I got pregnant from a short-term situationship due to failed contraception. Told the dad and he said he needed space to process the news. Should I just cut my losses with him or wait to hear from him? If so how long would you wait to hear?

[Ellemum93]

So was dating someone for a few months. We both had our STI status cleared and tested, and I had contraception too. Sadly it failed (don't want to specify too much). Because he got ill with a progressive muscle illness we decided to stop the relationship developing because it would be difficult to travel and such to see one another.

Came home and went to see the doctor as felt off and had pink spotting. Turns out I am nearly 5 weeks pregnant and have now booked for a 6 week scan. I told the father over text (as didn't have much signal in the hospital) and felt he had a right to know. Told him I was pregnant, he was the only person I had slept with and that at present I was in the mindset to keep it and would want to discuss financial support, but also gave him the option to get involved (I am 31, good job, own a home, always wanted to be a parent). I did say to him due to my own health conditions (cardiovascular) I also didn't want to argue. Due to my own health I also had to stay overnight in hospital (high blood pressure)

All he replied was "I saw this message. I need time to process this. I'll speak to you soon."

Not much empathy but I also get it with shock and in a way feel it was better than him attacking me, denying it, getting angry and having a go?

I want to be clear that I have NO intention of having a relationship with him at this moment in time nor 'trapping him', and I am excited to also just concentrate on myself, eat well, take vitamins, and look after myself.

I have AMAZING parents and support circle if I do choose to go at this alone, but I also feel like I'd want the support of the father. Therefore I wanted to ask how long should I wait to hear back from him? Is it bad to want to hear back before the first scan especially as I'll want to see if I need any info from him re medical history and also be able to set expectations if he does want to be involved?

I am NOT looking for judgment or rude comments, just simple advice OR to hear from anyone else who has been in a similar situation.

I mean the language she used suggests he should be supporting HER financially when the support is for the baby.

@welshycake I mean the language she used suggests he should be supporting HER financially when the support is for the baby.

I don't know how to reply to this.

But, as an aside - should she expect support from him when she has to go on maternity leave from work or should she just go it all alone?

I personally have great finances for myself and even in a relationship would never want financial support for myself (I’m a very independent person). I just wanted to put forward that yes I’m keeping it, and that I want to manage expectations.

Just an update. 24 hours and he’s blocked me on everything. It’s making me think two things:

Fine - move on, I can do this independently as luckily in a great position with career, house, support circle etc.

secondly - blocking as he needs space (but not holding out for this one).

it’s sad to see this happen to any woman, and even sad to experience it. I just hope if I have a son I can raise him to be a better man than his father, and if I have a daughter can raise her that this is not how women should be treated.

since that very first message op

if you’re being honest… have you messaged since then?

you found out you were pregnant on the afternoon that the two of you decided to break up?

This is something that needs to be taken into consideration as well as your own health issues @Ellemum93.

Is your condition hereditary? Will you be physically fit and well enough to go it alone?

No two weeks later

@Ellemum93 I'm concerned you're ignoring all the comments regarding the health conditions and how they might affect a child.

It's very early days to be thinking about financial contributions from your Ex, but definitely not too early to think about how both health conditions might impact a child.

I did say to him due to my own health conditions (cardiovascular) I also didn't want to argue.

🙄 This isn't fair. You're dumping a massive shock on this man, who is also unwell, yet telling him he can't argue with you?!

I agree. Op has only just missed her period, is spotting and needs to go for a scan in two weeks to see if it’s a viable pregnancy.

Save yourself the angst OP and just wait till you have the scan at 6 weeks it’s very very early days

I find it alarming the first thing you mention is finances apart from being pregnant. His response was pretty nice tbf there's a lot going on for both of you and you both need to slow and process first

He sounded self absorbed to begin with ADHD and now sounds awful.

Why does he sound awful?

He sounds like he's having a tough time right now with his health, and he just wants some time and space to process the huge news the OP has just sent him.

That's what I was thinking too.

told the father over text (as didn't have much signal in the hospital) and felt he had a right to know.

could you not have waited until you were in the hospital car park?

?

I am posting after your update, I was pregnant and had a child alone.

The pregnancy was complicated by the father being a complete dick, I was fixated about contact with him, what he was going to do after the birth etc . I regret wasting my time doing that .

CMS - I got an attachment of earnings after managing on my own for 5 years, received payments for two years then he went self employed, CMS can do nothing, even when he's declaring income. Do not rely on CMS they are shit.

Please proceed as if you are a lone parent, then you will not be disappointed.

PS: my child's father saw him once a fortnight at his mums house until she died, then he fucked off causing my child extreme distress at being abandoned. So sometimes it's better if they just fuck off in the first place.

Unfortunately in your situation I don’t think it is a good idea to continue with the pregnancy. In particular if he is 30s with a muscle wasting condition (Duchenne’s? Huntingtons?) that is inheritable and you don’t want to saddle a future child with this disability.

You’re young enough to build a family that is much more intentional, healthy and happy. Good luck.

I think you should do what is right for you and assume he will be out of the picture.

If you want to continue with the pregnancy then do so, and plan to do everything and pay for everything yourself for this child for the rest of your life. Because that’s the most likely outcome.

Regardless of what you or anyone else might think is morally or legally right, most men who do not want to see or pay for their children are able to do so. This includes men who were married to the mother for 20 year and earn good money.

If the father has a disability then you are even less likely to get child maintenance.

In your situation, you also need to factor in possible health risks to you or baby.

so stop waiting around for him to decide something and take charge of your own life.

I think you should give him a platform to discuss this pregnancy. There’s a difference between a discussion and an argument. He’s just had a text that his life is going to change forever. A decision he has absolutely no control over. You’ve made the decision to continue. And you’ve made the decision that he needs to contribute financially. I’m presuming you’re not going to bow out of respecting his decision to not contribute financially if that’s his decision? He will be feeling trapped. He will be probably hating you for trapping him. He may discuss this with others in his life who will also share that view. Rightly or wrongly the way you’ve dropped the bombshell via text that you’re having a baby, he needs to pay and you refuse to have any communication with him (that’s essentially what you’re saying by not arguing/he needs to pay).

If he’s not able to travel using public transport he’s probably worked out he’ll struggle to be the dad he wants to be. Will he be able to work full time before having to rely on the bare minimum of the benefit system?

Also, doing pregnancy and parenting alone isn’t ideal. I couldn’t imagine doing it without DH. Doing it as a lone parent is a completely different kettle of fish.

Have you seen the cost of nursery for a start? Everyone will rally around to offer support but expecting family to do 40 hours of free childcare rarely comes into fruition.

You're only five weeks pregnant? OP, approx. 1 in 5 pregnancies end in miscarriage. You're right at the very beginning. If you get as far as the 12-week scan and you're still of a mind to keep the pregnancy, then I'd let him know that you've decided to go ahead. If he has a serious illness then his earning potential may not be much going forward, unless he's already very financially secure. I think I'd assume that his contributions are going to be zero or not a lot, then anything he can or does contribute will be a bonus. If you're counting on him to give you X amount every month to be able to raise this baby (if the pregnancy goes to term), then you should factor that into your thinking.

In your position OP I would seriously reconsider whether it was a good idea to have this baby.

Being a single mum is hard. Made harder if the child has health issues.

You're young enough to meet someone, get married and have a family. Why rush into this? Especially with someone who doesn't want to be a parent?

I think you’re right and you’ll be doing this alone unfortunately, however I would leave the door open (for a time) for him to be involved once he’s processed it.
Not for his sake but for your child, however this has an expiration date. He can’t dip in and out of your child’s life this would be unacceptable!
Glad to hear you have a good support system in place!

just clocked your user name OP

do you already have children?