Possible over-reaction - desperately need some perspective/objective advice.

[Cashncarry]

DD is coming up to 3 years old. She's been going to a very small private nursery full-time since she was 15 months old. She loves all the girls, they love her to bits BUT since moving to the biggies room (3 plus) over the summer, we've encountered some problems as follows (with solutions where appropriate):

1. After first moving, DD coming home saying Girl X and Girl Y (both about a year older) are saying that they don't want to be her friend. DH and I noticing that said 2 girls are saying that DD's been naughty when we pick her up. We both tell her to ignore them and say "I've plenty of friends, thank you".

2. About a month later, DD saying that Girl X and Boy Z are saying "her shoes are rubbish", "her face is rubbish" calling her "stupid" and "idiot". (We don't use these words at home). DH wants to report it, I persuade him that DD can handle it and we teach her to say "That's very rude. I don't play with rude girls/boys. If you say that again, I will tell a grown up".

3. A couple of weeks ago, DD is playing with DH on Sunday afternoon. DH is lying on his back on the floor, DD launches herself onto him belly to belly (IYSWIM). I ask her what she's doing. She says she's playing the "humping game" which Boy Z taught her.
   Filled with horror at the word "humping" (which we have definitely never used - it's akin to the C word in my view), I tell her that's a very naughty game and if Boy Z wants to play it again, she should tell a grown up straight away. DD's at home with me for the next few days (I had hols booked) but I call the nursery and have a word with the manager. She says she'll look into it. When I drop DD off on the Thursday for a couple of hours, I have words with the girls in charge of her room and ask them to keep an eye on her and Boy Z as well as filling them in on the nonsense with Girl X and ask them to keep an eye on their interaction.
   When I pick DD up, I have another word with the nursery manager and say that I have concerns mainly centred around the fact that DD was alone with Boy Z long enough for this to happen unnoticed. She remarks that Boy Z has never used this language in front of any of the girls, neither have any of them noticed Girl X being (for want of a better word) mean to DD. I'm left with the niggling suspicion that DD is being branded a liar but due to a previously good rship with the nursery I leave the problem with them and am assured they'll investigate.

4. Fast forward to today. DH picks DD up from nursery. I get home some half an hour later and notice a rather large bump in the top centre of DD's forehead. She tells me that Girl X threw a torch at her head. I ask if Girl X was told off and am told that Teacher A (whose name I don't recognise) told her off and Girl X said sorry. I ask DH if he was asked to sign the accident book - he was not. In fact he didn't even notice the bruise and no one said anything to him.

I'm so sorry for the mammoth post of epic proportions but I really am very upset and at a total loss as to how to handle it. My confidence in the nursery is fading fast, despite the friendship that has grown between myself and her carers since she started there. I have underlying concerns about the fact that DD is not in a particular routine and seems to spend an awful lot of time in "free play" but have not expressed these reservations for fear of seeming like a pushy "alpha mummy" who wants her child reading and writing before the age of 3.

I need some MN wisdom - what's my next step? Am I over-reacting? I must admit to nearly crying when I saw a huge purple bruise and am resisting the urge to call the nursery manager (I know her mob no) and get to the bottom of this. Obviously I haven't as that would be an invasion of privacy!

DH is all set to go all guns blazing into the nursery tomorrow when he does the drop-off but I don't see the point when I'm not in a position to sort out any alternative care if it all kicks off in some kind of wild west style confrontation.

Am I:

(a) totally overreacting because I have severe PFB tendencies and my next step should be to laugh this off and casually mention to the staff to try and make sure that DD is not battered and bullied on a regular basis; or

(b) a pathetic parent incapable of protecting their gift from God and my next step should be to grow some balls and tell the nursery to sort themselves out or I will withdraw DD?

Be Gentle - remember working mum guilt is at play here. I've just started a new job which is taking up most of my time and energy and I feel like this is going to be the straw that broke the camel's back

Answers on a postcard please...

Sharingcare is if you are looking for a nannyshare, obviously . Its post-second glass of wine-time

Thanks guys - I'm off to bed now as I'm just incapable of stringing a sentence together at this point! I will update this thread tomorrow night but thank you so very much for all your input.

Good luck!

Just a little update in case anyone's interested.

DH went and spoke to the nursery manager on his own today. We discussed beforehand that we would state the two main issues of concern: lack of accident report and escalation of bullying issues despite our prior discussion. Nursery Manager was, thankfully, horrified and in fact had tears in her eyes when DH told her about the bump and DD's version of events. (She's not a wuss, she's normally well-hard - honestly!)

She asked DH to leave it with her and rang me later to say that she had spoken to all of the carers in DD's room and given them a good telling off for not following procedure. Apparently the adult who comforted DD and told off Girl X was a student and had not informed the official carers of the incident. They were totally unaware it had happened and didn't notice the injury. They've been told to make every effort to keep both girls apart for the time being but they're not entitled to actually discipline Girl X as a member of staff has not witnessed the behaviour.

She's also going to speak to Girl X's mum anyway to let her know that a complaint's been made. She's going to suggest setting firmer boundaries for the child in terms of acceptable behaviour. She's spoken to Boy Z's mum as another parent has made a complaint about him using similar language - obviously his mum was horrified and asked which children were involved. Nursery Manager didn't say due to confidentiality but I am worried a little about why she asked.

She's preparing a written report of the steps taken and we've both been told to feel free to come and see them if any further problems, however trivial, arise.

I'm not quite sure how I feel tbh. I'm obviously pleased they're taking it seriously but I'd be lying if I said I felt 100% satisfied. I'm going to persevere with the nursery for the time being but start investigating finding a childminder/shared nanny this weekend with a view to putting it in place sooner rather than later.

Thank you so much for all your help - I could not have got through this without the MN collective wisdom

Hi, I have been wondering how you got on so thanks for the update. Sounds like the nursery have took it seriously and the manager is taking the right steps to rectify your concerns.

The last thing they want is unhappy parents, sounds like she was mortified and as shocked as you that it had happenned. The thing is, now it has happenned it is so hard for a parent to banish all doubts, even if there really is nothing to worry about.

Good for you in remaining calm and explaining the facts which she obviously wasn't aware of.

Good luck, hope you it all works out for you and DD

Thanks Phantom - I think you're definitely getting inside my head when you say that it's hard to banish all doubts. That's how I feel. I just keep worrying all the time especially because the nursery has said that because they didn't witness the incidents, they can't actually do anything themselves to stop any potential bullying. I guess I'll have to wait and see what her mother has to say about it...

I will keep you posted if anything else happens but fingers crossed that's the last of it and I've plenty of time to sort out alternative arrangements which I'm researching in earnest as we speak! Thanks again xx