Has anyone found ageing parents become unable to hold a two way conversation

[Blackberryandcherry]

Let me preface this by saying I adore my mum and she is so kind and would do anything for me. But, as she’s become older (she’s 70) she seems to have lost the inability to have a two way conversation.

If I meet up with her I tend to get a monologue about various (I think minor) things which have been happening either that day or that week. I can often see her and say almost nothing as I just get talked at.

If I’ve been on holiday, she’ll likely remember to ask how it was, but then with no follow up questions about how was the food, or the hotels or any of the usual things one might ask (for example).

I’ve had a few things going on in my life recently and she’ll never ask about them. She never asks about my friends, or what I’ve been up to. For example I may say I met up with X friend at the weekend but she’d never think to ask what we got up to, or how they were, it’s just straight into her next topic.

I can’t work out if she’s not interested, not listening or too busy thinking of what she’ll talk about next.

It’s odd because my grandmother got like this when she was older and my mum complained bitterly about it at the time.

Can anyone relate to this? I have no idea if I should try and address it, or just put it down to older age. I have just been feeling increasingly drained and frustrated with it recently.

@NotMyRealAccount Yep, my Dad makes things up too, it's bizarre. I'm sure some of his newer friends assume I'm horrible and are then surprised when they see us together and realize that we're actually close and get on well. When he's in a bad mood though, he says all sorts. Older friends and family members know that it's rubbish.

My mother literally has a checklist and goes through it robotically .

😄 oh, mine too.

Really! 🤣

My parents both do this and are in their early 70s now. The sad thing is is that this isn't a new thing. They've always done it.. They talk about themselves or each other or what they've done or people I don't or barely know. They don't ask me anything about myself or what I'm up to. If I offer anything they change the subject. They literally know nothing about me.

I find it so weird to have children and have zero interest in their inner world or general life. I badger my son for details of his own life as a result. I want to know who he ate lunch with, what's happening with his gf, what he thinks about X etc. I think my parents don't actually know how to have a conversation, or maybe they're just not interested in me at all.

It is weird how they remember all this useless information about random people in the village but have no interest in their own children or grandchildren and ask very few questions about our lives.
I keep them up to date but I feel like it’s pointless and if I didn’t, they definitely wouldn’t ask.
We live a few roads away and they would never ask to spend time with us or make plans to meet up.

Thats just so sad and hurtful. My mother is much more interested in distant relatives she never sees than in my children .

Yes what’s the nastiness about?

I wonder if it’s a personality thing rather than age? My mother is nothing like this she is fantastic company and we the family come 100% first. People my age seek her out as a friend. I will appreciate her more after reading this thread!

Reading through this thread and I'm struck by the idea that the older generation supposedly lost the ability to ask questions or hold proper conversations somewhere in their 60s.

Meanwhile, the younger generation is constantly criticized for doomscrolling, refusing to make phone calls, and having minimal attention spans.

So either every generation becomes conversationally incompetent in turn, or maybe it's not actually a generational thing at all and we're all just selectively noticing when other people aren't interested in what we're saying.

Maybe the issue isn't that older parents are poor conversationalists. Maybe their adult children still expect to be the center of attention the way they were at 8, and when their parents talk about their own lives instead (the garden, the Tesco deals, the book club) it gets interpreted as conversational failure rather than recognizing that parents are no longer a captive audience.

Maybe your parents 'monologue' because they've learned that if they don't, you'll spend 30 minutes on problems you're not going to solve, and they've already raised their kids and have no interest in backseat parenting yours. Maybe you're not as good a conversationalist as you think you are.

It’s strange isn’t it.
i’ll be seeing them later and i bet not one question will be asked about my sons birthday that we celebrated yesterday. But I will be told all about the event they have just been to and about all the random people I don’t know.

So pleased to read that we are not alone in this with my father in law. My husband and I see him weekly but dread it and then feel bad about dreading it. He seems to forget even that his grandchildren exist (they are at uni). I make a point of telling him something about what they’ve been up to to try and open a wider conversation but it never works.

Yes, I think it's often a personality thing. It can just become magnified with age, as people's habits become more entrenched and they lose the energy and focus for more "polite" masking behaviour, especially towards those close to them.

Plus the 'children' notice it more once they move out or move away. When your lives were more intertwined, then you would all naturally already know a lot about what each other had been doing, without needing to ask. With distance, it becomes clearer if somebody has no real interest in your life.

DM has always been like this. She has no real interest in talking about anything except herself, or (at the very least) subjects where she feels she knows more than anyone else present. She never did have. She just used to be better at hiding it, especially in front of other people. But the tendency has always been there. On the other hand, I know lovely people of her age or older, who take a very intelligent interest in all sorts of subjects and people, and always have done.

I believe old age generally tends to magnify all of our habits, since we just get tired more easily and revert to our easiest behaviours. Which makes me look with some trepidation at the habits I may be getting into now...

My Dad manages to weave Donald Trump into every scenario. It's actually impressive, he makes up these little segways..sometimes i mentally count how long it takes him. Other obsession is road works and police scandals/ incompetence. He can even get all 3 into a monologue without fully changing topic. The conversation might begin with me telling him I booked a holiday or DD has a dance recital coming up. He never asks questions or looks to extend it, it's monologue time once I've said my sentence. I'm meeting him one to one this weekend and will need to be mentally prepared.

My mum is 70 and very much active and you'd not think she's 70, however she does monologue or list all the things a out a person that's happened recently that they did which she deems stupid, it's never a positive monologue. I end up saying hang on... I didn't buy tickets to this one woman show or lecture and it stops her but it's tedious.

Yes! My mum’s in her 70s and she is exactly like this! I can be on the phone to her for 40 minutes are barely get a work in edge ways, while she tells me every detail about her trip to the dentist and what housework jobs she’s done today.

DM has always been like this. She has no real interest in talking about anything except herself, or (at the very least) subjects where she feels she knows more than anyone else present. She never did have. She just used to be better at hiding it, especially in front of other people.
@Aralinka This true of my mother too. I realise she has never had much genuine interest in others, she likes to be in control of the conversation and patronise others. The relationships that work best for her are when she knows more or she imagines others are looking up to her. As she's got older there aren't many people where this is the case. She has 'friends' who are much younger and think she is wonderful because she holds court with them and gives them advice. They aren't friends in the sense of being equal in any way , and she doesn't confide personal things to them. It must be exhausting trying to keep up the superior act all the time.

I was at my Mums on Saturday. I think she asked me ‘how’s work’ and that was all.
The rest was complaints about her landlord and papping on about her neighbours.

Yes I get this!!

No questions about a holiday but will ask what my exact flight time was 16:07 and later asks the same thing again.
or asks my friends parents surname. Or what my neighbours parents jobs are.

This makes me think of when I told my mum I was pregnant with her first grandchild and she didn’t ask one question about it and a couple of minutes later was telling me all about the new deli in the village and how she doesn’t like it. It was beyond bizarre and really sad she can’t get excited about anything outside of her small world. If I tried to tell her about my pregnancy she would just talk about when she was pregnant.

My dad is like this but tbh he always was. Instead of a chat it’s always a lecture on one of his chosen topics.

Mine does this too, well my Mum does, not so much my Dad as he isn't allowed to speak if she is there and if he does she gets cross. She will banish him to another room if I visit so she can monologue at me. She doesn't have any friends unfortunately as she struggles with friendships, due to control issues, she falls out with people a lot !

This thread was very useful to me. I realised that this was not my mum turning into a selfish shell of herself. It's a real phenomenon that many older people become self absorbed and not interested in much outisde of their own shrinking orbit. I personally think it's similar to being a baby; your health and survival prospects become more precarious, so you expend your time and energy mostly on stuff that ensures you stay alive.

I softened my attitude and felt kinder towards her and tried to be genuinely interested in her small anecdotes. Things feel a lot better between us and I feel a lot less resentful. So thank you all who posted similar experiences.

It was also really helpful that we also discovered that her hearing aid has a volume control. Most helful indeed. Much less "What did you say?", followed by exasperated sighs and sentence repeats through gritted teeth!

My dad is like this and my aunt who I am close to. When talking or (rather listening) to my dad on the phone I make sure I am fully equipped with earbuds and start doing jobs around the house. I FaceTime my aunt though as she lives in a different country and after an hour and a half I would have been told the same dentist tales and dramas with friendship groups including verbatim retelling (so she said you what? And I said I know etc etc) …