Sad that I have hidden the truth about our relationship

[Impic]

Looking back I'm sad Iv has to lie about my relationship for over 20 years.

When I met my DH we had this immediate attraction to eachother. I just knew we were ment to be together.

But he had a girlfriend. They were a really odd couple. He was fun and outgoing and she was quiet and antisocial. Everyone said they weren't right together.

Anyway they split up and we got together. Circumstances ment that for a while wed spend a month or so together but then not be able to see eachother for several months.

After we'd been seeing eachother for about a year he told me his ex had a baby who was now four months old. He said he thought he was probably the father but he wasn't 100 percent sure.

Circumstances were complicated and probably too outing to explain but I know he wasn't really being much of a father to the baby. He could of changed the circumstances but he chose not to.

Anyway circumstances eventually changed and we were able to see eachother more regularly. He said his ex wouldn't let him see the baby because she wasn't happy about how absent hed been and wasn't happy that he had moved on.

Then out of the blue she basically publically humiliated him, telling all his friends and family stuff that made him look bad and it also turned out that he'd been letting her think they were still in a relationship all that time and she never stopped him seeing the baby.

So obviously he'd been lying to me the whole time and cheating on me. but I loved him too much to dump him so we came up with a lie to tell my family about why he suddenly had a baby over a year old because otherwise they'd hate him and I would have to choose between him and them and that was impossible.

It sounds bad what he did but

1. They'd only been together about 3 months when she got pregnant. He didn't want to keep the baby and she originally agreed but then changed her mind

1. He didn't know she was pregnant when we started seeing eachother.

1. He'd been planning on breaking up with her anyway at that point and was just waiting for the right time.

1. He didn't want to break up with her when she was pregnant or looking after a small baby because she had problems with anorexia, cutting, drinking and drugs and he didn't want to tip her over the edge

1. He thought she would get the message that there relationship was over sooner and also thought that she would behave like a decent person and not publically humiliate him when she did.

I know that our relationship has always been great and we had the perfect love story when we got together but I hate that Ive had to lie all these years to protect DH because other people won't understand and even with the lie we told lots of people still think he must of done something wrong.

I didn't mean to write so much. I'm just glad to of got it off my chest.

He’s a dreadful father, I notice you are studiously avoiding anyone that asks if he has any contact with his child.
We all know the answer.

I suspect what you mean, is that in conversation, if asked, you mention he has a child he has no contact with, and it's that situation you're trying to explain without it reflecting badly on him? Is that why these thoughts are front of mind?

Yes, it’s all about their reputation. Being a deadbeat dad doesn’t fit in with the ‘perfect guy and couple’ image the OP is clearly desperate to portray and protect.
Do the ex and child still live locally, and people might possibly already know about them? I assume that’s the reason you don’t just outright ignore/deny their existence when asked?

He did know what to do in the difficult situation, he just didn't want to do it.

I'm not avoiding anyone asking about dhs contact with his child. As I said even though he wasn't so good at first he has since been a great dad.

His DC is very much part of our family. If they weren't then why would I tell people about them?

Lots of people piling on you OP

I’m glad to see it in 90 days only

You’ve been able to get it off your chest and in time it will disappear

Life is very difficult. You deal with the things that you are presented at the time. People interpret what you say often harshly because they don’t know the in-depth story.

@Impic

Wondering why now, after 20 years, are you feeling unsettled?

Has something specifically happened?

The burden of carrying "your secret" and lying to everyone* *must have taken it's toll, you must feel ill.

Sadly, I am unable to proffer any solution as to how you could even justify your choices, throughout your lifetime, without impacting those who love you.

It may be one you have to take with you, to the bitter end.

People who already know you know whatever version you’ve given them. So they’re done and dusted, move on.

Who on earth are you meeting who’s new who gives a fuck about how you two got together 20 years ago? No one has ever said to me ‘hi, good to meet you new friend. I see you’re long term married. How did you get together all those years ago? Any skeletons?’

So the child doesn’t resent all the lies and the smear campaign you both created about his mother and the fact that you were both carrying on behind her back whilst pregnant? That’s a spot of luck.
Hang on, is it the child’s age that stops you being able to lie? As in you can’t boast about your perfect love story and how you met 20 years ago….because the child is 20?

A “great dad” in the same way yours is a “perfect love story”, I’m thinking.

You say he’s a great dad and yet you don’t actually describe how in any concrete terms.

There are men I no longer speak to with whom I had a more “perfect love story” than this. Blimey!

Genuinely intrigued as to what sort of "in-depth" story could justify the OP's husband cheating on the mother of his child while she was pregnant, then spreading lies that she never told him she was pregnant in the first place!

The adult child of which your DH is the father but you are not the mother makes it impossible to square the circle. How can you have the perfect love story of your getting together 20 years ago with a present 20 year old from a previous relationship? If only the adult child were absent or prepared to lie about their age no one else would need to know the truth! Fact is the start of your relationship was bad. The truth is bad. Lies make him look bad. Because his behaviour was bad.

Other people are not that interested and their opinions don’t really matter. But this seems to matter to you. Telling yourself stories about instant attraction and perfect love stories in situations that were far from perfect and involved lying and cheating may be the first step in questioning the truth about your relationship. Did your DH know you were meant to be together as soon as you met? If he did why did he continue to sleep with his girlfiend and remain in a relationship with her? It wasn't for her benefit. There was no benefit. I was married to my ex for decades before I could face the truth.

Your feelings are important here. Maybe do the WA freedom programme to better understand why you chose him and chose to lie to protect him and your relationship. If your relationship is solid there is no threat to that but you deserve peace of mind.

It's not like anyone's that interested but sometimes in conversation things just come up and then then I have to give some kind of explanation or they'll judge.

Thanks x

People would judge harshly and noones interested enough to hear the whole in depth story.

I do not need to do the freedom programme. My DH is not abusive.

But thanks for your post.

Looking at everything you've said about your husband I'm curious about how you were ever able to trust him.

He lied about breaking up with his girlfriend.
He lied (by omission) about her pregnancy and the existence of the baby until several months after the birth.
He lied about her not letting him see the baby.
He lied about her having issues with drugs and alcohol.
He possibly (probably?) lied about her being a self-harming anorexic.
He got you to participate in a lie to cover up all his lies and bad behaviour.

I really do hope he proved himself worthy of your forgiveness and trust but I think if I found out a man had told me so many lies I would have trouble believing anything he ever said.

’i have to give some kind of explanation and i have to make up lies or they’d judge’
i fixed it for you.

The freedom programme is 100% about the feelings of sadness that women have about their on going non-abusive relationships. These feelings persist for decades. It’s not about whether your DH is abusive. You have the feelings, not him. It’s about you. It seems like the people who innocently ask about the origin of your relationship are not people you feel you can be honest with. You may benefit from community of feeling the same as other women who have experienced similar and lie about the origin of their relationship (and maybe how it is now) due to misplaced shame.

I knew someone who was in a similar situation. I don't know what happened to her, her boyfriend or his ex in the end. I hope she didn't lie to protect him and marry him like you did because he was awful.

The girl I knew wasn't to blame for her boyfriend being a bad father or treating his other girlfriend like shit but I think she validated his actions by going along with it. She was very young and inexplicably blinded by love for a quite frankly horrible man so her lack of insight was understandable. You were probably the same, though I hope your dh isn't horrible.

The past is the past now and if you're happy with your life now you'll just have to get over it, but is there anyway you can start to change what you tell people so you don't make his ex look bad? That does seem really unfair on her.

Wonder what he will say about you

i honestly think the people you know don’t believe all this and it defo doesn’t make him sound like a good guy

I hope you believe it was worth it.. Presumably it's touch and go.

People on this thread keep saying noone believes what we told them anyway. Why wouldn't they?

For heaven's sake, OP, because it doesn't add up? Because you're obviously in denial?

Because the 'his crazy ex conveniently didn't tell him he had impregnated her until long after he got together with me, so he's whiter than white even if it looks bad' is very obviously the patched-together cover story of someone unable to cope with the ugly truth of the overlapping start and end of your partner's messy sexual relationships, and the child who was brought into all this mess?

Because you admit yourself that you essentially made up the story of him not being able to leave her because of her 'drinking, anorexia and drug addiction' -- she's just thin, and has occasionally drunk to excess and smoked weed?

Because its about as believable as me being a 6 ft man named Fred.