Has anyone found ageing parents become unable to hold a two way conversation

[Blackberryandcherry]

Let me preface this by saying I adore my mum and she is so kind and would do anything for me. But, as she’s become older (she’s 70) she seems to have lost the inability to have a two way conversation.

If I meet up with her I tend to get a monologue about various (I think minor) things which have been happening either that day or that week. I can often see her and say almost nothing as I just get talked at.

If I’ve been on holiday, she’ll likely remember to ask how it was, but then with no follow up questions about how was the food, or the hotels or any of the usual things one might ask (for example).

I’ve had a few things going on in my life recently and she’ll never ask about them. She never asks about my friends, or what I’ve been up to. For example I may say I met up with X friend at the weekend but she’d never think to ask what we got up to, or how they were, it’s just straight into her next topic.

I can’t work out if she’s not interested, not listening or too busy thinking of what she’ll talk about next.

It’s odd because my grandmother got like this when she was older and my mum complained bitterly about it at the time.

Can anyone relate to this? I have no idea if I should try and address it, or just put it down to older age. I have just been feeling increasingly drained and frustrated with it recently.

Are you one of my siblings? My mum is falling into the same patterns, and I can’t work out how to adress it with her.

Anyone talking, any topic - her response is to relate it to herself.

You could be chatting to a neighbour about a car parking issue and she’d go ‘we can park three cars on our drive’. I broke my arm and she would talk about was how good her GP / local hospital is. Mention you’re planning a cruise and she will tell you about a ferry she went on 15 years ago. Always long derailing stories, and in response to literally anything.

It’s bad enough when it’s just the family, but sometimes other friends or acquaintances are involved and the stories are so tenuous and irrelevant.

No solution for you - but you are not alone…!

Yes, my mum is almost 80 though.

I get a full on monologue and basically lists of information, often about people I do not know, or know vaguely.

Then she says "I don't think I have anything else to tell you"! I could have gone to the moon and she wouldn't think to ask!

It does make me dread chatting sometimes but I just nod along. I wouldn't address it is as I wouldn't want to upset her, or cause words, but I feel your pain!

My mum has been like this for some time. I think it's a combination of deafness (best not to ask anything if you can't hear/understand the answer) and a sort of self-centredness which has set in as she has become older.
It is frustrating.

Why does this happen? Is it that their worlds have become very small post-retirement? Lost the skill of making conversation?

My SIL is like this. Just 70. Will I be like this in 5 years 😱

I do think some of it is just a shrinking life outside the home - no longer working; seeing friends who are an echo chamber; limited interests. Shoot me now.

Yes, my 80 year old Mum does this. Her world is very small now so she gives me the same monologue each time I call her. She rarely asks how things are with me.

Well my mum is 75 and in no way does this. She wants to know everything about us and our lives! We talk about all sorts. She is very up on current affairs and culture too. She does occasionally forget that she’s told me certain things already but that’s the worst of it!

My mum is similar but not as bad. The first 15 minutes of phone call will be about village gossip, her builders coming to look at something in the house/ conservatory roof, some recent girls book club meeting etc.

sometimes she briefly asks how I am and as I’m 2 minutes into talking she says I’ve got to dash I’ve got something in the oven. And hangs up.

Yes I often wonder how she is around her friends.

I completely emphasise with you.

I just can’t figure out the root cause either as she has a fairly active social life and keeps fit etc. It would just be nice if she pretended to be interested from time to time 😄

My DM was like this and would monologue for an hour about mundane details of her life and the lives of people I had never met, then say “anyway, are you alright? Bye!”
I think it was because she lived alone and had little social interaction apart from exchanging basic pleasantries with neighbours, local shopkeepers and random people on the bus, so the only opportunity she had to properly talk about herself was when I phoned her.

My mother and I used to complain to each other that my grandmother only talked about what she ate for lunch and her various ailments (and those of her friends). She also knew what her friends ate for lunch. We never understood why she was like that but looking back she was always very self-centred.

Yep. Had vertigo and was at home feeling horrendous. Rang to say I wouldn't be coming to see her (2 hours drive) and all she could focus on was obsession about the guy I was due to meet whilst at hers who was thinking of renting some land off me. How it would impact her as he'd spoken rudely to her about ten million years ago (allegedly). I called her out on it when i was better but she was oblivious.

Yes all this.

Also random non-sequitars.

Me: "I was up all night and exhausted but i cant face another heart surgery / hospital stay which prob wont work especially when the kids are so small"
Mum: "hmmm... I got some new plants in the garden centre last week. One was a hosta. I bought you 2 hostas and you didnt bother with them and the slugs got them."

Me: I have no clue how I am going to manage drop offs and pick ups to childminder and the school in september dhs job just isnt flexible and the 2 are in opposite directions. I'm sure ill work it out but its just so stressful"
"Hmmm.... Did I tell you Catherine and her girls are back visiting in May?"

I have now started saying how does X relate to Y and get told I'm difficult and critical.

My DM was like this and would monologue for an hour about mundane details of her life and the lives of people I had never met, then say “anyway, are you alright? Bye!”

This describes exactly what my 76 year old DM does. Drives me mad. Then complains I don't tell her anything any more. Well, it's because you never ask and on the odd occasion you do, you are merely holding your breath until you can revert the conversation back to your topics.

It's very wearing and actually makes me feel a bit lonely, my mum was always who I chatted to about everything. I have tried to tell her but she got upset, which is totally out of character too. I guess it's the next phase in our relationship.

I have no advice for you OP, but every sympathy.

My nanna was like this and we used to laugh about how you could phone her up and not get a word in for 20 minutes. Now she is 90 and has dementia and she has gone quiet and struggles to join in with conversations and I miss the pointless chatter.

My mum has become like this over the past five years. She had a rough time the previous 30 years being married to my dad, and once he passed away she remarried and is now living life to the full. She is very sociable, has lots of friends and is well-liked everywhere.
But she has no interest in me or my children. She wanted to come stay for my daughter's birthday and my daughter and I felt like it wouldn't work. We knew the format already:

She arrives and talks about herself and her new husband for as long as we are all awake and in the same room.

She's peeved that my daughter has plans already and has mentioned she'll put her gifts in the post. She hasn't seen my daughter for months, doesn't speak to her or text her. Didn't ask what my daughter wanted. Her gifts can be a little off, as though they are built around the idea of a person instead of just finding out what they'd like. Her idea of me, and my daughter, is often way off.

I wish she gave a shit. She gets a pass for the years of shit she endured but why does her happiness now mean she has absolutely zero interest in me or my children?

Yes, combination of dementia and deafness. It's so sad we can't talk like we used to anymore. So much has already gone.

My mother is early sixties and does this! My grandma does it too. It must be partially a personality though, my grandmother's sister is in her nineties and very interested in what other people have to say.

My mum has always been a bit like this. She asks me about my life but seems to only be able to have a conversation on a surface level IYSWIM. I assumed it was just her generation's way as DH's parents are very much the same, in fact even worse I'd say. eg "How's work?" and then when you say it's fine they go "Good, glad to hear it" and then onto the next thing, like they're making small talk with someone at a family function who you don't see very often.

I always assumed it was because many people of that generation of 70 and 80 somethings were brought up not discussing feelings or emotions. They just like to know that their loved ones are fine and then they're satisfied.

I think old age has just made it much more obvious really as their lives have shrunk and they get a bit more out of touch with some aspects of modern lifem especially workplace culture so can't comprehend the issues sometimes. But you think they'd ask the right kind of questions to help them understand.

It gets a bit annoying sometimes. Especially when the focus is supposed to be on someone else eg meal at a fancy restaurant for DC's 18th. It was just me, mum and DC). I'd say about 70% of the conversation was my mum talking about what she'd been up to, what her friends and neighbours had been up to, all their health issues and problems with their families, and very little to try to make sure the main topics of conversation was aimed at DC's life and interests, which was what, after all, we were there for specifically on that occasion.

I honestly don't think she means anything by it, or even indicates that she is a selfish person (she really isn't). She is generally the most helpful, giving mum and grandparent you could get. It's just the conversation thing!

It's one of the things that is putting me off deciding on an early retirement. I can afford it, but it worries me that I will quickly become out of touch with modern life.

My mum is like this and she's only mid 60s!

Just talks mostly about herself, if anyone else does start talking she'll talk over you until you stop. Also talking about the same problems over and over. She very rarely asks about me or shows any interest. I'm not sure if this is a new thing or if she's always been like this

Same with my MIL, whatever you say she'll find a way to relate it back to her and then monologue about herself for hours

Is it coming to all of us? Sometimes I feel like I'm just a therapist who's job is to sit there and get talked at

I have the same thing with my dad. He goes off on a ramble and I struggle to get any words in 🤨

I think it's a cack--handed attempt at finding common ground as a way of showing empathy. It doesn't sound like it's one upmanship.

But yes, it seems to be so prevalent amongst the older generations that I wonder if it's just what happens to all of us to a greater or lesser extend as we age.

Same experience here. I feel guilty as sometimes dread seeing my 75 year old mum as I know I’m going to get talked at for hours- It’s draining. But I try and remember that one day we wont be able to talk anymore and that sort of helps. She also keeps dropping hints about holidaying together but I can’t bear a week of inane chat about her ailments and people I don’t know. She has admitted that she writes a list of things she’s going to talk to me about and I sometimes get a word in edgeways after she’s got through her topics. 😀

LOL, maybe it is because us parents have heard it all before, made exactly the same mistakes or silly decisions when younger, our kids took no notice of our advice and experience and now want to bore us with all the stuff that's gone wrong (which we predicted).
Easier to talk about our own lives rather than saying "I told you so" in a very loud voice and getting into an argument.

Is it age or personality? Neither mum nor either of my grandmas were like this a 50’something friend is though 🙄. So wearing. Monologuing about yourself.