I gave up the school run and I feel Amazing but MIL thinks I’m lazy

[Feelsomuchbetter]

I have ASD and ADHD . I struggle a lot. The school run has been hell for me. Dh drives past the school on his way to work so 3 months ago I asked him to please take the dc instead of me doing it. He was previously leaving 10 mins before we had to now he drops dc at breakfast club a bit earlier.

I feel SO much better. I’ve been able to wean myself off AD and I’m not mentally ruined by 9 am . MIL has been saying it’s not fair on dh !!!! That he should have a calm drive to work not stopping off at all ?? Dh is fine to do it he doesn’t mind, hasn’t complained .

Saying “routines are an important part of life” to a person with ADHD

😫

Who told MIL and why?

To be fair to your MIL I can sort of see where she’s coming from. If you’ve no idea of autism or adhd and are just told that someone is sahm but their DH drops the kids off at breakfast club at 7.30am so that she doesn’t have to do the school run then I think a lot of people would be judgy. Obviously your MIL should have an idea though!

I think if you’re still participating in the morning getting ready and making breakfast part and your DH is just driving then it makes sense.

If the OP had a visible illness then I doubt her MiL would be saying anything?
She is perhaps from a background where MH was not spoken about/understood & she sees it as a form of weakness.

Unless people have felt the feelings themselves I don’t think they always understand, she maybe thinks you just can’t be bothered to do it but that’s not what you’re describing. If the situations working then I’d say it’s better for kids to be dropped off calm in the morning any way than seeing mum struggle because of it and if you needed to take them again you still could x

I think a good MIL will back her DIL when necessary/justified, rather than blindly supporting her son. My MIL definitely had my back when necessary, and now I am a MIL, I support my DIL as much as I support my son.

Frankly, if my son wasn’t supporting his wife, and looking after her, he’d be getting a serious flea in his ear. As it is, he is an amazing husband and dad (her words, not mine) and I couldn’t be more proud.

I can’t understand someone who is basically saying to @Feelsomuchbetter - Oh, I know you have these struggles/problems, but I’m not going to support and encourage my son for supporting you - I’m going to call you lazy instead!’

I think that that would give the message that MIL's opinion is relevant. It isn't.

Op ignore your MIL, your situation is working for you and your family and that's all that matters.

I work part time from home and only do 2 collections from school. DH does the rest of them as he's driving past. It makes no sense to do two journeys. My dc also go to morning club every day even on my non working day for consistency and routine.

I agrée with this, I can see how on the face of it the kids arriving at school at 7:30 and doing after school club when they have a stay at home Mum seems
Unusual! Your mil should have an idea of your issues though and be more sympathetic

If it suits you and your dh it's none of your mils business. It's not up to her to decide what you do and don't do.

I can actually see MILs point on this - am I'm not being judgy and ignorant of ND (you'd just need to glimpse our family at Xmas to see we're a bit melting pot of ND on both sides ... hence our DCs diagnosis not being a great surprise!)

I hate school run. But I do it. And I work full time. DH works FT (ND) and does nursery drops. Neither of us enjoy it. It is stressful, often involves arguments/moody kids and delays my commute to work. I'd far rather just get up and go to work without having to herd kids into the car and check they have all necessary bags and kit. However I do it because me and Dh share the responsibility- if he was a SAHP I wouldn't be doing the school run except for when he was very poorly. I would class that as his "job" of being the SAHP. I assume he'd feel the same if I became a SAHP too.

Great if it works for you and your DH. But don't be too surprised if people are surprised that as the SAHP you are not doing any school runs and are using after school club daily. It's not a common set up so people will naturally express some curiosity about it.

I don’t see any issue with DH doing the school runs in general if it causes you extreme overwhelm. It’s really not any of your MIL’s business.

I do however think it’s a very long day for children if they’re going to breakfast club every morning and then two days in after school club, so I’d keep an eye on that and make sure it doesn’t get too much for them.

You also say you volunteer 2-3 times a week and are looking to take on more shifts in the evenings and weekends, which means even less time with your kids. Is it parenting in general that overwhelms you and not just the school run?

I think if I was your mother in law, and you and my son were going through a difficult time, I'd offer to help. I'd do a school drop off/pick up where I could to lighten the load. I work full time but partly from home, so I have some flexibility.
I'd be more keen to help than add to the issue by commenting on my DIL. I'd rather not add to the stress.

It’s not lazy. She has ASD, ADHD and has been on anti depressants. Be mindful of others’s conditions and the problems they bring before you make judgements like that

A calm drive to work?
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

Sorry, wot?

Was just thinking the same

I'm saddened but not surprised by a lot of the responses OP. A lot of posters on MN don't seem to understand the impact of living with MH conditions or neuro diversity (and how these can vary from person to person, or even from month to month for the same person).

Your system sounds like it works for your family. If you think giving your MiL more information about your health would help her understand, do that, but you don't owe it to her. Sadly your situation is one that won't attract a lot of external validation/approval, but work on your internal validation and know that you're doing the right thing for yourself and your family.

What she said. Not MIL's business.

But just because you can and you do, it doesn’t mean that others can or should. Why should the OP suffer if DH can do it?

Why do you care what she thinks?

Your MIL needs to mind her own business. If your DH doesn’t mind the situation (and I don’t see why he should) then it’s nothing to do with anyone else.

I also have ADHD and ASD and the school run is a nightmare so my DH willingly does it 90% of the time. I feel guilty sometimes or like I’m missing out a lot on this part of their childhood but can’t help really struggling with it.

Jesus Christ. 🤦‍♀️

Agreed! Hopefully the husband is looking after his own mental health too! Any caring mother would be concerned whether it's the son or daughter taking on extra roles

Does your mil understand what it means to be neurodivergent? Perhaps she doesn't appreciate the mental toll it takes to function on a daily basis.

I got diagnosed with ADHD six months ago and suspect there is also autism (it runs in my family) as I have quite strong sensory sensitivities too. It's only reading your post I'm realising how much I hate the school run and how much it is driven by my brain being wired differently. I get anxious, and waste my day waiting for pick up. It doesn't help that the school is quite cliquey and a lot of the mums are very competitive and unfriendly. I never know if my hello will be reciprocated or if I'll be ignored. I get so mentally exhausted preparing for it, plus with my dd (suspected adhd) there is always some meltdown that's happened during the day and I have to brace myself for that and if the teacher will be pulling me aside.

I haven't really told many people not even family. Did tell my mil but I don't think she grasped what it means to be emotionally disregulated or how loud noises, rejection sensitivity, etc can have an impact, especially when you are also going through perimenopause.

"Prodigal son"????? Huh?