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Original poster

MALE STAFF AT NURSERIES - MAKES ME FEEL UNEASY.....

161 replies

Lolabelle · 17/02/2007 21:50

I hate to be sexist and i appreciate thats how it would seem but we viewed a nursery today for my DD1 who is 2 and the staff contained two young men (max age 20 if that) and one would be responsible for my DD1. That means nappy changing the works and my husband and i both felt uneasy when we discussed it later. I really, really hate even saying it and they are probably lovely lads but too much goes on this day and sadly yes it usually is by men/lads etc and ...oh i don't know - am i being completely out of order thinking like this???

OP posts:
colditz · 17/02/2007 22:22

I didn't mean to get involved with this thread, because threads on this subject always kick off.

lulumama · 17/02/2007 22:22

i seee , ta !

Original poster
Lolabelle · 17/02/2007 22:23

My baby is more precious to me than it is for me to even think rationally - i don't for one minute think anything of anyone else baby as it really is just about my DD, its not that i think it alright for others babies etc etc and its not to say anything about these lads determination or ability to do their jobs well its just something that i have pulled from the depths of my anxiety about the whole issue and wanted to know if i was in fact being an idiot and i think i got my answer.

And as for it saying more about me - why did this have to be personal? I have been a MNETTER for 3.5 yrs now and have always stayed away from personal digs and i really don't get it - i do need the childcare as i have health appts that i have to attend and i have a male gynea and i was stitched up but a lovely young guy - I DO LIKE MEN FOR GODS SAKE! I'm talking about an uncomfortable awkward feeling today gave me and i don't know what to do..

OP posts:
colditz · 17/02/2007 22:24

Lolabelle, go with it. Send her somewhere else, or perhaps you may feel more comfortable sending her to a childminder?

BlueDaisy · 17/02/2007 22:27

I think you should trust your instincts and carry on looking at other nurseries. I hope that you can get over your anxieties because she will encounter male teachers at school.

i do know what you mean. DD says she always waves and says hello to the school caretaker which I know I shouldn't give a seconds thought, but I do. But I don't give it any more thought than that.

Original poster
Lolabelle · 17/02/2007 22:31

Yeah maybe, a childminder is an option but i think she'd enjoy the interaction. I watched her today playing with th eother kids (it was an open day) and knew she'd like it but i guess i'll have to just go to a few and talk about it with my DH. Its really hard, harder than i thought.

I really can't believe that it was perceived that i thought my DD was better than everyone else?? I would never even imply that, i wasn't even thinking about anyone else it was purely an anxiety in regards to my own. The papers are full of stuff that keeps me up at night at the moment and i'm torn between wanting to hide her from everything that has even a 1% risk to wanting her to flourish and interact socially and its obvious which will be better for her.

Can i just clarify again that i really actually do like/love/trust men?! I'm maried to one for gods sake and i'd hate someone to judge him but i would understand and respect that because i know deep down what its like to feel anxious about tiny things. They can blow up to massive things when left to fester in your mind..

OP posts:
LaylaandSethsmum · 17/02/2007 22:33

Maybe this nursery isn't right for your DD, thats fine, look elsewhere until you find something you are comfortale with.

Anxiety when leaving you kids for the first time is normal and we've all been there. I do hope you find something you are happy with.

If you've taken anything i've posted as a personal attack then I am sorry. It wasn't meant to be that way.

You asked for opinions though!!

Original poster
Lolabelle · 17/02/2007 22:34

Oh i'm sure once i manage to cut the umbelical cord and put her ina nursery male teachers won't be a problem - god i'm not that paranoid its just she is still a baby in my eyes despite now being a toddler and still dependant on me for everything. My school was predominantly male teachers and the tought of that doesn't affect me....yet! Seriously though its just this first hurdle that i wanted it to be different i guess . All the staff were really young and it felt like a youth club and i don't know...irritational rambling again...

OP posts:
BlueDaisy · 17/02/2007 22:35

Not sure how that was perceived tbh!! don't worry about what people think of you! And remember pregnancy has the power to send your brain haywire (well mine did anyway!

LaylaandSethsmum · 17/02/2007 22:38

Sounds like this nursery was wrong for you in lots of ways, theres plenty more out there, take a deep breath, visiti them and make your decision.

Original poster
Lolabelle · 17/02/2007 22:43

Oh my hormones most certainly must be partly to blame as i started crying earlier as my DH has just had his first weekend off work and come down with food poisening and i'm gutted as he was going to give me a break as shes being hard work all week on my own and hes been in bed!!

Seriously though i do want opinions but i should've learnt by now that maybe MNET isn't always the best place to air my concerns. I didn't want a rose tinted batch of responses but maybbe i didn't make myself clear enough that i felt like crap thinking these thoughts but wanted to know if i was alone in feeling this anxious about something that is quite frankly taboo to say out loud to friends etc.

Anyway i will view some more and see which feels best. She is so very ready to interact with other children and like i said, the lads were lovely you know - this wasn't a personal attack on them and most certainly wasn't a suggestion that they were perverts as suggested in the beginning which did offend me a bit as i was expressing how uneasy it made me feel which is quite different. Deep down i wanted my mum to continue having her but i have to let go at some stage. Thanks anyway. x

OP posts:
LaylaandSethsmum · 17/02/2007 22:45

If i was you i would forget this nursery and the feelings etc you have had towards it and just go elsewhere. You felt what you felt, you realise these thoughts are irrational but they are your feelings nonetheless.
Don't beat yourself up about it and move onto the next one.

plummymummy · 17/02/2007 22:50

Lolabelle, I had the same irrational feeling at ds's nursery (and I am a nurse so well aware of the need for a gender mix in all areas of care). It was only through getting to know him (the male worker) better that I started to get rid of these silly thoughts (I mean my own, not yours). He is now ds's favourite worker at nursery and he really looks up to him. I agree that boys in particular need male adults in nurseries/schools, but girls will also benefit - esp if dad works away from home during the day.

lulumama · 17/02/2007 22:54

Lolabelle...TBH, had you explained the full story in the OP< the anxiety, the pregnancy, changing care from your mum, it would have been more apparent this was more than 'i don;t want a man near my child'..which is how it came across initially

OttergavebirthonValentines · 17/02/2007 23:14

i would NOT like it ...honestly

LowFatMilkshake · 17/02/2007 23:19

Lola - I have'nt read all the posts - this thread is incredibly long and I am very tired as my chldren have been sick all evening.

However DD's pre-school keyworker is male although different from your scenario, is a married dad of 4. My DD adores him and he is so gentle with the children. Also he's a male figure for the boys who all crowd round him as soon as they arrive - regardless of what activoty he is leading!

He does have my permission to help DD in the toilets, although she is very independant and has never needed it.

Also dont forget (has probably already been mentioned) people in these position have to be police checked.

Blimey I was just on the committee and was asked to fill in two forms. So who knows how much these guys have had to do!

ThePrisoner · 18/02/2007 18:39

I accept what everyone has said about being OK with a male worker, but thought I'd chuck in an observation I made a few months ago ... on a trip to a soft play centre, there was a young man (amongst several young women) working there and helping entertain the children on the equipment. I watched all the mummies/carers and, without fail, everytime this poor lad approached a child - all eyes watched him so closely. They would even stand up to watch if they couldn't see him properly. I don't think it was admiration for his ability to entertain the children that the adults were showing though, which is very really.

I really understand Lolabelle's fear of leaving her child - I think it's a fairly natural idea that the only person able to look after your child properly is you. Even my dh tells me that he didn't get a look in when ours were little!

Stargazer · 18/02/2007 18:42

Yes! I think it a good idea to have men in a nursery - they have a positive influence on the children. Everyone working with kids is checked out. What is it about them working there that makes you uneasy?

JARM · 18/02/2007 18:47

Sad sad sad state of affairs isnt it.

My DH would love to be a childminder when he leaves the army, but due to prejudices like this i society, it wouldnt be worth the start up costs because no one would want to leave their child with a man regardless of checks etc.

Its heartbreaking it really is, and no wonder there are less and less male child carers.

Fingerscrossed2007 · 18/02/2007 19:09

men can make excellent carers as many MNers will be observing at home. I think it is really sad that the number of male role models in places like nurseries and primary school is next to zero. Not only are children and young people missing out but because of stereotyping and prejudice men are beign blocked from participating in a rewarding career option.

Just to be clear, I feel as strongly about this as I do about the importance of proper training and child protection arrangements.

Lulabene - I think it is too easy to see the gender of the person rather than the quality of care they are able to offer and the overall environment your child will be in. eg Are you assuming that everything that a woman would be perfect. Ther are some people I know who would be pass all the "trust them to change a nappy" checks but I would describe as emotionally cold or not as nurturing as I would be. ath

JARM - has your DH thought about working in a nursery?

lemonaid · 18/02/2007 19:10

You can't help your irrational feelings, and you're probably not alone, and you shouldn't leave your DD anywhere that you feel unhappy about BUT I think it's very very sad that you feel this way. I would love to see more men in childcare for a whole host of reasons from the personal through to the political, and it's this kind of attitude that has a big impact into its being unlikely to happen.

How would you feel if a close relation of yours (a sister or sister-in law, say) didn't feel comfortable with her DC being around your DH because "he is probably a lovely man but too much goes on this day and sadly yes it usually is by close relations"? Would that be OK because she hadn't actually accused your DH of being a pervert, and because she really hated saying it? Yet objectively she'd be on far firmer ground than you are -- the risk of being abused by a relation is far higher than the risk of being abused by a key worker.

suejonez · 18/02/2007 19:17

hear hear Lemon "the risk of being abused by a relation is far higher than the risk of being abused by a key worker" - on that basis you would be safer keeping them away from all male relatives instead

I do understand your prejudce (because thats what it is) and its probably because we are so unused to seeing men in a nurturing role. No doubt women surgeons had/have the same problem.

Grit your teeth and go with it if you like the nursery - your DD will grow up with a much more balanced view of life if you can acknowledge your prejudices and do what you know is right anyway despite them.

ponylove · 18/02/2007 19:31

THis is a slight tangent but may be an idea. I fell pregnant when DS1 8 months old and like you thought it would be a good idea for DS1 to do a few mornings nursery to give us all a break and give DS1 some fun. As it happened DS1 decided that nursery was a horrendous idea and screeched continuously so we gave up. Then my friend who has a 6month old and hwer own business decided she needed childcare but she didn't fancy the nursey option. Solution was that we employed a nanny/mothers help. Lucy's boy comes to my house, Jenna, our nanny, comes too and DS1 absolutely loves the extra company and fun. I'm now 38 weeks pregnant with DS2 and so relieved that Jenna will be around to help me as DS1 is only 17monthas old. Obviously it does cost a certain amount of cash but Lucy and I go half half which is less than local nursery rates per hour. Lucy also happy that her son is in a home environment. Set up been going for a month now and working lovely.

DizzyBint · 18/02/2007 19:56

FWIW.. there are 2 male nursery nurses at dd's nursery. one is maybe 20 ish, other is early 30s i think. the older one is often in dd's room and she practicaly leaps out of my arms to go and play with him. the cook is also male, i've seen him helping at meal times too. i like that there are males there.

like someone said earlier, there is more chance of a male relative being a 'problem' than a male nursery nurse.

batters · 18/02/2007 19:56

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