I don’t know where to start with this.

[AllJustATrialOfErrors]

I’m not sure if anyone is like me; if anyone will understand and might have a suggestion. It might seem trivial but I’m reaching a stage where I feel I might need to walk away from a very happy marriage if I can’t “get better”. I’m in my 50’s. late diagnosis as an adult. Aspergers. Had a good career; two marriages, kids. Excellent “masker”. Good mimic.

My problem is this… I’m hopeless socially. I’m ok in work and with people I know well (few and far between). It’s not only exhausting me but, the older I get, the more I dread interaction. I’m also utterly hopeless with children. My step daughter has just had a little boy and he’s gorgeous but I know, going forward, until he’s older and I can have a little conversation with him, I’ll be useless. She has a three Yr old too. I buy little gifts and love to see photos of them but in person I have to retreat because I can’t seem to “interact”. It was different with my own. I’m not sure I’m explaining myself well; I just dread visiting/them visiting us. Two days of anyone visiting makes me so anxious because I can only keep my sociability up, for so long. With DH, I know he needs to see his grandchildren but I encourage him to visit them, just not always with me in tow. He insists though I’m with him, though. We travelled up to see them this weekend and I just found myself getting quieter and quieter. They’re all about “grandad” (I’m 2nd wife) and it just gets more and more awkward. The grandkids are lovely; it’s ME! What can I do?

I feel like I’m an imposter. I want to be part of it but the “performance” for me is excruciating. None of it comes naturally.

Any advice?

That sounds very hard. You poor thing. I hope you don’t mind my commenting as I’m NT mostly I’d say but I’d find that set up horrendous. DD has aspergers which is why I’m on this forum, looking for an answer about why her legs have this constant weird pressure on them and she feels like she has to move/run to get rid of it. I can’t find any info online anywhere about it or how to help her.

But going back to your family visit. I hate having people to stay, family or otherwise for long periods. It’s exhausting to constantly be “on” for such long periods. I couldn’t do what you’ve written you have to endure. It would send me round the bend and make me very snappy.

I just couldn’t keep the mask up and would be hunting for a way to get away from it all too. And I can definitely chat and socialise, say all the right stuff but it’s so tiring!!

I’m a member of a nice gym with a cafe and when I need to get away I go there. I’m not alone but at least no one bothers me and I don’t have to talk. Is there anywhere like that you could go? Could you say you’ve a lovely swim and gym class you can’t miss and disappear for a few hours?

it’s the endless talking I find hard, even with my own family.

You sound really lovely as a person trying to meet others expectations. Your DH is being unreasonable though. Not reading your report is like sticking your head in the sand and what he’s really doing is saying it’s my way or the high way.

he may see things more transactionally though in that he’s supported your DS for many years and “this is the least you can do”.

it sounds like he doesn’t truly understand what ASC is and how difficult and exhausting social interaction is.

What I notice with DH who is on the spectrum is that he can freely be himself with me but that for others he’ll switch on his social side.

Your DH probably sees you as you, like I see DH but he can’t understand why other people don’t get the same pass with you.

I didn’t understand that for years. I do now. But it took me a long time to get it and only really through seeing DD struggle so badly with social stuff.

im sorry it’s so hard with him.

It sounds like he’s taking it personally as a rejection of sorts rather than seeing it for what it truly is which is a brain which is wired differently which makes these visits much harder for you to do than him.

Not sure if that helps and a very big apology to everyone if I shouldn’t be here commenting.

@About24 Thank you so much for that thoughtful post. Yes, it’s truly exhausting the “being normal”; our visitors go home tomorrow evening (it was supposed to be Monday) as they’re hoping for a better drive in the bank holiday traffic, than on Monday.

You know, a part of me has enjoyed the time together. They’re gorgeous kids and it’s wonderful seeing DH so happy; he’s a great Grandad. I’m an afterthought though I have enjoyed my cuddles with an 8 week old poppet!

I have told DH that he HAS TO STOP WALKING OUT ON ME. It’s unacceptable. It’s damaging to me and to our relationship. Each time it happens it makes me lose respect for him, just a little more.

Your daughter might benefit from a weighted blanket? I bought DS a heavy electric blanket two years ago. He’s not interested so much in the warmth aspect but he kind of burrows underneath and it’s like a “hug”, so he says.

Bottom line, it’s always going to be this way for me. I’m too old at 60, to change.

Posting a pic so you know who I am 😊

You sound lovely. And going back to your OP why on earth should you "get better"! It's not you that needs to step up.

Out of interest did you mention to either of your SDs your dx when you saw them? Since being introduced to the wonderful world of neurodiversity via my DS's and then my own dx I have become a lot more empathic to and aware of people with ND.

@adhdpunchbag You know, I did want to mention the elephant in the room but didn’t. I’m not sure that DH has actually told them anything. He says he has. If he did, no one mentioned it and I didn’t want to bring down the “mood” of the visit so carried on, as I usually do.

I did say that with children, I was lucky that my own son (with previous husband) wasn’t a rough and tumble child. And when he wanted that kind of play, it was ExH who did all that. I was always happier with quieter pursuits. Drawing, colouring in, Playdough modelling and reading to him. Even as a tiny one, DS would sit with me quietly looking at pictures in books; same books over and over 😊 His ASD is like mine… very considered, very “private” almost.

DH did mention that I could have “done more”, been up earlier (was up around or before 8am) as he’d been up ages with 2yr old. I just said “but it’s Grandad’s “job” to be playing footy in the garden at 7.30am!” Not mine. Definitely, not mine! 😂😂😂

Maybe next time you see either of them say that "oh your dad told me he'd explained my autism diagnosis to you" and see their reaction. You'll soon find out whether he has told them or not.

Generally I'm realising that the more we talk about it all the more normal it all becomes.

My son's dad, my ex has also realised he's also likely ADHD possibly ASC. We're a lot more sympathetic and understanding to each other with our quirks. Whilst we were still together my frustration with him probably mirrored your husband's to you. I just didn't get it.

So, after ALL that, my marriage is now finished. I told DH a lie about where I was. I had been for lunch with a female friend but at 3.30pm, didn’t want to go home. So, I called on an old boyfriend. I’ve seen him once in 30 years and that was my mum’s funeral. The old boyfriend is in a wheelchair and had been at deaths door over covid. It was literally around the corner and on the way home, from where I’d lunched. Wasn’t even sure if he’d be in but, his car was outside so I knocked. In I went; had some Doritos and half a lager. I said I’d get off but stayed a bit longer. When I’d totally run out of steam and sociability, I went home. Didn’t tell DH as I knew he’d be really angry. DH used our Peugot App tracker which says where you are, for how long. He could see I’d lied. He could also see I’d sat on a little side road for some 40 minutes, as I was wondering what on earth to do with myself after lunch.

DH says I’ve betrayed him. Started looking at old texts I’d sent to him which had made him suspicious and he’d been holding onto this “betrayal” for months. The text was back in February. My DS had tried to end his life. I’d sent it from A&E and was in a state. Not even sure what the text was about/who for but DH didn’t like it.

I genuinely have no idea what I’ve done really. I just know I’m not happy. I can’t be as DH would wish me to be. He wants a divorce as now he can never trust me again, he says. It’s really sad. I am the most straight person I know. Call a spade a spade, honest to a fault. He can trust me.

We’ve been together 17 yrs DH and I. He says my lie to him was the worst betrayal. He clearly doesn’t know me. I’m absolutely incapable of living with a husband I love whilst planning a liaison with an old flame. Would never ever happen.

The old boyfriend looked awful; he’s in renal failure (common with paraplegics). He knows he’s not long for this world and I most likely won’t see him again. He had an accident at age 18 at work. Has lived his whole life in that bloody chair. I gave him a big hug as I left; I don’t regret it. DH sulked in 2019 when I wanted to visit this ex as he was in hospital for weeks on end with septic shock. I didn’t go. He didn’t die. And, he had friends at the house on Friday. I wasn’t even going to go in when I saw people there!

Anyway, I can’t live with someone who thinks so badly of me. I hate lies and deceit but, I knew what would happen if I’d told DH. I might have knocked on the old boyfriend’s door and had no reply and then this would have all blown over. Til the next time.

Thank you ladies, for listening to me rattling on. I appreciate it.

Should add. I do not make a habit of keeping in touch with old boyfriends. Generally, they can get to f*ck. This one, it’s different because it’s all so, so sad. He literally has no one. His mum and dad died last year. He has one brother who’s a not very nice chap. When we were a couple for 5 yrs, we were told by the Spinal Injuries centre we’d not be able to have kids. I wanted kids. I’ve always felt bad about that. I didn’t call out of pity but we do exchange “How’re you?” text messages 2/3 times a year. I have never called him, just texts as I knew DH would be upset.

Well, now we’re all upset.

Woah, DH tracking you is NOT ok!

And also such double standards when he swans off without telling you where he is for days on end.

DH should not be forcing you to hide this by being "really angry" about you visiting your ex.

I don't have anything helpful to say, but hope you are as OK as possible.

He was looking for an excuse to end the marriage that wouldn't make him look like the asshole and this is it.

I hope you'll come to see that you are better off out of this relationship. In the meantime, be kind to yourself.

Apologies for the slow response.

@Bergamotte It wasn’t tracking, as such. We both have the car App on our phones. He set it up for me as I struggled to. Unfortunately, it STILL won’t let me “in” even when I use the passcode he gave me. Very annoying!

When he got in the car, his App showed unexpected journeys. Nothing sinister. It’s not like I’m a gambler or scoring drugs etc. It was that I’d called on this ex.

At least going forward, I won’t need to lie. If ex, or anyone else needs a hospital visit/funeral attendance… “I’m your man!” as it were.

@hoorayandupsherises You may be right. Bottom line, I can only apologise so many times and the next time we have words it’ll still be me, keeping the peace as much as possible and him punishing me with silence/absence. It’s started to feel abusive, a little. It’s his way of dealing with things but it’s horrendous for me and my son.