I got pregnant from a short-term situationship due to failed contraception. Told the dad and he said he needed space to process the news. Should I just cut my losses with him or wait to hear from him? If so how long would you wait to hear?

[Ellemum93]

So was dating someone for a few months. We both had our STI status cleared and tested, and I had contraception too. Sadly it failed (don't want to specify too much). Because he got ill with a progressive muscle illness we decided to stop the relationship developing because it would be difficult to travel and such to see one another.

Came home and went to see the doctor as felt off and had pink spotting. Turns out I am nearly 5 weeks pregnant and have now booked for a 6 week scan. I told the father over text (as didn't have much signal in the hospital) and felt he had a right to know. Told him I was pregnant, he was the only person I had slept with and that at present I was in the mindset to keep it and would want to discuss financial support, but also gave him the option to get involved (I am 31, good job, own a home, always wanted to be a parent). I did say to him due to my own health conditions (cardiovascular) I also didn't want to argue. Due to my own health I also had to stay overnight in hospital (high blood pressure)

All he replied was "I saw this message. I need time to process this. I'll speak to you soon."

Not much empathy but I also get it with shock and in a way feel it was better than him attacking me, denying it, getting angry and having a go?

I want to be clear that I have NO intention of having a relationship with him at this moment in time nor 'trapping him', and I am excited to also just concentrate on myself, eat well, take vitamins, and look after myself.

I have AMAZING parents and support circle if I do choose to go at this alone, but I also feel like I'd want the support of the father. Therefore I wanted to ask how long should I wait to hear back from him? Is it bad to want to hear back before the first scan especially as I'll want to see if I need any info from him re medical history and also be able to set expectations if he does want to be involved?

I am NOT looking for judgment or rude comments, just simple advice OR to hear from anyone else who has been in a similar situation.

i think it was quite a considered and sensible response from him 🤷

I also think he's responded sensibly. He's had a huge shock, has let you know that he has received the information but needs a little while to formulate his response. I'd say that's a positive.
Hopefully he'll be back in contact soon and you can move forward. I'd probably give him space but if you haven't heard by the time of your appointment send a brief message asking if he might be able to provide any medical information that might be necessary.

I think his response is quite sensible. I'm sure it was a surprise to you too when you found out you were pregnant. It's OK for him to need some time too. He was polite and didn't react emotionally

Yes, must be a shock on top of the medical condition he has developed, all happening very soon together, you have your world set up to do this, but he may not, and may be struggling with how he'd manage
I'd give Him some space and time

I agree with this. It feels unfair as you're just having to deal with it and he gets to opt in or out. But he's replied fairly reasonably and sensibly. He hardly knows you and thought contraception was sorted. He has an illness he is presumably concerned about too.

If he'd said straight off "nothing to do with me leave me alone" then that's a whole different ball game. But he hasn't.

You can’t tell him and then ‚cut your losses‘. You owe him the decency of giving him time to process this. You were using contraception so he didn’t want or expect a pregnancy either. Be reasonable.
Be prepared to effectively go it alone, but don‘t start off treating him shoddily!!

I would say give him at least a couple of days to let it sink in but also thank him for replying and let him know when the scan is

So something like

Thank you; I appreciate this will have been a shock and I am still processing it too. I just wanted to let you know I am having a scan on X date at X place in case you want to be there

I find the previous posts quite surprising. I guess that, yes the text was sensible but it is not at all sensitive or empathetic. He does of course need some time to process the news, but for OP it’s a life changing situation that leaves her vulnerable. At the very least he should acknowledge that by saying something like ‘I need to process this and will get back to you. In the meantime I hope you are feeling ok, looking after yourself and that you are getting support’

In answer to your question OP, you can’t force him to respond but you have found out that he is very self focused and possibly not reliable as a potential co parent.

I think he's trying to be factual. The relationship is over he doesn't want to give false hope of some sort of happy family.

Haven't you posted this before last week? You're 31, he's 32 with multiple sclerosis.

interesting

He doesn’t have to contact you at all and could ask for a DNA test.

You will be entitled to maintenance if the child is his.

And that’s about the reality of it. Doesn’t matter if you want his support whilst you’re pregnant- it’s down to him if he wants to give it.

He could also go for 50/50 residency so he wouldn’t have to give you any CS.

This might seem harsh but it’s not going to be all roses. There are times you will feel incredibly lonely and hurt you have been left to do this on your own if he doesn’t want to be involved.

Leave him to come to terms with it. If he is not in touch after baby is here contact CS

You just found out, told him you think you’ll keep it and straight away mentioned money. I’m sure he is wanting time to process it given the circumstances.

If he has MS he may well be concerned that, as time goes by, he won't be able to be a hands on parent. You need to take that into account when you consider his reaction to your surprise pregnancy.

Its hard to put a time limit on these things.

I personally would wait until the 12 week scan and if he’s not messaged you before then, then let him know how the scan went and ask if he has made his mind up yet.

If I was you I would be focusing on yourself and whether this is right for you.

It may be that you want to try for a baby with someone who you are in a relationship with and it’s wanted by both parents or that being a single parent is ok with you.

You will still be in shock so give yourself a couple of weeks before deciding anything permanent.

Not looking to cut losses. I’m being sensible about this and trying to get organised. Big shock to me too.

No idea, that’s not this situation but I hope that person gets it sorted also.

Again not MS, if there is another similar post would be more helpful actually to link me to it so I can maybe reach out to that person about their experience? Don’t be so assumptive.

Pretty similar circumstances so will help you.

I (F/31) found out I'm pregnant he (M/32) has me blocked and has no social media. What is the best way to contact him now? (through his family, a friend of mine maybe option) www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/5062466-i-f31-found-out-im-pregnant-he-m32-has-me-blocked-and-has-no-social-media-what-is-the-best-way-to-contact-him-now-through-his-family-a-friend-of-mine-maybe-option

Talking about money in the first message would make me feel uncomfortable, as though that’s your main concern - you don’t care less whether he’s involved but you want a baby and you want his money.

im not saying that is what you’re thinking - but it could be how he interprets it.

You might find he can't financially support you in the way you want if he has a health condition affecting his earning potential. He might also request a dna test which would be his right to do so.

Don't bother getting too organised, getting ahead of yourself arranging visitation schedules and maintenance as I have seen on here before now. It is extremely early days, and if the pregnancy is successful it's likely your priorities and ideas will change after birth. Take it one step at a time.

Assuming his response doesn't impact whether or not you keep the pregnancy I would just send him a factual text of the times of scans and a photo.

If his response does impact whether or not you continue the pregnancy then I would have a rethink. It sounds like you live a distance away and even if he did want to be involved you would be doing the lions share of the parenting. So go ahead assuming you will be going it alone and make the choice for you and you alone. If you don't think you'll be able to cope without his assistance then that is something to consider. Knowing his medical history is useful but not essential.

Told him I was pregnant, he was the only person I had slept with and that at present I was in the mindset to keep it and would want to discuss financial support, but also gave him the option to get involved I missed the details here I do think that launching into the I want to discuss financial support when the baby is only 5 weeks old is a bit premature.

I was offering genuine advice and support, don't be so snippy, it wasn't me that said you'd posted about this before BUT in your words, he has a progressive muscle illness so whatever his medical condition, my post stands. However, I shall offer no more wise words and simply wish you well.