I got pregnant from a short-term situationship due to failed contraception. Told the dad and he said he needed space to process the news. Should I just cut my losses with him or wait to hear from him? If so how long would you wait to hear?

[Ellemum93]

So was dating someone for a few months. We both had our STI status cleared and tested, and I had contraception too. Sadly it failed (don't want to specify too much). Because he got ill with a progressive muscle illness we decided to stop the relationship developing because it would be difficult to travel and such to see one another.

Came home and went to see the doctor as felt off and had pink spotting. Turns out I am nearly 5 weeks pregnant and have now booked for a 6 week scan. I told the father over text (as didn't have much signal in the hospital) and felt he had a right to know. Told him I was pregnant, he was the only person I had slept with and that at present I was in the mindset to keep it and would want to discuss financial support, but also gave him the option to get involved (I am 31, good job, own a home, always wanted to be a parent). I did say to him due to my own health conditions (cardiovascular) I also didn't want to argue. Due to my own health I also had to stay overnight in hospital (high blood pressure)

All he replied was "I saw this message. I need time to process this. I'll speak to you soon."

Not much empathy but I also get it with shock and in a way feel it was better than him attacking me, denying it, getting angry and having a go?

I want to be clear that I have NO intention of having a relationship with him at this moment in time nor 'trapping him', and I am excited to also just concentrate on myself, eat well, take vitamins, and look after myself.

I have AMAZING parents and support circle if I do choose to go at this alone, but I also feel like I'd want the support of the father. Therefore I wanted to ask how long should I wait to hear back from him? Is it bad to want to hear back before the first scan especially as I'll want to see if I need any info from him re medical history and also be able to set expectations if he does want to be involved?

I am NOT looking for judgment or rude comments, just simple advice OR to hear from anyone else who has been in a similar situation.

My condition is not hereditary luckily, one reason I guess I also need him to be in contact with him as he’s been super vague about his own health issues and would now need to weigh up if that could be passed onto my child.

Nope. Which is why I’m so confused.

Good luck. Dealing with an unknown quantity can be difficult, as my adopted cousin has discovered when medical professionals ask her about hereditary conditions.

Due to my heart condition I had to be kept in so wanted to tell him in the first instance. For further context my best friend who is male had this happen to him in the sense of someone he slept with got pregnant when their contraception failed. He regretted she didn't tell him from the get-go so he could be more involved/supportive. This best friend has also offered to support me and is a GREAT dad and human being. Although we would never be romantically involved with one another. So this is why I also wanted to reach out to the father of this child because I've seen first hand the male side of things too

The doctor's told me stress could impact both mine and the child's health. The father of this child has bipolar and can be rather unpredictable at times (when we got together he was having therapy, was on medication etc but over time he stopped), so I was also putting in a boundary early on which my own therapist has said is healthy? So yeah, I think it is fair to tell him I'm not looking to argue because the stress could impact our child.

You texted him from the hospital ? gosh couldn't it wait until you are home, what was the hurry.
and you even mentioned finance already ?

Agree with this. It is a tricky one because no contraception is 100% so you have sex you take the risk no matter how tiny.

If OP was to go ahead (which sounds likely) then there will be a point where like it or not, he will have costs £ to bear at some stage in the future whether that's CM or 50/50 parenting. Of course illness dependant.

So agree not straight away but that conversation is definitely on the cards ...

If your heart condition is so serious that your consultant has told you not to argue with people, I can't believe it's safe to continue your pregnancy. Surely that puts much more strain on your body than an argument?!

🤔🤔

He has a progressive muscle illness. Is it hereditary? He also is bipolar you say? You have a non hereditary heart condition.

Is it really sensible to proceed? Raising a well child without disabilities alone is tough, add the possibility of disabilities (physical or mental) and your own situation and it sounds a huge burden. You are only 31, meeting a partner will be harden when you already have a child.

If you were my daughter I know what I would advise.

As some people feel confused about this:

We hooked up a few weeks ago. When I was travelling we got the news about his health getting worst and he didn't even bother with a call but decided to text me about it and we agreed to end it. I then travelled for my work so was then overseas and originally thought maybe I had picked up a bug.

Out of nowhere got PMS symptoms and then abdominal cramps. When I got home the cramping was so bad I went to hospital. They took bloods and also a pregnancy test which came back positive. They noted I had high blood pressure which given a heart condition that's why they then kept me in. I was lucky to be with my best friend at the time supporting me and he told me about his situation and was also the person who helped me to write my message to the father, again mentioning in his own experience he wished he had known early on how to support the mother of his child, as well as preparing financially as even pre birth there are expenses to get ready for having a child (which again I can afford but was also lucky to hear a man's perspective).

The main question here is this:

I told him over text (time difference - 6 hours, wasn't going to call him as I went to the emergency room late at night) and he responded with "I need time to process this information then will speak to you soon." 24 hours later he just blocked my number out of the blue. So now do I give him a week or just move on / plan to do this alone?

Other side notes (which thanks for those adding in these perspectives)

• I now need to know if he wants to be involved so I can set realistic expectations especially when managing stress.
• I now need contact as I need to know if his condition is hereditary as will need to consider the impact of this on my child (which I would not want to bring a child into the world if it would suffer).
• Re my cardiovascular illness - I'm pretty fit and in good shape, hike mountains all over the world for my job, run every day, eat well, don't drink, don't smoke etc. This illness is not hereditary, and I can still be a good mum even if I fall ill as I have an amazing support system around me also willing to care for the child.

You have been blocked. You will not get the answers you seek. Reconcile yourself to this fact and enjoy your pregnancy and baby without him in your life.

I think OP, considering you had severe enough cramps and bleeding to go to A&E you should just hang on till you’ve had a scan in two weeks to access viability.

Because of the severe pain and bleeding you experienced they need to check if the embryo is in the right place and not eptopic or it wasn’t a chemical pregnancy that should be your main concern at the moment and I’m surprised the doctors did not discuss this with you. I really hope they discussed eptopic symptoms with you.

You are less than a week past your missed period.

You are being sensible about wanting to talk about hereditary conditions but you have a good month or so to decide whether to keep the baby so take your foot of the peddle and wait to see what the out come of the six week scan is

Because of the severe pain and bleeding you experienced they need to check if the embryo is in the right place and not eptopic or it wasn’t a chemical pregnancy that should be your main concern at the moment and I’m surprised the doctors did not discuss this with you. I really hope they discussed eptopic symptoms with you.

I know you might think this is scaremongering @Ellemum93 but please take this into consideration. I speak from experience. You need to seek an early scan.

Good luck.

how long should I wait to hear back from him?

How long should you wait before doing what exactly? Before messaging again? Before contacting CMS?

Just read your update. So you need to know if he has any hereditary conditions to see if you might need to seek a termination? Ask immediately.

Most conditons that could be inherited are probably recessive so the earliest you could know about these affecting your child might be during a NIPT test.

So now do I give him a week or just move on / plan to do this alone?

If you are blocked then there’s literally nothing you can do and you aren’t going to get any answers.

He may reach out in a few days, weeks, months or even years, or he may choose to try and avoid you and the child forever.

Explain to the midwife that you are not in contact with him but he has an illness which you aren’t sure is hereditary or not (chances are he wouldn’t know this anyway).

Forget about him for now.
You have too much to deal with than stressing about him.
Focus on yourself and what you want.

So now do I give him a week or just move on / plan to do this alone?
pp have already said you should absolutely be planning to do this alone. He has a health condition, you can’t travel to each other easily, he may not be much financial support and he’s shown you already he’s not overjoyed. It’s not fair but it’s the way it is, so plan to do it alone and if he appears then that’s his choice. You can’t ‘give’ him a week. If he pops up in 5 years and wants to see his kid he can go to court and do that.

I now need to know if he wants to be involved so I can set realistic expectations especially when managing stress.
No you don’t. You can decide (if he is willing to be) if you would want to allow him to be involved in the pregnancy and birth. That’s all.
Currently he’s blocked you, so assume he doesn’t want to be involved.
Even if he were to say he wants to be involved as pp have said, it doesn’t mean he will be or has to stick to that.

as soon as you found out you were pregnant you went straight to telling him what to do and what your expectations are and what finances you expected from
him.
now he’s blocked you you’ve decided you ‘need’ to be setting expectations and telling him what you need from him.
just take a breather. focus on yourself.

As many pp have said, you are still jumping massively ahead. Get a scan first. Check all is ok. Decide what you want to do assuming he is not around and no support, decide what you want to do if he’s around a lot and what you want to do if he is in and out of yours and this potential baby’s life. Then go from there.

I have done so, doctors were amazing. They got me seen by a gynaecologist and a lot of tests. I have a six week scan next week and they were quick to book me in as well as a trans vaginal examination. I’ve also spoken to my dad and he’s agreed to provide child support and other support also.

@Ellemum93 it sounds like you've got all you need and all the support in the world. This guy is having trouble dealing with the news, and he has the luxury of being able to take time and not have to do anything until he "feels ready" because he's not the one pregnant.

That's great for him but very selfish given you are pregnant right now and have to deal with it any moment so you don't get such a luxury. I wouldn't wait any time at all to ask him questions you need answered such as about genetics or health because you don't have the luxury of waiting or playing games.

If he doesn't reply, that's on him. Assume he won't help you and protect your own mental health and move forward with the amazing help and support you have around you. You deserve to be happy and not anxiously waiting on this person to respond to you when they feel good and ready.

This

Are you in the uk OP.

I work in early pregnancy and standard protocol if you presented at A&E with the symptoms you were having is

• pregnancy urine test
• Hcg blood test Test IF they wasn’t busy as they may bounce you to your GP ( most likely scenario)
• Contact your GP to ask to follow up Hcg test in 48 hours
• Contact EPU for advice who may book you in for early pregnancy scan but they may wait for results from Hcg test because you are only less than one week past missed period
• advice on eptopic symptoms

In the U.K. you wouldn’t be seen by gyne at this point.

Interested to know which part of the world your in