Has anyone found ageing parents become unable to hold a two way conversation

[Blackberryandcherry]

Let me preface this by saying I adore my mum and she is so kind and would do anything for me. But, as she’s become older (she’s 70) she seems to have lost the inability to have a two way conversation.

If I meet up with her I tend to get a monologue about various (I think minor) things which have been happening either that day or that week. I can often see her and say almost nothing as I just get talked at.

If I’ve been on holiday, she’ll likely remember to ask how it was, but then with no follow up questions about how was the food, or the hotels or any of the usual things one might ask (for example).

I’ve had a few things going on in my life recently and she’ll never ask about them. She never asks about my friends, or what I’ve been up to. For example I may say I met up with X friend at the weekend but she’d never think to ask what we got up to, or how they were, it’s just straight into her next topic.

I can’t work out if she’s not interested, not listening or too busy thinking of what she’ll talk about next.

It’s odd because my grandmother got like this when she was older and my mum complained bitterly about it at the time.

Can anyone relate to this? I have no idea if I should try and address it, or just put it down to older age. I have just been feeling increasingly drained and frustrated with it recently.

My mother didn't lose the art of conversation, but I think, irrespective of age, if someone's world gets smaller and they see fewer people, small things (like the shopping being wrong, or a bus being late) take on a larger life than they otherwise might. They also tend to "store up" conversation and blurt it out all at once, because they've been desperate to talk to you/anyone for a week. It's similar to being alone at home with a baby with no one to talk to and wanting to pounce on any adult the second they walk in the door, to tell them about your day.

Cos we are all clueless about it.

...like I'd expect this phenomenon to have a name, be recognised, awareness, alertness.

I can see from this thread that it may be more common and isn't just my mum.

This is exactly my mother too. Plus, the monologues are often negative / angry - more like rants. It’s so exhausting.

It is common and commonly recognised though, it’s normal for so many people, as the thread shows. I think most people would describe it either as just part of aging, or as early/possible dementia.

Being the subject of medical research and having a widely used ‘common name’ are not the same thing at all. I have no doubt that if you searched, you’d find reams of medical research on the subject.

My mum does all of the above and also talks over me to the point when I feel my ears ache as she’s doing it with both our voices simultaneously!! She also doesn’t listen or respond to what I say before replying!! She’s only 73!! I find it’s getting me so fed up! She has almost compulsive speech! I wondered whether it could be early stages of dementia?

You say she has no interest in you and your children. Yet she DOES want to come and stay for your daughter's birthday. That does suggest quite a level of interest! Otherwise she wouldn't bother saying she'd like to come and stay with you.

If that were me, I'd try and foster that interest. OK, so your daughter may have had longstanding plans on that particular night of her birthday, but if it was not something your mother could join in and be a part of could she not have come and stayed anyway and you just went out as a family for lunch next day or something? I obviously don't know how it played out but if it were me telling my child I'd like to come and stay for my grandchild's birthday I'd find it quite hurtful that there was no enthusiasm for my visit, sadness that it clashed with a pre-arranged thing, and no attempt to arrange a compromise eg come and staying the following weekend.

Sometimes if there are strains in a relationship there is some blame on BOTH sides. People need to feel wanted to be able to feel like there is a relationship there to foster. As soon as either party doesn't feel that then an element of coolness or resentment or upset can arise, which the other party then senses, and before you know it, the relationship has turned a bit sour, no-one is honest about their feelings and everything deteriorates a bit. It doesn't have to be like that.

Oh and if your mother has put up with 30 years of shit in her marriage and now has found a lovely man, no wonder she is thrilled to talk about him. It's completely understandable and I'd be so happy she was happy and in a good relationship finally.

That sounds more like the start of Alzheimer's to me.

It's sad but I think fo rmost people, it's a cognitive decline where they genuinely struggle to understand other's experience. It's as though their mind can't conjure up any thoughts or images about it. Like they are only able to concentrate on and talk about their own experiences. I do worry about myself getting that way and wonder what you need to do to try to delay that happening as much as possible.

My mum has been like this for a long time but has definitely got worse in the last few years (she’s 70).

There’s been some pretty major things in my life over the last 7 years or so (post-natal depression, multiple bereavements, studying in order to change career, etc etc etc) and she’s never asked about any of it, preferring instead to tell me about a new yogurt she’s tried or her friend’s dog. 😂

I think you make some valid points regarding coolness on both sides of a relationship. However, some people's enthusiasm for being part of a grandchild's birthday is simply so that they can say "I visited on her birthday, aren't I a wonderful grandmother" and takes a few selfies as proof to her friends back home.

The reality can actually be that she doesn't turn up until 8pm, gets frustrated that the children are overtired and hyper and spends her time shushing the children because she is adamant on telling you the story of the traffic jam caused by the roadworks on the A792 two Tuesdays ago.

I am 71 I went to Australia and Malaysia a couple of years ago, had photo albums made, not one family member, friend asked about it. I sort of made a list of impressions I got there and read it out on a walk!!
Didnt expect any responses… I was so wowed by the vastness I needed to share but nobody seemed interested really!

Yes. My mother is late 70s and has been like this for years. I actually dread ringing her as I feel I get little out of the interaction. It's a duty call. Somewhat resented as generation X. We were left to our own devices as children and teens whilst parents went off and enjoyed themselves with their friends. Children were excluded. And now my mother comments negatively about her grown up children having lives which don't revolve around her.

It's a shame because I am close to my mum. She's not lonely. She has my dad and friend to talk to. In yet she writes a list of things she wants to tell me and when we speak on the phone, I get the monologue. If I speak and take the conversation in another direction - she will get back to where she left off. Then we run out of time and she's barely asked me anything.

I so don't want to be like that with my children when I get old. I hope someone has written a book telling us how not to be! 😀

I’m estranged from my father but based on what I’m told he just monologues at people. 82. Mum 75, is quite good by text, but in conversation changes the subject back on to herself as soon as the opportunity presents. It is very frustrating, I’m glad to find it’s a common thing, because there’s been times its felt personal.

Yes, my Dad (88) monologues a lot, although he does take an interest in what his grandchildren are up to. He's always been a talker though and he's widowed so I cut him some slack. I often multi-task while we're on the phone and just say yes at the appropriate moments!😁

I've noticed that my FIL (85) is monologuing more nowadays and repeating the same stories. My MIL less so, she lets FIL carry on.

I do think that some people's social skills decline with age, I would try not to take it too personally, @Blackberryandcherry. Nowadays, I tend to have more reciprocal conversations with my close friends, and I certainly don't tell my Dad if I'm concerned about anything, he would get anxious.

My mum is mid 80s and I’ve noticed this over the last few years - very few inquiries about us and just telling me about the minutiae of their lives - I get a run down of what they have done each day and even what they had to eat if they go out for dinner but very little follow up with questions for us. I try to think of it as that their lives are small and stressful for them ( even a trip to the doctors can be a stress for my mum) and she needs to decompress with me as many of their friends are in a home or have died so they have no other sounding boards.

she needs to decompress with me as many of their friends are in a home or have died so they have no other sounding boards.

@judyP Yes, my Dad still has some of his old friends, thank goodness, but several people have died just in the last year. Their social circles can become very small.

Also as per about another poster - we no longer have a parent / child relationship as I do not tell them about stresses at work or money or a cancer scare that I had as it will just add to their worries and they will not be much actual help with it - in fact I know that with my cancer scare she would have made me feel worse while I was waiting for the procedure as she tends to harp on about stuff even if I say “can we not talk about this” she will stop for only a few minutes and then return to the topic so I no longer lean on them even emotionally which is hard but I think this is just this time of life for them and they were such a help when we had little kids that I try not to to regret that we no longer have that as I know I was lucky to have had wonderful parents for so long - and they are still lovely! Just a different relationship now…

They just don't want to hear your problems! The relationship has changed, you are the stronger party now, you help them if any helping needs to be done. I'm not sure they have lost social skills. I bet they behave perfectly reciprocally with friends. They just are trying to deflect you from dumping crap at their door.
Thats what I do anyway. No DS I do not want to hear you are about to break up with the GF again, sort yourself out already. No, I'm not engaging with what a wanker your boss is. Well you wouldn't have got ill on holiday if you'd had your bloody vacinations etc etc etc more self inflicted drama. So I interrupt him and talk about my sprained ankle, the neighbour's cat, anything.

Yes thank you to everyone who has replied - I am so grateful for each response and comforted that lots of us are in the same boat.

It agree it has definitely felt personal at times and I now realise it isn’t. Reading all of the replies, I now think cognitive ability to process and understand information is definitely playing a big part in this.

@Bunnyofhope Yep, I sometimes feel that I don't want to have the crap dumped at my door anymore- and mine are only 20 and 17! I won't try to deflect them yet, but I might when I'm in my 70's. 😂

And so are our kids.

We didn't listen to our parents and naturally our children won't hear our advice. But you need to understand that we have had many years of knowing our own kids and their attitudes. We love them but we know their faults and can see both sides.
For instance I was surprised that the bloke she married tolerated my daughter as long as he did. I love her very dearly and I know she acts for the best as she sees it, but she never understands anyone else's POV.
There is no point in getting into arguments by saying "I told you so"
And times change. Important attitudes and priorities change. For instance my mother had a friend whose baby died because she concealed her pregnancy by binding her body tightly. What was a desperate situation when my mother was a single woman was a shrug of the shoulders, some disapproval (when are you getting married, then?) or a suggestion of a quiet abortion before anyone found out when I was a teen.
Now it can be a deliberate choice to be a single parent, for instance by donor sperm as one of my friend's daughters has done. My friend is none too happy - she isn't in the best of health and the limited free time she could spend on her own interests are now taken up by "excess" childminding as there is no father or other grandparent helpers.
We can listen to our kid's relationship or childrearing problems but are our attitudes our experience relevant?
Nope.

This definitely happens to people who live alone.

Responding to a conversational prompt with an anecdote about your own experience of that thing is very common amongst autistic people as a way of engaging with the speaker and trying to bond with them by demonstrating shared experiences and understanding of the situation.
You mum might not be autistic but I suspect her world is shrinking so she doesn't have recent experience of a lot of these situations, perhaps she is unconsciously trying to stay/feel/appear relevant?

I also found it comforting to hear that this is not just my mum - thanks for all those who shared their experiences.