Has anyone found ageing parents become unable to hold a two way conversation

[Blackberryandcherry]

Let me preface this by saying I adore my mum and she is so kind and would do anything for me. But, as she’s become older (she’s 70) she seems to have lost the inability to have a two way conversation.

If I meet up with her I tend to get a monologue about various (I think minor) things which have been happening either that day or that week. I can often see her and say almost nothing as I just get talked at.

If I’ve been on holiday, she’ll likely remember to ask how it was, but then with no follow up questions about how was the food, or the hotels or any of the usual things one might ask (for example).

I’ve had a few things going on in my life recently and she’ll never ask about them. She never asks about my friends, or what I’ve been up to. For example I may say I met up with X friend at the weekend but she’d never think to ask what we got up to, or how they were, it’s just straight into her next topic.

I can’t work out if she’s not interested, not listening or too busy thinking of what she’ll talk about next.

It’s odd because my grandmother got like this when she was older and my mum complained bitterly about it at the time.

Can anyone relate to this? I have no idea if I should try and address it, or just put it down to older age. I have just been feeling increasingly drained and frustrated with it recently.

@Crushed23 I certainly do tell them when we are chatting & I do not have a selective memory.

I think this is very common in older people. I think it’s a combination of things. Failing hearing so listening and responding become harder and harder. Not feeling comfortable in the modern world where everything is so different to the world they grew up in. So social mores are so alien and things seem to be moving very fast. It’s difficult for them to process information or conduct animated conversations because of cognitive decline.
Their world is shrinking and they don’t get out as much or see as many people. So watching the neighbours or the TV becomes their main occupation.

Living alone or being more isolated means there is more introspection but also more fear or what’s to come. So self absorption is greater. They stop travelling far or going on holiday so talking about holidays or days out is something they can no longer relate to.
My mother never asks me how my holiday was . She monologues about her childhood instead.

Also they may not talk to many people so if they have a captive audience they just want to unload all their thoughts and feelings at once.

65 is not elderly!

I could have written your post OP, and relate to so many of the other posts on this thread.

It’s particularly hard when you’ve always been close and very open with each. Last year I was having problems in my relationship and wanted to speak to my mum about it. We were setting off on a long drive and I didn’t want to just blurt it out, so I stayed quiet and weirdly (for her) so did she. After 3/4 minutes of silence I broke and said ‘So, how are things down at the club?’ - 1.5 hours later, we arrived at our destination and I never got a word in. On the way back she was in full flow, so I never did speak to her about it. I felt very sad.

I have spoken to her about the monologues, I’ve told her she doesn’t ask how I am/work/kids. Nothing changes.

Still love her to pieces 🩷

I think a lot of it’s to do with living alone. My late MIL was like this - she had friends she saw, but if you visited, she wanted to tell you all about what was concerning her, and wasn’t that interested in any replies. My DH used to put it down to the fact that she hadn’t spoken much that day and had to get rid of the pent-up conversation. If he telephoned her, really she just wanted someone to talk at rather than any sort of exchange. I think it’s very sad and a manifestation of loneliness.

We will all be in that situation one day. Patience and tolerance are important.

My dad is like this and he’s only 61! I don’t know if I’m relieved it’s not just him, or horrified it’s never going to improve tbh. He loves to come and see me, but it’s literally just hours of him sitting talking at me. He does ask if I’m okay, but irregardless of what I say, the conversation swiftly reverts back to him, and like others say there’s never any follow up questions about me, he genuinely has zero interest. I could be suffering through another 30 years of this 😭

I'm actually really glad you asked this OP, it's made me feel a lot less alone! Tomorrow I'm due for my weekly call with my DM and I'm not looking forward to it. She's 75 and it's been coming on for the last 5 years or so but these days I can barely get a word in and when I do she acts like I'm interrupting and just continues or repeats what she just said. No curiosity about me or my life whatsoever. We've never been close but lately I've really struggled.
I think the thing is, parents are supposed to let their children monologue, not the other way around. Parents are supposed to care about everything their kids do and without expecting the same level of interest in return. That's part of being a parent. There was a PP who mentioned her 22 year old daughter doing this - but that's normal. What we've got here is that it starts to switch around as your parents get geriatric, and you realise you're now parenting your parent. It's strange and lonely (and boring) and it feels weirdly like rejection. One of my DGM managed not to be like this, she was still interested and actively moral support into her 90s. I hope I manage to be like her!

In my own experience, when my in laws and dad turned 70 they all went like this. Once, when they were in the same room, it was quite funny because not one of them was listening to the other so they were all just saying random things 😅

Mine talk about their medical appointments all the time. It is not the retirement I had hoped for for them. It makes me sad. But yes, you're not alone.

Yes my mum has always done it. Shes either interrogating you or monologues or rarely, asks one question but starts talking over you when you are a few words in.

ive realised now I have a teenager that she’s always talked about herself a lot, usually in glowing terms.

I went to New York in 2025 with my husband and daughter, she’s yet to ask us about it. And I mean as basic as did you have a good holiday. My daughter is doing her GCSE’s , again not asked.

ive had more in depth conversations on public transport with a stranger!

My husband does this with my mum when she talks over him, he just stops talking. I used to think he was really rude (that’s how I was conditioned to think her talking over me was normal). She doesn’t notice he’s done it though.

My parents have been like this for a while. E.g. when DD and I went to a massive concert at Wembley they started going on about a tribute act in their village hall etc. Me and DH still shudder about the weeks long saga of when their internet went down and it was all they could talk about, updates on when the new router was arriving etc.

I try and use it as a reminder to always make an effort to ask others about their lives and take an interest in their answers.

An uncle is like this. He literally tells the same
story about his a levels every time we see him. We saw him the day before dd1 got her results and we couldn’t talk about her even then. Back to his results in bloody 1962. I wanted to shout “hers are here and now and happening tomorrow “!!!!

We are building a house, parents not at all interested. Showed them plans ... Nothing. Six months into the build and when they came for lunch recently they spent 2 mins looking at how we are doing. No excitement, no concern, no interest. Tried to shock them with price of windows ... no response. Makes me sad.

Hmm, my DM (84) has been like this my entire life. My DF (87) and DFIL (89) are not like this and still converse properly back and forth. I'm late 50s and consciously try not to do it as I realised many years ago I had the tendency, I just find it hard sometimes to stay focussed on what the other person is saying and often come to a conversation with a few things lined up that I wanted to say and those thoughts keep butting in. I sometimes realise I've done it a bit and make a conscious effort next time I speak to that person to make sure I focus on them. I also try and think in advance of things to ask them about, so for example one friend's brother stood for council yesterday I must ask her how he got on (I do know, I looked online but would like more detail). I also practice on DH. I worry I'll slip back as I get older. I genuinely like proper back and forth conversation and hearing about other's lives but have to work on it a bit.

You are not alone OP. I used to talk to my mother 5 times a week about literally anything, life, the kids, tv, work. She's 76 now and the past few years our conversations last no more than 2 minutes. She has lost the ability to follow a conversation or story I might be telling her. She had a hearing aid which she rarely wears, so this may be part of the problem. She never ever ever asks me how I am, but will speak fluently about her various, self induced health issues or local gossip. It's like a slow death, and one I find quite sad if I reflect on it. She's very very self obsessed, says lots of inappropriate things and has no ability to consider the other person's feelings. She resents looking after anybody more vulnerable than her (husband and mother) because, it's always about her. Getting old is 💩. On the other hand, I'm very very interested in my childrens' drama and that of their friends. I hope that never changes. 😂😂😂

I agree maybe it comes with age but for many it’s a personality thing and they are always like it. Neither of my parents or grandparents were like this all lovely people who maintained genuine interest and care for others right until the end.

My mum is his her late 80s and mentally very sharp but I’ve also noticed this. She’s in her own and I think it’s the lack of company that does this. She’s does have hobbies she goes to but when you add them together, she’s probably only in those Things for only four hours a week and on her own for all very remaining hours. That is an awful lot of time to be on your own and not talking to anybody. I think that then results in the verbal diarrhoea you’re all describing. They are subconsciously desperate to offload everything that is in their brain as they haven’t been able to share it with anybody until they see you. It’s sad really and I think it happens to most people on their own.

My mum is 78 and same here. Yes one way conversations and seems to have happened in the last 5ish years. I feel lonely as we used to talk about everything.

I gather this happens quite a lot, although it never did with my grandfather - he was always a very gregarious sort and remained very social until he was in the final weeks of his life in his early 90s. But I think often a kind of insularity comes with age.

@Wearealldoingourbest this thread makes for sad reading. I believe you have to make the effort to remain aware as you get older.

My mums been like this my whole life really. Talks at me rather than with me, asks me a question then doesn’t listen to the answer. It makes me incredibly sad and had a big impact for years on my ability to feel worthy of love.

she’s also incapable of empathy and if I say something has happened to me, it’s always a response about when it happened to her or someone she k ow. She also says highly inappropriate and insensitive things, it’s like there’s no filter. For example when I told her my husband had a heart attack her response was “he’s in St George’s? That’s a shame royal Brompton is much better for heart issues”. In that moment showing off about how much she knows about London hospitals was more important than being sympathetic.

its got worse as she’s got older and she’s never really had close friends, my guess is because she’s just not nice to be around which makes it worse.

her new thing is to sit scrolling on her phone constantly and just read out news headlines while my dad ignores her as it’s so annoying. She will also tell stories really slowly with loads of detail as she loves having attention on her and will make up weird ailments and moan that the nhs isn’t taking her seriously and doing endless tests. Very attention seeking as I think people like this are unlikeable so often lonely.

I dread calling her so we hardly speak which I know makes her sad but when I feed this back to her she goes in to child and ‘I guess I’m just a terrible mother then’ rather than really reflecting.

A friend of mine is an educational psychologist and says it sounds like my mum is autistic with her inability to empathise or to think saying something happened to her too is empathy and her inability to recognise social norms (if someone like the GP asks how the family are she won’t say fine thanks but will spend half an hour telling this stranger about what her kids are up to while keeping a busy GP occupied as she can’t imagine another person’s experience). She also doesn’t have her own opinions and will just copy what you think. I think a lot of people from that generation were never diagnosed, especially women. I thought this insight might help me as it’s not my mums fault but I just can’t get over how rude and self centred she is.

sorry for the rant it’s just I feel seen right now!

Yes, it's one of several reasons I think my DM (also lifelong like this) is on the spectrum.

You are definitely not alone OP.
My DM 71 has noticeably started doing it since turning 70.
She monologues for at least 30 mins every time I see her, which is about twice a week. I have to just let her get it all out, then start a proper converation after she's done.
FIL is 79 and is much worse. He won't admit he needs hearing aids and cannot have a 2-way converation at all. Teenager DD is a mystery to him as he asks her a question, then either doesn't wait for her to reply or doesn't listen to her reply, just fires the next question at her, repeats, until she gives up.
Both give you the same stories repeatedly, some from 40 years ago, some about people you don't know.
I actually stopped my DM last week and said "Oh yes Mum, you told me this story aleady" and she carried on anyway! It was like she had started it so she had to finish. Odd!
I think its a combination of a shrinking life, deafness, and a slow/minor congnitive decline. I love them both but it's hard work.