Nursery asked us to remove our 2 year old - need success stories

[LazJaz]

This is long, thank you in advance for reading.

Our DS 26months has been in nursery since 11.5months
Towards the end of his time in the baby room, he began to exhibit difficulties in controlling his emotions and was biting other children.
He was moved to the toddler room about 6 weeks ago. Seemed to do really well at first and biting behavior stopped, however over the past few weeks the behavior has come back, and ramped up to the extent that nursery had a shadow on him, suggested he may have ADHD, requested a referral for an assessment (which was rejected by the local authority because they need referrals from SALT at the moment) and finally despite some improvements (better communication, naming feelings, several days with no biting attempts,) they now feel that they can no longer sustain the level of support he needs and they have suggested it’s not the right setting for him. They have given us one month’s notice and have been very supportive throughout his time at nursery.

They believe that the behavior is possibly the result of sensory processing disorder as he is not biting in anger but now biting seemingly unprovoked by other children and is uninterested in the response of the bitten child or surrounding adults. They are puzzled as he’s a bright child with excellent speech for his age, and they don’t feel that the biting behavior fits with the rest of his presentation.

They expressed this as a “with regret” decision, they say he’s charming, smart, and much loved but that the current situation is unsustainable for all parties.

I agree with and support their decision. They need to keep other children safe, and perhaps the biting is a sign of DS having needs they can’t meet.

But it’s devastating. He seems to enjoy his time at nursery (he talks about it at home positively and runs in on drop off). I’m also terrified for him - what will a change in setting do to his confidence? (we’re considering a range of options but nanny would probably be a stretch too far) ,what if we get it wrong again?

And I’m also scared and sad and angry for me. Even though I know this is inappropriate.

we’ve started aggressively pursuing appointments with SALT, gp, sensory specialists etc, anyone who will listen. We’re exploring new childcare options.

I’m looking for advice/guidance/wisdom/success stories - has this happened to anyone else? Did you go on to better things? What till did it take on your child? Were they able to go on to another setting with more success and without being labeled? If relevant, What toll did it take on your career? I’m the primary earner and so giving up work to focus on him isn’t a possibility for us without significant life changes (selling house, moving to new part of country etc). DH is brilliant but also at this point not interested in stopping work to become and SAAD.

thank you for reading and anything you may be able to share.

I'd say 2 is very young still and the nursery environment doesn't suit all kids it might be just too much for him. Any chance you can have a Nanny who can do things like play group with him so he still gets interaction with other kids but in a more controlled manner?

Have you tried buying him specific chewy toys aimed at children with SEND? It may help a bit. There is also an SEN board on MN which maybe useful.

Thank you for your responses @MrsPelligrinoPetrichor - it’s a possibility but at over £3k pcm for 4 days per week all in a nanny would be a struggle financially.

@Flopisfatteningbingforchristmas - we do have one, he’s not taken much interest in it except when trying to control his angry biting. But perhaps we will try a few new ones to see if they help him find a healthier outlet for the impulse.
good idea about SEN board too- thank you.

Is it only other children he bites?

Have a look on this site OP. It explains about sensory needs (and an awful lot more) and suggests interventions and stratgies.
www.theottoolbox.com/

what about a childminder who is on board with monitoring the biting and doesnt have as many kids?

Two seems very young to make these kind of assessments to me, lots of children of that age go through a biting phase.

My youngest did at nursery (older ones didn't) but it didn't last long. Lots of talk in primary school about ADHD, hyperactivity etc. We had him assessed privately and for dyslexia at 8. Nothing concrete. Long story short, he's now about to leave primary school and is a much lived character with no issues and has got into a great secondary school. He is just a livewire/fidgit/can't stand still/extrovert type of person (with lots of friends).

Don't be too despondent, he may just need a change of setting.

He’s only 2. Loads of kids bite at that age. Not pleasant but it’s true. I think it’s a shame the nursery feel they can’t support him. However, at least they’ve been honest that they don’t have the capacity. I’ve worked in nurseries where they can’t give a 1-1 so just pressure staff all the time to somehow be on top of the biter while doing everything else.

Agree it might be worth looking at childminders, and be open about the biting. If they only have a couple of other children (or possibly children older than him) it could help. If he has great language can he talk about this? What are nurses saying or doing when he bites? Have they been keeping ABC forms to try and trace the triggers behind the biting - keeping logs of the times or areas it usually happens to see if there may be a pattern?

The nursery, not the nurses!

Totally agree, I don't think many children are diagnosed this early for good reason and tbh I wouldn't be listening to a nursery worker diagnosing a child- they shouldn't be unless they're trained to. Definitely agree with trying another setting.

I’m also a bit concerned that the nursery seem to have labelled him with a few different things. Why do they think he has ADHD/SPD? Based on only the biting? And as for ‘trouble controlling his emotions’ towards the end of baby unit… erm yes. He would presumably have been under two years old - most toddlers that age have trouble controlling their emotions. It sounds to me like the nursery are labelling ordinary (not positive or desirable but ordinary) behaviour as unusual or outside the normal NT expectations.

It's hard to judge what is the setting and what is the child. He may benefit from a smaller setting with less children and closer supervision. Have you looked into something like a childminder that would have smaller ratios for children his age?

My DS is autistic and has always struggled in busier settings. His condition really came to light when he went to school and it was so busy! As well as having rigid structure. But when he was younger he thrived with a childminder because it was quieter, more laid back and better supervised too!

They might be, but isn't it more likely that this behaviour is outside their 'normal' experience which is why they have flagged it as 'something's not right'.

@TeenPlusCat

Well I’m not sure. From what op’s said (biting, not able to ‘control emotions) he doesn’t sound far outside of the normal spectrum. And even so, it’s incredibly unusual for nursery to start offering diagnosis to children (usually they will only say the child may need referring) and even further more unusual to diagnose children before they’ve even turned 2 years old. Most professionals won’t even do that. My son didn’t get his until he was about 3.5, and a stranger on the street could have told you he was autistic. So I’d find it a bit odd for a nursery worker to be suggesting a just turned two year old has ADHD.

I mean, it's labour intensive to look over one child in a setting like this. Much easier to suggest that he is struggling on account of some undiagnosed issue than say a kid like this is well in the bandwidth of typical but still doesn't meet their stretched economic model.

My son was like this and was given a 1:1 at nursery . He has autism and adhd . Now almost 11 years old . I would fight for the 1:1 otherwise other nurseries will have same issue as this one

I’m surprised they are so concerned about biting at 2… could you do a mix of childminder/nanny and the nursery?? Xx

I’m sorry to hear your DS is having issues. Definitely go private for a SALT assessment. They won’t do it via NHS until he’s 3.. no matter what they tell you. It may not be particularly clear right now. They couldn’t really figure out what was going on with my DS, suspected speech disorder and autism. But gave a lot of strategies to help. I now have the NHS SALT assessment happening in a couple of weeks, 13 months after referral and I’m hoping it will be a lot clearer now he’s a bit older

My nephew was a big biter and his nursery had started to have a similar conversation due to the level / unprovoked nature / complaints from other parents - basically saying start to look at other settings as this may not be the right one. And then he stopped biting almost overnight! And has never done it again (5 now and no concerns re: SEN or anything like that).

I think it's good to be aware of sensory issues etc but also some children are just biters.

My DS was like this, biting but bright with excellent speech for his age. I couldn’t understand where it came from/what triggered it, particularly as I had never experienced it with his very close in age older brother, and used to dread his biting anywhere that we went when he was a toddler/preschool. Until the end of reception, when he failed the routine hearing test and we subsequently found out that he had severe unilateral sensorineural hearing loss, and now he is older and able to discuss it, that he struggles to hear and becomes stressed in noisy environments and/or those with poor acoustics.

Deafness was never suspected due to his excellent speech but getting a hearing aid massively changed his behaviour - he had previously been labelled as the naughty child in reception but since then although he’s still quite feisty, it has stopped being a concern.

@MrsPelligrinoPetrichor he used to bite DH a lot but this has stopped. He has bitten a nursery worker once. Other than that only other kids

I also meant to say that we suspected ADHD before his hearing loss diagnosis and think that his nursery/playgroups probably did too.

@BlankTimes thank you for the link!

My DS used to bite with sensory needs. He went to a nursery who were better at identifying the signals/reasons and he quickly stopped. He hasnt done it since.

@Pennox thabk you for sharing your experience- it’s helping me feel more sanguine about this.

(DS also has hearing loss which i notice a previous poster also said)