into the arms of her key person from nursery if we're out and about and she left nursery a year ago.

There have also been some horrific stories in the media recently about terrible things happening at nurseries and some dreadful failings in care which have played on my mind….

Remember that they make the news because it is rare. The vast majority of children go to nursery and nothing horrific happens.

My children are adults now and still love their nursery workers. We keep in touch. Honestly, they will be fine.

Do you need to go back? If not you can consider being at SAHM.

My son went in at 9m because it was right for us. I'm not cut out to be a SAHM but I remember I felt awfully worried that I was doing him a disservice. But I was also comparing me going back to work with the hallmark version of being a SAHM not the reality I would have lived. My son loved nursery which helped and you won't know that until you try it.

There are other options like childminders or a nanny if you want a smaller setting.

My DS is 11 and he went full time at 10 months. He absolutely loved it!

We were at an event recently where his old nursery attended and lots of the nursery nurses remembered him. It was lovely to see them all chatting to him and sharing memories. They might not love your child as much as you do but that doesn't mean they don't care and won't do a great job of looking after them.

For me it was easy because it was a very good nursery with qualified and experienced key workers and they did so much more than I could ever do at home. The other option was to let grandparents look after DC. The grandparents were already looking after our nephew who was allowed to sit in front of cbeebies all day and had speech delay because no one ever actually had a conversation with him. He was given nuggets chips and chocolate all day. I'd take our lovely nursery a million times over that despite it costing a ton.

You are in serious denial if you believe that a constant churn of underpaid, undereducated childcare workers with no familial/tribal bond or collective goal provide anything approaching the care that hunter-gatherer or village societies give to babies and toddlers.

Don't assume that all nurseries have a constant churn of underpaid and undereducated staff.
The nursey we used have staff who have worked there for 15 years +. They have very little staff turnover and they place a lot of importance on qualifications and training.

And those who don't want to live a life of 'hardcore' budgeting, are already budgeting and need two incomes or just enjoy their job?

It's the same with the nursery we use. It's a wonderful place with little staff turnover.

Nursery and childminder are great for my kids.

If you don’t want to go back to work and leave your child in nursery then don’t
Mine went 3 days a week from around age 1
All enjoyed it and I had no concerns ( and years down the line there seem to be no ill effects!)
TBH I never really considered being a SAHM
And certainly very glad about that 20 years down the line
As are my DC due to the financial support we can give them

Not all nurseries have a constant churn of staff. Like the pp, ours had a lot of older staff who had been there many years. They had two settings in the city and tried as much as possible to share cover staff between them rather than use agency staff. They staffed over ratio, so each room had a floating staff member to cover toilet breaks, lunches etc.

And they may not be highly educated, but you don't need to be to look after small children. You just need to be kind and fun and of course have all the necessary safety training. It's not a job I could do in a million years, and I'm highly educated...

I think deep down I know I’d like to work a few days a week - I’ve worked hard at my career and intend to continue working once my child and any future children are at school. My mum was a SAHM and was brilliant at it, but my dad travelled so much for work it was a decision they made together for everyone’s wellbeing. My husband doesn’t travel for work so our child/ren will see him daily.

I’ll certainly be doing some settling in sessions and will trust my gut on everything! It may be that six months down the line I decide it’s not for us and we reassess. And after baby two it makes more sense financially for me to stop working until at least one of them is in school as nursery fees are so enormous!