I don’t know where to start with this.

[AllJustATrialOfErrors]

I’m not sure if anyone is like me; if anyone will understand and might have a suggestion. It might seem trivial but I’m reaching a stage where I feel I might need to walk away from a very happy marriage if I can’t “get better”. I’m in my 50’s. late diagnosis as an adult. Aspergers. Had a good career; two marriages, kids. Excellent “masker”. Good mimic.

My problem is this… I’m hopeless socially. I’m ok in work and with people I know well (few and far between). It’s not only exhausting me but, the older I get, the more I dread interaction. I’m also utterly hopeless with children. My step daughter has just had a little boy and he’s gorgeous but I know, going forward, until he’s older and I can have a little conversation with him, I’ll be useless. She has a three Yr old too. I buy little gifts and love to see photos of them but in person I have to retreat because I can’t seem to “interact”. It was different with my own. I’m not sure I’m explaining myself well; I just dread visiting/them visiting us. Two days of anyone visiting makes me so anxious because I can only keep my sociability up, for so long. With DH, I know he needs to see his grandchildren but I encourage him to visit them, just not always with me in tow. He insists though I’m with him, though. We travelled up to see them this weekend and I just found myself getting quieter and quieter. They’re all about “grandad” (I’m 2nd wife) and it just gets more and more awkward. The grandkids are lovely; it’s ME! What can I do?

I feel like I’m an imposter. I want to be part of it but the “performance” for me is excruciating. None of it comes naturally.

Any advice?

If I just upped, packed and went away for a week, I think DH would be of the opinion that the relationship was at an end.

He’s been quite ill in the past two years and has needed to retire a little early. I was sick with worry whilst he was undergoing investigations. Despite taking a hit financially, I encouraged him to retire because we CAN manage with cutbacks and his health is more important. Yet it seems I am irrelevant. Perhaps he thinks I don’t have a physical ailment as such, that I have control over it so therefore, I SHOULD mask and put my “ailment” in a box to accommodate people. And to be fair, I do, up to a point. We ND folk all do, in order to “fit” and get on in life. He seems to think it’s personal. About him, his family. I tried to joke that my Aspergers doesn’t discriminate; I can’t fathom people from all areas of my life and daily experience! 😂

My lovely sister came to stay with me when she’d had stents done. She needed to rest and I knew she wouldn’t get to fully rest unless she was away from all the stresses of home. After a week, I jokingly told her I was relieved she was well enough to go home! She’s a chatterbox and frankly I needed some quiet! She laughed. I did too. I told her to look after herself cause she wasn’t coming back, any time soon 😂

The upshot is, I’m lacking. Not passing muster. For him. For his family. Years ago, I wouldn’t have had the courage to say anything to anyone. I’d just turn my brain upside down, affect various contortions to “fit” but as you say, it gets harder and more wearing as we age.

You are "good enough." If he or his family don't think so, that's on them.

Having people to stay for 3 days is so stressful. It's completely reasonable to take some time for yourself. Particularly as you were trying to plan it beforehand, not storm off in what could be seen as a flounce or a huff! It gives them a chance to interact as dad & children, rather than all extended family.
Asking for breaks / saying when I need to leave is difficult for me as I feel it looks rude, but it isn't. (I've just had someone strongly encouraging me to plan in breaks from an upcoming family visit and she says it isn't rude! There you go, expert opinion )

Surely it is much healthier and better for everyone to have short visits- the quality time everyone goes on about- rather than excessively long visits where you can't interact effectively. Of course he can see them for longer.

I hope he is receptive to discussion when he gets back.

Ok. An update. “The Visit” is next week. Thursday to ?? Sunday. Both stepdaughter, tiny baby, toddler and his dad. DH and me. And the dog. Small house. Well, 4 bed but modern and only lounge kitchen and small dining room, downstairs. If the weather’s not good, we’ll have to eat in shifts!

Husband came back from his “walk in the woods” of 5 days having not contacted me, at all. He said he’d try to understand better. We have not discussed it, at all, since so, 2 weeks later… he’s still not read my report (or asked to) and we’ve had no discussions about planning for next week.

Am I unreasonable to think he just doesn’t care? At all? I’ll get the house ready, clean and tidy etc. Shop and stock up on alcohol as “his” do enjoy a drink. However, not a single reference from him to me/how I’m feeling/what HE might do to help things along/has he spoken to them and explained my condition? Not. One. Word.

I’m alone in this, aren’t I? I’m fucked, basically.

Sorry, both STEPDAUGHTERS. One has been asked to visit to help “dad”. This was arranged long before DH and I rowed and he left. I wasn’t asked, I was told that it might be a good idea for SD to come and “help”.

None of the behaviour you've mentioned is caring towards you, no.

He's said he'll try to understand better. It has not been accompanied by any steps to do so. Therefore, I interpret that as a lie to pacify you.

Sorry, but what is stepdaughter supposedly helping with?

This sounds really difficult. I couldn't cope with all those people staying. Husband being unsupportive makes it so much harder.
Could you ask him if the two of you can talk about expectations for The Visit? (Even though it will feel awkward to ask) Or does he make that not possible?

I'd be inclined to tell him that if he didn't sit down and read your fucking report (and use that language) in front of you now then you weren't going to bother making any effort for the visit at all, before, during or after. No preparations, no interactions while they were there, and no clearing up afterwards. He's behaving appallingly. What a selfish bastard. I know how difficult it is to struggle with people and for no-one to care, but your situation takes the piss. He is so in the wrong. Get angry with him. It's the only way he'll take notice.

Have tried to talk this afternoon. I just end up walking on eggshells because it’s a fine line between expressing myself and him either not talking to me at all for the best part of a week or him just packing a bag and going walking for the weekend.

I feel unreasonable because I wish I could be different. Nothing about how I am is in any way under my control. That’s the bit I can’t get across. I’d send him some articles I’ve found useful but, he’s a clever man and could, had he wanted to, have researched it himself. He has apologised today because he said he could see what his daughter was doing, ignoring me and just talking about “grandad” all the time. This was happening before I started to back off from involvement; it’s WHY I started to back off.

It seems he’s more disappointed that I’m taking one day out for their visit. The rest of the time, I’ll be home, “trying”.

he’s not speaking to me now. Unless I speak to him first.

What would your life be like if you divorced?

It seems to me that this is a big fear being held over your head, and that somehow the narrative in your marriage is that you’re to blame/weird/wrong/not enough. That any relationship breakdown is all your fault.

But what I’m reading here is some out and out nasty, abusive behaviour as well as a generalised lack of kindness that in itself sounds wearing.

I know you’re the one telling the story, but you come across as a lovely, thoughtful, effort-making person.

So I’m wondering, what if the worst happened, and you were to get divorced, would your day to day life be harder, or easier?

Am I unreasonable to think he just doesn’t care?

I don't think it's unreasonable to think he doesn't care. His actions demonstrate he doesn't care for you.

I’m alone in this, aren’t I? I’m fucked, basically.

You are alone in this 'relationship', but fucked? No. You're allowing him to treat you like this, so if you think you're fucked, it's because you're choosing to remain to allow him to continue to abuse you.

I posted on this one and another of your threads about this 'relationship' and said that he's abusive. Now that another poster has posted that this is abusive behaviour, I really hope that you start to see him for what he is - nasty, uncaring, controlling and abusive. His actions are not what anyone should have to put up with from a life partner. Staying in this destructive, abusive relationship, being treated like a slave and not as a much loved spouse as you deserve, has the potential to destroy you.

It's time to think about what you want and what you deserve as you certainly don't deserve any of this shit.

The walking on eggshells, being afraid to bring things up because you'll get the silent treatment is abuse. Start researching emotional abuse.

DH and I usually get on well. The difficulty is that I am getting worse at communicating and the older I get, the less I want to work THAT hard to survive the NT world.

My son is the most gentle souls; such a vulnerable young man and DH supports me with him. I was a single mum for years and it was hard. I did it because I had to; first husband left 3 weeks after DS was diagnosed with asd. He blamed me for son’s difficulties (I wasn’t diagnosed then) and resented that “his son” now had “a label”. I met current DH and married him when DS was aged 9 and he has been wonderfully supportive always. Just not with me personally, it seems.

I'm not young. I spent years on my own. I don’t want that again. I don’t think.

And yes, I’m a nice person, I think 😊

"I feel unreasonable because I wish I could be different."
But you aren't different. You are the way you are and that's ok.

He is being unreasonable for making you walk on eggshells. The not speaking to you seems like he is trying to punish you for bringing up the subject, to stop you from doing it again.
And he is being unreasonable by any standards. It's not like we're expecting him to be particularly accommodating for you with your difficulties, and that he is falling short of that but is reaching a "standard" level of reasonableness. He is being at best childish and at worst emotionally abusive.

If you and he normally get on well, is that because you always do what he wants and don't "make trouble"?
Or possibly the two of you can get along healthily day-to-day, but he has some sort of big emotional reaction to thinking about his family and you.
Could you suggest couples' counselling, through an organisation like Relate, to help the two of you find effective communication strategies and / or work on this particular issue?

@Bergamotte I’m thinking counselling may be beneficial but I don’t think DH would go. Im going to see if there’s any support group I might join. Beyond that, I’m on my own, I think.

Bergamotte is so right about you being who you are, but it is so hard to believe in your rights. I think counselling support for yourself is essential, even if you can't persuade your partner to go.

@Bergamotte In answer to your question, stepdaughter is “helping” with grandchildren whilst their parents are out for the afternoon/evening, at a friends wedding. It’s a “no children allowed” wedding so, they’re dropping the children with us and staying for a few days. I think, when it was first suggested that stepdaughter come help (she’s their auntie) it was from the viewpoint that Grandad couldn’t manage and I’m hopeless. I wasn’t asked, it was just put to me that “Eldest SD thinks it’d be a good idea if youngest SD comes to help” by DH after a conversation with his two daughters. I just laughed when it was first suggested as I have managed to bring up my son. He thrives! He’s a six footer and is a lovely polite and thoughtful young man. And, I was a single parent so, SD’s children would’ve survived with grandad and me 😂🤷🏻‍♀️

Ouch! Yes, if they had offered for kids' aunt to come and help, and your DH discussed it with you, that would have been considerate. Not just assuming that the two of you want to care for a baby and 3-year-old.
But it does sound like it wasn't meant that way.

After the visit is out of the way, I think it would be worth trying to get your husband to go to couples counseling. Maybe there is a particular way to phrase it / bring it up that he would be more receptive to.

For now just focus on getting through the visit.
Something I've noticed about myself, is that I try to clean and tidy before people come round, but I end up exhausting myself with it and then have even less energy to be sociable / mask / deal with having other people in my space.
I know it's not as easy as just saying "don't bother to tidy" as I feel judged, or you might want some things tidied out of view, but try to find a balance so you can relax and gather your energy for the couple of days before they arrive. And let DH do as much as possible- I'm sure he'll get the praise for it either way!

Thanks for the advice @Bergamotte I do “prepare” frenziedly so, will pace myself!
The new baby will go to the wedding as still feeding.

I’m feeling like running away, actually! 😐 As a small child my mums said I was always packing a tiny suitcase and “leaving home” when things got too much. I was 5 or 6 😊

I used to do that too 😆

Me too! I can remember being REALLY ANNOYED that my mum found my hiding place /new home in the bushes at the end of the garden. I was convinced that if I hadn't hung up my clothes on a tree (so patches of colour visible through the bushes) they would never have found me and I wouldn't have had to go home 😆

@AllJustATrialOfErrors definitely go for your day out of the house (that I think is already planned). Maybe see if you can think up plausible excuses / tasks that will take you away from the visiting family for little breathers. Maybe your library book needs to be taken back as another user has requested it, so can't renew online? (If your library has a quiet section you could hide in the corner of. Or if you would drive there and there's somewhere you would feel comfortable sitting in the parked car.)
My partner's family visited our city recently and I coped so much better when I had lots of breaks. But had to plan the excuses beforehand or I would not have been able to think of anything (and am not able to bring myself to just say something like "I need some alone time.")

I’ve arranged to meet for a bite of lunch with a friend. It’ll mean my leaving around 12 noon on the second day of the visit and I’ll be back in the evening for a further two days.

Haven’t told DH yet because I think he’ll be unhappy. He gave me the silent treatment on Friday when I said I was still planning on doing something. I reminded him that he walked out on me for 5 days without so much as a phone call recently.

It really ought not to be so hard.

“A bite of lunch “!!! Listen to me, quite the socialite 🙄

Even that will take its toll.

Thinking of you, AllJustATrialOfErrors.

I hope The Visit goes surprisingly well and that the grandchildren give you some cute moments.

Make sure you get some breaks from people, as planned.

Hi @Bergamotte That’s kind of you. It’s ok in that I had a lovely day to myself on Friday. I do feel extro tired though, so I guess that’s the stress of masking?

After all of it in the past several weeks, nothing’s changed. I’m still just “being” sociable, at massive personal cost. Still, they were welcomed very comfortably ( as always) and it’s good to see them.

It’s just HARD!!!