Has anyone found ageing parents become unable to hold a two way conversation

[Blackberryandcherry]

Let me preface this by saying I adore my mum and she is so kind and would do anything for me. But, as she’s become older (she’s 70) she seems to have lost the inability to have a two way conversation.

If I meet up with her I tend to get a monologue about various (I think minor) things which have been happening either that day or that week. I can often see her and say almost nothing as I just get talked at.

If I’ve been on holiday, she’ll likely remember to ask how it was, but then with no follow up questions about how was the food, or the hotels or any of the usual things one might ask (for example).

I’ve had a few things going on in my life recently and she’ll never ask about them. She never asks about my friends, or what I’ve been up to. For example I may say I met up with X friend at the weekend but she’d never think to ask what we got up to, or how they were, it’s just straight into her next topic.

I can’t work out if she’s not interested, not listening or too busy thinking of what she’ll talk about next.

It’s odd because my grandmother got like this when she was older and my mum complained bitterly about it at the time.

Can anyone relate to this? I have no idea if I should try and address it, or just put it down to older age. I have just been feeling increasingly drained and frustrated with it recently.

I wonder if it’s about perceiving people as separate to you? Your dd sees you as mum, still an extension of herself. So many parents see their offspring as just that, rather than people in their own right. Could that be behind it?

It’s a good job I’m reading this (have new specs) rather than hearing this (resisting aids but hear in strobe for which I take lots of stick) at 71. DH is the same age.
We are fully interested in our 40+ year old ACs’ lives, ask constantly, give valued opinion when requested but tread the line of interfering/ being nosy.
We’re not too old to have tremendous fun with their young DC and love it. Playfighting, doing daft things, being young with them.
Some people are very self-centred, regardless of their age. It’s a shame, really.

I also have the mundane monologue followed by moaning that I haven’t told her things. She’s out and about loads so it’s not related to being stuck in.

ive also noticed how nasty she’s getting about others, she never used to speak like that, it’s incredibly mean.

My mum isn’t like this but she does make quite a lot of effort to socialise (art group, book club, WI, lunch clubs etc) as she hates being stuck at home with my dad who is grumpy and latterly deaf too. She is very sharp at 88. Dad on the other hand just monologues and is in cognitive decline. I don’t think I’ve seen him do anything other than read and eat in the last 10 years. Lockdown was the final thing I think.

Almost 80, speak to my daughter most days, we chat about my granddaughter, her work, my activities, her dad, plan outings, all sorts. I speak to my son less often, but converse with him and my daughter in law about all sorts, grandchildren, his dad, gardens, work, food, holidays. I truly hope I don’t lose interest in their lives!

This is lovely. My MIL is like this too, she always asks life, work, friends etc.

My 85 year old father is this. He will listen to what you say and then tell you a story vaguely related to show he understood you. Drives me batty.

Oh I wish my mum would ramble on. We used to talk on the phone for hours. Now 3 min max- she is only 72 but seems to have forgotten how to ask questions or be interested in others. Her life has shrunk and she does very little but scroll on her phone so there isn't much I can ask her and she tends to answer with sort answers rather than elaborate. This means I monologue at her about the grandchildren and what we've been up to but it's because she seems to have forgotten how to converse. It's such a shame because it makes it such hard work I tend to ring her and meet her less. Sometimes when she does say things she gets the tone wrong or sounds so bitchy or judgy that I wish she hadn't spoken! I think Covid was the beginning of the decline as her world shrunk so much

I think it's an age-related thing.
With my mum it's a kind of laziness because she's more comfortable wittering on than putting effort into a two way conversation.

Bloody hell, I thought it was just my mum (84)

She has very little interest in me or her two grandchildren.

I think it’s to do with fading memory and processing skills.They hear things but don’t always process them properly - ie store them in the right memory place. Because of that, they forget them or fail to engage any interest or empathy when they respond - or simply don’t respond at all.

The first signs I noticed with my mum were quite subtle. I told her I needed tests for a possible heart problem and she didn’t really show concern or worry, whereas just a couple of years previously she would have done. She also never asked me about the results of the tests and seemed disinterested when I told her. Previously she’d have been phoning me every day in a state of worry and concern.

So, I think it’s a form of cognitive decline. Some people get it earlier than others sadly.

I’ve found this strangely reassuring and compelling tonight, so thanks for starting it OP.

Same here. I ring my dad every week, and I have to psych myself up for it. Our lives are just so far apart, literally and figuratively, that I think it’s just very very hard for him to bridge that gap because he doesn’t have the language eg he had one job all his life, a trade, and I am self-employed consultant in an industry that’s alien to him.

It’s almost exactly as others have said above - he’ll monologue about his one hobby group or how he walked into town and bought stuff from Iceland and isn’t the discount good, and I got the bus up home rather than walk and then I put the wash on and then I did the ironing and then I watched Police Interceptors and then you’ll never guess what happened to this one bloke who was caught speeding, oh and do you remember Johnny from two doors down, well he’s dead, and I wonder who will get the house.

And then he’ll say: all good with you rhen? Work all going alright for you? And then you try to explain and he tells me a story about when he was an apprentice in 1975. And then it’s oh actually since we’re talking about David, my boss from 1975, well his daughter Jemima was in Tesco’s the other day and I asked her how he was and he’s had a stroke.

He never asks about my DC, not really. It’s the same thing. How’s DS? He’s great, it was a nice day here so we went to the park, but he’s struggling a bit with maths so we’re trying to help him. Ah yes well maths was always hard for me, I remember I did a maths test when I was studying to do x trade and I struggled with it but look how far I’ve come now

This happened with me and my Mum about 10 years ago when she was in mid to late seventies. I remember feeling very hurt as I had stuff going in my life and it felt like she didn't care which was completely unlike her. She was diagnosed with dementia and Alzheimer's a few years ago and looking back, I am sure this personality change was an early sign. This hopefully isn't the case with your mum but be patient with her and alert to anything else in case it is.

It's an age thing, it can't be avoided. My mum is exactly like this, even down to in the past complaining that her mum was like this - now she's exactly the same.

Even worse, she knows she's doing it. She might say, in a joking way, something like "sorry I have to tell you about this ornament because I'm old". So she knows but she doesn't care, she would rather enjoy telling you that story than force herself to have a different type of conversation.

My dad has changed in a way more typical for men I believe, he doesn't say a thing. I can visit them for hours with him saying 4-5 words, although I ask him things and talk about the news. Mum talking over the top doesn't help.

I try not to let it annoy me. We all have different conversational styles that change as we age, and of course the topics we are interested in naturally change. It's just life.

Yes this is 100% my experience with my almost 80 DM and it does get me down to be honest as it sometimes feels like she’s not that interested or engaged with my life when she used to be a lot more understanding. I think it’s part of ageing and their lives slowing down and getting a bit smaller and on the quieter side of frenetic. She will actively interrupt conversations to bring it back to her, it’s so annoying! I’m just trying to be patient and kind 🤷‍♀️

My mum's nearly 80 and exactly the same! She talks over people and interrupts constantly. Also glued to her phone whilst having a conversation. Reads out her Facebook feed, so infuriating! Been like this for years though. She is so lovely and helpful and this is the only annoying thing about her.

My mum was like this, but from her mid 50s. She was never interested in my life, but used to have good conversations with her friends. Although my dad died around then, she had a good social life, but I think loneliness did creep in.
Since she never asked me questions, she never found out what was going on in my life. Also, like PPs, she had no basis to understand anything about my job or how my life worked, it was so different to her experience and, like in so many areas of her life, she wasn't curious/ didn't want to learn/ didn't really care.
Then cognitive decline and deafness finished off any chance that she could hear or understand, anyway.

My dad is 70 and he’s still a good conversationalist. He’s a proper fucking chatterbox though so you’d hope he was good at it. I do remember towards the end of my nans life she did like to monologue about aches and pains and how when you get old you’re constipated.

I was taking to DB about this exact topic yesterday.

Typical convo with DM:

Me: “I’m worried about DC2’s problem with xyz. What do you think I should advise them?”
DM: “oh I have no idea. But do you know what, my washing dried outside in 3 hours today! And
I hoovered the whole downstairs of the house. Then Betty popped in for a cup of coffee and she really liked my homemade sponge cake. After that I watched the news and then a TV programme which Betty recommended but it was boring. I’ve had.such a busy day! Gotta go now dear! Bye!”

My 65yo DM does this, talks non stop a load of crap and isn’t interested in anything I might say. I think it’s a cognitive decline thing (even though she’s not old she’s been a smoker and drinker which can impact brain health)

I just don’t see her too often that it annoys me

It drives me crazy but I think it’s a little bit of anxiety and drawing back to things that she knows about. She stores up pieces of information and probably practices them a little bit, like ‘I must show Sally that postcard when she visits’ then when I visit, I’m shown the postcard that has been saved for me and have to exclaim several times each time it’s brought up.

it’s sad. I think she’s a bit afraid of talking about things outside her smaller world, so if I say I’ve been away to (say) Warsaw with work, rather than show curiosity, she’ll produce Mary’s postcard again and we repeat the performance.

DM has always been a monologuer, because she likes to be the centre of attention. But with age (even since 60) she's become even worse. I think it's partly a cognitive thing - she finds it hard to process any new information, especially if it didn't happen to her. And she loses her sense of what's socially acceptable and polite. So she just glosses right over anything we tell her about us or her grandchildren, and gets straight back onto Things That Happened To Me (preferably a long time ago).

My sister and I used to have a competition to see how long we could go without speaking when one of us was on the phone with her. You could leave the phone, go and make a cup of coffee, and then come back to the receiver and she'd still be talking and none the wiser. None of your responses matter to her anyway, so it doesn't matter if you didn't hear what she said. Now I only phone her when I need to do an online supermarket order, and just click away filling up my trolley while she does her monologue on speakerphone.

On the other hand, I know at least two lovely ladies in their 80s/90s who are sharp and clever and interested in everyone's lives. (And they have very interesting lives themselves, but never dominate the conversation.) They are always a pleasure to have a conversation with.

My DM thinks I don’t ask her anything when I actually do. She just has selective memory. I can literally show her screenshots of where I have asked about something when she accuses me of not having asked about it, and she still maintains that we (my siblings and I) don’t ask about her.

I also think if you want to tell someone something, tell them. Especially if it’s a close family member. Why do you have to wait to be asked about your holiday if you have something to share?

A lot more people seem to be like this now, of any age. Does she spend a lot of time online?