I got pregnant from a short-term situationship due to failed contraception. Told the dad and he said he needed space to process the news. Should I just cut my losses with him or wait to hear from him? If so how long would you wait to hear?

[Ellemum93]

So was dating someone for a few months. We both had our STI status cleared and tested, and I had contraception too. Sadly it failed (don't want to specify too much). Because he got ill with a progressive muscle illness we decided to stop the relationship developing because it would be difficult to travel and such to see one another.

Came home and went to see the doctor as felt off and had pink spotting. Turns out I am nearly 5 weeks pregnant and have now booked for a 6 week scan. I told the father over text (as didn't have much signal in the hospital) and felt he had a right to know. Told him I was pregnant, he was the only person I had slept with and that at present I was in the mindset to keep it and would want to discuss financial support, but also gave him the option to get involved (I am 31, good job, own a home, always wanted to be a parent). I did say to him due to my own health conditions (cardiovascular) I also didn't want to argue. Due to my own health I also had to stay overnight in hospital (high blood pressure)

All he replied was "I saw this message. I need time to process this. I'll speak to you soon."

Not much empathy but I also get it with shock and in a way feel it was better than him attacking me, denying it, getting angry and having a go?

I want to be clear that I have NO intention of having a relationship with him at this moment in time nor 'trapping him', and I am excited to also just concentrate on myself, eat well, take vitamins, and look after myself.

I have AMAZING parents and support circle if I do choose to go at this alone, but I also feel like I'd want the support of the father. Therefore I wanted to ask how long should I wait to hear back from him? Is it bad to want to hear back before the first scan especially as I'll want to see if I need any info from him re medical history and also be able to set expectations if he does want to be involved?

I am NOT looking for judgment or rude comments, just simple advice OR to hear from anyone else who has been in a similar situation.

Told him I was pregnant, he was the only person I had slept with and that at present I was in the mindset to keep it and would want to discuss financial support, but also gave him the option to get involved

all in a text

must have knocked him sideways
he was spot on with his response

Damn sucks to hear so many men are being like this. Sad situation to read and see, and eerily similar, but reading all of the comments it looks like some people have been pretty nasty sadly. I hope that person is ok and gets it resolved.

"Because he got ill with a progressive muscle illness we decided to stop the relationship developing because it would be difficult to travel and such to see one another.

Came home and went to see the doctor .."

Well, where is home and where is he? If it would be difficult to travel and see each other without a baby - presumably some distance and even harder with a baby in tow? You're "excited to take vitamins"- he's possibly shitting it (perhaps mentally recalibrating from having decided in the past to not ever have children) and wondering "how much of my condition is genetic, how likely is it my child would be affected, can it be tested for in utero? At birth but before symptoms show? If the child has it, how badly would they be affected? How fast am I going to deteriorate? Will the child be learning to walk at the same time as I am losing the ability to ever walk again? How old will the child be when I die?"

I'd wait a couple of weeks anyway.

To be very honest I was sort of factual to him too, but did say hope he is ok etc. But also two things I guess: Men, my own hormones making me pretty reactive, and I'm just glad its not along the lines of trying to say I slept with someone else, disbelief etc.

At this point I am also trying to keep a cool head, be sensible, make plans, and do what I can to ensure that I have made the right decision and can do the right thing and raise a child well.

For context RE financially - I had said he can be involved if he wants outside of that (financial), but also that we both have to take some responsibility here. It was a failed contraception and not intentional - so it takes two to make a baby and in my personal opinion and own belief I think it is fair to support both parents. If the role was reversed I'd be supporting from all aspects, especially cost of living

I don’t think it was a good idea to tell him you were pregnant and you’d be after financial support from him, all in one message, especially when it’s such early days for the pregnancy. It’s just not very polite and I think starts things in quite a hostile manner. It means he’s dealing with that confrontation as well as organising his feelings over the potential baby, and how he’ll manage that with his illness too. I think given your message was (unintentionally I’m sure) a bit hostile, I think it’s understandable that he didn’t then show you much empathy, you hadn’t really shown him any either.

do be aware if he wants to be involved and have 50/50 he will get that, perhaps not straight away but as the baby gets older, will you be ok with that? If he decides to be in and out of the baby’s (and your) life will you be ok with that? If you’re left doing most of the work and he is a Disney dad, will you be ok with that? He’s got lots of options really, but you kindof just have to get on with whatever he wants unfortunately so consider if that works for you. I don’t think you can cut your losses either, I don’t think that’s really an option. You just need to get on with what you’re doing, it would be nice to keep him updated of any appointments, But that’s your choice. And that’s it, if he wants to get involved he can, you can’t really stop him once the baby is here anyway

He needs time to process? So do you! He had sex, this is a very possible outcome.
He's got a degenerative muscle condition and you've got a heart condition. You both need to be a team on this in case one of you is too unwell to care for the child or the child inherits these conditions.

He should be getting back to you pronto.

The man in your situation, hasn’t been like anything. He’s asked for time to process it and has said he’ll be in touch soon. You’re not together and there’s nothing he can do at the moment anyway.

I'm just glad its not along the lines of trying to say I slept with someone else, disbelief etc.

In his position, I would be asking for a dna test once the baby is born. He’d be stupid not to and you shouldn’t take that badly.

I had a surprise pregnancy with someone who I was with for just over a year. Bit different as we broke up whilst I was pregnant. I would say that you're putting the cart before the horse here. You're so early on in your pregnancy, make sure all is well first. Sadly a quarter of pregnancies don't have a happy ending.

You should give him all the time he needs to process it and decide if he wants to be involved. You don't need to put a deadline on it as you don't particularly need his medical history at this early stage. You have another 8 months to discuss co-parenting and child maintenance and whatever else. I'd calm down and let him get his head around it. It's important to remember that it isn't YOUR choice anyway. If he wants to co-parent and have the child 50% of the time and not pay you a penny, he has every legal right to. So I'd keep things pleasant and civil with him as you will be connected for life now.

That's going to get his back up. Supporting the baby sure but he shouldn't be supporting you. You need to be able to look after yourself independently of him.

Oh no I am very very lucky where I can support myself, own a property and such, but yes children cost financially so as I said (please don't read this sarcastically) I'm aware I need to plan for if and if he doesn't support me. My approach to most stuff like this or big life situations is to try and be factual and have a plan where possible (aware this is unplanned pregnancy, and that pregnancies can have difficulties etc).

Ok good good just make sure it doesn't come across as you expect him to support you financially. Make sure your language is baby first

It was a really robust message you sent him the minute you left the hospital.

Both of you are unwell, you are not together. He is probably shitting him self right now.

Be aware he may go for 50/50 so you may not get that financial support your expecting

First of all - please read the original post and the lines:

I am NOT looking for judgment or rude comments, just simple advice OR to hear from anyone else who has been in a similar situation.

Secondary - please read other comments, no signal in the hospital, I was in shock and thought he needed to know / still personally believe he had a right to know.

Thirdly - I've had to think about this logically. The financial crisis right now in the UK, and then the rising costs to have a child. If I am going to support this child I want to make a contingency plan in case he chooses not to support it which will bring me a lot of relief to have that plan and cut out the stress and worries I have about keeping a child.

It's strange how men somehow need lots of time to process things but a woman has a matter of days to make a huge decision.

I don't think it's a case of being able to cut your losses OP. Whether he responds now or not, it doesn't mean he won't possibly be in your life for the next 18+ years.

I also don't think I'd have any concerns about asking him for factual information when you need it - say at the booking appointment. You won't need any information at 6 weeks.

This progressive muscle illness - is this something that could be hereditary and affect your baby?

Your way of dealing with this is probably being very factual and level headed (possibly way too much).

The facts are that you’ve just found out that you have an unplanned pregnancy and you’re only 5 weeks along.

You are potentially going to be a single parent and have health problems.

All you need to focus on is if this pregnancy is viable, would you want to keep it and would you find it ok as a single parent, especially one with health problems.

This is not an overnight decision and may take a couple of weeks for you to think through everything.

You have chosen to tell the father and he needs time to process it.
Again you are rushing ahead of yourself trying to be extra factual and extra level headed but it’s too much.

You shouldn’t have mentioned anything about financial help, unless this would change your mind about keeping it.

You simply telling him that you are/might be pregnant would have been enough for now.
He would understand that it comes with a financial responsibility and he’s know he can choose to be involved or not.

The fact that you mentioned money before you even know if you have a viable pregnancy comes across as really money grabbing and almost like you got pregnant intentionally.

I believe this is just your way of coping but this is going to have caused him to have a million thoughts in his head, rather than the main thing of you being pregnant.

First of all - please read the original post and the lines:

I am NOT looking for judgment or rude comments, just simple advice OR to hear from anyone else who has been in a similar situation.

If you post on mumsnet, you don’t get to control the responses. As long as posters stay within talk guidelines, they can give their opinion.

There wasn't any judgement or rudeness in that post. It was quite a hefty text to text someone straight off.

If you were deciding on whether or not to proceed based on his answer, then I would give him a week.

you sound set on your decision though and in a decent position to single or co-parent. He doesn’t need to contact you again until the baby is born.

At that point in time he would be an idiot not to ask for a dna test to confirm paternity. It’s not personal, it’s just a good idea to protect himself and the child. Then the two of you can negotiate visitation and once the baby is older a shared custody schedule.

if he does turn up once the baby is born, it really won’t be your decision. It is simply a matter of if he pursues being identified as the legal father or not.

Great point!

If I am going to support this child I want to make a contingency plan in case he chooses not to support it which will bring me a lot of relief to have that plan and cut out the stress and worries I have about keeping a child.

You need to have this anyway.

Many men promise to be involved and then aren’t.
You only have to read the multiple threads about dads stiffing mums/their kids on child support because they’ve found a way around paying it.

What job does he do?
Will this be affected by his illness?

If he goes on benefits due to illness then he may not need to legally pay anything.

OP I am not judging.

You said you were nearly five weeks pregnant. So you are just pregnant. If you were to have a scan now you wouldn’t even see a yolk. The embryo will appear in about 2 weeks followed by a heart beat. If you went for a scan now they wouldn’t be even be able to confirm a live pregnancy because you are very very early - there would be nothing to see. That’s why they have told you to go for a scan at six weeks because you are spotting to confirm a live inter uterine pregnancy .

Yet you were texting him the second you left hospital taking about his financial contributions and told him you didn’t want to argue - which was a subtle way of saying the deal was done.

Then you complained as he didn’t text back straight away.

I wouldn’t have either.

You need to slow down and see what the situation is in two weeks before getting stressed out that your ex won’t communicate or agree to financial help - at this immediate time

@welshycake
That's going to get his back up. Supporting the baby sure but he shouldn't be supporting you. You need to be able to look after yourself independently of him

What do you mean?

Actually OP is less than a week from her missed period. She has about 5-6 weeks to make her mind up for a none surgical removal

Also agree that his response was appropriate. You were surprised and now, so is he. You took a few days, he will need to as well.

Personally, I wouldn't message him again (unless he initiates a conversation) until your 12wk scan. Invite him to attend with you.

If he ends up being a complete wanker, when baby is born, hit him with CMS.