Male Carers at Nursery

[alison39]

Has anyone any experience of a male carer at nursery looking after their daughter? One has just started at my daughter's nursery and whilst i am absolutely fine with this, I am a little concerned about their policies over bathroom assistance, and the fact that he will be allowed to take girls to the toilet on his own, is this usual??? Would appreciate any thoughts, experience or comments.

Thanks

I'm trying to decide who's got more hang ups- Vintageteacups or skinit, but I've decided to declare a dead heat.

at baggedandtagged

I don't think you're being unreasonable to ask these questions OP.

While of course we should not suspect every man of paedophilia, the fact of the matter is men, as a group, do not have a good track record when it comes to the well-being of the children in their care.

I don't think her nursery carer is a paedo at all but I think it's very strange that some people seem to be attacking you for saying you don't want a random bloke wiping your little girl's bottom. I don't think there's anything strange in wanting a woman to care for your child, just like there is no way on God's sweet earth I would ever let a man in the room when I'm in labour.

I think people are always being unreasonable when they take it upon themselves to piss on a mother's concerns. It's not as though this is the first time a mother has been ridiculed for worrying about her child. Let's be honest, everyone thinks they know how to raise a woman's children better than she does herself. I think if a mother would prefer a man not to take her daughter to the toilet in this paedo-happy culture of ours, then she shouldn't be sneered at for voicing her preference.

well, too many moments in this thread to know where to start.

I've worked with elderly residents (of both sexes) with dementia (some very very advanced), and I have a 3yr old............I am struggling to see the similarities. We had a male member of staff while it was there..........it was the residents that ddn't have dementia that often didn't like it. The residents with dementia generally didn't want to be washed by anyone, such was there lack of understanding of what was happening, but none of their regressive memory had gone so far that it had gone back to before the time when they understood privacy/dignity issues.

A man in the DS's nursery was the one thing I think it's always lacked. Fabulous team there, but not a single male in site. Thankfully the infant school has an absolutely fabulous male headteacher who is very "hands on" with the children. Though maybe I should be worrying about the fact that my DS's have had their bums wiped by "random women".........though I guess with my 3rd and final child only a few months away from leaving nursery it's a little late

My brother works in childcare, though with older children in a breakfast/afterschool/holiday club. Thankfully he's not encountered any realy prejudice against him yet.

oh and btw - your child is actually more likely to be abused by someone you know well (friend or family member) than by their nursery worker..........

Sorry Alison39 - YABU
Everyone one would be concerned to 'have any man seeing your daughters private parts' if that man was RANDOM. This man has been checked and is your daughters carer...you have already stated that you are happy with him - the two ideas are at odds with one another. I think I would be equally unhappy for a RANDOM woman to ogle my daughters private parts- surely the 'right to privacy' extends to this.

I don't think anyone said you were weird, odd or sexist and you did say you'd appreciate thoughts and comments....

actually you know what - I've decided I don't like "random women" wiping my sons bottom............I'm going to go in to nursery with him tomorrow and demand a bloke to do it and an explanation as to why a female is being allowed to wipe his bum................

"just like there is no way on God's sweet earth I would ever let a man in the room when I'm in labour. "

ahhh - now I always said that - but when I had DS1 the surgeon was male (CS)........... and with DS2's induced VBAC well tbh I couldn't have cared less if it was a monkey stood at the end of that bed shoving their hand up my fanjo so long as they got the baby out. As the pain relief had failed (they didn't realised this) they suspected a possible rupture.......(thankfully it wasn't - was just crap pain relief) - the consultant on duty was a man - even if I'd been in a fit state to demand a female - I couldn't have cared less so long as I knew I wasn't splitting inside at risk of dying and losing my baby.............

alison yanbu, not all people have the same attitudes to modesty, some people may feel it is fine for their kids to walk around completely naked in front of others, some would only let them in front of same sex, some not at all, some people do introduce a concept of shame to their kids, to teach them what is appropriate, ie it is not appropriate to pull down others pants, show down there etc, and that is their choice, if you would prefer the male care worker not to be involved with intimate care of your dd why dont you just talk to nursery and say due to your beliefs you would prefer it?

Baroque, what on earth has your feelings on having a male in the labour room got to do with me ?

just wondering what you'd have done if you had the option of potentially die or have male that's all. The idea of having a man in the room while I was in labour was horrifying before the situation arose when I didn't have much choice (well I could have said no and thankfully things would have been fine.........but it might not have been)

nailak - and how does that work in an all female staff nursery where the parents of a boy say they don't want someone of the opposite sex helping them on the toilet...........

I think some people can't get their head around the fact that not. everyone. is like. them.

Baroque, as you well know, my point was not about life and death, it was about my preferences during labour. Some women are happy to have a team of students in the room when their in labour. Other women, not so much. I chose a midwife home birth and my back up hospital had only women at the helm. So there would have been no need for me to go near a man. This, of course, should be optional for every labouring woman.

Very strange that you compare a life and death situation to a woman not wanting a man to take her daughter to the toilet. Scraping the bottom of the barrel?

they're

no - I can accept that people are different (Thought hysterlical "OMG A MAN IS LOOKING AFTER MY CHILD does irk me) - I'm just pointing out that sticking rigidly to a "there's no way in hell I'm having any man other than my DH in the labour room"......isn't always possible (and believe me there was no way in hell I wanted it........until I didn't really have much of a choice by which time I couldn't have given a shite...........well I probably did shite actually as I was pushing a baby out...........

ok............let me ask you this if you saw a thread in this topic area that said

"I don't want my son's female nursery worker to take him to the toilet I want him to have a male taking him for privacy/dignity reasons"

And then I went on in the OP about how there had been recent cases of female nursery workers abusing children, and how would I know that these random women were safe to look after my child.

what would your honest reaction be????

Baroque I completely agree with you on the dementia point. I was just trying to say that a person with dementia may encounter difficulties being taken seriously by others because of the way others view dementia. I'm not that good at explaining myself at this late hour!

Nailak I absolutely teach my DCs that it's not appropriate to strip naked in front of all and sundry past a certain age. However, i'm not sure a young child in nappies would understand (or indeed give a crap about) what is appropriate. And a nursery worker paid and trusted to do a job changing a child/helping them in the toilet when they need it is appropriate anyway.

Plus, my original question hasn't been answered by anyone who thinks the male worker/female child thing is odd. Why is it all about opposite sexes anyway? A female abuser could abuse female children, a male abuser could abuse male children. Gender is completely irrelevant in being scared of paedophilia.

if i felt that way and i had a son that was of nursery ae then i wouldnt send them to that nursery i uess..

boys - i think the male worker/female child thing is odd too
ime in child protection it wasnt uncommon to come across same gender sexual abuse. and women sexually abusing children is not as uncommon as people think

fair enough - that makes sense to me. And obviously then avoid male childminders and nannies .

But you wouldn't expect the nursery who employs the staff to find a male, or change their (presumably Ofsted compliant) policies and procedures on toileting/nappy changing.........which I think is the key issue here.

If the OP wants to ensure that her DD only gets taken to the toilet by a female then she needs to find a childminder or nanny as the nursery are simply going to employ the best person for any vacant position - regardless of sex.

I have to say - I don't get along with my brother at all, but I do have a lot of respect for him, and other males in childcare settings who have dared to step into that job role. It must be a pretty horrifying place when so many people have such great distrust over any male that passes their child's way.

Having had bad experiences with childminders when I was a child, I decided on nursery care for my young children. My reasoning is that in a nursery enviroment there should not be an opportunity for any of the carers to be alone with my child, espcially before speech has been properly developed. And that goes for male and female carers. I was really sickened by that portsmouth lady but even more so with the nursery who gave her the ability to take advantage of the situation.

Whilst I can understand that people have different attitudes towards modesty, the fact is that the world cannot be run on individual irrational concerns/ prejudices.

So let's think rationally.

If he's a paedo, then you should be happy for neither a boy or a girl to be changed/wiped by him

If he's not, then there's not a problem.

Maybe, just maybe, he's a man who enjoys looking after children. How very dare he! Burn him at the stake!

Quite right, baggedandtagged!

If the nursery has employed him, then the nursery is happy with him, just as they are with the female staff they employ. Both sexes of staff will have been subject to the same CRB and reference checks. Presumably both male and female staff will take both boys and girls to the toilet.

OP, your choice is to keep your child at the nursery or to remove her to a place where you CAN dictate the gender of the person who takes her to the toilet.

I want to clarify my arguments here...as I am obviously in a minority and gven that I am a particulrly modest person I was prepared at the start of his thread to accept other opinions but....

When an adult has his or her genitalia handled or looked at by a medical professional, they are proteced by a chaperone...as is the doctor or nurse.

Fine...good....regardless of anyone's sex this is a good thing.

When an elderly patient who is female and my be very modest does not want a male carer, people respect that. It's thought of as fine and reasonable.

But when a child....boy or girl...is helped to go to the toilet they have no such chaperone...no protection and neither does the carer.

How is this ok?? I honestly cannot see why this is ok.

People speak of 3 year old's being "different" to elderly women with dementia...WHY? WHY can't a three year old have privacy or be protected because she or he is just as vulnerable as an elderly woman.

I am not a suspicious person...I don't look at all men and think they're perverts...but I DO think that people disregard children a lot.

Also, the people who say "Well nurseies can't afford extra staff"

f it was law then they would have to.

alison39 - I completely sympathise with you. I only wanted women looking after my DD when she was little. Even now, I am not 100% reassured by the male TAs at her school.

Anyone who doesnt think men should look after kids is being sexist. It is no different to the types of men that say women cant do traditional male jobs. Not all men are paedos or dodgy. It is why men get put off from doing things like this and I know men who work with older children as they are very caring and good with children but worry about people judging them as 'paedos'

Not every woman or mother is naturally good at looking after children not by a long shot. How many times even on sites like this do you hear people who find it difficult to spend all their time with their children or dont naturally know what to do with them? They find it tedious and think their skills lie in other areas?

Some men and some women are just naturally good with children. Some men and some women find it a struggle and it doesnt come naturally to them at all.