How do I get used to the idea of nursery?

[Palm2017]

My baby will be starting nursery just before he turns one when I go back to work and I’ve got so much anxiety about it! I’ve visited the nursery and it seems perfectly lovely and friends send their children there too, but the idea of leaving him with strangers for a whole day just feels very weird to me. I know this is a perfectly normal process for millions of working parents, but the thought of it makes me want to cry! Basically I just know that no one loves your child as much as you do..

Any advice on how to get past this?

I get it, it's hard. Mine is only four months but I feel utterly devastated by it. But I know that I really value my career and long term, we can afford a lot more for him if I stay at work. I also saw how my dickhead dad wasn't able to treat my mum as badly as he wanted to in their divorce as she was financially independent so for me, that's a factor too! Also I do really rate the nursery he'll be going too.

It’s so interesting - I had my peak anxiety about it when he was four months old even though I knew I was taking a year! I also like the idea of financial independence - something my mum gently suggested she’d wished she’d had more of

Then you're making a choice, yes.

A perfectly valid choice which doesn’t require judgement.

Exactly.

There's nothing wrong with wanting more than the very basics and not wanting to stress over money.

It isn't always about money either. I love my career and have worked hard to get to where I am, I certainly wasn't going to give that up when I can be a parent and have a career. Men do it all the time without judgement.

People who argue for a different way of thinking about any given social issue aren't judging - they're trying to get other people to use their own judgement in a world which tries very hard to ensure they just accept the status quo as 'the way things are'.

Even if that weren't the case - the idea that 'judging' is a universal evil, that we should all be able to make our own individual choices without critique, is deeply ideological and exists to preserve the status quo.

Maybe we should be a bit more suspicious of the Individual's Liberty [to consume] and give a bit more thought to what is good for children, which ultimately will also be what is good for society.

Often what is good for children is a roof over their head and food in their tummy. It’s all well and good saying people need to budget but many, many people are already living hand to mouth. Both parents working means they can keep a home and food on the table. Often, it has nothing to do with consumer culture but survival.

You also have millions upon millions of women across the world who have worked hard in their careers and don’t want to give that up. It’s not a necessity for them to anymore, times have moved on. Gone are the days when women were tied to the kitchen sink with their apron strings.

The solution to that problem is for men to be made to step up - not for children to pay the price for equality.

I got past it when I realised that at nursery they do all the carefully curated messy play set ups so I don’t have to! 🤣

Seriously though, my DC1 was looked after by family 3 days a week from age 1 to 3 whereas DC2 went to nursery those 3 days from 1 onwards. DC2 had much more enriching experiences and developed strong friendships from an early age, if I went back and did it again I’d put DC1 in nursery.

The friendship is a good point. My DD has gone through from the 'baby' room right through primary and into secondary with the same group of about 10 children. They've literally all grown up together and STILL talking about their nursery days.

Many men do step up, that doesn’t help families who are living in poverty though does it? If both parents need to work then they need to work. You also seem to forget there are a huge number of single parents, what should they do?

My baby went at five months and I was happy to get back to work - no one else had kids and so could talk like an adult about non child things (why do people think you only have one topic of conversation as soon as you reproduce)?
He thrived. My DD followed at just under one - I had actually given up work by then but my son was going three days and my DD started with two. Full days. It got them busy and socialised and gave me a much needed break. Of course they don’t love the kids, but they do a good job taking care of them and keeping them entertained. It also made the transition to school easy. My son is an extrovert but my daughter the opposite but both enjoyed it.

Families who are living in poverty tend not to be working - and in any case are supported to be at home through benefits till their child is three. 45% of families with children 1-5 and a household income under £40K don't use any formal childcare at all.

One of the points I'm making, though, is that 'poverty' is a shifting term. In the 70s, before consumer capitalism really took hold, it was common for couples that you'd now define as 'young liberal middle class' to rent and live incredibly frugally for five or six years while their children were very small, so that they could be at home. My parents did this and it was the norm in their (quite dull, non-bohemian) circle. I did a version of it too. Once the children were in school is when the work progression happened for both men and women.

I absolutely acknowledge that the cost of living has increased. But what I'm saying is that our expectation of what is required for a 'decent life' has, because of advanced capitalism/consumer culture, increased to an even greater degree.

And that it's very hard to see that fact clearly, because consumer culture works hard to make sure you don't.

I was the exact same but my little boy has come on leaps and bounds since he started nursery at 9 months (now 14 months) and absolutely loves it. He goes 2 days per week. It’s so hard but I just tell myself that he is 100% having more fun there than I could realistically facilitate all day and if he wants to keep eating blueberries and strawberries at the rate he does then mama got to work

And I think it's wishful thinking that 'many men do step up.' I know one man who has gone part-time so he can share childcare with his female partner so that she can also progress in her career.

The issue though is that it is women who are expected to take a big step back from careers and they don't always get back to where they used to be before having children. Men don't experience the same pressure where they are deemed to not love their children enough if they dare to continue their career after children.

Not to mention the fact that some people simply don't want to live incredibly frugally. I don't.

Wow some people on this thread are making me feel awful. I didn't want to go back to work at all and hate leaving my DC at nursery (and I've gone part time). I'm on UC but own my house so don't get the housing element. I genuinely am struggling to pay my mortgage. Live in the bottom of my overdraft. Couldn't live any more frugally if I tried so really really don't have a choice but to work. Would love to be a SAHM but financially it just isn't an option at all. The way some people are talking, you'd think we were throwing our babies into a lion's den.

You've gone part time - that's great.

As I said earlier, the solution is for men to be made to step up, not for children to have access to neither parent for the majority of the week.

If you don't want to live frugally for a few years that's a different matter - but you can't then claim that it's the cost of living or whatever. It's a choice that you've made.

You are doing brilliantly. Don't be ashamed, you are being a beacon to your DC, showing them that hard work and capability gets you through in the end. It will get easier as they get older.

Some dreadful and terrible things happen when kids are being taught by teachers. Are you a risk to kids? Is your school dangerous? That’s how ridiculous your argument is

Which I doubt is going to happen any time soon.

It is a choice that I've made. Giving up my career was never an option.

Exactly.
It’s far too simplistic to suggest that ‘hardcore’ budgeting will negate the need for childcare. A significant number of people are already doing this and are thinking about the longer term financial security of their family and themselves as individuals.

As for ‘men stepping up’… many already do. In my house parenting is an equal responsibility which allows us to both maintain and progress our careers. This benefits our family financially. I’m not interested in living a frugal life out of choice. I grew up in poverty, I want better for my child.
It benefits us both as individuals, our careers mean a great deal to us and are part of our identity.

The decisions people are making for their family are far more nuanced and complex but at the end of the day we’re all doing our best.
Nobody whole feel guilty for using childcare.
The key is finding good quality provision - that’s one of the biggest take aways from the research.

I'm talking about a few years of frugality in pursuit of a secure attachment.

And you must know from personal experience and every other thread on MN that most men do not take an equal share of any damage to their career caused by children, or do anything like 50% of the actual mental and physical work of childcare.

Children can go to nursery and still have a secure attachment to their parents. It’s really not an either / or situation here.

But many dads do step up and are equal parents. Just because some don’t (and you need to remember MN is not representative of society in this respect) doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen. This is why blanket statements like yours are unhelpful as they ignore the nuance and individual circumstances.
My personal experience and that of many of my friends is that we have husbands who take on equal responsibility for their children. It can happen!

And leaving the labour market for an extended period can be risky. There are many jobs where a long career break isn’t recoverable. This is why people need to assess what works best for them as a family and should consider the longer term consequences of all decisions.